Question for my FA friends...

kristyrose

How do you know he has not been seeing anyone else at all? For example, has he stated (with no pressure from you) that he has not, or is it an assumption, based on usually knowing what he's up to and the fact that you talk daily, that it's unlikely he'd have time to fit in any dates you're not aware of?

Second, do you know if he uses any internet dating apps or sites?

Are you proposing he agree to tell you if he even wants to go on a date (like say he hits it off with someone on an app and wants to meet her in person, or meets someone organically in person he'd like to ask out), before he actually goes on it? Or are you proposing that if he meets someone and decides he'd like something ongoing with them that he inform you?

Someone who thinks that the word "dating" is a huge deal and signifies too much commitment, and wants to behave in a way that most people would define as dating yet label it "friendship" is either much more avoidant than me or much younger than me, so if it's the former such a person might make a bigger deal out of your proposal than I would. I'll imagine if I were feeling at my most FA though, and say more about how I would feel if in his shoes, once I have a bit more info (the answers to the questions above and anything else you think is relevant).

To me, having a strong desire to not label something as dating, especially when it's been going on for a long time, looks like, since dating is traditionally defined as assessing someone's compatibility for a more serious relationship, the person may be implying they probably never want a serious relationship, that they never want things to progress. And/or they could also dislike the fact that the "-ing" implies something ongoing, and they want to feel so free that they can't use a word that feels like an agreement that it's going to continue on.

Basically it sounds like you are giving him an ultimatum, that if he meets someone else you will no longer have anything to do with him, no?

It seems to me you are seeking commitment from someone who doesn't want to commit. The word "friends" is just semantics. You are asking him to break up with you before seeking others. You can call it whatever you want. You are completely justified in asking for it, but you must see it for what it is. The story remains the same. You want to be committed and he does not. That's what I see.

I can relate to your BF, sounds like the dream scenario for FA. He gets to date you and have a relationship with you, but he has the psychological escape valve of "we are just friends" so be doesn't feel trapped or engulfed. This psychological escape valve might actually help him to get closer to you, since he always feels he has an escape if he needs it.

(I also could not focus on more than one person romantically, had no interest in cheating)

Curious, how old are you?

kristyrose I understand how you feel. From experience I think he may feel a bit trapped since it is like having a relationship minus the name. If you already know he is secretly committed and he doesn't like seeing someone else at the same time, why bring it up? You already know this means he may be waiting for someone better or just not having obligations to your feelings or you.

On the other hand, if this is what you want, I think it's OK setting certain rules that make YOUR boundaries clear, like 'Please let me know when you meet someone you want to date because I wouldn't feel comfortable in that situation' but don't mention what he can or can't do with his dating life. Just what YOU wouldn't be able to handle as an individual playing this game and try being chill about it.

The problem here is...this, what you have now, is probably all you're gonna get. No more stages to go through as it would happen in a 'normal' relationship. If you're happy with that then go on until it lasts. Just know that the 'we're just friends' clause gives him a free pass to leave whenever he feels like it.

Maybe it's not the best advice but it worked for a while for me. Just a while.

Why exactly do you want to know how FAs might feel? Is it going to alter your decision to have this boundary? Is it a firm boundary, or only if there are high chances it will have the hoped-for effect?

If it's a firm boundary, are you just wanting help deciding the best way to approach talking to him about it? Can you start with gathering more info from him in order to make an informed decision? Like check in on his thoughts about what he said earlier this year, about wanting to be open to date other people? It doesn't sound like you've talked about it very recently. Can you bring up how neither of you said you want to date more than one person at a time or have sex with other people while you are having sex with each other and ask if that still stands? Depending on what he says, can you ask if you can both agree to tell the other if you even want to start dating, before actually meeting someone else? And if he can't agree, you can decide if you want to cut off contact with him.

All insecure attachers need to learn how to communicate more directly and ask the other person things. If you're like me, maybe you are too afraid to ask him questions and are instead trying to anticipate his feelings, wants, and needs, mistakenly thinking you can figure them out by thinking a ton, analyzing little things he has said or not said and asking other people.

