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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2018 19:05:58 GMT
Thank you, kristyrose! Hugs are needed lately due to some challenges, so I appreciate it  Sending you a big hug, hope you are ok lovely Xx |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 3, 2018 19:07:17 GMT
Amazing post alexandra. You explained the complexities of being AP in such a concise and perfect way. That is spot on of course and I think I needed to read this post as a reminder myself about how my ex does absolutely nothing to address his own issues and honestly he seems pretty content in not doing so. I haven't been speaking to him this week, its a long story but anyway point is, I thought of reaching out, can feel a physical urge in my stomach and throat to just send a text in response to his last one, but I realized, whats the point this time? He really hurt my feelings over the weekend and I'm still very angry and hurt. Why pursue him? Why not just keep the focus on myself? So, here I am doing that. Hope you are doing well today, sending a hug! Well done Kirsty Rose, sending you a great big hug Xx |
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Post by lilyg on Oct 4, 2018 9:10:35 GMT
alexandra made an amazing post. I just… think it's a mistake to give in to a no-relationship if that's not what you want, as I'd never advice someone to be in a relationship they don't want to be in. If you are capable of tackling your own anxious attachment, why he cannot do the same? I mean, I can understand respecting boundaries and times when someone takes more time to build trust, and I can undesrtand someone being a bit wary of returning to a relationship that didn't work out, but unless you both understand what can you do to work on yourselves and help the other into forming a secure relationship, nothing will change. And you've been doing that for 10 months. I think you can only inspire change in someone, but decisions have to come from within. Building trust between two adults is a two-way street. I think it's great that you're working on yourself, but I think that this trust you're refering to has to be built again while in a relationship. He's already been seeing you for 10 more months in a casual way, he has to take that leap of faith, I think. Maybe he does think you're not compatible (as @mary established) or he's just not ready to be in a relationship. That's pretty understandable and normal. I can understand what she's saying. I think it's important you establish that trust by talking very honestly with him, about what you want and expect from this relationship, and ask him the same. And truly listen him and honour his feelings. Be truthful to yourself and respect him as you'd like him to respect you. I think sometimes, for we to save realtionships we have to be willing to lose them.
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 4, 2018 9:31:54 GMT
Yes, I understand I’m taking a risk by seeing him casually but it’s all he’s willing to as this point as his fears and doubts outweigh his belief in us. I checked in with him in July about our relationship and it didn’t go well...at all. He shut down on me and told me he’s incapable of being in a relationship and didn’t mean to string me along. He said he can’t take drama- although this time I feel he created his own drama by reacting so strongly to my question. He told me he has a hard time trusting, he’s not normal and feels like there’s something wrong with him. Not an encouraging talk at all, but I also honestly told him how I felt and about a week later he responded to a text and we continued to see each other despite our obvious disparate view points. He must feel much more comfortable in this casual relationship since he doesn’t need to invest at all emotionally. It’s hard for me to be only casual with him, but I’m hoping in time I’ll build trust w him. I know I’m relying on blind faith here and there are no guarantees. I do feel strongly he won’t start to see someone else, as he’s so fearful that if he wanted to date anyone I believe it would be me. At our break he said it was me or no one for him and so far he has been true to his in choosing to be alone. He has trust issues but he’s always been honest and loyal. He always demonstrated integrity. The way I see what you have written above is that you are holding onto the fact that he will not see someone else as a bit of a justification to stay even with no progress. I see you doing a lot of considering of his feelings....i don't really hear that he is doing the same thing. Drama is part of any relationship...to expect no drama is to be looking for an ideal....the ideal one so to speak....that really is not fair to you. It gives him an out at any point to say that he can't progress things because of his perception of things versus a commitment to work things out. It is a frankly selfish perspective...the world must cater to me. Don't get me wrong....I really admire how much you care about him (I had a similiar casual relationship a couple of years ago) I just don't see his effort other then to remind you that he isn't ready for what you want. Is there anything that he is doing to cater to you at this point? |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 5, 2018 4:05:01 GMT
