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Post by Deleted on Sept 5, 2018 21:42:00 GMT
Hang in there tnr9 . This is not an easy process. You don't need to ghost him. You just don't need to explain yourself. Your personal matters stopped being his business when he ended your relationship. You can be friendly and cordial, if he contacts you. Keep it short and on point. (I'm great, thx! Hope you are as well! Soooo busy! Have a great day!😊) Easy to do in text or email no matter how you're feeling. Most importantly, stay off his social media. If you have to delete yours, DO IT. It's for your own sanity. I deleted my FB, etc a while ago because stuff that was coming across my feed was bothering me. Now I can't see it even if I wanted to and I don't care now anyway 😉 Yeh..I thought about sending him a text on Sunday that said..."busy with plans, enjoy the beach🙂"...that would have resolved things enough to keep me from feeling guilty....lesson learned.  I considered deleting FB but I am a moderator on a group for minimalists.  I did remove myself from the community group's page so I don't see whether he posts anything there....huge relief.  Not ready yet to delete him...but have done much better with not checking and I changed my settings so I don't see his activity on my feed or any events he likes etc.  I do appreciate everyone's support and tough love....I know I have been in denial for far too long...but I think I am finally grasping that it truly is over. big hugs! |
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Post by cris88 on Sept 23, 2018 1:01:13 GMT
Hang in there tnr9 . This is not an easy process. You don't need to ghost him. You just don't need to explain yourself. Your personal matters stopped being his business when he ended your relationship. You can be friendly and cordial, if he contacts you. Keep it short and on point. (I'm great, thx! Hope you are as well! Soooo busy! Have a great day!😊) Easy to do in text or email no matter how you're feeling. Most importantly, stay off his social media. If you have to delete yours, DO IT. It's for your own sanity. I deleted my FB, etc a while ago because stuff that was coming across my feed was bothering me. Now I can't see it even if I wanted to and I don't care now anyway 😉 Yeh..I thought about sending him a text on Sunday that said..."busy with plans, enjoy the beach🙂"...that would have resolved things enough to keep me from feeling guilty....lesson learned.  I considered deleting FB but I am a moderator on a group for minimalists.  I did remove myself from the community group's page so I don't see whether he posts anything there....huge relief.  Not ready yet to delete him...but have done much better with not checking and I changed my settings so I don't see his activity on my feed or any events he likes etc.  I do appreciate everyone's support and tough love....I know I have been in denial for far too long...but I think I am finally grasping that it truly is over. I understand how you feel and I don't think you were awful when you didn't respond. This things happen, you are allowed to not give reasons, you know? I guess he knows the reason of your silence and it shouldn't be a big deal. Don't start overthinking things and words and what if's. It's not as horrible or big as you think. I can't stay friends with someone I love because it would be constant pain. I know you care deeply about him, I know you appreciate all that he is and all you were together but give yourself Time and work on yourself. Give yourself the chance to see life and him and you and hin from another perspective. Why is friendship so important? Do you want him to be just a Facebook friend or a name on your contact list? That'd be a real disservice. If he is so important to you and YOU to him he will understand and when you heal he'll still be your friend. The beauty of friendship is you can still be connected to someone through distance and time. Don't explain what you're doing. Just do it. Say the 'I am taking time to do other stuff' if you explain that the reason is him in a nutshell it sounds like both of you are thinking about leaving and are still in the same spot. Be kind to yourself and be selfish. Life is not a box of black and white. I felt the same way about someone, really thought I loved him and was super nice and permissive to the point where I felt pathetic. He wasn't openly mean but he did said stuff that now I can look at and say wait a second, that's not right. I was so afraid to break his boundaries I didn't stand for myself. It was constant hell in my head. Until I cut contact in social media, common friends, etc and went on with my life. I'm still struggling, I don't want him back but I do miss him at times an he had to be extremely mean to me to open my eyes. Now I see the relationship was not a good fit for either of us. I am not cured or I wouldn't be here on a Saturday night but I want to change. Go somewhere else and be happy. If you had the chance to talk to your 5 year old you how would you explain this to her? Would she be proud? Is this guy so important to you? What did he do? |
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Post by notalone on Sept 24, 2018 13:37:47 GMT
I agree with lilyg-- healthy boundaries, you don't owe him an explanation. I know what you mean though, that it can feel like being the one doing some form of abandonment or even betrayal, loss of integrity, etc. I think it may be a form of projection-- that is, projecting the loss we would feel in the situation onto the other person who may or may not be feeling such a loss. I get that...and yet....it does not feel right...it does not feel like care to ignore him. I agree with compassionateavoid about projection... Like you, I find cutting contact really hard and painful, and I was influenced to stay in contact with several people for a lot of the same kinds of reasons you write about.
I finally came to accept that:
- the thought that I was inflicting pain on another person was blown up in my mind because of how much I hurt.
- my first responsibility is to myself and my wellness.
- if the ex really cared about me, they'd want me to stay away, regardless of the pain that separation brought them.
