Post by noah on Mar 25, 2017 15:18:11 GMT
I'm glad I found this forum. I have already read through some of your stories which was oddly comforting and I decided to share my current experiences with a partner that I think possesses many dismissive-avoidant traits. He broke up with me 2 days ago and, as I wasn't expecting it, it hit me really hard and I realize that I am not in the best position to make smart decisions right now. That's why I lean on my friends and write in this forum now.
Him and I are in our mid / late 20s and we had been a couple for about 3 1/2 years. We share a 2-bedroom apartment.
I was his first long-term relationship (the second longest being a 4 month ldr, the others never lasted more than a few weeks). For a few months, everything was great. I was slightly confused as to why he would only want to see me about twice a week in what I assumed should be our honeymoon phase, but I kept myself busy and didn't really worry. Things went on and mostly due to my efforts, we saw each other more. It was about that time that he had to move to a different city for work which meant that we could only see each other on the weekends. We saw each other nearly every weekend (he'd sometimes travel for a weekend or be gone for work). I was mostly fine with that, but did not hide my disappointment when he sometimes decided that he'd go and travel for a weekend right after he had been forced to be away for work, because it meant that we would only see each other once or twice per month. He, on the other hand, enjoyed the time he could spend alone. However, we had agreed that it would be a good idea for me to move into the same city half a year later (I finished my degree then), because he too, said that he wanted to build something serious. I made the mistake to ask about moving in together out of convenience (I had to move anyways and he wasn't too happy with his roommate) and he refused. That in itself was fine by me, but his depicton of the live-in scenario and of me had made me angry. He basically made it sound as if his life would be over and he would never be free again, if he moved in with a partner. I told him that I don't approve of the negative imagine that he had painted of me, but moved on otherwise.
He had never really communicated that he was unhappy with the then current arrangement up until about 5 or 6 months into the relationship. Then he did and nearly broke up with me during that same conversation. He said that everything was too much for him; that he wasn't used to being so close to someone / seeing someone so much. He felt unhappy and anxious and pressured and he blamed me. He called me needy and controlling (the only messages we shared regularly were "goodnights"). He had contacted me quite a few times on his own accord so I thought it must be fine, but he then said that he only did it, because he thought that I had expected it from him. I was in shock. I cried and tried to convince him that I didn't mean to pressure him. I asked him to go to a relationship councellor. He agreed and we went (I asked him to organize all of this in order to not just drag him along). This seemed to help for a while. Although my partner didn't speak much, he realized that I wasn't asking for extraordinary amounts of attention and that I wasn't controlling either (he already hated it when I asked him how his day had been, because he felt like I was checking in on him in a negative way).
I know that he had a terrible relationship with his mother who was very abusive to him and his siblings. She was high a lot, would yell at them for hours, and control his every move. He and his brother had been taken away by social workers for some short periods of time in between, but they always brought them back to the mother again. She has committed suicide quite a few years ago and still only blamed everyone around her. He only talked about it twice and in a very emotionless way. He still claims that "it wasn't nice, but whatever" and "you get used to it". He claims that he wasn't and isn't scared of or angry at her. The only thing he told the councellor was that "she was not a nice person".
About a year into the relationship, I moved into "his" city and started my masters' degree there. I had an apartment that was really close to his. It was great for a long time, because it would make it easy for either of us to visit the other for just a couple of hours per day at times. Things were going great again. We saw each other on most weekends and usually once in the week. I was less stressed when he'd be gone for a few weekends in a row, because we could still see each other for an evening or 2 in the week in these cases. He seemed more relaxed, because he felt less guilty when he planned weekends somewhere else. We would sometimes have smaller conflicts about closeness and distance in the relationship, but everything went well in general and we went on a few amazing vacations together as well.