Thank you for your response- everything you said resonated with me. I think I could be happy with our dynamic as it was before our break- That may be the case, but that is not your current dynamic and hasn't been for almost a year. He's told you he can't handle it, and told you what he can handle. You have to look at what's happening right now, and if it's not enough for you, reflect on why you aren't willing to walk away? My newly regulated emotional self-control would go a long way in helping my ex feel more comfortable in a relationship. While it's always good to have been able to recognize when your AP was activated in the past and it triggered behaviors that were not the best for the relationship, and learn from that, working on your attachment style should also be about learning to be comfortable with yourself, your needs, your boundaries, communicating those things, and (for an AP) improving self-confidence. Not an exhaustive list, but it's just as much about your relationship with yourself as it is showing up as a good partner, if not much moreso. The idea is that once you're healing and in a healthier place with yourself then you'll have the capacity to show up as a better partner, too. A lot of your posts so far have been more about learning to regulate the outward direction of your emotions so that you are coming across as patient and "perfect" for him, and are not as focused on what you are doing for you. To answer your question, I suppose I brought up building trust in connection with boundaries bc I feel if I draw a hard line in the sand, for example, say no more sex or we need to start “dating” again before attempting to reconcile, then I feel I would break down trust between us and further isolate him. I'm not sure why telling him how you have been feeling lately and then keeping your words and actions aligned (ie holding the boundary) would break down trust and isolate him? It sounds more like you're saying if you don't walk on eggshells around what you think he wants, you're afraid he'll leave. What has he said he does want? Does he want to reconcile? I had a handful of emotional breakdowns in our relationships triggered by my anxiety. These meltdowns were too much “drama” for him and caused him to doubt me and break up with me. Recognizing my past behavior and his natural tendency to be distrustful has caused me to focus on rebuilding trust as a way to bring us back together. I believe a lack of trust and belief on his part reinforces his fears and hold him back from letting his guard down. He desires love and connection but feels depressed, afraid and incapable of giving and receiving intimacy and love. Yes, he definitely has his own work to do, I’m just trying my best to navigate these waters with him in the most productive way. 🙂 Again, it may be the case that you showed some AP behaviors that you may regret now and that pushed him away at the time. Have you explained that to him and the reason you've stopped having meltdowns is the self-work you've done (and maybe what he can do to de-escalate those behaviors if they ever happen again and you're not able to control them?). In spite of those behaviors contributing to the breakup, it is also natural AP behavior to blame yourself for everything, and to think, if I just show up in a perfect way, I can control this outcome and get the partner to come back to me in the way I want. I speak from experience because I did this to some extent with my FA ex. I did not talk to him for 8 months after we broke up the first time, even though he actively tried to be friends, because I needed space (and I used this space to prioritize myself and start my push into earned secure!). However, while still AP at the time, I had convinced myself the breakup was somehow all my fault because I was not perfect enough (even though I knew he had a lot of issues and I was a pretty darn good girlfriend). We reconnected and spent many months working towards getting back together after I called him out on saying we were just friends but acting like we were dating again. I was sure it would go better the second time because I had my AP behaviors basically under control and if I had fixed my half, surely my newfound patience and improved self esteem would be enough? It wasn't, because he repeated all his behaviors exactly the same, no matter how I behaved! He did notice my changes, praised how I became an even better partner than before (even though he said the first break up was never really my fault even though he'd blamed me at first, he admitted it was all his baggage), then got very emotional and shared that he doesn't know why he's only incredibly attracted to terrible partners... we still ended up getting back together a few months later, but he panicked very quickly and ran away (in classic FA fashion, not too far away, he wants to stay close friends). Our problems have always been insecure attachment-related, but all the patience in the world doesn't work when only half the equation has been addressed, and he's unwilling to deal with his issues at this time. If at least one partner is stuck in patterns, they have to be willing to examine and break the cycle.
I'm being so blunt because in everything I'm reading, you still seem to think you have no control over the situation and are more concerned with what he thinks and feels than giving yourself the same courtesy. You do have control over your half of the situation (though you cannot control his half), and you can choose to honor yourself and what you want and not baby him. Yes, he's got emotional issues, but he's not a child and needs to take responsibility for his side of things. He's choosing not to do that right now and is giving you crumbs. You're taking all the initiative so that he can be comfortable, but being comfortable doesn't usually lead to people changing anything because... why would they have to?
If there's any way for you to take a step back and look at what you're getting out of being the pursuer, it may be an interesting angle to consider. When AP develops, the inconsistency from the parent (or other adult attachment figure) is in such a way that it seems to have a pattern so the child begins to think that they can control when they are getting their needs met by showing the "perfect" behavior towards their caregiver. There is this combined internalized belief that the child does not see him or herself as a good enough child to get their needs met just by being him/herself (the child doesn't know any better and assumes if their needs aren't being met, they must be at fault) and the mistaken "pattern" that proves they can control others and should take responsibility for the emotions/behaviors of others. This results in poor self-esteem, messy boundaries, and a hyper-active nervous system, and the flawed belief system carries over as an adult towards romantic attachment figures. It can translate to unproductive behaviors which lead to chaotic relationships. It makes sense to develop as a defense mechanism as a child, when you need to rely on your adult caretakers to survive, but it doesn't serve you out of context as an adult.
