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Post by jaleesa on Sept 3, 2018 18:13:25 GMT
Ok so, my boyfriend and I have been together for one year and I'm having doubts.
A little history:
I used to be AP in romantic relationships, but overall mainly FA. My previous relationship with a covert narcissist ended so tragically and I felt so devastated that I had no other choice than to look in the mirror. I've worked really hard to become a better person and I'm in a much better place right now, leaning more towards secure attachment.
My current relationship is by far the best relationship I've ever been in. No push and pull dynamic, no disrespect, no silent treatments, no jealousy, no walking on eggshells, no manipulation, or any other form of abuse. Most of the time he reacts in a very calm and reassuring way when we talk, but sometimes he can get a bit defensive. As soon as he does this, I leave him alone to calm down so we can talk later. This works perfectly for both of us. Expressing my needs feels like a piece of cake.
Also, he helps me when I ask him for help. He listens to me when I need to vent my feelings. He gives me advice and feedback. He loves cuddling. He's empathetic. He calls me everyday just to ask me how my day was. For the first time in my life, it truly feels like I'm in a loving and interdependent relationship.
But, I'm having doubts. This is why:
- He said he's very "slow" when it comes to relationships.
- He loves me, but he forgets to say it to me (his words).
- He's hesitant about meeting my friends and family because he feels he's not good enough for me.
- He can go months without talking to any of his friends and he said he never misses them.
- When I try to talk about the future (I would like to move in together someday) he just shrugs it off. He lives from day to day.
- He has a history of depression.
- Physically abused by his father.
- History of drug abuse (marijuana).
- He's 34 and his relationships never lasted longer than 2 years.
This led me to believe he's mildly FA and I don't know what to do. Is this me deactivating to protect myself from being hurt again, am I overreacting, or do I need to get out? I'm so confused. What would you do?
Thank you so much.
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andy
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Posts: 131
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Post by andy on Sept 3, 2018 18:35:11 GMT
It sounds like there are many things you treasure about this relationship, and at the same time it makes sense you are alert to any signs of attachment issues/intimacy barriers in him given your past experiences.
It stands out to me that he is being quite open and vulnerable with you in saying that he loves you and forgets to say it, and that he hesitates to meet your friends and family because he feels he's not good enough. That seems like a big emotional risk, especially because men are often strongly discouraged from admitting to any self-esteem issues or difficult emotions (other than anger, I guess). Clearly, he has issues, but the fact that he is willing to name what is going on for him even though it is vulnerable seems positive. Does that open up a space for you to share with him what's been on your mind, since you have managed to communicate effectively together in the past, even though you need to work around his defensiveness?
The point about your wanting to talk about the future and living together some day while he just shrugs it off raises a concern for me about unmet needs. Have you communicated with him about how it makes you feel when he says he just lives day to day? Have you asked him how it makes him feel when you talk about wanting to plan a future together? If you have anxious tendencies in relationships, I can understand why you might not want to go there with him since his response has not been satisfying in the past (and possibly has even felt hurtful?) and there is a lot at stake in this relationship now that you've invested a year in it. Looking back on my own experiences, though, I think I failed myself and my partner the most when I was not transparent about my needs and tried to make myself feel content with what was on offer even though deep down I wasn't. Do you feel you could talk about this with him?
All the very best to the two of you.
