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Post by xyphosuran on Apr 8, 2017 20:32:25 GMT
I'm anxious attachment but I definitely get more secure with a secure person, whether that's a new dating relationship or secure friendships. It's been a 1 1/2 since I got out of a 3 year relationship with an avoidant who I very much loved but it was so painful and unhealthy. I finally feel ready to date and because I feel shy I decided to sign up for a popular online dating site. I went on my first date with a man last week and I couldn't figure out if he was avoidant or not. However he joked in ways that I laughed at at the moment but have stuck with me and bothered me all week. He said I was "spindly", I had to look that word up and it means thin, gangly, weak, slender. I am tall and thin with gangly long arms and not a lot of muscle which I was actually very nervous about before the date because I know men like toned women, it's like it's not enough for me to be thin I have to also lift weights which I've put off. My question is how can I date without obsessing anxiously both before and after the date? I put off dating because I finally got to the point eheee I wasn't anxious about any man, while I'm lonely I am also just living my life and enjoying a new career. I can't ever date an avoidant again. I can't go through that. I would sincerely rather be single forever and lonely alone rather than lonely in a relationship. I don't know how to date casually where I just show up and then if there's no spark I don't think about it anymore. Instead it's like I think about why we weren't a match or things they said.! I want a secure partner so badly so I don't want to give up on trying. But I get stuck after a couple dates with an avoidant at least in the past it's like I get attached and forget it's not me it's them and dating them doesn't feel right. Can any of you help me figure out how to date and avoid the dismissive while staying in my own life mentally? Thank you for all your sharing, finding this site last week has been such an eye opener.
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Post by SFP on Apr 8, 2017 21:45:03 GMT
Hey there,
I think you should really take some more time off from relationships and dating and take more time to reflect, heal, learn and grow from what you experienced.
Not only that but as long as anxiety is the leading thread in your romantic life you will not find love with an emotionally secure person.
Take at least a year off from dating and work on a fulfilling life outside of dating, relationships and infatuation. Work actively on your self-esteem issues before you start dating again, a relationship with a secure won't heal your trauma, raise your self-esteem (from the inside) and meet all your unfulfilled needs like you think it will. And you won't form a relationship with a secure until you've healed your trauma, raised your self-esteem and met all your unfulfilled needs outside of a romantic relationship on your own.
Don't focus on avoiding the dismissive, focus on healing the anxious, as this is the work you need to do to be ready for secure love.
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Post by xyphosuran on Apr 9, 2017 6:47:54 GMT
I have taken a year and a half off and I've even been to a counselor and I'm looking for a new one. I'm going to push back a little as my usual anxious response is to agree with whatever people say in forums in their effort to help me which clearly you are trying to do  time alone makes me act very avoidant. I avoided relationships all throughout college and for a lot of my 20s. I become very avoidant of closeness and tend not to learn or practice how to relate to another person in an intimate relationship. I feel and have read that that whole belief that you have to live yourself before someone can love you is a myth, like Stan Tatkin, an author says, that would mean baby's can't be loved. And I do love myself but the point is I'm an anxious person period and while I can do more to lower my anxiety both overall and when it comes to relationships time alone away for dating will not just magically make my anxious attachment go away. There has to be a way to still date while trying to grow. |
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Post by SFP on Apr 9, 2017 10:10:42 GMT
I'm going to push back a little as my usual anxious response is to agree with whatever people say in forums in their effort to help me which clearly you are trying to do Good! Stay close to your own feelings and don't be afraid to speak up about how you feel and think, very courageous. Indeed, time away from relationships doesn't magically heal your attachment style, it takes conscious effort to do so. At this point in time you have one major advantage of being single compared to pre-relationship with an avoidant, you are now more aware of your emotions and patterns and can actively work on them, If you don't put in active work it will not change. That being said I think you might be very thirsty for 'love' because of the emotional support it brings, and your emotions possibly see it as a way through which you can soothe your anxiety, but you shouldn't cling to 'love' as a way of soothing your anxiety, you should be learning to soothe your anxiety by yourself and on your own. Until you can you will once again enter a disbalanced relationship, and you will once again be terrified of losing the object of your love because you are 'not good' on your own, fear of abandonment. Become complete and good on your own first before you start to consider dating again if you want a secure relationship. Instead of dating and analysing others, you could use that time to educate yourself on (your) anxiety, see how it influences your life and in what ways you can soothe your own anxiety, and in that way get more control over your life. Next to that you could actively work on improving your self-esteem and your autonomy (like you did by speaking up earlier!), when you do so you will see your anxiety drop tremendously, as a lack of autonomy is very related to feelings of anxiety. You are not an anxious person period, I think you just haven't been able to put in the effort you need to to grow to the point where you need to be, safe and secure on your own. Personally I don't agree with the author, because I'm truly convinced that we need to 'love ourselves' (respect ourselves, feel worthy of love and be good on our own) to be able to experience love like it is supposed to feel and be in a balanced relationship, instead of using love and infatuation as an antidote against anxiety and as a source of emotional support. Next to that we as people have an innate urge to care for young vulnerable creatures, like babies and puppies (I'm sure you have felt that urge yourself). And lastly babies are vulnerable and do not have any control over the relationship they are in, they are not by definition in a balanced and secure relationship and therefore don't all experience secure love instead of dysfunctional love, the reason why they have a hard time attaching later in life. My advice is focus on raising your self-esteem and becoming more autonomous through CBT exercises and by continuing speaking up like you feel and think like you did earlier on this thread, this together with deepening your non-romantic relationships will likely tremendously reduce your anxiety, next to that research into adaptive ways to deal and reduce anxiety on your own, and implement it, start meditation and practice mindfulness. You won't be able to find and experience secure love until your emotions no longer see love and infatuation as a tool to manage your internal anxiety and drown your void. |
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Post by Antony67 on Apr 11, 2017 12:04:19 GMT
I have discovered that a lot of the dating advice available online is offered by anxious women and avoidant men. When it comes to dating, no matter it is online or offline, listen to nobody but your heart. Pesonally, I met my wife online ( www.cupid.com/ ). Believe me, if I had followed all the advice given to me, we'd never have been together. Just be honest, folks! Good luck! |
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Post by xyphosuran on Apr 16, 2017 21:26:56 GMT
I agree Antony. A lot of advice focused on games as a device to maintain the distance either party wants, those two groups having completely opposite closeness goals. And not to be rude to the poster above but it made me not want to post anymore. It also didn't answer my original question. I also have read a lot about how self esteem is just like this somewhat made up concept. I actually think I can ignore the whole self esteem movement and vecome a loving partner.
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time alone makes me act very avoidant. I avoided relationships all throughout college and for a lot of my 20s. I become very avoidant of closeness and tend not to learn or practice how to relate to another person in an intimate relationship. I feel and have read that that whole belief that you have to live yourself before someone can love you is a myth, like Stan Tatkin, an author says, that would mean baby's can't be loved. And I do love myself but the point is I'm an anxious person period and while I can do more to lower my anxiety both overall and when it comes to relationships time alone away for dating will not just magically make my anxious attachment go away. There has to be a way to still date while trying to grow.