I'm interested to see if you step back and take more responsibility for yourself and far less responsibility for him, how that may change and possibly empower your perspective?
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 5, 2018 5:45:54 GMT
That may be the case, but that is not your current dynamic and hasn't been for almost a year. He's told you he can't handle it, and told you what he can handle. You have to look at what's happening right now, and if it's not enough for you, reflect on why you aren't willing to walk away? While it's always good to have been able to recognize when your AP was activated in the past and it triggered behaviors that were not the best for the relationship, and learn from that, working on your attachment style should also be about learning to be comfortable with yourself, your needs, your boundaries, communicating those things, and (for an AP) improving self-confidence. Not an exhaustive list, but it's just as much about your relationship with yourself as it is showing up as a good partner, if not much moreso. The idea is that once you're healing and in a healthier place with yourself then you'll have the capacity to show up as a better partner, too. A lot of your posts so far have been more about learning to regulate the outward direction of your emotions so that you are coming across as patient and "perfect" for him, and are not as focused on what you are doing for you. I'm not sure why telling him how you have been feeling lately and then keeping your words and actions aligned (ie holding the boundary) would break down trust and isolate him? It sounds more like you're saying if you don't walk on eggshells around what you think he wants, you're afraid he'll leave. What has he said he does want? Does he want to reconcile? Again, it may be the case that you showed some AP behaviors that you may regret now and that pushed him away at the time. Have you explained that to him and the reason you've stopped having meltdowns is the self-work you've done (and maybe what he can do to de-escalate those behaviors if they ever happen again and you're not able to control them?). In spite of those behaviors contributing to the breakup, it is also natural AP behavior to blame yourself for everything, and to think, if I just show up in a perfect way, I can control this outcome and get the partner to come back to me in the way I want. I speak from experience because I did this to some extent with my FA ex. I did not talk to him for 8 months after we broke up the first time, even though he actively tried to be friends, because I needed space (and I used this space to prioritize myself and start my push into earned secure!). However, while still AP at the time, I had convinced myself the breakup was somehow all my fault because I was not perfect enough (even though I knew he had a lot of issues and I was a pretty darn good girlfriend). We reconnected and spent many months working towards getting back together after I called him out on saying we were just friends but acting like we were dating again. I was sure it would go better the second time because I had my AP behaviors basically under control and if I had fixed my half, surely my newfound patience and improved self esteem would be enough? It wasn't, because he repeated all his behaviors exactly the same, no matter how I behaved! He did notice my changes, praised how I became an even better partner than before (even though he said the first break up was never really my fault even though he'd blamed me at first, he admitted it was all his baggage), then got very emotional and shared that he doesn't know why he's only incredibly attracted to terrible partners... we still ended up getting back together a few months later, but he panicked very quickly and ran away (in classic FA fashion, not too far away, he wants to stay close friends). Our problems have always been insecure attachment-related, but all the patience in the world doesn't work when only half the equation has been addressed, and he's unwilling to deal with his issues at this time. If at least one partner is stuck in patterns, they have to be willing to examine and break the cycle.
I'm being so blunt because in everything I'm reading, you still seem to think you have no control over the situation and are more concerned with what he thinks and feels than giving yourself the same courtesy. You do have control over your half of the situation (though you cannot control his half), and you can choose to honor yourself and what you want and not baby him. Yes, he's got emotional issues, but he's not a child and needs to take responsibility for his side of things. He's choosing not to do that right now and is giving you crumbs. You're taking all the initiative so that he can be comfortable, but being comfortable doesn't usually lead to people changing anything because... why would they have to?
If there's any way for you to take a step back and look at what you're getting out of being the pursuer, it may be an interesting angle to consider. When AP develops, the inconsistency from the parent (or other adult attachment figure) is in such a way that it seems to have a pattern so the child begins to think that they can control when they are getting their needs met by showing the "perfect" behavior towards their caregiver. There is this combined internalized belief that the child does not see him or herself as a good enough child to get their needs met just by being him/herself (the child doesn't know any better and assumes if their needs aren't being met, they must be at fault) and the mistaken "pattern" that proves they can control others and should take responsibility for the emotions/behaviors of others. This results in poor self-esteem, messy boundaries, and a hyper-active nervous system, and the flawed belief system carries over as an adult towards romantic attachment figures. It can translate to unproductive behaviors which lead to chaotic relationships. It makes sense to develop as a defense mechanism as a child, when you need to rely on your adult caretakers to survive, but it doesn't serve you out of context as an adult.
