any final tips

I don't know much about this situation but it sounds really really hard.

Does she acknowledge the frequent blow-ups and periods of silent treatment are a serious problem in the relationship that you both need to work on together? Do you get the sense that she wants to collaborate with you to change the pattern here?

She keeps saying that she doesn't trust you. Has she explained what that's about? From your own self-reflection, do you think you've behaved in ways that have undermined her trust? And/or is some trust issue being triggered for her here that isn't entirely about you? Has she proposed steps you can take to repair the trust?

Saying that somebody does not deserve kindness is a VERY intense thing to say. How do you feel about being with somebody who would say that to you? Do YOU think you deserve kindness? I do, and I don't even know you. My personal view is that conflict and hurt are best worked through with assertiveness and good boundaries and frankness and self-protection AND basic kindness as well... or at least respect. I guess it all depends what that word means to her.

You say you really like her, and at the same time there's so much going on in this relationship that seems really stressful and hurtful. Have you done some thinking about whether your liking her so much despite her behaviour stems from your own attachment wounds?

5. well the last few times, ive been stepping up for myself and telling her that i dont like how she treats me. that its emotional/mental abuse. I usually try to compromise in regards to the argument because in general i hate conflict. i defend myself for a bit, and then we end up arguing and she gets really mad and then after a while i usually say sorry.


I have asked her why her trust for me is low, she says that usually we make up for a bit and i promise i wont do it again but then she does something that really hurts me and i bring it up and it makes her mad. For example im in her town for a bit cause of a business trip and i try to schedule plans with her to maybe get lunch or dinner and she says she cant make it and im just really confused. she has free time, i know it for sure. She knows i will be sad that she wont come out to see me and she still messages me here and there during my business trip trying to make talk. Obviously i get triggered and say something and we get into an argument. If someone really wanted to spend time with you, they would do it right? 
Also ive done so much for her and im not sure if shes testing me to see how i react but i end up acting the annoyed/overbearing way and want to see her badly and she just straight up rejects me knowing how i will feel.

this is a toxic relationship.
you sound as though you identify as a victim.
you can analyze her here until the cows come home and it won't help you.
you can take responsibility for your half of this dynamic, but it sounds as though you minimize your contributions and tend to blame her.
if you don't like being abused then figure out why you are still there. i'll give you a hint: it's your own dysfunction, and you seek to change and accommodate and rebel against her instead of making the choice to enforce your own healthy boundaries and leave, (all th while claiming that she is the one with the control issues doing things on her terms. )

the fact is, you don't accept her as she is, she doesn't accept you, you both are toxic and angry and wanting the other to accept responsibility and change.

You are fighting for your terms, which you feel are right, and just not being successful. that may make you feel like she is getting everything on her terms- but clearly she is not if she is angry and thinks you should work on yourself.

so, it sounds like a power struggle, not a relationship.

This is not a mutually respectful and compatible dynamic, and it's not just her fault. it's both of you, acting out together. at least that's what it reads like to me.

i agree it isn't right to say those things.
what i mean about being a victim, is that as an adult with choices and the personal responsibility to develop healthy boundaries to protect yourself from other people's destructive behaviors, you are not a victim if you avoid that responsibility, you are a volunteer.

i understand full well that it takes experience and maturity to come to the insight that we are primarily responsible for our own health and well being as adults, and that we cannot make everyone or anyone around us behave the way we wish them to. I also understand that these patterns in us were created when we were powerless as children, and continue into adulthood and cause us to give our power away. The fact is, that beyond setting boundaries and enforcing them in these situations, there isn't much more influence to be had over someone else's dysfunction, but we have power over our own, and choices to make around it.

So, i won't be interacting with you more about her poor behavior, simply because i have no influence over it and neither do you. However, if you were to gain an active interest in developing and enforcing healthy boundaries for your own well being, instead of focusing on her behaviors, i would be happy to pull in along side and support you here.

wishing you empowerment- and the end of the fantasy of a good outcome from continuing to participate such an unhealthy and toxic dynamic.

I am sorry you're going through this. I can understand the anxiety that the possibility of losing her is inducing you. Are you still together after a break-up or you've broken up and are 'being friends' right now? I tell you this because while I'm pretty secure, but breaking up with my boyfriend and getting back together has made me more anxious and alert. As our trust has been broken by this, I'm sometimes triggered by my own fears. It has been good for me to understand where these thoughts and actions are coming from so I can talk them with my partner. Of course, she has to be willing to understand and be present when something has to be adressed. You asking for help and reassurance has to be a very honest talk… no protest behaviours or 'emotional manipulation'. If she cannot go there with you it'll be impossible. If you cannot control yourself and stop spamming her for assurance it'll be impossible too.

If you've broken up, I suggest you go no contact for a while, at least a month, so you can work on yourself and give you both mental and emotional space to think through all of this.

Have you discussed attachment styles with her? It seems you're aware of both of your attachment styles, but is she? At this moment in your relationship you both have to be very understanding on each others' dynamic. You both need to be aware on what's going on.

I can see her doing her life her own way, it's exactly like my boyfriend. It's something I actually admire, I'm kinda like that too on many ways. But I have developed a fear I'm working on. So I try to respect that space and drive but I also try to inspire him to be more intimate and draw healthy boundaries that I need in order to be in a relationship. You cannot just let her be and disconnect from her, but you have to give her space, she has to make decisions. It has to be organic and gentle. There has to be no agenda… both of you have to be willing to work on developing a real relationship: understanding, trustful… a safe place to be yourselves.

It seems that you are very good on your work and you have a stable life. Focus on that and regain the power of your life. Focus on other important relationships for you. You cannot control her, you can control you and your insight of yourself. Healthy boundaries come from within. You have to feel good about yourself to gain a more objective perspective on everything.

There's a lot of information about avoidance here, I recommend you to read and try to understand the place where she's coming from. If you still feel she cannot give you what you need, maybe you have to think if you really want to keep this cycle. Love is not about taking hostages (I'm talking about her and you both). You both have to practice secure bonding.

I've had some problems with my anxiety and texting, you can go search for my thread as there are some great insights of amazing posters here.

Take care! I hope this forums helps you as much as it has helped me.

Yea i admire that she wants to do life her own way. When we were in a relationship, we both got really really attached to each other and we started declining in other parts of our life. We are being friends right now. she doesnt want a relationship at the moment in her life and wants to focus on school/work. I admire it because it shows she does have some ambition.
I do have a stable job and life. However anyone that has been depressed knows that this doesnt really help even though i love my job. My problem is that i dont know how to find a balance between respecting her space and drive but also being there for her.
Do i just stop messaging her and let her message me? do i detach myself? what do i do in certain situations like when we are close and she suddenly just goes missing for a few days.

I do know i cant control her nor can i force her to do things she doesnt want to do. I probably have to work on myself and gain a more logical approach to us.

I have no childhood trauma. my first girlfriend had NPD and that definitely made me insecure in some aspects. she would do the whole constant breakup to test if i like her or not and want me to show her attention 24/7. it was a bit too much and i broke up with her. As a child i was very very overprotected by my parents. Im a single child and they love me unconditionally. It did definitely make me anxious in a lot of ways in my future relationships.