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Boring?
Sept 2, 2018 5:50:11 GMT
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Post by stayhappy on Sept 2, 2018 5:50:11 GMT
When I read about secure it seems like if we are boring and not so good looking.
I don’t think I am boring or unattractive. I haven’t have a lot of serious relationships, only 3 if I count with my “friends with benefits ” relationship with an DA guy. I have also dated shortly some guys to see if it could be something.
The only one who said two times that I was boring was my “ex” DA 😂 and of course it was because of some boundaries he did not expected me to set but he accepted those boundaries and we had fun.
So what make you think that secure people are boring?
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Post by alexandra on Sept 2, 2018 7:34:48 GMT
It isn't actually a matter of boring. It's because secure people don't tend to give love in a way that an insecure person is used to receiving, so the insecure person almost doesn't know what to do with it and doesn't necessarily know how to accept it. So it can kind of just feel foreign, uncomfortable, and meh, without any accompanying drama existing in the dynamic. Which gets misinterpreted as not feeling a pull towards the secure partner, and possibly as boredom.
In addition, at least for an immature AP, their anxiety being activated is very overwhelming and can be easily confused with passion and attraction. Secure people aren't going to do this for them because they're likely not creating a distancing and chasing scenario (nor should they be, it's dysfunctional). Same principle... where is the drama and the struggle, the parts that make a connection feel so familiar to the AP? Where is the activation of the insecure attachment system that developed in childhood?
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Post by goldilocks on Sept 2, 2018 8:57:29 GMT
It isn't actually a matter of boring. It's because secure people don't tend to give love in a way that an insecure person is used to receiving, so the insecure person almost doesn't know what to do with it and doesn't necessarily know how to accept it. So it can kind of just feel foreign, uncomfortable, and meh, without any accompanying drama existing in the dynamic. Which gets misinterpreted as not feeling a pull towards the secure partner, and possibly as boredom. In addition, at least for an immature AP, their anxiety being activated is very overwhelming and can be easily confused with passion and attraction. Secure people aren't going to do this for them because they're likely not creating a distancing and chasing scenario (nor should they be, it's dysfunctional). Same principle... where is the drama and the struggle, the parts that make a connection feel so familiar to the AP? Where is the activation of the insecure attachment system that developed in childhood? This. If you are used to a rollercoaster ride, any car trip will be boring to you unless you train yourself to appreciate subtler enjoyments. That said, it is immature to choose one rollercoaster after another and then complain your rised are bumpy. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2018 13:20:46 GMT
the true emotional availability that a secure person offers challenges the narrative of an insecurely attached person.
and doesn't activate the early attachment system, which as previously stated, gets conflated with love and healthy attraction.
i believe that there can be a real addiction to drama. It appears to me that the highs and lows and emotional responses can provide an uncomfortable but effective distraction from the internal AP wound. It can look like they are trying to solve something with participation in the drama cycle, but really they are just participating in he script their wounding wrote for them. It's familiar, excruciating but familiar.
we all have our scripts. however, i have experienced secure relating between my partner and i , and i find the consistency and progression to be hot as hell 😈😂once i get past the deactivations lol.
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 2, 2018 22:34:45 GMT
For me, the secure people that I know at least can seem "boring" to me not solely because they don't provide an emotional rollercoaster, but also because our lives and interests tend to be so different. I also don't feel like we understand each other, so I can feel a bit lonely with them.
It would be an oversimplification to claim that feeling bored with secures is only due to the fact that they don't seem to want to do stuff I consider fun however. I knew one FA who had different interests/priorities to me (spent most of his time working or at home, didn't travel, rarely went out) and I didn't think he was "boring," however we did stuff together that was still exciting and his life outside of our time together sounded terribly dull to me.
Secures seem puzzled over my emotions and actions, although highly dismissively avoidant people do as well, so I feel like we don't "connect" and relate the same way I do with other insecure people. I have some very secure long-term friendships with good emotional availability with friends whose main attachment style is not secure, and I don't find them boring. I feel like we can relate to each other more and have had more similar life experiences. But I am basing this all off a small sample size. The last secure person I dated for any real length of time, for example, just wanted to stay in and cook dinner and watch movies, and I want to do things like go out dancing or on an adventure or trip or have a lot of passionate sex or deep conversation. I think it can be a little more nuanced than simply needing drama in the relationship, but I still like to have a little drama in my life in the form of novel and emotional experiences, and most secures I know don't seem to feel as much of a need for that and seem content to be homebodies. Maybe this is my age though, I don't know what young secures are like.
Secures on here, feel free to prove me wrong if you actually love and prioritize things I mentioned as things it seems like secures aren't into.
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Boring?
Sept 3, 2018 6:11:14 GMT
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Post by stayhappy on Sept 3, 2018 6:11:14 GMT
happyidiot I’m on my 30ies and I’m a very active woman but I also enjoy staying home and watching movies. I love when my partner can teach me something new like skiing, ice-skating... Dance is my little name! Any of my partners were ”dancing guys” but I did teach them some dance moviments 😉 I love fotboll and hockey! Playing video games it’s also funny. Go to the cinema. Did anyone said let’s take a trip? Road trip? Airplane, train trip? Where? In a relationship for me it’s important that my partner is a great lover and a good friend. My friends always say that I have a lot of energy! And not all of my friends are securely attached. So I guess what people like or not like doing has not so much to do with attachment style.