I'm interested to see if you step back and take more responsibility for yourself and far less responsibility for him, how that may change and possibly empower your perspective?
Hello Alexandra- thank you so much for your detailed and thoughtful responses. I completely agree with everything you said- about both me and my ex. I definitely have been thinking if I could change and be just “perfect” enough than my ex will come back- like I need to earn his love somehow. I can see now that our break is largely due to him and his intimacy issues, so no matter what I did or didn’t do- that break was heading our way in a matter of time. I also see, among other things, how I’ve been hoping to rebuild our trust and connection with a physical connection- which has no bearing on his emotions. It’s almost as if he’s without a heart or soul. He’s still completely shut down, detached and dismissive- regardless of my self-work or physical relationship with him. He was particularly dismissive last weekend and when I saw him tonight, he was the most cold and detached than he has been in 9 months after being physically intimate. It was so hurtful to me that he can be this way- and do obviously wouldn’t be receptive to talking about anything tonight besides the weather for a few seconds, that I didn’t bring up my feelings at his place. Instead I waited until I got home and texted my feelings in a short text and while I should’ve communicated my feelings in person, I just so badly wanted to be heard by him. Of course, he ignored my text about being hurt by our distance and feeling like I’m a fake and believing we could be more- which only made me feel worse. This has been such a hard and exhausting journey and, no, he’s doing nothing to meet my needs...only his own for physical intimacy. I don’t take his attachment wounds personally; however, I do feel damaged and hurt by his reactions and treatment of me and I do believe it’s time I stop walking on egg shells and assert my truth. And I need to be willing to walk if he won’t address his issues or even be willing to meet me halfway. Even after all this time, it’s so incredibly hard to let go- even if a man who is using me for an hour and tossing me aside. I know I deserve better than this...thank you again for your insightful and wonderful response. I hope you’re well! 💗 |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 5, 2018 5:46:59 GMT
That may be the case, but that is not your current dynamic and hasn't been for almost a year. He's told you he can't handle it, and told you what he can handle. You have to look at what's happening right now, and if it's not enough for you, reflect on why you aren't willing to walk away? While it's always good to have been able to recognize when your AP was activated in the past and it triggered behaviors that were not the best for the relationship, and learn from that, working on your attachment style should also be about learning to be comfortable with yourself, your needs, your boundaries, communicating those things, and (for an AP) improving self-confidence. Not an exhaustive list, but it's just as much about your relationship with yourself as it is showing up as a good partner, if not much moreso. The idea is that once you're healing and in a healthier place with yourself then you'll have the capacity to show up as a better partner, too. A lot of your posts so far have been more about learning to regulate the outward direction of your emotions so that you are coming across as patient and "perfect" for him, and are not as focused on what you are doing for you. I'm not sure why telling him how you have been feeling lately and then keeping your words and actions aligned (ie holding the boundary) would break down trust and isolate him? It sounds more like you're saying if you don't walk on eggshells around what you think he wants, you're afraid he'll leave. What has he said he does want? Does he want to reconcile? Again, it may be the case that you showed some AP behaviors that you may regret now and that pushed him away at the time. Have you explained that to him and the reason you've stopped having meltdowns is the self-work you've done (and maybe what he can do to de-escalate those behaviors if they ever happen again and you're not able to control them?). In spite of those behaviors contributing to the breakup, it is also natural AP behavior to blame yourself for everything, and to think, if I just show up in a perfect way, I can control this outcome and get the partner to come back to me in the way I want. I speak from experience because I did this to some extent with my FA ex. I did not talk to him for 8 months after we broke up the first time, even though he actively tried to be friends, because I needed space (and I used this space to prioritize myself and start my push into earned secure!). However, while still AP at the time, I had convinced myself the breakup was somehow all my fault because I was not perfect enough (even though I knew he had a lot of issues and I was a pretty darn good girlfriend). We reconnected and spent many months working towards getting back together after I called him out on saying we were just friends but acting like we were dating again. I was sure it would go better the second time because I had my AP behaviors basically under control and if I had fixed my half, surely my newfound patience and improved self esteem would be enough? It wasn't, because he repeated all his behaviors exactly the same, no matter how I behaved! He did notice my changes, praised how I became an even better partner than before (even though he said the first break up was never really my fault even though he'd blamed me at first, he admitted it was all his baggage), then got very emotional and shared that he doesn't know why he's only incredibly attracted to terrible partners... we still ended up getting back together a few months later, but he panicked very quickly and ran away (in classic FA fashion, not too far away, he wants to stay close friends). Our problems