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Post by goldilocks on Oct 3, 2018 16:44:45 GMT
Well, real life friends aside, we are there for each other, which I am deeply grateful for. We have not yet known each other a full year and we do go deep together. So that is something. i would not have experienced the same growth on my own over these months, our friendship is huge. Neither would I and that is interdependence; being self sufficient on one's own, yet recognizing we need another to rise above our abilities. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 4, 2018 22:13:14 GMT
From the "avoidant" thread: The brain literally needs more resources to get regulated alone-- it takes more oxygen and glucose (the power sources for the brain) to calm down when alone. They are not aware of this, they feel "normal" being alone, even when upset. They don't realize that if they could "plug in" to their partner and use their partner to get calm that they would literally have more oxygen and glucose available in their brain for other things. Partner's help us save resources so that we can get more done, but avoidants do not come from homes where there was a lot of "plugging in" to other people for comfort. So they don't intuitively do that and they need to be shown the value of that.This is great and very true. I have never been able to get comfort by plugging in. Plugging in always caused more stress. I do with friends that I have known for many years, but it has never happened with a significant other. It sounds like it would be really nice to have though. |
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Post by goldilocks on Oct 4, 2018 22:20:12 GMT
This is great and very true. I have never been able to get comfort by plugging in. Plugging in always caused more stress. I do with friends that I have known for many years, but it has never happened with a significant other. It sounds like it would be really nice to have though.Sounds good to me too! |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2018 16:01:59 GMT
From the outside, it is difficult to tell if the deactivation/desociation, the lack of hunger cues ect. is because of a deactivation from the avoidant point of view or deactivation from a desorganized point of view. It could be both at the same time, if you also have some trauma/desorganized attatchment style in your system. An atttchment/SE therapist recommends to try to do the "water tank exercise", to be able to come back into the now and the "getting into the now exercise" (and to become able to get back into the contact with a partner) if you are not able to go back, when distance is created. i have read that dismissive avoidant can dissociate, and i have a history of trauma. but i can't relate to the elements that perpetuate a cycle of disorganized/ FA relating, so what i see in myself is a strong deactivation that has avoidant qualities. i have FA in my makeup, showing in the relationship with parents. my avoidant deactivation with a partner is very distinct to me, quite other than the deactivation i feel from my parents. i have different flavors of deactivation responses, depending on the nature of the relationship. it isn't too important to me to differentiate the perspectives. it isn't important to evaluate it from the outside looking in at me- the important thing for me is to notice and be aware of it, and work with it to heal it. acrively engaging in relationships , the triggering one or others, is what seems to be the most helpful for me to curb deactivation and become grounded again. i did recognize how plugging into a partner helped me resolve , early on- but it took me a long long time and lots of work to actively try to do that when i see myself shutting down. and it's always going to be a work in progress. i have friends who have asked me to contact them when i start to deactivate and i always promise i will, but sometimes i go a little down the drain before i can consciously catch myself and reach out. thank god for the people who love me. i am so fortunate. they do help me heal. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2018 17:53:02 GMT
i was thinking about this more,
and want to clarify that the deactivation from intimacy, real intimacy that i treasure, is more powerful physiologically, than deactivation from a toxic partner (engulfment).
so, in my past when i was involved with very needy partners who engaged in a lot of protest behaviors, i deactivated in a more dispassionate way, that is, i just gladly tuned out and went away and enjoyed the space.
deactivation from a cherished relationship is more difficult and painful and isolating.
very different feelings in the deactivation from true intimacy vs the deactivation from engulfment.
i'm still exploring all of it, i get confused still!
sometimes, believe it or not, i even doubt that i am dismissive avoidant at all and think maybe i am just not meant to be in a close relationship and that i don't even want one because it's a hassle. i feel like maybe i was born to be solitary and that it's fine and allows me to have a more productive and satisfying life. isn't that funny? while being deeply dismissive and doing what dismissives do thinking very avoidant thoughts and feeling very avoidant (non) feelings, i become convinced that attachment theory is not applicable and i just need to chill and be alone and stop fighting so hard to be "normal", because "normal" is not really that desirable.
