When contact keeps you looping

Ok...maybe I was referring to responsibility a bit differently...I was speaking to my normal route of enmeshment where I make a decision based off of what the other person wants versus what is best for me.  It did feel like a small victory in the moment.  I know he has left the relationship...I know the issues are on my side...I am not holding him accountable or responsible for my feelings...is that not a bit of progress from when I first started here?

tnr9,

You are making progress, but know that its ok sometimes to backslide a little too. You are a work in progress like most of us on here, so be very gentle with yourself.

It is very hard to see clearly what are actions are saying when we are so close to them. But to me, it still looks like you are solely looking out for B's feelings and monitoring all of his actions as if your actions have control over his.

Ignoring him is protest behavior. It can feel like self-care but it's not. If I'm totally honest, when I went NC with my ex, it was to get a reaction until it started to become a healing space and I no longer cared what he felt.

My point is, when you start to turn away from him, even just a little, to take care of YOU, you will feel a big difference. Just trying to help with some perspective, but having been on the boards with you since last October, I can very much say you have made lots of progress!!

I see your point....I was wondering where the love bit came from and it was stated earlier in my original email idea to him.  I am not going to deny the obsession....I am honestly trying to let him go...I think being out of his line of sight will be helpful.  I did not handle Sunday in the most mature way....I did not have capacity for that...so I did the best I could.  Today is a good day and yes, I can forgive him and yes, I can release him..but I know I have been here before and then I slid....so I am trying to figure out what will help to keep me from sliding back.  

This is an excellent call out. tnr9, have you ever discussed limmerance with your therapist?

My stance that it could be ok and healthy to say something to him rather than just not replying to his calls and avoiding him when you see him in public etc without telling him why is not meant to condone saying just anything or sending some kind of apology to him. I support saying something honest, brief and clear that sets a boundary. Part of my reason for this is that it can help close the door to future inauthenticity or waffling if done well. Using the example of when I texted a particular ex (who I'd been in an AP mode with) after I refused to talk to him when I saw him on the street, the reason it made me feel empowered and more able to move on, was that it was honest and set a boundary and I released attachment to any reply or outcome (you could even ask for no reply, if you are at the point of realizing it's better to not be friends and not be in contact). Now, I understand we are not the same and maybe I was in a more secure place at that time. Telling someone you will not be contacting them (or do not want certain forms of contact from them) and why also just feels like the "right" thing to do to me personally. And it can help prevent you from sneaking back in later when you are feeling less secure. If you just ghost someone, there is no closure or having expressed your truth and it is so much easier to then call or message in the future when you are in a different place and back craving to have them back in your life. Which, let's face it, you will be. Yes you might still ruminate thinking "if only I hadn't sent that embarrassing message, maybe I can write and apologize and say I changed my mind," but you also have a great support system on this board to help convince you not to. It's a huge step that you are talking to us instead of him and not making rash AP-fuelled decisions about contacting him or what to say without reflecting first. I think ghosting can feel better because it enables more hope for the future and because we don't have to feel as vulnerable by explaining ourselves. But isn't growing and learning how to be more authentic the goal, as opposed to what just feels better right now?

I dunno, I have been participating in so many threads recently and haven't read all of your past posts about B on this forum, so I don't have as firm a grasp on the backstory as some others here, so you can take my opinions with a grain of salt.

I sometimes feel like a lot of advice I see for APs (like even on dating advice sites that don't specifically label anything in attachment theory terms) is to act more avoidant, hoping the AP person will somehow end up in the middle as secure. But secure isn't in the middle of avoidant and AP. And all the insecure attachment styles have work to do on communicating, on being honest with ourselves and honest with others.

I do appreciate your advice and for that matter..everyone else's.  I don't intend to ignore him...but I also do not want to be rash with a response.  Part of growing up is understanding that you can take your time to reply and it will still be ok.  I would rather take that approach and have others help me to avoid the traps I have mindlessly stepped into in the past.  As many in this thread have pointed out..that is a huge disservice to B and to myself.  Under all the attachment stuff, I do care about him and want him to be happy....so I would rather not convey anything that comes across as manipulative..no matter how honest it sounds to me.

It's ok to write him. You don't have to Ghost him. But after all this time being 'friends' I'd approach it as something much less emotional. Just: hey I'm taking my time to do my own thing. Cool, calm, collected and true. Seems honest and something you won't feel guilty later. You don't have to explain.

Do what you must. We are here.