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 3, 2018 7:15:47 GMT
stayhappy I'm sure there are many people who wouldn't find you "boring," and I hope you don't take to heart what your ex said. Are you worried that you are boring? I also do not agree that insecure attaching people don't find secure people good-looking. I went out with a secure man recently and found him very good-looking. Out of the activities you listed, I do like travel and dancing. I didn't mean that I think all secures just want to do nothing, but the ones I know seem to not have anywhere near my level of enthusiasm for the things I find exciting and want to share with a partner. They talk about different things and can't match my sex drive.
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Boring?
Sept 3, 2018 7:36:32 GMT
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Post by stayhappy on Sept 3, 2018 7:36:32 GMT
stayhappy I'm sure there are many people who wouldn't find you "boring," and I hope you don't take to heart what your ex said. Are you worried that you are boring? I also do not agree that insecure attaching people don't find secure people good-looking. I went out with a secure man recently and found him very good-looking. Out of the activities you listed, I do like travel and dancing. I didn't mean that I think all secures just want to do nothing, but the ones I know seem to not have anywhere near my level of enthusiasm for the things I find exciting and want to share with a partner. They talk about different things and can't match my sex drive. Haha no, I am not worried at all about if others may think I am boring. I am just curious why secures seems boring and not so attractive. I even think sometimes that the literature describes secures just as “people who are good at relationships” but secures as others with insecure attachment style can also be exciting and funny to socialize with. He said I was boring maybe because I was pretty good to communicate my needs and he maybe was not used to that. But if I was that boring he would never stay with for so long time and of course why would he want me back? 😉 |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 3, 2018 7:40:56 GMT
You sound pretty spicy to me 😁
I'll tell you what, I've started dating again for the first time since shifting into earned secure. No one has ever called me boring, but I'll let you know if that suddenly changes!!
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Boring?
Sept 3, 2018 7:45:45 GMT
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Post by stayhappy on Sept 3, 2018 7:45:45 GMT
You sound pretty spicy to me 😁 I'll tell you what, I've started dating again for the first time since shifting into earned secure. No one has ever called me boring, but I'll let you know if that suddenly changes!! Yes please! You can also write if you want about if now that you are more secure if you think that dating another secure feels different 😄 |
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Boring?
Sept 3, 2018 7:52:18 GMT
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Post by alexandra on Sept 3, 2018 7:52:18 GMT
I just started again so my experience is limited, but I will say that I find different qualities attractive now, yes. As soon as a new guy says anything that sounds unavailable or insecurely avoidant, I lose interest, even if I find them physically attractive and they'd have been my type in the past. A guy being stable in his life stage is suddenly a million times more attractive to me and will get a second date!
But we have yet to see how actual relationships go.
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Post by lilyg on Sept 3, 2018 8:05:39 GMT
I have mostly secure tendencies and while I do think I'm 'fun/attractive', I can understand that I may not offer a super 'passionate' chasing dynamic. What you see is what you get with me, and I expect the same from my partner (I've actually joked about this with my boyfriend and some of his friends, I'm pretty transparent in that respect). So I can undestand someone looking for a rush on his dating life thinking I'm boring (this actually happened to me with a guy I was seeing for a few months… he always goes for anxious women because he feels 'alive'). I love doing plenty of different stuff, I know my guy has fun with me because we have very similar interests and can share them. We are also very physically attracted to each other so it helps a lot. I think that if we hadn't that much in common we'll have a lot of difficulties being together (I guess we wouldn't be dating at all). I actually always date people with a lot of shared interests. I've tried dating secure men who enjoy different things than me and I get bored too  but maybe I just hate talking about videogames. |
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Post by jaleesa on Sept 3, 2018 23:10:42 GMT
It isn't actually a matter of boring. It's because secure people don't tend to give love in a way that an insecure person is used to receiving, so the insecure person almost doesn't know what to do with it and doesn't necessarily know how to accept it. So it can kind of just feel foreign, uncomfortable, and meh, without any accompanying drama existing in the dynamic. Which gets misinterpreted as not feeling a pull towards the secure partner, and possibly as boredom. In addition, at least for an immature AP, their anxiety being activated is very overwhelming and can be easily confused with passion and attraction. Secure people aren't going to do this for them because they're likely not creating a distancing and chasing scenario (nor should they be, it's dysfunctional). Same principle... where is the drama and the struggle, the parts that make a connection feel so familiar to the AP? Where is the activation of the insecure attachment system that developed in childhood? This. My current relationship is the most secure and stable relationship I've ever been in and it tends to be a bit boring sometimes, because there's no drama. It just goes with the flow. It's way less intense without all these highs and lows and without awareness I would have probably bailed. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Sept 5, 2018 0:10:20 GMT
It's not an intellectual or shared-interest type of "boring" but more of an emotional one. If you're thinking that love involves intensity, desire, living among the cosmic stars, poetic bliss, soulmatehood, etc., then more tame types of things some people would consider love could seem boring. It could actually be difficult to even know what else love is or could be. If it's not someone you're going to end up deeply longing for, for years on end (due to activation), then it might seem "boring."
"Boring" isn't always bad though. Sometimes it's nice to just be able to relax into the daily-ness of life and have some stability and security and a partner to share things with.
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Boring?
Sept 20, 2018 18:04:57 GMT
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Post by alexandra on Sept 20, 2018 18:04:57 GMT
stayhappy, the experiment is getting cut a little short, because I've decided I'm not ready to be actively dating yet and the online thing (the easiest way to meet people where I live) is not working out for me right now because I'm not excited about it. But so far no one has at all seemed to think I'm boring! I'd gotten up to third dates with a few people.
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but maybe I just hate talking about videogames.