have always been insecure attachment-related, but all the patience in the world doesn't work when only half the equation has been addressed, and he's unwilling to deal with his issues at this time. If at least one partner is stuck in patterns, they have to be willing to examine and break the cycle. I'm being so blunt because in everything I'm reading, you still seem to think you have no control over the situation and are more concerned with what he thinks and feels than giving yourself the same courtesy. You do have control over your half of the situation (though you cannot control his half), and you can choose to honor yourself and what you want and not baby him. Yes, he's got emotional issues, but he's not a child and needs to take responsibility for his side of things. He's choosing not to do that right now and is giving you crumbs. You're taking all the initiative so that he can be comfortable, but being comfortable doesn't usually lead to people changing anything because... why would they have to? If there's any way for you to take a step back and look at what you're getting out of being the pursuer, it may be an interesting angle to consider. When AP develops, the inconsistency from the parent (or other adult attachment figure) is in such a way that it seems to have a pattern so the child begins to think that they can control when they are getting their needs met by showing the "perfect" behavior towards their caregiver. There is this combined internalized belief that the child does not see him or herself as a good enough child to get their needs met just by being him/herself (the child doesn't know any better and assumes if their needs aren't being met, they must be at fault) and the mistaken "pattern" that proves they can control others and should take responsibility for the emotions/behaviors of others. This results in poor self-esteem, messy boundaries, and a hyper-active nervous system, and the flawed belief system carries over as an adult towards romantic attachment figures. It can translate to unproductive behaviors which lead to chaotic relationships. It makes sense to develop as a defense mechanism as a child, when you need to rely on your adult caretakers to survive, but it doesn't serve you out of context as an adult.
I'm interested to see if you step back and take more responsibility for yourself and far less responsibility for him, how that may change and possibly empower your perspective?
Hello Alexandra- thank you so much for your detailed and thoughtful responses. I completely agree with everything you said- about both me and my ex. I definitely have been thinking if I could change and be just “perfect” enough than my ex will come back- as if I need to earn his love somehow. I can see now that our break is largely due to him and his intimacy issues, so no matter what I did or didn’t do in our relationship, that break bound to happen in a matter of time. I also see, among other things, how I’ve been hoping to rebuild our trust and connection with a physical connection- which has no bearing on his emotions. It’s almost as if he’s without a heart or soul. He’s still completely shut down, detached and dismissive- regardless of my self-work or physical relationship with him. He was particularly dismissive and cold all last weekend and when I saw him tonight, he was the most cold and detached than he has been in 9 months after being physically intimate. It was so hurtful to me that he can be this way- and so obviously wouldn’t be receptive to talking about anything tonight, that I didn’t bring up my feelings or anything that would flare his defenses. Instead I waited until I got home and he reached out to ask if I was home okay, since I didn’t text like I typically do. I thought about simply responding and allowing for his distant charade to continue, instead I responded my feelings in a short text. While it would’ve been better communicated in person, I so badly wanted to be heard by him that I opted for texting. Of course, he ignored my texts about being hurt by our distance and feeling like I’m a fake and believing we could be more- which only made me feel worse. (For now) This has been such a hard and exhausting journey and, no, he’s doing nothing to meet my needs...only his own needs for physical intimacy. I don’t take his attachment wounds personally; however, I do feel damaged and hurt by his reactions and treatment of me and I do believe it’s time I stop walking on egg shells and assert my truth. And I know I need to be willing to walk if he won’t address his issues or even be willing to meet me halfway. Even after all this time, it’s so incredibly hard to let go- even if a man who is using me for an hour and tossing me aside. I know I deserve better than this...thank you again for your insightful and wonderful response. I hope you’re well! 💗 |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 8, 2018 0:00:32 GMT
Thank you for your response- everything you said resonated with me. I think I could be happy with our dynamic as it was before our break- That may be the case, but that is not your current dynamic and hasn't been for almost a year. He's told you he can't handle it, and told you what he can handle. You have to look at what's happening right now, and if it's not enough for you, reflect on why you aren't willing to walk away? My newly regulated emotional self-control would go a long way in helping my ex feel more comfortable in a relationship. While it's always good to have been able to recognize when your AP was activated in the past and it triggered behaviors that were not the best for the relationship, and learn from that, working on your attachment style should also be about learning to be comfortable with yourself, your needs, your boundaries, communicating those things, and (for an AP) improving self-confidence. Not an exhaustive list, but it's just as much about your relationship with yourself as it is showing up as a good partner, if not much moreso. The idea is that once you're healing and in a