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Post by writerguy on Sept 16, 2018 18:07:18 GMT
Do FA symptoms get worse with aging? Just wondering about signs I saw in my ex (she was 48 when we split but looked great) as we got older: she become more withdrawn, not as open to new experiences, I almost always had to initiate sex, she became more depressed about her self-image (including more and more plastic surgery.) I know that society places LOTS of stuff on women as they age...does being an FA - with self-image issues - make that even worse? Also, she has not been in therapy to address these issues.
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 16, 2018 18:21:43 GMT
Hey writer guy...if she is your ex...then why all these questions about her? It seems to me that it is a distraction from your own healing. Women in general have a hard time with aging..especially with the societal pressure for youth. I think it is not an FA thing at all...not everything ties back to attachment theory.
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Post by writerguy on Sept 16, 2018 18:48:53 GMT
Hey writer guy...if she is your ex...then why all these questions about her? It seems to me that it is a distraction from your own healing. Women in general have a hard time with aging..especially with the societal pressure for youth. I think it is not an FA thing at all...not everything ties back to attachment theory. I totally get that I shouldn't remain focused on her - I'm just trying to understand how I missed red flags and clues. I also get that not EVERYTHING is about attachment and that everyone is unique. It's just so many of the things fit her so well - a poor self-image and poor image of others. I've been budgeting some of my time to ask questions, but perhaps you're right and it's getting in my way. It's just my particular way of inside-outing the issue since it's been such a revelation to me. Thanks again. |
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Post by epicgum on Sept 16, 2018 19:59:55 GMT
My ramblings:
I think it comes down to the false self and not thinking that your true self is worthy of love. So, because the FA doesn't believe that anyone could really love them for who they are on the inside, they build up the false "exterior" self that can receive love in a transactional sense through that.
Ie. Your girlfriend thinks that she deserves love because she is hot, not because of who she is as a whole person. As her physical beauty fades this causes great insecurity as this is the thing that (to her) makes her worthy of love. It is natural that she would be desperate to preserve it, as she needs love just like any of us.
She also may feel that her beauty is so potent that it gives her power and control in the relationship. Control is paramount to the FA, probably for a lot of reasons, but mostly for the first reason, because if she isn't in control she won't recieve the love she craves, and not being able to dictate the terms of the relationship means that she fears she will either be engulfed or abandoned.
(Btw, I am a man, but somewhat similar issues albeit to a lesser extent. It's also worth noting how you may have played into this. My exgf was all about my body....which is not a bad thing in the slightest, but at moments may have helped feed into the idea that she ONLY cared about my body. Well rounded appreciation/compliments could probably help in future cases like this.)
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joan
Full Member
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Post by joan on Sept 17, 2018 6:54:26 GMT
Writerguy - I don't think it's necessarily about an attachment issue as much as it is about her just having low self esteem. I'm AP, but I've found I struggle like your ex does with aging. My perceived power and control had always centered around my outer appearance. As long as I got attention and could attract with my external appearance and this false self like epicgum referred to, it was easier to hide the ugliness I felt inside. I didn't have to work on those issues. As I got older I started to realize I needed to find things within myself to feel good about. This need for your ex to preserve her external beauty is so very fleeting and obviously not sustainable. My current DA partner also relies heavily on his appearance, probably more so than me. I've been on a quest to find more internal esteem, but it's not easy as the years go by watching your false exterior start to fade.
Your ex could keep fighting the losing battle of time, but at some point it will catch up. There's nothing wrong with wanting to look good, but to rely on that so strongly for validation and attention it's going to be a rough road.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 19, 2018 17:23:03 GMT
Do FA symptoms get worse with aging? Just wondering about signs I saw in my ex (she was 48 when we split but looked great) as we got older: she become more withdrawn, not as open to new experiences, I almost always had to initiate sex, she became more depressed about her self-image (including more and more plastic surgery.) I know that society places LOTS of stuff on women as they age...does being an FA - with self-image issues - make that even worse? Also, she has not been in therapy to address these issues. I think my "DAness" gets better with age, BUT I have had quite a bit of therapy. I think societally woman struggle with looks and men struggle with money. I know this is an oversimplification, but insecurities will only magnify what society tells us and for some, it's internalized. |
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Post by stephster on Oct 8, 2018 6:06:35 GMT
My ramblings: I think it comes down to the false self and not thinking that your true self is worthy of love. So, because the FA doesn't believe that anyone could really love them for who they are on the inside, they build up the false "exterior" self that can receive love in a transactional sense through that. Ie. Your girlfriend thinks that she deserves love because she is hot, not because of who she is as a whole person. As her physical beauty fades this causes great insecurity as this is the thing that (to her) makes her worthy of love. It is natural that she would be desperate to preserve it, as she needs love just like any of us. She also may feel that her beauty is so potent that it gives her power and control in the relationship. Control is paramount to the FA, probably for a lot of reasons, but mostly for the first reason, because if she isn't in control she won't recieve the love she craves, and not being able to dictate the terms of the relationship means that she fears she will either be engulfed or abandoned. (Btw, I am a man, but somewhat similar issues albeit to a lesser extent. It's also worth noting how you may have played into this. My exgf was all about my body....which is not a bad thing in the slightest, but at moments may have helped feed into the idea that she ONLY cared about my body. Well rounded appreciation/compliments could probably help in future cases like this.) I so relate to everything you just wrote. The FA in my life is body obsessed to the point of taking steriods to maintain his gladiator like physique. I admit, his body turns me on very much. But I know I would love him even if he lost it. I just get the sense that his outside image and persona in certain situation is an act and that deep down he is completely different than how he portrays himself. |
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