Trying to find some understanding and peace | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

Betty
New Member

Posts: 36

Trying to find some understanding and peace Apr 14, 2017 17:39:29 GMT via mobile

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Post by Betty on Apr 14, 2017 17:39:29 GMT

I am new to this site and this thread. Just looking for some understanding and clarity, as I'm confused and really devastated.

I think my boyfriend (now ex as of this week) is either a dismissive avoidant, or fearful avoidant.
I am not really sure of the difference, as I am still learning. I get the impression he is a fearful avoidant, as he can be very tender and intimate, but wen he is threatened he pulls back and withholds. I am an anxious.

Him and I met 2 years ago, at a personal growth seminar. He was handsome, his smile infectious, and his energy electric. We were both drawn to each other immediately. We made each other laugh, we spent a lot of time together, we enjoyed the same things and enjoyed being together. It was clear that we were connected and fast. He was very open with me. The last man I had been seeing was a commitment phobe. This guy wasn't like that, he was affectionate,loving, kind. Man could he make me laugh. A couple months after meeting we took a trip to New York and had an amazing time.

It seemed like he was my soul mate. Or at least that's how I looked at things back then. I feel my view of love and relationships have turned more realistic since then.

Anyways, he seemed like a very consious man, and his willingness to grow and learn really inspired and attracted me.

We started having problems, you know regular couples fights, that I thought was normal. Those fights took on a whole entity within itself, and fast. What was one disagreement took over the relationship. He started shutting down on me. Since I am an anxious preoccupied (and I know this, and am currently seeking council) I thought the way to get him to be open with me was to push and push him to talk. The more I did that, the less he seemed interested in me. Despite our problems, and problems that had now arose in the bedroom (he did not want to sleep with me, had impotencey, I blamed myself of course) we decided to pack up our stuff togetehr and move across the country and start a new life together.

At the time I felt like everything was going to work out because there was this love there, this big big love.

So we moved and the problems just mounted from there. He started to avoid spending time with me, and the more and more he did, the more Angrier, Lonleier, and more depressed I became. Resentment was taking over, as I felt he didn't want to be around me and I was very hurt.

I didn't realize he was hurt also.
We went to see a therapist to talk about our problems. I learned that not only was he withdrawing and hiding thibgs from me, but he was abused as a child, and in turn abused another child himself.

Confused and upset about his lack of transparency, I thought he was hiding those things because he was angry with me.
I had no idea how to help him or even where to begin with knowing what he went through or what he still goes through.

We stayed in the relationship until Christmas last year, where things exploded. He hit his breaking point and he left me. I was devestaed. Not just by his leaving, but by how cruel he was. He refused to speak to me, which peaked my anxiety even more. I wanted to just talk to him, so I kept pushing and pushing.

We didn't speak for 3 weeks, until I wrote him a letter. He responded that he wanted to try things with me again.

I don't think we had enough time away from each other, or enough healing done. He has Alot of anger and resentment from what happened, and he keeps going from wanting to connect with me, to disconnect.

I'm not sure if he even sees it or understands it. I see him get so frustrated with me when I ask him questions that he doesn't want to answer too.

When he said "try again", I don't think he meant he was all in. I think he meant to see if I could be safe with him. I couldnt because I couldn't understand why he wpuld shut me out and I would try to hammer my way back in. Hammer my way through the walls.

He ended things again this week and the pattern repeated, of us getting into a fight and him repeatedly trying to get me to leave him alone by saying hurtful things, and me lashing back.

This whole situation just breaks my heart. I feel I have no control at all, no control over myself and no control over the situation.

I will also mention that since we broke up, we r have both stayed in the city we moved too. It's been hard since neither one of us has stable work and are living in non permanent homes separately.

I am planning to move home this weekend and he is planning to move home next month.

Any kind of advice or insight or anything that anybody could lend me would be great. I truly love this man and see that he makes an effort, but as soon as he is pushed he clams up and won't talk to me for weeks. It makes me feel very isolated and alone, as my anxiety over it just spirals put of control.

He has shut me out and I'm not sure what to do

Thanks
Becky

annieb
Honored Contributor

Posts: 636

Trying to find some understanding and peace Apr 25, 2017 22:47:00 GMT

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Post by annieb on Apr 25, 2017 22:47:00 GMT

Without a question you are attracted to each other, but you do not have the tools to be with each other. It seems like it would take years of therapy to get to a point, where he doesn't clam up and expresses his frustrations and problems and where you let him be, not take is sickness personally. and come to you, when he is ready to talk. In layman's terms you are simply not compatible. Is it really worth all this heartache to be in a relationship? Surely each one of you could find someone, who could deal with each of you just as they are? I find that when I let go of someone, they really step up their game. Can you truly let go of him? That may be the last hurray.

Yak
Guest

Trying to find some understanding and peace Apr 27, 2017 14:09:53 GMT

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Post by Yak on Apr 27, 2017 14:09:53 GMT

Thats terrible, I'm sorry for your situation.

It seems that it is really hurting you and has been going on for a long time. Perhaps things can't change for the better, and for either you to heal you may need to be apart from each other.

I have recently been in a relationship with a Fearful Avoidant girl, and the signs were there early but I didn't know what it was, I just thought she wasn't that interested at first. But then she'd show amazing affection at times and go out of her way to see me. Until I moved closer to her and gradually I seemed to have to be the one organising all our time spent together, she'd call up and text all the time, but I struggled to get her to spend much time with me, when we did it was always great, but she would retreat to her safe zone in her shell after. The thing is, I wasn't really an Anxious type before, and didn't come across as that anxious with her, but I did feel it, tremendously. Nobody has ever made me feel this insecure before, my stomach was in knots trying to work out how to handle her and how to help her. For months, not focusing on my own life and being preoccupied with these thoughts.

The truth is, there isn't anything you can do to 'fix' or help a fearful avoidant person. These fears are deep inside them, and it seems unless they understand it themselves and choose themselves to get help then they will repeat the process. They might be able to be more compatible with someone who doesn't react so hard to their actions/coldness/withdrawal, but they usually end up attracting anxious types, or make more secure people like myself, become an anxious type.

I'd suggest walking away, heal yourself focus on your ambitions, stay busy. Of course this will be on your mind a lot, but just focus on other things. If he comes back to you, make sure he has done the work to help himself and work out why it could be different this time around. Otherwise you are in for the same repeated cycle, again. Not fun.

I am hoping my ex does regret her rash decision and come back, I'm not holding my breath. But I feel there is more time to try and make that work, but only if she can admit to her fears and problem and help me get back to feeling secure with her, as that could work. Probably not though. But you seem to have lots of fights when things go wrong which is really unhealthy and not fun.

Good luck. Be happy!