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Post by kristyrose on Sept 7, 2018 22:46:56 GMT
Hey everyone,
Just needing some support.
I was texting with my ex, just chitchat, then asked how his day is, he mentioned going away tomorrow for a possible overnighter, I know this will be a solo trip but all I can think of is why isn't he inviting me? We frequently do overnighters and have spent a lot of time this summer doing just that, and I know of course he has all the right in the world to want to go somewhere without me, just feel sad and a bit triggered.
I offered to lend him some of the stuff we normally use when we go and didn't ask questions or anything just kept it light. I feel pathetic for feeling this way and will not let him see it of course, just feel sad and wish I didn't feel this way.
We have been getting along very well and have been supportive and caring with one another after a series of talks, but I could also feel some of his secretive distance this week, so I've stayed away from communicating too much.
I guess I just see how hard it is for me to carry on without knowing when I will see him again. Seeing him during the week is almost impossible these days with his work schedule. He often uses work as his primary excuse to be left alone- he works from home independent contractor, but has always been less available due to his job since I met him.
Any advice or just a virtual slap across the face would be great...
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Post by alexandra on Sept 7, 2018 22:50:14 GMT
You've been feeling closer lately, and you are probably feeling vulnerable because in another post you said you opened up to him recently to ask for help and he showed up.
Seems normal that he'd then want to step back and have his own space if he's feeling too close. He's FA, that's part of his normal pattern you describe. Nothing new here to feel badly about, just another moment to take stock of yourself and figure out if this type of relationship is really what serves you best?
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Post by epicgum on Sept 7, 2018 23:07:35 GMT
Yeah, he's just feeling too close and needs to distance! Kick back and relax, nothing to do with you  |
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Post by kristyrose on Sept 7, 2018 23:10:26 GMT
Thank you alexandra. You're right... I hate how I immediately have a physical response to his leaving for the weekend without me. I feel physically ill and it reminds me of when my mother would leave for weekend trips with my grandmother and I would feel completely abandoned despite the fact that she was often very cold and abusive. I guess I forget that he is opposite of me and doesn't think how can I go away without her? I think of him first for every weekend activity and I know thats not the case with him. |
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Post by kristyrose on Sept 7, 2018 23:24:36 GMT
Yeah, he's just feeling too close and needs to distance! Kick back and relax, nothing to do with you thank you epicgum! I wish it didn't take such a toll on me. I actually made plans earlier this week to be with friends tonight and tomorrow so not even free anyway. I try to also keep up with my own life and not dwell on what we used to do. lately more than ever before in the past year I have been reminiscing about how we would spend the entire weekend together, every weekend seeing his friends, being alone together, sometimes just relaxing sometimes going out- now its overnighters but not two nights, sometimes a weekend is skipped here and there, sometimes its only for a few hours on a sunday. This didn't bother me as much but I will admit as more time has passed in this faux friendship of ours, the more I miss the old times and my anxiety has been building. Only remedy I see is to truly walk away, that is what I've been struggling with so much. When we are together, it is very romantic and loving, so like a junkie, I just wait for those highs no matter how inconsistent now. :-( |
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Post by lilyg on Sept 8, 2018 7:14:52 GMT
I'm so sorry you're having a hard time 😞 he seems to need space for himself, which Is pretty normal and healthy, but I understand you being triggered because of your current situation with him.
Try to think that even if he chooses this weekend to be alone, you're still a very important person to him. You don't have to be present always for him to think of you.
Still, you have to think if you want to keep being 'his friend' or if you want a relationship with someone that has more time for you. Personally I it would drive me to the edge.
Take this weekend for yourself and have fun with your friends 😊 Big hug!
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2018 12:25:35 GMT
another perspective is that generosity can sometimes dispel a feeling of lack.
i'm not sure in this situation that it's helpful to see it this way, but when my partner takes some much needed time for himself, internally i wish him joy and freedom for that time, so he can feel refreshed and renew himself.
i do have the perspective of also being a DA who needs solitary activity, but i also desire more time with him. He has much less free time than i do, so he and i both prioritize his time for himself, he is starved for it.
anyway, it's not the same dynamic but in terms of shifting your own mindset which is causing you to suffer, you might be able to offer this weekend to him as a gift from your own heart.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2018 15:25:35 GMT
kristyrose, sending you lots of hugs. I don't know if I have any useful advice. It seems the limbo is hurting you. It's hard to be in a place where you don't quite know where you stand . I think it's up to you if the boundaries (or lack of) have more pros than cons. When you decide it's time, you will build the walls.
