Post by autumn on Sept 30, 2018 23:59:46 GMT
I’m new to this forum so apologies for the lengthy post. Lately I've been completely stuck and can’t figure out how to move forward, and this forum has been really helpful in making me feel less alone or abnormal (thank you for that!). So I’m hoping this might give me some clarity and help me reexamine parts of myself and the way I interact with people and help me to grow.
I’m not clear what “type” I am. As a lot of people have mentioned, I can relate to certain aspects of different types. Secure/anxious people tend to bring out my dismissive side, and avoidants bring out my anxious side. The attachment test on this site was all over the map – fearful avoidant in relationships, secure with friends, slightly dismissive with parents. But the fearful avoidant thing doesn’t add up to me – I don’t have much to explain it, unlike a lot of the people here who have shared traumatic experiences and difficult family backgrounds. My parents were loving and supportive, although they had a dysfunctional and combative relationship with each other, but I did not face any loss or trauma early in life.
I have generally avoided dating and relationships for about six years. I have gone on dates, but hated the experience and it tends to put me off of dating again for an extended time period until for whatever reason I’m compelled to try again, then give up again pretty easily. I’m just not interested and don’t mind being alone for now. Instead of really dating or having relationships, I have a couple people in my life that don’t live in the same city and have stayed in the background – as people I text, hook up with when our paths cross about once a year or so, generally distractions from actually finding something serious and this has been enough to keep me from needing to meet people where I live. This also allowed me to focus on work and not get caught up in any drama or be distracted by emotions. At the same time, I’ve always wanted something deeper in the future. I always thought when I was ready or met the right person it would just happen naturally.
When I do find someone I like (often someone with avoidant qualities), they pursue me, I keep my defenses up for a time, then start to become anxious and fearful of abandonment and ruminate way too much, even if I know this person isn’t right for me. Although I don’t think I respond with neediness or bids for attention. If I feel or assume someone is withdrawing, I tend to withdraw as well and don’t let things play out. But this is not because they are getting too close but because of my fear of things ending and wanting to maintain my dignity or pride or sanity and knowing when to fold (I don’t think this is a healthy way to view relationships ending but this is how I feel about it). I’m also terrible at communicating. Then they often come back around, convincing me it will be different and the pattern repeats itself until something happens on one or both sides to end it for good.
I remember a time with a previous boyfriend where we took a vacation together and we were at a very intimate stage of our relationship. But instead of feeling completely happy, I was also sad, thinking of how it would end and how we weren’t like the other couples around us – relaxed and at peace with each other. That is generally how I feel in relationships and why I have mixed feelings about them.
My latest connection/dating experience has really thrown me for a loop and made me question myself and feel a bit crazy. It’s a long story that I should save for another thread.. But what I'd love some insight into is how I can make sense of these experiences and approach them differently. Is it that I’m opening up to the wrong people (I ignore red flags and I find avoidant qualities endearing and empathize with their need for space..) or is there something “off” in how I behave/respond that triggers others, even if it’s not something like clinginess (from my perspective I have never been a clingy person) and maybe my own "one foot out the door" strategy also contributes to this pattern? How can I open up and communicate my feelings and fear more honestly (even if I’m scared to) without seeming like I am trying to get a certain response out of it or seeming like I need to be taken care of (as I’ve read some see the efforts of APs to get a reaction to their anxiety as manipulative)? Does this strange mixture of fear/anxiety/withdrawal make any sense?
I’m not clear what “type” I am. As a lot of people have mentioned, I can relate to certain aspects of different types. Secure/anxious people tend to bring out my dismissive side, and avoidants bring out my anxious side. The attachment test on this site was all over the map – fearful avoidant in relationships, secure with friends, slightly dismissive with parents. But the fearful avoidant thing doesn’t add up to me – I don’t have much to explain it, unlike a lot of the people here who have shared traumatic experiences and difficult family backgrounds. My parents were loving and supportive, although they had a dysfunctional and combative relationship with each other, but I did not face any loss or trauma early in life.
I have generally avoided dating and relationships for about six years. I have gone on dates, but hated the experience and it tends to put me off of dating again for an extended time period until for whatever reason I’m compelled to try again, then give up again pretty easily. I’m just not interested and don’t mind being alone for now. Instead of really dating or having relationships, I have a couple people in my life that don’t live in the same city and have stayed in the background – as people I text, hook up with when our paths cross about once a year or so, generally distractions from actually finding something serious and this has been enough to keep me from needing to meet people where I live. This also allowed me to focus on work and not get caught up in any drama or be distracted by emotions. At the same time, I’ve always wanted something deeper in the future. I always thought when I was ready or met the right person it would just happen naturally.
When I do find someone I like (often someone with avoidant qualities), they pursue me, I keep my defenses up for a time, then start to become anxious and fearful of abandonment and ruminate way too much, even if I know this person isn’t right for me. Although I don’t think I respond with neediness or bids for attention. If I feel or assume someone is withdrawing, I tend to withdraw as well and don’t let things play out. But this is not because they are getting too close but because of my fear of things ending and wanting to maintain my dignity or pride or sanity and knowing when to fold (I don’t think this is a healthy way to view relationships ending but this is how I feel about it). I’m also terrible at communicating. Then they often come back around, convincing me it will be different and the pattern repeats itself until something happens on one or both sides to end it for good.
I remember a time with a previous boyfriend where we took a vacation together and we were at a very intimate stage of our relationship. But instead of feeling completely happy, I was also sad, thinking of how it would end and how we weren’t like the other couples around us – relaxed and at peace with each other. That is generally how I feel in relationships and why I have mixed feelings about them.
My latest connection/dating experience has really thrown me for a loop and made me question myself and feel a bit crazy. It’s a long story that I should save for another thread.. But what I'd love some insight into is how I can make sense of these experiences and approach them differently. Is it that I’m opening up to the wrong people (I ignore red flags and I find avoidant qualities endearing and empathize with their need for space..) or is there something “off” in how I behave/respond that triggers others, even if it’s not something like clinginess (from my perspective I have never been a clingy person) and maybe my own "one foot out the door" strategy also contributes to this pattern? How can I open up and communicate my feelings and fear more honestly (even if I’m scared to) without seeming like I am trying to get a certain response out of it or seeming like I need to be taken care of (as I’ve read some see the efforts of APs to get a reaction to their anxiety as manipulative)? Does this strange mixture of fear/anxiety/withdrawal make any sense?
