Power dynamic

Short answer: I don't think it's unsual. The anxious-avoidant relationships are often described as a come here - go away dynamic and a push and pull. So I assume it's likely that many partners of avoidants, at times, feel like they wield some sort of power or control in the relationship.

Long answer: I think it's all a matter of perspective.

I can operate in several states of attachment when I am dating an avoidant. I can be secure, anxious, and fearful-avoidant. I often find that when I am operating in a secure or fearful-avoidant space I feel like I have control. ie. the avoidant is often scared I will break up with him or worries more about the state of relationship and I can often elicit more secure behaviours by the avoidant and get my needs met. I suppose that makes me feel like I have more "power." But really it's more a feeling of security and safety.

However, like you, I question whether for the avoidant this is a true fear of loss of the relationship and me, and more about his fear of the feelings of being left generally.

On top of that, the biggest question remains: what is actually going on in the head of the avoidant during this time? They may act securely, or give you what you need for a period of time in response to your behaviours, which makes you feel like you have power or control in the relationship. But really, while they're giving you that sense of safety and security (what you perceive as "power") they're building a list of things you have done wrong in their head, or reasons the relationship won't work, and just not sharing them with you. They'll be used against you at another time. So in this case, who really has the "power"?

I am at that place of trying to figure out whether these are truly manipulative "power" plays that are thought out on the avoidant's part, or whether they come by them completely honestly. I want to believe in the good in people, and that they aren't consciously operating this way.

I've had so many experiences where my perception of control, or safety and security in the relationship is a just a smoke screen. Because avoidants can tend to view even the most secure and healthy relationships negatively as "work" and not worth the effort, it can become impossible to know whether the relationship is on secure footing even at the best of times.