We moved into a shared apartment about half a year ago. In hindsight, this was probably too much and the main reason for his breakup. Before we did, I had started to utter my desire to move in with him. We had been a couple for about 2 1/2 years then and early cohabitation >without< the intention of marrying or starting a family is common in my country (I am German and he is American). In turn, he completely reverted back to his reactions when we fought for the first time. He nearly broke up again. I gave him a bit of space and told him to think about it for a while. About 1 month later, I raised the issue again. He reacted in the same way he had before. At that point I took matters into my own hands. He said he loved me, but he felt overwhelmed and just not ready. Then, as always, he said that he isn't even sure if he wants a relationship. I told him that he should think about it for 3 months and make a decision then. If he doesn't know what he wants then, I will, because I don't want to be with a person that isn't even sure about the relationship. He agreed and time passed. As I didn't raise the issue, we had an amazing time.
3 months later, we had >the< talk. He struggled a lot, but decided that he wanted to give it a try. We agreed that we needed a place with 2 bedrooms so that he could close the door and withdraw whenever he felt the need to do so (he never did). He also promised to tell me whenever he was feeling overwhelmed immediatly, instead of letting the emotions build up. We moved in togehter about 3 years into the relationship and, needless to say, he didn't speak about his feelings. He seemed very happy as well and he was very affectionate for the first few months. A few months in, we flew to America together, so that I could meet his family and friends. Back home, everyting seemed to go well for a while too, but then I noticed that he started to spend an unusual amount of time being busy with all kinds of different things. He started coming home later from work and when he did, he was tired. He would still go to bed later than I did, so that he would only slip into our shared bed when I was fast asleep already. I started to feel like I had to beg him for any sort of longer physical affection (he would still kiss me every morning when he left the house and in the evening when he came home from work, but he wouldn't be as affectionate as he was before). I asked him about his feelings and why he was so... mellow, but he insisted on being tired from work. I wanted to believe him, so I did and tried to not worry about it. About 2 or 3 weeks before the breakup, he told me that he was unhappy and had anxiety attacks when he came home from work. I tried to find out which of my behaviors would make him feel this way and he mentioned that I hadn't been very orderly leaving him with a bunch of housework (fair point) and that I had told him too much about my problems recently (I am nonbinary and currently transition socially and medically. My family doesn't take it very well and I faced a lot of rejection, because of that. I also recently started a therapy, because my first boyfriend abused me emotionally and sexually (that was about 5 years ago) and I still have to work through anxiety issues that are most likely a result of these experiences). I talked about these issues about 2 or 3 times per week and I had told him to stop me if it is too much, but I see that I was being insensitive there. After that conversation, I started keeping the apartment completely clean and refrained from talking about these issues with him completely. He acted a little more positive after that conversation, but then he suddenly broke up, when I checked in on his feelings a few weeks later.
These are the contents of our discussion:
-He said that he still loved me and that he was still attracted to me, but that he was unhappy and had panic attacks whenever he came home
. He said that he sometimes screams internally when he is with me, but that he can't clearly say why
.
-He says he feels pressured, because I love him too much / I am too sure that I want a future with him (the direction of that future has not been specified), while he can't really picture a future anymore, because he sees himself with a feminine woman (this one is weird. He says he is still attracted to me and he loves me and he is also sexually attracted to some other men, but he refuses to see himself as anything but 100% straight).
-When I asked him why he made plans to go on a vacation in korea with me next year just 2 days before, he said that he didn't plan to break up.
-I asked him if the breakup is forever and he said he doesn't know, but that it is definitely a breakup for now and that he wants to go see a therapist to fix his own issues.
While we were talking, he could barely look into my eyes. He cried a lot and said that he feels extremely guilty, because I "would bend over backwards" and compromise so much while he has let me down (I honestly don't even feel like I am bending over backwards. I have a very firm stance when it comes to issues that are important for my well being (my carreer and my transition), but I don't see any harm in compromising in other areas of my life).
He went to a convention over the weekend so I am alone in the apartment till tomorrow evening. I am not sure how to handle the situation from now on.
