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Post by happyidiot on Sept 29, 2018 9:32:42 GMT
I’m in the same situation with my FA ex and wondering how to proceed as I feel “stuck.” Since our break 9 months ago we have been seeing each other, but he’s only willing to be physical with me and still remains shut down. He doesn’t see anyone else, only me, but it’s still hurtful that he doesn’t want to date me or proceed with reconciliation. He’s only comfortable in noncommittal sex. It’s very hard for me to go from being a girlfriend he loved and wanted to marry to friends w benefits. I’ve been doing this in hopes of building trust and bringing us closer but so far we are still in limbo. I’ve moved greatly from AP to secure so our drama is non-existent bc this push/pull dynamic. I’m torn between letting go and letting him feel his choice or being patient and building trust...will a FA be prone to come back if I walk or would rather feel relieved? Sontough to deal w these walls....but my heart is still open to him. Any advice/thoughts? A classic question. Maybe both? I might feel relieved at first, then miss having the person around (but what I would do about that might be nothing). You could try to do what is best for you without an agenda, as opposed to doing it as a tactic in the hopes he will start chasing. No way to predict what he'll do. Being stuck is no good. I'm sorry. |
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Post by kristyrose on Sept 30, 2018 17:44:16 GMT
I can relate to your BF, sounds like the dream scenario for FA. He gets to date you and have a relationship with you, but he has the psychological escape valve of "we are just friends" so be doesn't feel trapped or engulfed. This psychological escape valve might actually help him to get closer to you, since he always feels he has an escape if he needs it. (I also could not focus on more than one person romantically, had no interest in cheating) Curious, how old are you? Hi, I'm 39 and he is 47. Since the breakup he has told me more than he did before and seems more relaxed since we are no longer together. |
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Post by kristyrose on Sept 30, 2018 17:46:31 GMT
kristyrose , In a way you are both getting the same thing. You both have the opportunity to see other people if you want. The difference is you don't want it. You are hoping he will change his mind and want what you want. When it comes down to it, even if there is a commitment, either can leave the relationship whenever they want. That's just reality. Is there any guarantee or security either way? You are looking for reassurance. If that's what you want, it's my opinion to look elsewhere. If you are looking to enjoy pieces of someone for as long as it lasts, then he is perfect for you. I don't think it's too much to ask of him, but it seems to me he keeps telling you he doesn't want to give it. Wasn't he committed to you in the past? You were a couple in the past I believe so he is capable? Hi Mary, He was reluctantly committed in the past. It took him a yr to call us boyfriend and girlfriend and he struggled with taking our relationship out of the casual zone but he never wanted to be with others, just wanted total control and while he brought me into his life, felt scared to be in mine with my friends family. It was a struggle from day one ,so I suspect when we broke up with me there was massive relief there. |
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Post by kristyrose on Sept 30, 2018 17:58:37 GMT
happyidiot, I appreciate the questions you have have posed and all of what the others have said as well. I've been thinking on it and I need to focus more on acceptance of him and the situation more than anything. I see it makes no sense to pose any kind of ultimatum to someone who doesn't even see us as anything more than what he calls "regular friends"- It doesn't matter that we act like way more, it is his mindset and unwillingness to explore his own self and issues coupled with my willingness to go along with it all that holds us both back I need to try and accept what this is and hopefully this will lead my way out of it. He knows I love him still and want him back in my life in a more concrete way, he is choosing to keep me on the hook for his own reasons that I will NEVER actually know, because he doesn't know. He is so obviously confused and out of touch with his own feelings and he is completely unwilling to explore what is going on with himself. I on the other hand, have spent hours and years in therapy and I still have a ways to go, it is unfair of me to expect him to be any different just because I want him to be. He is only committed to the idea that we will never be together again. This is the only consistent thing he has stated even if his actions seem different at times. Thanks everyone, Just needed a sounding board and I appreciate all of your thoughts.
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