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Post by kristyrose on Sept 8, 2018 17:55:32 GMT
another perspective is that generosity can sometimes dispel a feeling of lack. i'm not sure in this situation that it's helpful to see it this way, but when my partner takes some much needed time for himself, internally i wish him joy and freedom for that time, so he can feel refreshed and renew himself. i do have the perspective of also being a DA who needs solitary activity, but i also desire more time with him. He has much less free time than i do, so he and i both prioritize his time for himself, he is starved for it. anyway, it's not the same dynamic but in terms of shifting your own mindset which is causing you to suffer, you might be able to offer this weekend to him as a gift from your own heart. Hi juniper, I really like what you say here. Funny enough, after I posted this thread I took a step back and thought about what it means to really love someone. I realized that I didn't even expect to see him this weekend, I had made plans for most of the weekend early in the week thinking that given how much time we have spent lately, he most likely will need a little space and that should be OK with me. I also reminded myself that he doesn't want to hurt me, that he has good intentions and that when he feels flooded this alone time is so important for him to recharge. I realized I even need my alone time to recharge from friends and family- not so much him because our time is limited, but I stopped overreacting and got in touch with my own feelings which have nothing to do with him and everything to do with that little girl inside who gets activated very easily at the first sign of abandonment. I credit the EMDR for helping me catch this faster than before. To that end, I sent him a very positive text letting him know that I hope he gets to have a very relaxing weekend and that I'm looking forward to the same. Not too long after he started sharing some funny stories from his work week via text while I was on my way out to see some friends. Then, probably an hour after, invited me to join him. I actually had to decline because I have plans for this evening so I could not go away overnight, but told him if he was open to planning something next weekend, I'm available then. All in all I felt very good about checking in with myself, recognizing my own feelings and not personalizing everything. The support on this thread really helped remind me of this! Thanks every! |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2018 18:30:52 GMT
ah, kristyrose, that's beautiful. i am looking forward to time with my partner too, but he went on a wonderful motorcycle ride with an old friend in the mountains for today and tomorrow. I called him to wish him a beautiful time this morning, and he was already riding. He sounded so happy and relaxed, it makes me really happy to hear that in his voice. It makes my heart swell actually and makes me look forward to seeing him even more! We all need to have that freedom to do what brings us joy, and recognize what brings our partners joy also. |
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Post by DearLover on Sept 8, 2018 19:54:46 GMT
But...he is an ex isn't him?
Isn't this friendship keeping you from moving on? Not necessarily with somebody else, but with your own life?
Look how this is making you feel.
Can you not become friends again once you are in a much better place?
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Post by leavethelighton on Sept 10, 2018 0:07:57 GMT
I hope you ended up having a good weekend.
Sometimes you have to let yourself feel what you feel...
but I do hope you did something special for yourself too.
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Post by kristyrose on Sept 10, 2018 17:47:28 GMT
But...he is an ex isn't him? Isn't this friendship keeping you from moving on? Not necessarily with somebody else, but with your own life? Look how this is making you feel. Can you not become friends again once you are in a much better place? Hi dearlover, He is definitely an ex and this faux friendship is keeping me from moving on for sure. I don't even know if we can become real friends down the road. He broke up with me in April of last year and after about 2 months came back and we have been basically exclusively dating for the past year and a half. we have had a few talks about our status, but he insists that we are only friends despite not seeing others. It has been hard for me to accept that when he still acts loving towards me and we still go on dates and go away together, however, I know this will not change. He feels more relaxed as friends versus being a couple. For more context, i am his longest relationship and he is almost 46. we dated officially for 2 years but have been seeing each other for over 3 years so I can only guess that its hard for him to let go of me because its probably comforting. I don't know. sometimes i think its because he just loves me and I love him, sometimes i think we are just locked in the FA/AP dance. At any rate, I come on here to work through this and also recognize that the only solution is to move on from him. |
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Post by kristyrose on Sept 10, 2018 17:49:51 GMT
I hope you ended up having a good weekend. Sometimes you have to let yourself feel what you feel... but I do hope you did something special for yourself too. thank you! I actually ended up seeing him when some of my free time was open. we had a really nice time together, but I also enjoyed being with friends. I let myself feel as I did on friday, but was so glad to see that I could pull myself out of it and shift my focus. Thank you for the very kind and supportive words... |
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Post by DearLover on Sept 11, 2018 19:59:41 GMT
I hope you ended up having a good weekend. Sometimes you have to let yourself feel what you feel... but I do hope you did something special for yourself too. thank you! I actually ended up seeing him when some of my free time was open. we had a really nice time together, but I also enjoyed being with friends. I let myself feel as I did on friday, but was so glad to see that I could pull myself out of it and shift my focus. Thank you for the very kind and supportive words... But if you are dating, then that can't be JUST friends! Your expectations will always be high. |
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