andy
Full Member
Posts: 131
|
Post by andy on Sept 18, 2018 4:54:45 GMT
As a child i was very very overprotected by my parents. Im a single child and they love me unconditionally. It did definitely make me anxious in a lot of ways in my future relationships. , this is my situation as well: only child of overprotective parents. I think that this kind of parenting, though it comes from a place of love, can undermine a kid's self-confidence and lead to overreliance on others and difficulties with self-responsibility. When a little kid is just figuring out to do some new task and a parent swoops in and does it for them, the little kid doesn't think, "Oh, my parents are anxious, and they think they're taking care of me by doing this. They are well-intentioned, but honestly they are just getting in my way." The little kid is more likely to think, "My parents don't think I'm capable, and they're right. I don't know what I'm doing. I can't do anything by myself. I'm not very good." If you can have some compassion for yourself around your feelings of inadequacy and also push yourself to learn and master new things that are out of your comfort zone, that might help some? I know it is really hard to challenge yourself this way when you're also dealing with depression. It is a tough situation, no easy way to feel better instantly, but it is great you recognize the problems and are reflecting on what you can do differently. Maybe some writing down and repeating some affirmations about your own capability would help? When you feel helpless or resistant to making a change you know deep down is needed, would it help to think about how awesome you'll feel to challenge your false and hurtful perception of yourself as not powerful and capable? PS. This is all based on my own experience and I will not take offense if the personal power/competency stuff does not resonate for you. |
|
|
|
Post by wahlookie on Sept 18, 2018 5:57:38 GMT
no i 100 percent agree with you. it has made me very insecure and anxious in a lot of ways. i think i maybe look towards the unconditional love ive felt from my parents from my relationships and it just doesnt happen so i get very insecure. and yea my confidence is low a lot of the time and sometimes i have a surge of confidence. I also tend to have issues with self responsibility because my parents never really let me learn from my mistakes.
im very spoiled in some ways and i havent really had to learn from a lot of bad things in my life till age 23 or so. I never dated till my 20s and this was actually my 2nd gf.
i am in a very good spot financially and career wise but i still have issues with self worth. its probably a reason i let her walk all over me at times. i really really do like her and care about her and i want to give her the love and care that is unconditional but she just doesnt trust me. every time i do something nice for her, she thinks im doing it to get something, whether its her attention or time or even a relationship again.
and then idk if shes actually trying to take advantage of me in certain situations but i like to look at the good in people so i pray to god she isnt. i dont want to just be someone that feeds her self esteem, does nice things for her financially. she does know that i would do anything for her. i honestly think shes amazing and worship her in a lot of ways and i dont want her to come back to me purely because of that.
|
|
|
|
Post by anne12 on Sept 18, 2018 7:27:41 GMT
There are many relationships that fail because one or both believe, that the inner child needs to be healed by the partner.
But a partner can not heal your inner child. Not even if your partner gives you so much love and care.
Because your inner child either rejects the love, because you are afraid to take it in (the avoidant) or the inner child is like a big hole that just sucks and sucks and can not get enough (the ambivalent).
It is only you, and maybe with the support of a therapist, who can heal your inner child.
Your partners love can lubricate and help the whole process, by giving you the energy for healing.
Leonard Jacobsen says, that you can be a little child in the relationship, as long as you are aware of it, when you are.
This is the great challenge of staying conscious. Because it is often an unconscious part of us that floods us, when we become the little child.
This is a general perspective, no matter what kind of relationship you are in (even with a secure person).
|
|
|
|
Post by happyidiot on Sept 18, 2018 7:29:26 GMT
"i think i maybe look towards the unconditional love ive felt from my parents from my relationships and it just doesent happen..."
"...give her the love and care that is unconditional..."This kind of love only excists between parents and their children. If you think, you can get this kind of love or give this kind of love in a relationship, you will only hurt your relationship. The expectation: "you should take care of me", can make the sexdrive disapear or make the playfullness, the lightness or the engagement disapear. Unconditional love can exist between romantic partners. It is different to love someone no matter what than it is to choose to be in a relationship with them no matter what— an unconditional relationship. Some people do even choose to have an unconditional relationship. They don't have any boundaries and base their decision to be in the relationship purely on their feeling of love. This rarely works out well! Feeling unconditional love for someone is ok, as long as you are still able to set healthy boundaries and to leave relationships that are not workable. Showing someone you love them should not be about doing whatever they want or letting them walk all over you. Not only is that not attractive it is not good for the other person either. Even a parent's unconditional love should still be accompanied by boundaries. Yes, a good parent is unlikely to "break up with" their child, but again, loving a child unconditionally is not about doing whatever they want or doing everything for them, etc. |
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Sept 18, 2018 15:35:30 GMT
As a child i was very very overprotected by my parents. Im a single child and they love me unconditionally. It did definitely make me anxious in a lot of ways in my future relationships. , this is my situation as well: only child of overprotective parents. I think that this kind of parenting, though it comes from a place of love, can undermine a kid's self-confidence and lead to overreliance on others and difficulties with self-responsibility. When a little kid is just figuring out to do some new task and a parent swoops in and does it for them, the little kid doesn't think, "Oh, my parents are anxious, and they think they're taking care of me by doing this. They are well-intentioned, but honestly they are just getting in my way." The little kid is more likely to think, "My parents don't think I'm capable, and they're right. I don't know what I'm doing. I can't do anything by myself. I'm not very good." If you can have some compassion for yourself around your feelings of inadequacy and also push yourself to learn and master new things that are out of your comfort zone, that might help some? I know it is really hard to challenge yourself this way when you're also dealing with depression. It is a tough situation, no easy way to feel better instantly, but it is great you recognize the problems and are reflecting on what you can do differently. Maybe some writing down and repeating some affirmations about your own capability would help? When you feel helpless or resistant to making a change you know deep down is needed, would it help to think about how awesome you'll feel to challenge your false and hurtful perception of yourself as not powerful and capable? PS. This is all based on my own experience and I will not take offense if the personal power/competency stuff does not resonate for you. I wonder if this "overprotectiveness" in childhood also manifests itself in the impulse to "fix" other people. Just as your parents tried to "fix" your problems without your consent, you take responsibility for other peoples problems and try to "fix" them as well. EDIT: I'm curious wahlookie if you search your feelings, how do you feel about your parents? Do you like them, love them, resent them? Personally, I resent my parents for feeling like they always want to control or judge me, or that I'm not good enough, or that I always need to say or do "the right thing" to make them happy. |
|