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Post by jaleesa on Sept 3, 2018 19:17:22 GMT
It sounds like there are many things you treasure about this relationship, and at the same time it makes sense you are alert to any signs of attachment issues/intimacy barriers in him given your past experiences. It stands out to me that he is being quite open and vulnerable with you in saying that he loves you and forgets to say it, and that he hesitates to meet your friends and family because he feels he's not good enough. That seems like a big emotional risk, especially because men are often strongly discouraged from admitting to any self-esteem issues or difficult emotions (other than anger, I guess). Clearly, he has issues, but the fact that he is willing to name what is going on for him even though it is vulnerable seems positive. Does that open up a space for you to share with him what's been on your mind, since you have managed to communicate effectively together in the past, even though you need to work around his defensiveness? The point about your wanting to talk about the future and living together some day while he just shrugs it off raises a concern for me about unmet needs. Have you communicated with him about how it makes you feel when he says he just lives day to day? Have you asked him how it makes him feel when you talk about wanting to plan a future together? If you have anxious tendencies in relationships, I can understand why you might not want to go there with him since his response has not been satisfying in the past (and possibly has even felt hurtful?) and there is a lot at stake in this relationship now that you've invested a year in it. Looking back on my own experiences, though, I think I failed myself and my partner the most when I was not transparent about my needs and tried to make myself feel content with what was on offer even though deep down I wasn't. Do you feel you could talk about this with him? All the very best to the two of you. Thank you so much andy! I do feel like I can talk about it with him. He said he wants to move in together someday, but not for another year. It's just not something that's on his mind right now. From my point of view: I wouldn't be in this relationship if I didn't see a future with him and I need to know if he sees a future with me as well. I think it's weird that he never seems to think about this. So do I wait to see how it goes, or do I move on to someone else who's more future oriented? That being said, I think it's beautiful how you point out that he can be vulnerable with me. I love that about him. I feel like I can talk to him about anything and I appreciate it so much that he's willing to show that side. I just don't know how to deal with the fact that he doesn't want to meet my friends and family. I hear him and I want to give him more space, but in the end his fears are never an excuse (in my opinion) and I don't want to feel like our relationship is not progressing. I want to take that next step without hurting him. So difficult. |
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andy
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Posts: 131
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Post by andy on Sept 3, 2018 19:49:01 GMT
If you've been able to have the moving in conversation and he says he's receptive to doing that in another year, to me it sounds like he envisions some future with you even if he's not naming it that way. It may still be that he isn't willing to contemplate the kind of future commitments you want, and that could be significant, but it doesn't sound like there's zero future contemplation to me.
Given your FA tendencies, do you think you would switch to a more avoidant style if he were super on board with moving in right away and getting tight with your people? Do you think there's a benefit to the slower pace you're going at? This is not at all meant as a leading question and I do not know the answer.
The friends/family thing is hard for sure. Sounds like that is a priority for you and worth a conversation. Glad to hear you feel comfortable talking things through with him. Excellent sign in any relationship.
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Post by jaleesa on Sept 3, 2018 20:30:42 GMT
If you've been able to have the moving in conversation and he says he's receptive to doing that in another year, to me it sounds like he envisions some future with you even if he's not naming it that way. It may still be that he isn't willing to contemplate the kind of future commitments you want, and that could be significant, but it doesn't sound like there's zero future contemplation to me. Given your FA tendencies, do you think you would switch to a more avoidant style if he were super on board with moving in right away and getting tight with your people? Do you think there's a benefit to the slower pace you're going at? This is not at all meant as a leading question and I do not know the answer. The friends/family thing is hard for sure. Sounds like that is a priority for you and worth a conversation. Glad to hear you feel comfortable talking things through with him. Excellent sign in any relationship. Thanks you so much again! I'm more FA when it comes to friendships. I tend to keep my friends and family at arm's length and I'm not bothered when I don't speak to them for weeks (so this is something my boyfriend and I have in common, which is why my alarmbells immediately went off). I had a lot of AP friends in the past and it didn't end well, unfortunately. I'm way more secure now though. I don't know why, but in romantic relationships I've always been AP so I don't think I would make this switch to avoidance. Especially in my previous relationship I needed a lot of attention and reassurance. But this is not the case anymore, I don't mind giving my boyfriend space and I'm not preoccupied with the thought that he's going to leave me. Most of the time I feel comfortable and confident. I'm all for moving slowly but I do need to know if he's serious enough to move forward. This is something I struggle with. But you're probably right! Thanks so much again! |
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Post by mrob on Sept 3, 2018 22:55:59 GMT
He sounds FA to me, but not triggered. How long have you been seeing each other? Is he aware of your intentions?
Day by day is the way I live my life and I cannot imagine living with someone again. I know I wouldn’t fool anyone else into believing any different either. It’s not that I’m not serious, but I don’t want to live like that.
If it’s a need, it has to be put on the table, and you have to be prepared for both answers. Take the gamble.
