The Mirror

"The mirror" is a good metaphor. Personally, I am not very in tune with my feelings. The one avoidant guy who is pursuing me now is like a reflection of me, because he's also unemotional. But he's like a shadow reflection. The way he goes about getting his needs met is through control. Me: through servitude. So we fit like puzzle pieces in that way. He makes up for what I lack and vice versa. The solution is for either one of us to change, which would prompt the other into changing by themselves because the dynamic won't allow it otherwise. That's only if they truly wish to be part of the relationship... if they fall to the wayside, it means there was little there to salvage anyway.

In other words: we both need to be more open and honest about our feelings. But the way to go about it is different. I need to be more selfish and he needs to be more compassionate.

I'm not very available myself. I think I seek others who aren't available because when, in my mind, I get them to change and open up to me, I have succeeded in being worthy of love. It's so messed up.

But this time, it's different. I have truly looked inwards and I know exactly what my problems are. So I have not given in to his advances and control tactics. From day 1 I knew something was wrong with the both of us. So I have worked on myself, every time he tries to get close in a "fake intimacy" kind of way, or "whirlwind romance" manner, I reject it. I've gotten to the point where the pace is now pretty slow: the way we both like it. I'm selfish ENOUGH now for that stuff to not work on me. And he knows it.

The ultimate test: I want to see just how far it can go when I reach a good balance of selfishness and empathy... when my boundaries are good but flexible at the appropriate times. When I'm more secure than insecure in my attachment style. Will he still stick around? If not, SEE YA! I don't need that in my life.

alexandra Yes, omg, it's because they want attention and affection, and instead of being direct with it or going about getting it in a normal way (like initiating it, open to being told 'no' and taking the disappointment in stride) they have to be all manipulative and extra-gesture-like because they fear rejection and that's the only way they could be all "okay, I'm not really hurt" if indeed they are "rejected." Mine has a problem when I say no to something, he takes it personally and as a reflection of his supposed worthlessness and it's not even true but that's his issue to deal with, I'm tired of giving him leeway.

I guess you could say it is both pulling and pushing. They pull you towards them because they want more, but they do it in a pushy way so they don't have to feel the pain.

It makes so much sense...

I have an example of this weird simultaneous push/pull thing. When he wants me to be physically affectionate with him, he sort of gets in my way, blocking my path, just to see how I'll react. What he wants: for me to start playfully hitting him so we can flirt. What I do: just get out of his way or stand there until HE moves.

happyidiot yes, push/pull is a cycle. I'm talking about certain actions from the avoidant that are also push/pull but not in a cyclic manner, but rather the way they try to get close is ironically repelling (to me).

It's not cute though, the guy is a coworker, not my partner. And he crosses a lot of boundaries in an attempt to get close, like brushing against me and getting in my personal space just because he wants to get physical. We've barely had a real conversation because a lot of what he does is part of a facade. He doesn't know better, actually I think he knows better but it's very hard for him... I see him trying little by little now, and I give him time.

IDK my attachment type, equal parts anxious/DA/FA, but another test shows I'm equal DA/FA. Still recovering so it shifts a lot.

As far as what I can work on: actually being direct and voicing my feelings, instead of avoiding and hoping other people can read my mind.

@mary I think it's harassment as well. But I know he has seen me be playful with other people when they were in my way, and soon after is when he tried to do it. So it can very well be related to him being avoidant rather than building something normally and letting it happen organically. So in short: it's both bad behavior and him being indirect because of his issues, IMO.

---

Edit: just realized I'm dealing with a narcissist. I'm quite sure at this point. After thinking it over (and over and over), things just don't add up.

The theory is that all narcissists are avoidant, but not all avoidants are narcissists, and that narcissism is really at the more extreme end of the "avoidant" spectrum.... this seems to make a lot of sense at this point. There is a lot of manipulation I sense from him, and it doesn't fit the picture if I only saw him as strictly avoidant.

He hasn't been able to fully capture me, and he keeps trying using different tactics. I must not give in until I leave for a different job. This person is sick. I tried so much to see the good in him but it's all an act on his part and I cannot ignore the bad. What he does is very covert because we don't really have a relationship of sorts, I imagine it would be so much worse if we were to date. My gut is screaming to get away from him. But... I am not scared. He doesn't trigger me like he used to. It means I've done much of the inner work required to break the cycle.

Just a quick note from my last therapy session: my therapist said to be cautious using others as a mirror, because sometimes you're looking into a "funhouse mirror" depending on who THEY are and what THEY bring to the party. It's a good place to start looking inward, but you can do it with a clear eye for your own issues in a kind, healing, and self-caring way.