healthier place with yourself then you'll have the capacity to show up as a better partner, too. A lot of your posts so far have been more about learning to regulate the outward direction of your emotions so that you are coming across as patient and "perfect" for him, and are not as focused on what you are doing for you. To answer your question, I suppose I brought up building trust in connection with boundaries bc I feel if I draw a hard line in the sand, for example, say no more sex or we need to start “dating” again before attempting to reconcile, then I feel I would break down trust between us and further isolate him. I'm not sure why telling him how you have been feeling lately and then keeping your words and actions aligned (ie holding the boundary) would break down trust and isolate him? It sounds more like you're saying if you don't walk on eggshells around what you think he wants, you're afraid he'll leave. What has he said he does want? Does he want to reconcile? I had a handful of emotional breakdowns in our relationships triggered by my anxiety. These meltdowns were too much “drama” for him and caused him to doubt me and break up with me. Recognizing my past behavior and his natural tendency to be distrustful has caused me to focus on rebuilding trust as a way to bring us back together. I believe a lack of trust and belief on his part reinforces his fears and hold him back from letting his guard down. He desires love and connection but feels depressed, afraid and incapable of giving and receiving intimacy and love. Yes, he definitely has his own work to do, I’m just trying my best to navigate these waters with him in the most productive way. 🙂 Again, it may be the case that you showed some AP behaviors that you may regret now and that pushed him away at the time. Have you explained that to him and the reason you've stopped having meltdowns is the self-work you've done (and maybe what he can do to de-escalate those behaviors if they ever happen again and you're not able to control them?). In spite of those behaviors contributing to the breakup, it is also natural AP behavior to blame yourself for everything, and to think, if I just show up in a perfect way, I can control this outcome and get the partner to come back to me in the way I want. I speak from experience because I did this to some extent with my FA ex. I did not talk to him for 8 months after we broke up the first time, even though he actively tried to be friends, because I needed space (and I used this space to prioritize myself and start my push into earned secure!). However, while still AP at the time, I had convinced myself the breakup was somehow all my fault because I was not perfect enough (even though I knew he had a lot of issues and I was a pretty darn good girlfriend). We reconnected and spent many months working towards getting back together after I called him out on saying we were just friends but acting like we were dating again. I was sure it would go better the second time because I had my AP behaviors basically under control and if I had fixed my half, surely my newfound patience and improved self esteem would be enough? It wasn't, because he repeated all his behaviors exactly the same, no matter how I behaved! He did notice my changes, praised how I became an even better partner than before (even though he said the first break up was never really my fault even though he'd blamed me at first, he admitted it was all his baggage), then got very emotional and shared that he doesn't know why he's only incredibly attracted to terrible partners... we still ended up getting back together a few months later, but he panicked very quickly and ran away (in classic FA fashion, not too far away, he wants to stay close friends). Our problems have always been insecure attachment-related, but all the patience in the world doesn't work when only half the equation has been addressed, and he's unwilling to deal with his issues at this time. If at least one partner is stuck in patterns, they have to be willing to examine and break the cycle.
I'm being so blunt because in everything I'm reading, you still seem to think you have no control over the situation and are more concerned with what he thinks and feels than giving yourself the same courtesy. You do have control over your half of the situation (though you cannot control his half), and you can choose to honor yourself and what you want and not baby him. Yes, he's got emotional issues, but he's not a child and needs to take responsibility for his side of things. He's choosing not to do that right now and is giving you crumbs. You're taking all the initiative so that he can be comfortable, but being comfortable doesn't usually lead to people changing anything because... why would they have to?
If there's any way for you to take a step back and look at what you're getting out of being the pursuer, it may be an interesting angle to consider. When AP develops, the inconsistency from the parent (or other adult attachment figure) is in such a way that it seems to have a pattern so the child begins to think that they can control when they are getting their needs met by showing the "perfect" behavior towards their caregiver. There is this combined internalized belief that the child does not see him or herself as a good enough child to get their needs met just by being him/herself (the child doesn't know any better and assumes if their needs aren't being met, they must be at fault) and the mistaken "pattern" that proves they can control others and should take responsibility for the emotions/behaviors of others. This results in poor self-esteem, messy boundaries, and a hyper-active nervous system, and the flawed belief system carries over as an adult towards romantic attachment figures. It can translate to unproductive behaviors which lead to chaotic relationships. It makes sense to develop as a defense mechanism as a child, when you need to rely on your adult caretakers to survive, but it doesn't serve you out of context as an adult.