I know that I wrote a lot, but it feels good to get this off of my chest and I can't pester my friends constantly.
Any input will be appreciated.
(I am sorry if the text is maybe a little hard to read. As I mentioned above, I am not a native English speaker.)
Him and I are in our mid / late 20s and we had been a couple for about 3 1/2 years. We share a 2-bedroom apartment.
I was his first long-term relationship (the second longest being a 4 month ldr, the others never lasted more than a few weeks). For a few months, everything was great. I was slightly confused as to why he would only want to see me about twice a week in what I assumed should be our honeymoon phase, but I kept myself busy and didn't really worry. Things went on and mostly due to my efforts, we saw each other more. It was about that time that he had to move to a different city for work which meant that we could only see each other on the weekends. We saw each other nearly every weekend (he'd sometimes travel for a weekend or be gone for work). I was mostly fine with that, but did not hide my disappointment when he sometimes decided that he'd go and travel for a weekend right after he had been forced to be away for work, because it meant that we would only see each other once or twice per month. He, on the other hand, enjoyed the time he could spend alone. However, we had agreed that it would be a good idea for me to move into the same city half a year later (I finished my degree then), because he too, said that he wanted to build something serious. I made the mistake to ask about moving in together out of convenience (I had to move anyways and he wasn't too happy with his roommate) and he refused. That in itself was fine by me, but his depicton of the live-in scenario and of me had made me angry. He basically made it sound as if his life would be over and he would never be free again, if he moved in with a partner. I told him that I don't approve of the negative imagine that he had painted of me, but moved on otherwise.
He had never really communicated that he was unhappy with the then current arrangement up until about 5 or 6 months into the relationship. Then he did and nearly broke up with me during that same conversation. He said that everything was too much for him; that he wasn't used to being so close to someone / seeing someone so much. He felt unhappy and anxious and pressured and he blamed me. He called me needy and controlling (the only messages we shared regularly were "goodnights"). He had contacted me quite a few times on his own accord so I thought it must be fine, but he then said that he only did it, because he thought that I had expected it from him. I was in shock. I cried and tried to convince him that I didn't mean to pressure him. I asked him to go to a relationship councellor. He agreed and we went (I asked him to organize all of this in order to not just drag him along). This seemed to help for a while. Although my partner didn't speak much, he realized that I wasn't asking for extraordinary amounts of attention and that I wasn't controlling either (he already hated it when I asked him how his day had been, because he felt like I was checking in on him in a negative way).
I know that he had a terrible relationship with his mother who was very abusive to him and his siblings. She was high a lot, would yell at them for hours, and control his every move. He and his brother had been taken away by social workers for some short periods of time in between, but they always brought them back to the mother again. She has committed suicide quite a few years ago and still only blamed everyone around her. He only talked about it twice and in a very emotionless way. He still claims that "it wasn't nice, but whatever" and "you get used to it". He claims that he wasn't and isn't scared of or angry at her. The only thing he told the councellor was that "she was not a nice person".
About a year into the relationship, I moved into "his" city and started my masters' degree there. I had an apartment that was really close to his. It was great for a long time, because it would make it easy for either of us to visit the other for just a couple of hours per day at times. Things were going great again. We saw each other on most weekends and usually once in the week. I was less stressed when he'd be gone for a few weekends in a row, because we could still see each other for an evening or 2 in the week in these cases. He seemed more relaxed, because he felt less guilty when he planned weekends somewhere else. We would sometimes have smaller conflicts about closeness and distance in the relationship, but everything went well in general and we went on a few amazing vacations together as well.
