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Post by Deleted on Sept 26, 2018 17:46:50 GMT
I’ve recently come to understand my anxious attachment and have struggled with it. I don’t like the way I behave when the people I am attached to start to pull away- the fear it brings up in me and the resulting scramble to hold on. I don’t like the overall sense of dispair I feel when they have left often in a severe, rapid and seemingly final way. The way I internalize that or the way I then go into patterns of blame, denial, hurtful words, manipulations and repression to try to regain ground with them or my own ego or to just cope with the hurt. Those things- the reactions and negative thought processes- those things I can’t tolerate. They ultimately hurt both me and them.. And those behaviors I can change if I just choose to see them and work to find new habits, responses and perspectives. I know it won’t happen over night and that I’ll still slip up but I believe it’s possible and I find a lot of relief in that. But my attachment- the way I love someone and hold them dear Even years after they are gone- I don’t think I can change that. Isn’t it just part of who I am? So I am working on just accepting all the feelings of loss and sadness that go with that when it doesn’t work out- without engaging all those defense mechanisms that have helped me through in the past. I’m trying to see all the positives- that these people gave me great moments in my life and that idea of its better to have loved and lost. And I do see that. by really accepting the loss of these people and the reality of what happened I am finding a new view on living but....It’s really hard to sit with the pain and not try to find a way out of it. Anyway- just some thoughts I’m working through. Thanks for the space to put it out there. Wow for an Anxious attachment you are doing dam well. I didn't get any where close to where you are now in your understanding and accepting in over two months from my break up, actually I'm still not there yet but working on things. Good for you, you actually come across a leaning more towards secure going by what you have said so take comfort it that. I am back with my ex FA and working towards being more secure for me firstly, and hopefully for us in the long run but it's very early days so one day at a time for now. You will get a lot of insight and honest support from the lovely people who understand where your coming from on the is forum. Welcome and sending you a big hug, I hope you are ok X |
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Post by happyidiot on Sept 26, 2018 22:55:24 GMT
lilos This is so great, and it's wonderful you can do it while within a good relationship, rather than in the aftermath of a relationship's destruction like so many of us here. You're ok the right track. I can really relate to what you said in your post.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2018 8:42:51 GMT
Well helsbells- my last relationship with a DA ended 17 years ago (been with my secure husband pretty much ever since) so don’t be too impressed! My discovery of attachment theory came after that DA and I started emailing (platonically- no funny business here) and it brought up all the old events and replaying of dynamics that threw me into re-evaluating not just that relationship but all of them and most importantly- myself. Holding myself responsible for the roles I’ve played (and still do), how it contributed to the outcomes and how while much more subtle it still affects me. I never addressed the core insecurities about myself that were played out in those relationships. I instead did anything to avoid the pain and in turn never learned the lessons that the pain was there to teach me! I’m trying to now. It’s only been a few months for me too on this journey of acceptance of myself and my feelings as well as the situations in my life. It’s been really eye opening and inspiring but also very difficult and I appreciate the kind words you offered. I am ok- just deep in all the feelings of a life lived! Bless you, I totally get what your saying about the parts we have played and disfunctions we have bought into relationships because of our not known at the time attachment wounds. I came to this forum desperately trying to find out what the hell I had just gone through during a 6mths relationship with an FA bf. I was hurt and wanting to blame wanted to know what to do. What I ended up learning thru the wise and honest people who have supported my journey was to stop looking at HIM and start looking at ME. WOW it was I real eye opener and I could see how my own attachment had played out in all my relationships and it wasn't very pleasant I can tell you that. You have great insight and I feel you know what you need to do. Wishing you well on your journey, and thank you, I got a lot from your share and this is how it works, this is how we all start to get better ❤️ |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 27, 2018 9:24:44 GMT
Well helsbells- my last relationship with a DA ended 17 years ago (been with my secure husband pretty much ever since) so don’t be too impressed! My discovery of attachment theory came after that DA and I started emailing (platonically- no funny business here) and it brought up all the old events and replaying of dynamics that threw me into re-evaluating not just that relationship but all of them and most importantly- myself. Holding myself responsible for the roles I’ve played (and still do), how it contributed to the outcomes and how while much more subtle it still affects me. I never addressed the core insecurities about myself that were played out in those relationships. I instead did anything to avoid the pain and in turn never learned the lessons that the pain was there to teach me! I’m trying to now. It’s only been a few months for me too on this journey of acceptance of myself and my feelings as well as the situations in my life. It’s been really eye opening and inspiring but also very difficult and I appreciate the kind words you offered. I am ok- just deep in all the feelings of a life lived! Re reading your thread again, You have a secure base in your husband who by what I know of secures will be so on board and love and support you on your journey. I have witnessed this with my two sisters both have loving supportive secure husband's who have never given up on them thru all there anxious moments, one sister has bi polar and an eating disorder and her husband is just an amazing loving man who soothes her thru her darkest days, an is her rock who she adores. It's progress not perfection that we are all after, and we'll done you for owning and facing up to your parts that keep you stuck in familiar unhealthy Patten's. Best wishes. |
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Sept 28, 2018 3:50:44 GMT