I'm interested to see if you step back and take more responsibility for yourself and far less responsibility for him, how that may change and possibly empower your perspective?
Thank you so much, Alexandra, for your thoughtful and wonderful response! 🙂You were spot on- now I just need to implement. The tough part. I saw my ex Thurs night- he suggested I come over when I initiated a text, and that meet up left me feeling completely empty and frustrated. He’s only interested in being physically intimate- he’s shut down otherwise. He had me out of his house within minutes of being together- he was more detached than usual and I felt so rejected and hopeless. You’re right, I’ve been focusing on how I can be more “perfect” and earn back his love- and he’s already told me since the break that there’s something wrong with him and he’s “incapable” of being with someone. So the writing is clearly on the wall that sex is all he has to offer or receive. It’s just so difficult to detach, although I feel I’m getting better. Thurs night I texted that this distance between us is a struggle for me and he didn’t even respond. I’m sure he viewed my text as “drama” that overwhelmed him. I’m not sure if he still wants sex as simply a way to meet his needs or he feels somewhat connected to me in that way- or if he thinks I won’t seek other men if he satisfies me in this way...but just being physical doesn’t satisfy me. Not at all. I’ve come to realize that no matter how I act or don’t act- no matter how “perfect” I am, he can’t tolerate sustained emotional intimacy with a partner. And to answer your question, yes, I am afraid that if I’m honest with him and assert my feelings and wants, then he’ll walk and never look back. I still want us to get “better” and get back together...or I would’ve cut all contact months ago. Ten months later and no closer to reconciliation, I feel l MUST go no contact. I must, but I need to find the strength to resist the urge to reach out for more than a few days. Checking in with him still brings me comfort and texting is so easily accessible. Do you think it’s better to have an honest heart to heart with him- being prepared to walk if we can’t agree or just go silent on him with no further explanation? I recognize that I can’t be the only one doing the work, and he needs to work on his own issues. I feel seeing him is probably enabling him to stay in his dysfunctional behavior and patterns, therefore only hurting us further. Maybe that will motivate my resistance to reach out. Thank you again for your words of wisdom- they were greatly appreciated and I’ll reread often. 🙏🏻💗 |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 8, 2018 5:42:41 GMT
I’ve come to realize that no matter how I act or don’t act- no matter how “perfect” I am, he can’t tolerate sustained emotional intimacy with a partner. And to answer your question, yes, I am afraid that if I’m honest with him and assert my feelings and wants, then he’ll walk and never look back. I still want us to get “better” and get back together...or I would’ve cut all contact months ago. Ten months later and no closer to reconciliation, I feel l MUST go no contact. I must, but I need to find the strength to resist the urge to reach out for more than a few days. Checking in with him still brings me comfort and texting is so easily accessible. Do you think it’s better to have an honest heart to heart with him- being prepared to walk if we can’t agree or just go silent on him with no further explanation? I recognize that I can’t be the only one doing the work, and he needs to work on his own issues. I feel seeing him is probably enabling him to stay in his dysfunctional behavior and patterns, therefore only hurting us further. Maybe that will motivate my resistance to reach out. Thank you again for your words of wisdom- they were greatly appreciated and I’ll reread often. 🙏🏻💗 Thanks, I hope I can share experiences that are helpful to people on this board.
My concern with your posts lately are that you are still looking at going no contact etc. as a "tactic." What behavior can you take for it to be the most likely to create the outcome you want. As I said, and even as you said, it doesn't really matter. He's going to do what he's going to do no matter what you choose. You have to choose what you want and not worry about him, not worry about if your decisions are enabling him and hurting you in the "us" way. It only matters if your decisions are hurting you.
Going no contact is to help you get grounded and get the space to have perspective on your own issues. It's not to give him space to do the same. If that's how it turns out, great, but you can't go into it expecting a particular outcome on his end or you'll stay stuck even if it's just in your own head.
I also wonder, from the way you describe this, if he's not answering your requests for closeness because he thinks he's communicated that this is all he can give and so you pushing him and reading into anything further is not his responsibility to deal with aside from keeping his distance from what he's uncomfortable with (and he'd be right). Which is why, right back at you, your responsibility here is to tell him what you want and let him respond to it however he will, then you remove yourself from the parts that make you feel uncomfortable or anxious -- the parts you don't want to accept.
You're still not focused on yourself and the issues you bring to this, but maybe whatever justification you need to go no contact will allow you the space to start focusing on yourself at some point in the future.