We moved into a shared apartment about half a year ago. In hindsight, this was probably too much and the main reason for his breakup. Before we did, I had started to utter my desire to move in with him. We had been a couple for about 2 1/2 years then and early cohabitation >without< the intention of marrying or starting a family is common in my country (I am German and he is American). In turn, he completely reverted back to his reactions when we fought for the first time. He nearly broke up again. I gave him a bit of space and told him to think about it for a while. About 1 month later, I raised the issue again. He reacted in the same way he had before. At that point I took matters into my own hands. He said he loved me, but he felt overwhelmed and just not ready. Then, as always, he said that he isn't even sure if he wants a relationship. I told him that he should think about it for 3 months and make a decision then. If he doesn't know what he wants then, I will, because I don't want to be with a person that isn't even sure about the relationship. He agreed and time passed. As I didn't raise the issue, we had an amazing time.
3 months later, we had >the< talk. He struggled a lot, but decided that he wanted to give it a try. We agreed that we needed a place with 2 bedrooms so that he could close the door and withdraw whenever he felt the need to do so (he never did). He also promised to tell me whenever he was feeling overwhelmed immediatly, instead of letting the emotions build up. We moved in togehter about 3 years into the relationship and, needless to say, he didn't speak about his feelings. He seemed very happy as well and he was very affectionate for the first few months. A few months in, we flew to America together, so that I could meet his family and friends. Back home, everyting seemed to go well for a while too, but then I noticed that he started to spend an unusual amount of time being busy with all kinds of different things. He started coming home later from work and when he did, he was tired. He would still go to bed later than I did, so that he would only slip into our shared bed when I was fast asleep already. I started to feel like I had to beg him for any sort of longer physical affection (he would still kiss me every morning when he left the house and in the evening when he came home from work, but he wouldn't be as affectionate as he was before). I asked him about his feelings and why he was so... mellow, but he insisted on being tired from work. I wanted to believe him, so I did and tried to not worry about it. About 2 or 3 weeks before the breakup, he told me that he was unhappy and had anxiety attacks when he came home from work. I tried to find out which of my behaviors would make him feel this way and he mentioned that I hadn't been very orderly leaving him with a bunch of housework (fair point) and that I had told him too much about my problems recently (I am nonbinary and currently transition socially and medically. My family doesn't take it very well and I faced a lot of rejection, because of that. I also recently started a therapy, because my first boyfriend abused me emotionally and sexually (that was about 5 years ago) and I still have to work through anxiety issues that are most likely a result of these experiences). I talked about these issues about 2 or 3 times per week and I had told him to stop me if it is too much, but I see that I was being insensitive there. After that conversation, I started keeping the apartment completely clean and refrained from talking about these issues with him completely. He acted a little more positive after that conversation, but then he suddenly broke up, when I checked in on his feelings a few weeks later.
These are the contents of our discussion:
-He said that he still loved me and that he was still attracted to me, but that he was unhappy and had panic attacks whenever he came home
. He said that he sometimes screams internally when he is with me, but that he can't clearly say why
.
-He says he feels pressured, because I love him too much / I am too sure that I want a future with him (the direction of that future has not been specified), while he can't really picture a future anymore, because he sees himself with a feminine woman (this one is weird. He says he is still attracted to me and he loves me and he is also sexually attracted to some other men, but he refuses to see himself as anything but 100% straight).
-When I asked him why he made plans to go on a vacation in korea with me next year just 2 days before, he said that he didn't plan to break up.
-I asked him if the breakup is forever and he said he doesn't know, but that it is definitely a breakup for now and that he wants to go see a therapist to fix his own issues.
While we were talking, he could barely look into my eyes. He cried a lot and said that he feels extremely guilty, because I "would bend over backwards" and compromise so much while he has let me down (I honestly don't even feel like I am bending over backwards. I have a very firm stance when it comes to issues that are important for my well being (my carreer and my transition), but I don't see any harm in compromising in other areas of my life).
He went to a convention over the weekend so I am alone in the apartment till tomorrow evening. I am not sure how to handle the situation from now on.
I know that I wrote a lot, but it feels good to get this off of my chest and I can't pester my friends constantly.
Any input will be appreciated.
(I am sorry if the text is maybe a little hard to read. As I mentioned above, I am not a native English speaker.)