"Normal" childhood

This is something that has crossed my mind so many times since discovering attachment styles and theory.
I am very avoidant in almost all relationships apart those with partners.
My bf who ticks all the boxes for being FA in relationships but not so much with family and friends.
He talks fondly of his parents almost appears a mummies boy in some ways.
He has mentioned his father was quite controlling but having four sons thinks that was perfectly acceptable behaviour.
He was bullied in school though and does say that effected him a lot.
I had a very controlling mother and parents were both quite passive aggressive.
I never heard them argue but when they fell out they often wouldn't speak for weeks even months on end, that was upsetting.
Mother wasn't capable of showing warmth or affection. And both mum and dad have never said the L word.
Remember being sent to my room if I got upset or showed any emotions including anger, but I was kept warm, fed and kept safe and feel both my parents always did the best they could.
Mum was only 16 when she got married she is now 72 and still married to my dad.
No neglect, no real physical abuse but mum would smack me if I wasn't behaving how she wanted me to, I guess that is physical abuse but all my friends parents smacked there kids too so it was kind off accepted.
It doesn't fit with what I've read regarding the reason children end up with a fearful avoidant attachment.
I do wonder if the fact that at 19 mths old my baby sister died.
I can't remember anything of this as mum never talks of this but that must have been very traumatic.
I don't know it's all quite complexed who really knows.
I feel my choice in men in my adult men has caused me a lot of trauma, but that boils down to my attachment style apperently. Being AP is the reason behind my actions and choice in men.
Look forward to hearing from others regarding there experiences.
Great thread I must say

I get where you are going with this Epicgum...but remember that you are an adult looking back on your childhood. You have so much more capacity now then little epicgum did when he was wounded. Being locked in a room is terrifying for a little child, no matter what the reason. Spanking inflicts pain that if not followed up with some form of reconcilliation from the parent that says...what you did was bad, but i still love you, can lead to trust issues and shame in future relationships. Right now...I think it is best to focus on being little epicgum's advocate rather than analyzing your parents or home life. Wounding is wounding...there is no "his wounding was worse then mine" in a child's eyes. My parents did the best they could as well...yet little TNR grew up with insecurity that came from inconsistency, neglect and divorce. What we get to do however is to choose a different path for ourselves...we get to give to our child selves the consistency, availability, security, understanding etc that the child has craved from another. I wish you so much healing on your journey.

I can totally relate (and I know we're also talking about it a bit on a different board).
I don't think I'm FA, but I'm not wholly DA or AP either so who knows.

I think a few things:


2. Even if a parent tries hard, they're invariably going to be somewhat inconsistent. You just can't always be responsive to a child, and in the interest of boundary setting probably shouldn't be. (Ex: I worked soooo hard to do "attachment parenting," but I also had babies who would literally wake up crying 8 times a night night after night, and sometimes one is literally too exhausted to be fully responsive). Some kids are more affected by these inevitable inconsistencies. Same when it comes to things like bullying in school.

3. I believe there are biochemical links to things like depression. Now it's chicken or egg really, but if you lack a certain balance of neurotransmitters, that may strengthen your attachment style(s) whatever it or they may be, regardless of how you were parented. Then there's also the fact that if you have depression challenges maybe your parents did too (genetics) which may have affected the consistency with which they could be present in your life.

4. Social skills lead to patterns too. Some of this may have to do with parenting, but some kids naturally have amazing social skills that lead to great relationships, and others struggle with the social realm of life in ways that may reinforce attachment issues, and it isn't all parenting. Like if your social skills lead you to decades of having trouble making or keeping friends, that's going to help cement an attachment style. On the other hand, I realize that attachment style is also going to drive you towards or away from certain types of people (mostly subconsciously) and so reinforce those patterns.

Interesting thread!

I was blessed with a lot of stability and love in my early family life. I think my attachment issues mainly come from multiple best friends turning into worst bullies (happened three times in a row from the ages of 8 to 12, and I was such a sensitive little creature).

I'm curious whether anyone thinks that their attachment issues were at all shaped by doting 'helicopter parents.' Mine were wonderfully loving and consistent while also highly overprotective, swooping in to do for me any little task I hadn't yet mastered (inadvertently making me feel that they didn't regard me as competent), trying to insulate me from life's little bumps, spoiling me, etc. Can that parenting style give rise to over-reliance on others for emotional regulation and lack of trust in oneself... even a deep-seated feeling of inadequacy? I mean, I adore my parents and they did a great job - I'm just trying to understand the subtler roots of my AP side. I also have a secure side and am so grateful to my parents for showing me that I was worthy of love and that people can be worthy of trust. It's a profound gift.

I think my parents were sometimes a little too uninvolved.

I disagree a bit with Epicgum that parents should only help when asked in that some people will not ask for guidance or help even when they really need it. For many years I suffered a great deal but never asked for help. Parents can't be psychic of course, but you could also end up in the opposite situation where people feel like they can't rely on anyone but themselves.

Now that I'm older we have more of a balance in this regard-- I ask enough, they offer enough.

Interesting about idealization of parents being an AP thing. I'm more AP than anything, and I think I did the opposite of idealizing my parents to the point where I did not recognize all they actually had done for me, until recently. I also struggle with a DA side but I thought I read people with more DA tendencies idealize their parents and are often not able to articulate much negative about their childhoods.

Regarding bullying, yes! I can't help but wonder if my youthful social struggles stemmed from attachment styles too, however. How do you know when attachment styles are affecting your ability to have positive social relations (or set boundaries or seek help or find allies or whatever) vs. when social problems in youth affect your later attachment styles?