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 4, 2018 4:38:35 GMT
Someone mildly FA can still be a good partner. I know how scary it is to have the sinking feeling in the back of your mind that they might leave you at any time. But, on the bright side it can also feel uninspiring to feel certain that someone will never ever leave you no matter what you do. I think what makes someone a good choice for a relationship is how willing both people are to communicate and to consistently show up to put in the work necessary for an ongoing relationship.
I'm not always good at being able to tell when I'm deactivating compared versus when I'm picking up on real red flags either. Given how generally healthy the relationship sounds from your post, could you be looking for things to worry about and wanting to run to protect yourself, as though it would feel safer to end things now on your terms rather than take any risk of being blindsided someday if his FA tendencies are activated and he leaves you? Could you try to make it work until it didn't work, rather than trying to foresee the future?
Are your needs being met? Do you need to be with someone who is able to make a commitment for the future and meet your friends and family after one year? You said that expressing needs feels like a piece of cake, so... are these needs and have you expressed them?
Does he express his needs?
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Post by alexandra on Sept 4, 2018 7:49:32 GMT
Is he willing to look into his attachment style? If he is FA, would he be willing to do some work with it to improve the stability outlook?
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Post by jaleesa on Sept 4, 2018 10:30:33 GMT
Is he willing to look into his attachment style? If he is FA, would he be willing to do some work with it to improve the stability outlook? Hi alexandra, Thank you for your reply! I think he would be willing to take a look (he's the type of guy who would love to receive a self-help book as a gift, for example). He studied Social Work 12 years ago and he worked very hard at the time to improve himself. I don't know if he knows anything about attachment styles, but he's very aware of his defense mechanisms and he's read a lot about ego. This is why I leave him alone when he gets defensive. He's not aware of it at that moment, but when I give him space so he can reset, he knows what he's doing and he holds himself accountable. Behind these walls he's actually really good at communication. It's not always ideal because sometimes I get triggered as well, but I never act on it and it happens maybe once a month so I can handle it. In general he reacts very calmly and reassuring. I don't want him to think that I want to change him though. This is difficult for me since I made this mistake over and over again in my previous relationships. Where do I draw this line? Sorry for the long post. |
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Post by jaleesa on Sept 4, 2018 10:41:22 GMT
He sounds FA to me, but not triggered. How long have you been seeing each other? Is he aware of your intentions? Day by day is the way I live my life and I cannot imagine living with someone again. I know I wouldn’t fool anyone else into believing any different either. It’s not that I’m not serious, but I don’t want to live like that. If it’s a need, it has to be put on the table, and you have to be prepared for both answers. Take the gamble. Hi mrob, thanks for your reply! We've been seeing each other for a year now. My previous relationship was already full of ups and downs within the first month, so it really is refreshing that we passed this year without these ups and downs. It even feels "boring" sometimes but I know boring is good, because to me it means there's no drama. So right now, he means the world to me and I wouldn't want to trade this for anything else. It is a gamble I guess. I do think he's honest and genuine about his intentions though. |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 4, 2018 17:03:32 GMT
I don't want him to think that I want to change him though. This is difficult for me since I made this mistake over and over again in my previous relationships. Where do I draw this line? Sorry for the long post. Lol long post... half the time I respond to people on here with novels. I don't think talking to him about it is trying to change him. It's openly stating some long-term concerns you have (ones that are not based on anything he's doing "wrong" but on this body of research you're interested in) and finding out if he's receptive to learning more so you both have better tools to handle the relationship if he ever feels triggered to the point of deactivation. Which theoretically can happen if someone is just facing enormous external stress in their life, not even to do with their partner. The line can be, if he says eh not interested in thinking about this, then you don't bring it up again and keep focusing on your own personal growth. Not discussing important issues when one or both of you is triggered but coming back to it later is exactly the right thing to do. It sounds like you're currently able to handle his triggered behavior with the responses he needs, which is one of the reasons why things are stable so far. |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 4, 2018 17:08:23 GMT
FWIW, I don't think you need to be having doubts at this point if things have been working well so far and he's open to growth and communication. It's a conversation I do think you should have, but not from a place of doubt/fear, just from a calm place of relationship skill-building and stating your thoughts openly. He sounds like a good guy  |
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