Asking him will get you more information, and if I were him, to me it would feel less scary and trapping than having someone just blindside me by saying if I want to date other people they will not see or talk to me anymore.

An FA might feel safest having one foot out the door, an escape clause, or, I hate to say it, they might even be subconsciously keeping you around until they meet a new person they can idealize as having the potential to be "the one," that mythical person who they feel perfect and happy with who magically makes them not FA. They might not think of it this way, but just think you must not be the one since they don't want to commit to you, or even worry that what you are doing will end and so think, "I'm going to keep my options open by seeing who is on this dating app, or not being closed off if I happen meet someone in person."

I have been on both sides of this, sadly. Not in a situation like yours where we were seeing each other for so long, mind you.

I would caution against assuming someone is not dating others because you think they have no time. I have learned that lesson the hard way more than once, and I have seen things like my FA sister telling men she was working longer hours than she was in order to hide the fact that she was dating someone else, and rationalizing hiding it to me/herself.

If it's unlikely that he uses dating apps as his primary way of meeting potential dates, then how could he really tell you before meeting another person? The only option would be that he happens to meet someone he wants to go on a date with and then tells you (or simply ends things with you then), unless of course he is willing to commit to not being open to meeting anyone else, which sounds unlikely.


In my experience, an FA person wanting to end things because they want to date someone else is more likely to say what they think is going to be less hurtful to you and make themselves look better. And they may not even think to themselves that it's because they want to date someone else, they may think they want to date someone else because they aren't that into you, or due to some real or imagined problems. So they might say they want to end things for XYZ reasons, and not straight up say that they want to go on a date with a new person. Maybe they were thinking of ending it for a while and setting up a date with a new person is just a way to force themselves to end it with you. Maybe they were talking to the new person for a while without you knowing and finally decided they are going to go on a date. The FA may not have had a thought-out plan to start dating other people. It's not that black and white.

I have been on the one side of this situation too many times, which is why I am so negative about it. The one difference though is that I never got upset if they had a dating app or were looking around. I didn't want the commitment, so I didn't care what they did. The situations spanned years as this one has, but they were different since we were never previously a couple. We would "hang out" until I could see they were restless and possibly wanted more and then I would drift away. Most of the time I never really knew what they thought until this one guy contacted me about a year after I drifted. He screamed at me that I knew he wanted something serious and I wasted his time, etc. Honestly, I had no idea he thought that at the time.

As I write this now, it seems like I knew what was going on and purposely led people on. It's only now, looking back that I have come to some conclusions about what I did. I almost fell into this same situation with my recent ex, but instead I have cut contact. I have no idea if it's what is best, but I hope it will help him move on.

Every relationship is different and perhaps kristyrose, you two will work it out and end up together. I can only talk about what has happened in my life. I was selfish in so many ways and never saw it.

I'm a FA and honestly I sympathize with you, that does sound like a very difficult situation. 

I think if this situation is hurting you, you should pull away to heal and move on. I don't think you're being unreasonable to want a committed partner, but that doesn't seem to be what he is. To me it sounds more like an issue of incompatibility (which is painful when you've put effort into it). 

A few more guesses: he could be afraid of confrontation, afraid of commitment to an answer (even saying no to a relationship), but overall it just sounds like he doesn't want what you want. 

I've worked on becoming more blunt over the years, but a long time ago, if I didn't want connection anymore, I'd be too scared of confrontation to just say 'no/let's move on', and would instead answer in 'let's take a break' or lesser things like that (especially if we had mutual friends). It was in hopes the other person would just move on, and we wouldn't have to have a big fight in the process. I do regret doing that now, but in that sense, I kinda wonder if not making your relationship serious is his version of that.

Of course I am not you or him and don't know exactly the answer or what's going on, but just based on what you wrote, that's what popped in my head. I do hope things get better for you.