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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2018 15:33:56 GMT
So, I was in this crazy relationship with my ex FA. Like I read in so many threads everything was great at the beginning: lots of intimacy, he was acting really caring and interested but not too much (otherwise I would feel overwhelmed). For the first time in my life I didn't have doubts about the man I was dating (I'm pretty sure I'm FA myself also). He kept saying he was not in love, I thought it was too soon anyway and his actions reassured me that we were looking for the same kind of relationship. What we had made me happy and if nothing changed it would be ok for me, I mean, I was not looking for go forward as I don't want to have children, a family and I'm not sure I want to move in with someone on day. Buuuuuut, when he started to push away (it began with sexual withdraw), he started to rationalize all his romantic and caring behavior saying he did what he did not because he wanted to do so, but because he thought it was what I would like he did for me. This just doesn't make any sense to me! Even if it was true, when we do sometimes something that put us out of our way to please someone it's because we like/love this person, right? But as it was how he was ALWAYS acting... I doubt we can do that all the time if it's not what we want to do. He was the one pushing us to spend many time together, when we saw each other twice a week (it happened sometimes) it was him who initiated the plans, he said many times he was happy with me and it was visible on his eyes, smile... And now he says that he cannot see anyone once a week cause it's a lot (and I didn't asked for that, never did any protest behavior when he was not available if I asked to see him). I gave up on this relationship and he doesn't want to see me again anyway, I was just asking myself if it was common, if it's an avoidant (FA/DA) thing to rationalize their behavior to not get in touch with their own needs of affection and intimacy and projecting this on their partner and them feeling overwhelmed. I'm not sure I've ever done this myself. And....my FA ex boyfriend ONLY want to be physical with me and I’ve been physically intimate with him in an attempt to meet him where he is emotionally and hopefully bring us back together...but to no avail. He’s still shut down and withdrawn with walls fully activated. He only feels safe and able to meet his needs and mine in this way but I want more. I’m thinking time to withdraw and go silent so he can live with his choice. I feel like I’m now enabling him and possibly weaning him off me instead of bringing us back. Thoughts? this does not sound like the selfless love you pontificate about on the other threads. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2018 15:37:59 GMT
Mine started to withdraw physically but at the end he was withdrawing emotionally as well. Well, it was full of mixed messages, really crazy making. If you are not happy with the situation it's maybe better to try to move on. I regret not being able to do so when he started the pushing away but I didn't know about attachment styles at this time and I was really triggered by him. I still am. We are not seeing each other since many weeks and it's still ups and downs. But I think that with the distance it's easier to calm down, since the other is not there triggering us. Even if I'm sad that we are no longer in touch I think it's better to not wear out our relationship at this point, if he decides to give it another try some day in the futur. Hey there, yes I agree as a recovering anxious, he definitely triggers me with his pulling away and I also wish I would’ve had the strength to let go when he started to pull away and then broke up with me. I probably would be more attractive to him too if I just let go then rather continued to see him on his terms and occasionally show some protest behavior. It’s very difficult and frustrating for me to go from his girlfriend to a casual side that he sees twice a month. I feel the same way you do now. I haven’t reached out since last week- which is long for me. I feel the best place for me to heal and without being triggered is away from him. I also agree, if we are to ever have another chance in the future, I don’t want to wear us out, and display unhappy, frustrated behavior... and I don’t want to be set back in all the progress I’ve made. I have the impulse to reach out, but overall, I’m happier away from him. The warm/cold treatment is too hurtful to me. I wish you the very best in your journey 💗 this doesn't sound like selfless love either. people respond negatively to my blunt approach and i get it but it is super grating to read about the self glorification of selfless AP "love". |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 14, 2018 15:49:00 GMT
And....my FA ex boyfriend ONLY want to be physical with me and I’ve been physically intimate with him in an attempt to meet him where he is emotionally and hopefully bring us back together...but to no avail. He’s still shut down and withdrawn with walls fully activated. He only feels safe and able to meet his needs and mine in this way but I want more. I’m thinking time to withdraw and go silent so he can live with his choice. I feel like I’m now enabling him and possibly weaning him off me instead of bringing us back. Thoughts? this does not sound like the selfless love you pontificate about on the other threads. juniper- you don’t think so? I disagree. I don’t want to enable him on a bad road- so if pulling back and going silent helps, tough love, I’d consider it. My dilemma is I don’t know if that would make a difference to someone who’s depressed and avoidant. Bottom line- I’m willing to do anything that is best for him- considering all angles. Yes, I’d say that’s pretty selfless. No one has ever stuck by him in his past bc he is tough to love in most people’s eyes with his walls and defenses. You sound defensive about this. Is there a reason why? |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 14, 2018 15:53:56 GMT