In this light the only reason I'd stay in contact is because of how painful it is to cut ties. It's no longer about the effect on the ex, I'm forced to take responsibility for the fact that I am staying in contact because I can't bring myself to feel the pain of letting go. It turned out THAT was my truth. I'd tell myself it's for the other person, but it really wasn't, it was to avoid the pain of letting go. It sounds like you're having a really hard time letting go, and I feel for you on that. I really, really do. I also think the sooner you truly cut contact the sooner you'll start to really, truly heal. This is what I've found in my experience. It's taken me quite a long time to let go in the past. These days, once I know it's not a good situation, I let go much more quickly. Ripping off the band aid hurts like hell, but living wounded hurts like hell too. The sooner you rip off the band aid, the sooner you heal and stop that suffering. To rip off the band aid successfully I've needed to have strategies to deal with the pain that comes, or I just put it right back on again. Those strategies have included great support, a healthy routine, boundaries, meds, etc. I'm sharing this to say I do believe letting go is the way through, and I also know it's not easy and we all do it when we can.
So, I hope this whole post isn't just me projecting! I suppose we all can only draw on our own experiences and try to understand what's around us.
Lots of love and strength to you.
xo
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 25, 2018 2:56:31 GMT
Hey cris88 and notalone ...so..I am doing better....I had a "moment" today where I looked at his you tube page and started to ruminate over the new songs he liked...because I figured he (like me) associates songs to people (i.e. Songs have meaning) and then I remembered that he used to not even really listen to the lyrics of songs but just liked the overall sound. Then I got a bit disappointed in myself for still having such strong feelings about him...but the I just gave myself grace to be where I was. I am recognizing more and more the times where I look upon B as an extension of myself versus a separate autonomous person. In those moments I panic at the thought of losing him...but he was really never mine to lose. I am eying to see this time as an opportunity to dig deeper into my patterns and why I get so very wrapped up in someone else. Thank you so much for your encouragement and support. |
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Post by notalone on Sept 26, 2018 16:06:40 GMT
Hey cris88 and notalone ...so..I am doing better....I had a "moment" today where I looked at his you tube page and started to ruminate over the new songs he liked...because I figured he (like me) associates songs to people (i.e. Songs have meaning) and then I remembered that he used to not even really listen to the lyrics of songs but just liked the overall sound. Then I got a bit disappointed in myself for still having such strong feelings about him...but the I just gave myself grace to be where I was. I am recognizing more and more the times where I look upon B as an extension of myself versus a separate autonomous person. In those moments I panic at the thought of losing him...but he was really never mine to lose. I am eying to see this time as an opportunity to dig deeper into my patterns and why I get so very wrapped up in someone else. Thank you so much for your encouragement and support. I'm glad you're feeling better.
You said: I am eying to see this time as an opportunity to dig deeper into my patterns and why I get so very wrapped up in someone else.
In my humble opinion it's because you have an anxious attachment style! Just like me, and many of us here.
The "why" aside, I believe the biggest impact you can have on how you feel is to choose how you deal with it when it happens. Right now you are choosing to feed your attachment to this guy. That is your choice to make. However, if you want to feel better you have to chose different actions. Looking at the social media of someone I want to move on from will just feed and prolong my attachment/addiction to them, so I made a pact with myself not to look at the last guys social media. Every time I had a craving to look (and I did crave that) I'd ask myself if I want to be miserable or stable.
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 26, 2018 18:19:58 GMT
Hey cris88 and notalone ...so..I am doing better....I had a "moment" today where I looked at his you tube page and started to ruminate over the new songs he liked...because I figured he (like me) associates songs to people (i.e. Songs have meaning) and then I remembered that he used to not even really listen to the lyrics of songs but just liked the overall sound. Then I got a bit disappointed in myself for still having such strong feelings about him...but the I just gave myself grace to be where I was. I am recognizing more and more the times where I look upon B as an extension of myself versus a separate autonomous person. In those moments I panic at the thought of losing him...but he was really never mine to lose. I am eying to see this time as an opportunity to dig deeper into my patterns and why I get so very wrapped up in someone else. Thank you so much for your encouragement and support. I'm glad you're feeling better.
You said: I am eying to see this time as an opportunity to dig deeper into my patterns and why I get so very wrapped up in someone else.
In my humble opinion it's because you have an anxious attachment style! Just like me, and many of us here.
The "why" aside, I believe the biggest impact you can have on how you feel is to choose how you deal with it when it happens. Right now you are choosing to feed your attachment to this guy. That is your choice to make. However, if you want to feel better you have to chose different actions. Looking at the social media of someone I want to move on from will just feed and prolong my attachment/addiction to them, so I made a pact with myself not to look at the last guys social media. Every time I had a craving to look (and I did crave that) I'd ask myself if I want to be miserable or stable.
Yes...I know I am choosing this....and for now..since I am choosing this...I am trying to figure out how to use it to work on myself. The swirling is definately less then what it used to be and the last few days I haven't really looked at anything related to him. Overall...it is a positive step. |
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