Post by outlander81 on Sept 15, 2018 22:14:03 GMT
Been reading a lot of threads this evening tryng to make sense of my FA (with dismissive traits at times) ex boyfriends current communication.
Just some background- I have realised I am AP and will be on that forum for support for myself. I have been in relationship with a FA for 4 years. He is in his late 40s, I am late 30's. He had just come out of a 4 yr relationship where he had actually moved in with the woman and they had a cat together (although he made it clear he wasn't going to do that again) and we met through a self help/spiritual group and both seemed motivated to work hard to get past our issues.
And we did work damn hard. But whilst partly working hard to communicate better, we were also working harder at playing out our dysfunctional dance as I now know it.
I got very close to encouranging him to confront issues around his father (who died yrs ago, and must be the main cause of the FA as well as bullying at school), his mum is warm and secure...very odd.
And then the discard started...going off sex, checking out completely emotionally despite my mother currently dying of cancer (who is the cause of my AP type)...then one day he walks out saying 'i can't do this anymore'.
A week later wants to skype, i am a mess, he tells me he's in a bad place, depressed. I ask if he still loves me, he can't answer. He implies me saying some challenging things and not agreeing with him about things he is into (politicial/sociological stuff) mean he can't trust me any longer. But I am his best friend and still wants to be friends. I'm a wreck, say basically how can you still want to be friends with someone you no longer love and don't trust? He said 'because i'm messed up'.
I said 'I don't know how that would work because I'm still in love and atracted to you'.
We agree on NC for 3 weeks then see how we feel.
3 weeks rolls around, during which I have never been so heartbroken and devastated, crying every night, exhausted by the grief and heartbreak but working hard to move forward. Then he messages 'how are you doing 
?'- 
! So i say not great. 'Can i pop over this Sunday?' ?!!
?'- 
! So i say not great. 'Can i pop over this Sunday?' ?!!I tell him that would be overwhleming but we can skype. mainly to just see WTH his thinking is at this point.
Tonight it was obvious- He cannot empathise or relate to my heartbreak over the relationship (I know this is the FA/DA not that he doesn't feel anything but it's so hard to see that, there's almost a level of pity from him that I'm so broken and he's doing ok thanks...')
He when pushed, at least was honest he is not in love or sexually attracted anymore (but reading forums can I even trust that or is it just another deactivating strategy?)
'that he's not able to understand my side at all- I said- how would you feel if someone you were attached to was basically dead to you but walking around and getting on with there life and you had to watch that every day.'
'So you can't be friends?'... goddamn how manipulative is that!
But, there were moments of genuine care in there too. He says I am his best friend (let's be frank, I'm his only damn friend and I told him that and he needs to seriously consider if he wants me as a friend, or just to develop the abilit o be open to having friends full stop, but he can't manage that so is settling for this)
I called him out on the 'can i just pop over this weekend'- I said if we develop a different sort of relationship it will be different, not just doing the same patterns as before without having sex!
I know he just wants his cake and eat it right now. reading other threads they descalate to this point and then start giving mixed messages again. I told him he doesn't know what he wants.
The problem is neither do I right now.