Hey there, yes I agree as a recovering anxious, he definitely triggers me with his pulling away and I also wish I would’ve had the strength to let go when he started to pull away and then broke up with me. I probably would be more attractive to him too if I just let go then rather continued to see him on his terms and occasionally show some protest behavior. It’s very difficult and frustrating for me to go from his girlfriend to a casual side that he sees twice a month. I feel the same way you do now. I haven’t reached out since last week- which is long for me. I feel the best place for me to heal and without being triggered is away from him. I also agree, if we are to ever have another chance in the future, I don’t want to wear us out, and display unhappy, frustrated behavior... and I don’t want to be set back in all the progress I’ve made. I have the impulse to reach out, but overall, I’m happier away from him. The warm/cold treatment is too hurtful to me. I wish you the very best in your journey 💗 this doesn't sound like selfless love either. people respond negatively to my blunt approach and i get it but it is super grating to read about the self glorification of selfless AP "love". Juniper- I don’t mind blunt or direct communication. I much prefer. I just happen to think your comments are wrong and off base. I don’t agree I’m being selfish at all in my approach. I’ve put my needs aside for S and am willing to meet him where he is. I don’t need his rescuing. In fact, it’s only around him that I feel triggered. How is that being selfish or self-glorifying? Also- I should set you straight on your language usage. I was a previous AP turned secure, so your judgements of AP don’t apply to me. Told you I appreciate blunt. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2018 15:58:25 GMT
this doesn't sound like selfless love either. people respond negatively to my blunt approach and i get it but it is super grating to read about the self glorification of selfless AP "love". Juniper- I don’t mind blunt or direct communication. I much prefer. I just happen to think your comments are wrong and off base. I don’t agree I’m being selfish at all in my approach. I’ve put my needs aside for S and am willing to meet him where he is. I don’t need his rescuing. In fact, it’s only around him that I feel triggered. How is that being selfish or self-glorifying? Also- I should set you straight on your language usage. I was a previous AP turned secure, so your judgements of AP don’t apply to me. Told you I appreciate blunt. you repeatedly admit he is not in a place to meet your needs and then talk about your needs. you have called your love selfless and it's totally not selfless. you're jilted. it hurts to go from girlfriend to casual and that's fine to admit. but to call your love selfless is OTT, in my opinion. just an opinion. you ask for those. i think you're really in martyr and rescue mode. and that's ok, if it works for you guys. but i think you sound super self righteous and in your posts. blunt is ok both ways, for sure for sure! |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 14, 2018 16:11:18 GMT
Juniper- I don’t mind blunt or direct communication. I much prefer. I just happen to think your comments are wrong and off base. I don’t agree I’m being selfish at all in my approach. I’ve put my needs aside for S and am willing to meet him where he is. I don’t need his rescuing. In fact, it’s only around him that I feel triggered. How is that being selfish or self-glorifying? Also- I should set you straight on your language usage. I was a previous AP turned secure, so your judgements of AP don’t apply to me. Told you I appreciate blunt. you repeatedly admit he is not in a place to meet your needs and then talk about your needs. you have called your love selfless and it's totally not selfless. you're jilted. it hurts to go from girlfriend to casual and that's fine to admit. but to call your love selfless is OTT, in my opinion. just an opinion. you ask for those. i think you're really in martyr and rescue mode. and that's ok, if it works for you guys. but i think you sound super self righteous and in your posts. blunt is ok both ways, for sure for sure! Juniper- totally fine with you having your own opinion and fine with us disagreeing. Your opinion is based on the limited highlights I have provided here which places you at a disadvantage to make proper judgments. I have needs, but I have intentionally and willingly placed them on the back burner. You can call me a martyr if you want, however I don’t feel like one and the fact remains- I’m putting his needs before mine by being casual. His terms. Facts are facts. Sure, going from gf to casual is hurtful- also a fact but I’m not jilted. He’s always been honest and loyal to me so I don’t feel jilted but recognize he’s dealing with depression and mistrust. Those issues are his own. If my posts sound self-righteous maybe that’s bc the facts speak for themselves. I’m not looking for any pity or validation for the choices I’ve made with S. It’s what I choose and want to do- to walk away would feel wrong to me bc I know how I feel about him. For now, that’s enough. That, and a belief that everything will work out in the end. I’m good. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2018 16:21:11 GMT
you repeatedly admit he is not in a place to meet your needs and then talk about your needs. you have called your love selfless and it's totally not selfless. you're jilted. it hurts to go from girlfriend to casual and that's fine to admit. but to call your love selfless is OTT, in my opinion. just an opinion. you ask for those. i think you're really in martyr and rescue mode. and that's ok, if it works for you guys. but i think you sound super self righteous and in your posts. blunt is ok both ways, for sure for sure! Juniper- totally fine with you having your own opinion and fine with us disagreeing. Your opinion is based on the limited highlights I have provided here which places you at a disadvantage to make proper judgments. I have needs, but I have intentionally and willingly placed them on the back burner. You can call me a martyr if you want, however I don’t feel like one and the fact remains- I’m putting his needs before mine by being casual. His terms. Facts are facts. Sure, going from gf to casual is hurtful- also a fact but I’m not jilted. He’s always been honest and loyal to me so I don’t feel