Post by frandom on Nov 19, 2015 14:20:12 GMT
Hi there - I'm looking for some advice on a situation I'm in at the moment with a close friend and hope someone can help.
Although she hasn't explicitly told me, I'm pretty certain my friend is avoidant. She struggles to make friends, mainly through fear of rejection, avoids difficult emotional situations or conflict (burying her head in the sand etc) and is pretty bad at maintaining contact with people. On a work level she's brilliant, you would call her a workaholic, but she doesn't have the same success socially. She's very shy and unconfident in herself and feels uncomfortable opening up. She believes she just isn't capable of getting close to people.
For my part I'm generally of the secure attachment type, I find it easy to make and maintain friendships and have a long term partner who I'm very happy with. However I do have a tendency towards being clingy and need lots of approval and reinforcement that I'm important to someone - I can get paranoid that they're not bothered about me. Generally this is only in the first stages of a relationship/friendship and once I'm secure then all is well. I recognise this as being in the anxious attachment category.
Can you see where this is going?
So I am extremely fond of my avoidant friend and feel great that we've got close, knowing how she struggles with intimacy. It has taken a LOT of effort getting close to her, now I understand more about attachment theory I understand why! I think it's down to my persistent nature and the fact that I'm very open. I guess really I have continued to chase her despite knock-backs (the walls she puts up) and she has gradually responded - as I understand it from knowing her and from reading the theory she craves the intimacy but doesn't have the confidence to go out there and get it herself. She has told me how much she values our friendship and having someone close she can open up to.
However, these opposing attachment styles keep causing problems. Essentially she isn't particularly communicative or forthcoming with affection or thanks, while I need it to feel secure. It doesn't help that she's extremely busy. I've made a good deal of progress with lowering my expectations but I've just hit a minor brick wall...
She recently disappointed me, and I told her, and it's ended up getting a bit out of proportion. She said she often feels pressurised by me into being something that she's not, and I think that the best thing for me to do is back off a little bit and give her some breathing space. The problem is that it feels so alien to me, in backing away, I feel like I'm ignoring her. AND knowing about her insecurities she probably feels like I'm rejecting her. But I can't talk to her about it any further because it overwhelms her and isn't particularly productive.
I just don't know how to handle the next steps. How do I back away a bit to give her space but maintain our close friendship? How can I learn to get a handle on my neediness and feel comfortable and confident in our relationship? This all feels overly dramatic for a friendship, but it's really niggling away at me and I want to find a way forward.
Sorry for the lengthy post and thank you for any advice!
Although she hasn't explicitly told me, I'm pretty certain my friend is avoidant. She struggles to make friends, mainly through fear of rejection, avoids difficult emotional situations or conflict (burying her head in the sand etc) and is pretty bad at maintaining contact with people. On a work level she's brilliant, you would call her a workaholic, but she doesn't have the same success socially. She's very shy and unconfident in herself and feels uncomfortable opening up. She believes she just isn't capable of getting close to people.
For my part I'm generally of the secure attachment type, I find it easy to make and maintain friendships and have a long term partner who I'm very happy with. However I do have a tendency towards being clingy and need lots of approval and reinforcement that I'm important to someone - I can get paranoid that they're not bothered about me. Generally this is only in the first stages of a relationship/friendship and once I'm secure then all is well. I recognise this as being in the anxious attachment category.
Can you see where this is going?
So I am extremely fond of my avoidant friend and feel great that we've got close, knowing how she struggles with intimacy. It has taken a LOT of effort getting close to her, now I understand more about attachment theory I understand why! I think it's down to my persistent nature and the fact that I'm very open. I guess really I have continued to chase her despite knock-backs (the walls she puts up) and she has gradually responded - as I understand it from knowing her and from reading the theory she craves the intimacy but doesn't have the confidence to go out there and get it herself. She has told me how much she values our friendship and having someone close she can open up to.
However, these opposing attachment styles keep causing problems. Essentially she isn't particularly communicative or forthcoming with affection or thanks, while I need it to feel secure. It doesn't help that she's extremely busy. I've made a good deal of progress with lowering my expectations but I've just hit a minor brick wall...
She recently disappointed me, and I told her, and it's ended up getting a bit out of proportion. She said she often feels pressurised by me into being something that she's not, and I think that the best thing for me to do is back off a little bit and give her some breathing space. The problem is that it feels so alien to me, in backing away, I feel like I'm ignoring her. AND knowing about her insecurities she probably feels like I'm rejecting her. But I can't talk to her about it any further because it overwhelms her and isn't particularly productive.
I just don't know how to handle the next steps. How do I back away a bit to give her space but maintain our close friendship? How can I learn to get a handle on my neediness and feel comfortable and confident in our relationship? This all feels overly dramatic for a friendship, but it's really niggling away at me and I want to find a way forward.
Sorry for the lengthy post and thank you for any advice!