Well helsbells- my last relationship with a DA ended 17 years ago (been with my secure husband pretty much ever since) so don’t be too impressed! My discovery of attachment theory came after that DA and I started emailing (platonically- no funny business here) and it brought up all the old events and replaying of dynamics that threw me into re-evaluating not just that relationship but all of them and most importantly- myself. Holding myself responsible for the roles I’ve played (and still do), how it contributed to the outcomes and how while much more subtle it still affects me. I never addressed the core insecurities about myself that were played out in those relationships. I instead did anything to avoid the pain and in turn never learned the lessons that the pain was there to teach me! I’m trying to now. It’s only been a few months for me too on this journey of acceptance of myself and my feelings as well as the situations in my life. It’s been really eye opening and inspiring but also very difficult and I appreciate the kind words you offered. I am ok- just deep in all the feelings of a life lived! Bless you, I totally get what your saying about the parts we have played and disfunctions we have bought into relationships because of our not known at the time attachment wounds. I came to this forum desperately trying to find out what the hell I had just gone through during a 6mths relationship with an FA bf. I was hurt and wanting to blame wanted to know what to do. What I ended up learning thru the wise and honest people who have supported my journey was to stop looking at HIM and start looking at ME. WOW it was I real eye opener and I could see how my own attachment had played out in all my relationships and it wasn't very pleasant I can tell you that. You have great insight and I feel you know what you need to do. Wishing you well on your journey, and thank you, I got a lot from your share and this is how it works, this is how we all start to get better ❤️ Thank you for saying you took something away from my post. This stuff is hard to put out there- I guess these are things I am used to hiding about myself so even in an anonymous sense it feels a little scary. I appreciate the support! |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 29, 2018 11:29:13 GMT
I’ve recently come to understand my anxious attachment and have struggled with it. I don’t like the way I behave when the people I am attached to start to pull away- the fear it brings up in me and the resulting scramble to hold on. I don’t like the overall sense of dispair I feel when they have left often in a severe, rapid and seemingly final way. The way I internalize that or the way I then go into patterns of blame, denial, hurtful words, manipulations and repression to try to regain ground with them or my own ego or to just cope with the hurt. Those things- the reactions and negative thought processes- those things I can’t tolerate. They ultimately hurt both me and them.. And those behaviors I can change if I just choose to see them and work to find new habits, responses and perspectives. I know it won’t happen over night and that I’ll still slip up but I believe it’s possible and I find a lot of relief in that. But my attachment- the way I love someone and hold them dear Even years after they are gone- I don’t think I can change that. Isn’t it just part of who I am? So I am working on just accepting all the feelings of loss and sadness that go with that when it doesn’t work out- without engaging all those defense mechanisms that have helped me through in the past. I’m trying to see all the positives- that these people gave me great moments in my life and that idea of its better to have loved and lost. And I do see that. by really accepting the loss of these people and the reality of what happened I am finding a new view on living but....It’s really hard to sit with the pain and not try to find a way out of it. Anyway- just some thoughts I’m working through. Thanks for the space to put it out there. I recognize so well the first paragraph....but I urge you to have compassion on yourself....you did not form this attachment style overnight..,it was learned over many inconsistent encounters with a caregiver (s). The general theme with APs is that we want someone else to love us unconditionally while we abhor ourselves. Instead of looking at what you dislike about your attachment style...see if you can find the beauty in who you are....the way you are able to love, the way you are able to care, the way you are able to be kind. Focus on one positive aspect of yourself for an entire month...see how you use it, see how it impacts you and others in a positive way. Sending cyber hugs.❤️❤️❤️ |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 29, 2018 22:00:10 GMT
I’ve recently come to understand my anxious attachment and have struggled with it. I don’t like the way I behave when the people I am attached to start to pull away- the fear it brings up in me and the resulting scramble to hold on. I don’t like the overall sense of dispair I feel when they have left often in a severe, rapid and seemingly final way. The way I internalize that or the way I then go into patterns of blame, denial, hurtful words, manipulations and repression to try to regain ground with them or my own ego or to just cope with the hurt. Those things- the reactions and negative thought processes- those things I can’t tolerate. They ultimately hurt both me and them.. And those behaviors I can change if I just choose to see them and work to find new habits, responses and perspectives. I know it won’t happen over night and that I’ll still slip up but I believe it’s possible and I find a lot of relief in that. But my attachment- the way I love someone and hold them dear Even years after they are gone- I don’t think I can change that. Isn’t it just part of who I am? So I am working on just accepting all the feelings of loss and sadness that go with that when it doesn’t work out- without engaging all those defense mechanisms that have helped me through in the past. I’m trying to see all the positives- that these people gave me great moments in my life and that idea of its better to have loved and lost. And I do see that. by really accepting the loss of these people and the reality of what happened I am finding a new view on living but....It’s really hard to sit with the pain and not try to find a way out of it. Anyway- just some thoughts I’m working through. Thanks for the space to put it out there. I recognize so well the first paragraph....but I urge you to have compassion on yourself....you did not form this attachment style overnight..,it was learned over many inconsistent encounters with a caregiver (s). The general theme with APs is that we want someone else to love us unconditionally while we abhor ourselves. Instead of looking at what you dislike about your attachment style...see if you can find the beauty in who you are....the way you are able to love, the way you are able to care, the way you are able to be kind. Focus on one positive aspect of yourself for an entire month...see how you use it, see how it impacts you and others in a positive way. Sending cyber hugs.❤️❤️❤️ I love this trn9 so much. I am going to try this for a month 😀 God I really appreciate the wisdom, love and support from the people this forum. Thanks everyone 😊 |
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