jilted but recognize he’s dealing with depression and mistrust. Those issues are his own. If my posts sound self-righteous maybe that’s bc the facts speak for themselves. I’m not looking for any pity or validation for the choices I’ve made with S. It’s what I choose and want to do- to walk away would feel wrong to me bc I know how I feel about him. For now, that’s enough. That, and a belief that everything will work out in the end. I’m good. sounds good , you asked for input and i gave it , that's fair. you have multiple -posted in various forums and shared the account of your relationship status on many threads and your posts seem so contradictory,. it's in every section i think, and that's ok... but you have kind of been all over the place with the repeat threads and also the "he hurt me so i am better off without him" and the "i love him selflessly" and "i'm here for him no matter what" and "i'm trying to get us back together but don't have an agenda i'm selfless" and "he's better off with me" and "i'm gonna let him do what he wants because i love him" and "i'm gonna let him live with his choices" kind of postings and i got distracted, frankly i got annoyed. we all get annoyed, it's ok. i sometimes forget about the block feature also. i hope your ex conquers his depression, that's heavy stuff to deal with; let alone trying to meet the needs of an ex. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 14, 2018 19:24:21 GMT
Juniper- totally fine with you having your own opinion and fine with us disagreeing. Your opinion is based on the limited highlights I have provided here which places you at a disadvantage to make proper judgments. I have needs, but I have intentionally and willingly placed them on the back burner. You can call me a martyr if you want, however I don’t feel like one and the fact remains- I’m putting his needs before mine by being casual. His terms. Facts are facts. Sure, going from gf to casual is hurtful- also a fact but I’m not jilted. He’s always been honest and loyal to me so I don’t feel jilted but recognize he’s dealing with depression and mistrust. Those issues are his own. If my posts sound self-righteous maybe that’s bc the facts speak for themselves. I’m not looking for any pity or validation for the choices I’ve made with S. It’s what I choose and want to do- to walk away would feel wrong to me bc I know how I feel about him. For now, that’s enough. That, and a belief that everything will work out in the end. I’m good. sounds good , you asked for input and i gave it , that's fair. you have multiple -posted in various forums and shared the account of your relationship status on many threads and your posts seem so contradictory,. it's in every section i think, and that's ok... but you have kind of been all over the place with the repeat threads and also the "he hurt me so i am better off without him" and the "i love him selflessly" and "i'm here for him no matter what" and "i'm trying to get us back together but don't have an agenda i'm selfless" and "he's better off with me" and "i'm gonna let him do what he wants because i love him" and "i'm gonna let him live with his choices" kind of postings and i got distracted, frankly i got annoyed. we all get annoyed, it's ok. i sometimes forget about the block feature also. i hope your ex conquers his depression, that's heavy stuff to deal with; let alone trying to meet the needs of an ex. Hey Juniper, that’s ok...I bet I’m equally distracted and even more annoyed by my current situation!! Lol All those quotes by me are true and represent my inner conflict. S told me a cycle of depression has never lasted this long before so I have no idea where he’s heading with it. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2018 19:39:01 GMT
sounds good , you asked for input and i gave it , that's fair. you have multiple -posted in various forums and shared the account of your relationship status on many threads and your posts seem so contradictory,. it's in every section i think, and that's ok... but you have kind of been all over the place with the repeat threads and also the "he hurt me so i am better off without him" and the "i love him selflessly" and "i'm here for him no matter what" and "i'm trying to get us back together but don't have an agenda i'm selfless" and "he's better off with me" and "i'm gonna let him do what he wants because i love him" and "i'm gonna let him live with his choices" kind of postings and i got distracted, frankly i got annoyed. we all get annoyed, it's ok. i sometimes forget about the block feature also. i hope your ex conquers his depression, that's heavy stuff to deal with; let alone trying to meet the needs of an ex. Hey Juniper, that’s ok...I bet I’m equally distracted and even more annoyed by my current situation!! Lol All those quotes by me are true and represent my inner conflict. S told me a cycle of depression has never lasted this long before so I have no idea where he’s heading with it. haha , now you're talking. i get that you're conflicted- it's apparent. it's the way that you posture as "selfless" with you love and support that really rubs me the wrong way. it's clear you want something from him. you want the relationship you had, back. that's understandable. but all the adjustments you make for him have that underlying agenda. you might be selfless- but not in the way that unconditional love is selfless and i think you insult the intelligence of other posters here when you disguise your hurt, conflict, and attempts to reconcile as altruistic selfless love. this man suffers. i'm sure you care deeply. but you suffer as well and have a vulnerability here that someone without an agenda doesn't have. so, i wanted to push back just on that. i've seen selfless love and it doesn't look like what you're doing here. conflicted love, fear, good intentions and fallibility all fit. but selfless love, pure altruism? i don't see that and the assertion of it was frankly just hard to swallow. i could have just hidden your posts from my sight but decided to comment instead. so; i wish you the best and also him. but probably can't co-sign your approach as it's stated on this board. i hope you find clarity and peace, and him as well. |
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