And, I don't mean this in a mean way, but I saw in your other post that you said it would be easier for him to find a new hookup so the fact he sticks with you gives you hope. Yet you also mention how introverted he is and how he has few social desires... so wouldn't it actually be harder for him to find a new person because he'd have to put in social effort to do that? I don't think you can firmly attribute this particular behavior to the connection, because different people have different motivations. In general, accepting friends with benefits is a bad idea because of the weak boundaries it indicates for the person who really wants more, at least if both people aren't equally on the same page about wanting something so casual.
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 8, 2018 5:59:37 GMT
I’ve come to realize that no matter how I act or don’t act- no matter how “perfect” I am, he can’t tolerate sustained emotional intimacy with a partner. And to answer your question, yes, I am afraid that if I’m honest with him and assert my feelings and wants, then he’ll walk and never look back. I still want us to get “better” and get back together...or I would’ve cut all contact months ago. Ten months later and no closer to reconciliation, I feel l MUST go no contact. I must, but I need to find the strength to resist the urge to reach out for more than a few days. Checking in with him still brings me comfort and texting is so easily accessible. Do you think it’s better to have an honest heart to heart with him- being prepared to walk if we can’t agree or just go silent on him with no further explanation? I recognize that I can’t be the only one doing the work, and he needs to work on his own issues. I feel seeing him is probably enabling him to stay in his dysfunctional behavior and patterns, therefore only hurting us further. Maybe that will motivate my resistance to reach out. Thank you again for your words of wisdom- they were greatly appreciated and I’ll reread often. 🙏🏻💗 Thanks, I hope I can share experiences that are helpful to people on this board.
My concern with your posts lately are that you are still looking at going no contact etc. as a "tactic." What behavior can you take for it to be the most likely to create the outcome you want. As I said, and even as you said, it doesn't really matter. He's going to do what he's going to do no matter what you choose. You have to choose what you want and not worry about him, not worry about if your decisions are enabling him and hurting you in the "us" way. It only matters if your decisions are hurting you.
Going no contact is to help you get grounded and get the space to have perspective on your own issues. It's not to give him space to do the same. If that's how it turns out, great, but you can't go into it expecting a particular outcome on his end or you'll stay stuck even if it's just in your own head.
I also wonder, from the way you describe this, if he's not answering your requests for closeness because he thinks he's communicated that this is all he can give and so you pushing him and reading into anything further is not his responsibility to deal with aside from keeping his distance from what he's uncomfortable with (and he'd be right). Which is why, right back at you, your responsibility here is to tell him what you want and let him respond to it however he will, then you remove yourself from the parts that make you feel uncomfortable or anxious -- the parts you don't want to accept.
You're still not focused on yourself and the issues you bring to this, but maybe whatever justification you need to go no contact will allow you the space to start focusing on yourself at some point in the future.
And, I don't mean this in a mean way, but I saw in your other post that you said it would be easier for him to find a new hookup so the fact he sticks with you gives you hope. Yet you also mention how introverted he is and how he has few social desires... so wouldn't it actually be harder for him to find a new person because he'd have to put in social effort to do that? I don't think you can firmly attribute this particular behavior to the connection, because different people have different motivations. In general, accepting friends with benefits is a bad idea because of the weak boundaries it indicates for the person who really wants more, at least if both people aren't equally on the same page about wanting something so casual.
Thanks...you’re right. I’m still thinking of tactics and how my decisions affect him. I’m used to considering how he feels and now, even though we’re not together, I’d like to be together, so I think that’s why I consider him. He is an introvert and homebody, but he could likely find someone from his past with much less complication than me. I think he would have little problem finding women who prefer no strings- no doubt though he’s comfortable with me at this point and feels safe, if only in a physical aspect. Yes, he told me a couple times that he’s incapable of being in a relationship so he probably figures he already said his peace and it’s up to me how to proceed. He’s very matter of fact and doesn’t belabor points or tell people what they should do, so that would be his style of communication and likely his reason for not talking further about it. And while I heard what he said- I was hoping he would change his mind in time. He did once before when he went from wanting to be with me forever to a break- so there was inconsistency there. Likewise I could tell my peace, but I must be prepared to walk when he doesn’t agree with what I want- us moving toward a relationship. I know he’s not ready to step back into that. Thanks again for your insightful feedback- I think for me to completely let go and stop considering his feelings, I’d have to be a few months into NC or possibly with a new partner. I’m not there yet...but much better than I was 9 months ago. |
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