so weird. i get it, i'm weird and dysfunctional. lol.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2018 18:01:28 GMT
and i minimized the difficulty i have in a previous post. my friends ask me to reach out when i deactivate so they can help me stay connected and i ALWAYS go down the drain more than i would like before i reach out. it's sill not an automatic thing to recognize and respond to my deactivation "in time". i still go there. working toward secure i have been able to claw my way out better, and recover more quickly, and understand it. but when i begin to deactivate, if asked, "juniper, are you deactivating?" i would be convinced that the answer is "no, i am finally being rational, thank you for your concern but i got this." so- people asking me for warning and a heads up- i can't do that at this time. i can post here about it but it just isn't something i can easily take to real life relationships. i am in a lot of contact with goldilocks and still don't realize i am deactivating when i am sometimes. ] i'm such a work in progress. so like i always say, i'll just keep going. |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 13, 2018 18:17:17 GMT
and i minimized the difficulty i have in a previous post. my friends ask me to reach out when i deactivate so they can help me stay connected and i ALWAYS go down the drain more than i would like before i reach out. it's sill not an automatic thing to recognize and respond to my deactivation "in time". i still go there. Don't be so hard on yourself about that. It's very hard to recognize certain patterns while in the thick of it. I have a somewhat recently diagnosed bipolar friend who, after some time, it has become pretty obvious what the subtle warning signs of an episode coming on look like to me and another friend. We've taken to telling her as soon as we both noticed and then stepping back. She will vehemently deny it and believe it's not the case, until it's over. Then, she'll eventually apologize and admit we were correct. This can take weeks, but that's where she is in her processing abilities about it. I think it's been building trust that we only say it when we're sure and then don't try to control her, as she's actively figuring out how to manage it. When she's back to baseline, we discuss if there's any more effective way she'd like us to try to communicate, but it's really about her ability and desire to get better at recognizing the issue faster on her own. And not feeling like we won't be there anymore once she's back to baseline due to her episodic behavior. It's a different type of issue, that is not deactivation, but it's the same principle, I think. It may be baby steps, but get to know yourself and what you might need in those situations a little better each time. Bonus points if you can communicate with your friends about it when you're feeling more at your baseline, and it sounds like you have good people around trying to understand and not judging you for it, or judging where you're at in coping with it. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2018 18:47:13 GMT
and i minimized the difficulty i have in a previous post. my friends ask me to reach out when i deactivate so they can help me stay connected and i ALWAYS go down the drain more than i would like before i reach out. it's sill not an automatic thing to recognize and respond to my deactivation "in time". i still go there. Don't be so hard on yourself about that. It's very hard to recognize certain patterns while in the thick of it. I have a somewhat recently diagnosed bipolar friend who, after some time, it has become pretty obvious what the subtle warning signs of an episode coming on look like to me and another friend. We've taken to telling her as soon as we both noticed and then stepping back. She will vehemently deny it and believe it's not the case, until it's over. Then, she'll eventually apologize and admit we were correct. This can take weeks, but that's where she is in her processing abilities about it. I think it's been building trust that we only say it when we're sure and then don't try to control her, as she's actively figuring out how to manage it. When she's back to baseline, we discuss if there's any more effective way she'd like us to try to communicate, but it's really about her ability and desire to get better at recognizing the issue faster on her own. And not feeling like we won't be there anymore once she's back to baseline due to her episodic behavior. It's a different type of issue, that is not deactivation, but it's the same principle, I think. It may be baby steps, but get to know yourself and what you might need in those situations a little better each time. Bonus points if you can communicate with your friends about it when you're feeling more at your baseline, and it sounds like you have good people around trying to understand and not judging you for it, or judging where you're at in coping with it. haha actually i don't feel hard on myself about it, i'm just so glad to know about it and i get frustrated sometimes but also, in the big picture, i feel a sense of accomplishment and victory at being where i am. it breaks my heart when i have hurt my partner with it but also i know i am doing the best i can . and everyone in my life is very supportive and proud of me , they know where i come from and what i am trying to do. i think i have a pretty good sense of self-love and acceptance with it generally. just because i know what it used to be like for me and i am really pleased to have come this far. thank you for your kind words of encouragement alexandra! ❤️❤️❤️ |
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Post by goldilocks on Oct 14, 2018 8:28:42 GMT
You are walking your own path which is mostly uncharted.
I think you are doing well, as you are growing and learning a lot through all of your experiences.
❤️
But function and dysfunction exists only within the context of roles and culture. A person who would be dysfunctional as a spouse in a close knit couple expected to socialize as a couple, have children together and running a shared household might be quite functional as a good friend or in a living apart together love relationship.
Even normal people today in the western world would not be functional as a spouse in 1750's France or 1920's India. Function is relative.
Is everyone then equally healthy? I don't think so.
Some people have a wider range of roles and styles they can function is, and this have more choice of relationships and how they relate with others. That is definitely an increased freedom, and in my opinion greater freedom is greater health.
It sounds like you have not fully decided on your desired roles, but you are definitely highly functional as a mother, an entrepreneur, and a close friend.
❤️
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Post by Deleted on Oct 14, 2018 19:10:11 GMT
You are walking your own path which is mostly uncharted. I think you are doing well, as you are growing and learning a lot through all of your experiences. ❤️ But function and dysfunction exists only within the context of roles and culture. A person who would be dysfunctional as a spouse in a close knit couple expected to socialize as a couple, have children together and running a shared household might be quite functional as a good friend or in a living apart together love relationship. Even normal people today in the western world would not be functional as a spouse in 1750's France or 1920's India. Function is relative. Is everyone then equally healthy? I don't think so. Some people have a wider range of roles and styles they can function is, and this have more choice of relationships and how they relate with others. That is definitely an increased freedom, and in my opinion greater freedom is greater health. It sounds like you have not fully decided on your desired roles, but you are definitely highly functional as a mother, an entrepreneur, and a close friend. ❤️ what i like, is choosing my roles and learning who and how and what i want to be in them, instead of living a script. and i like finding out what i can do- that i can challenge myself and change and grow. it doesn't have to happen in everyone else around me, i get to choose how it happens in me. i used to feel stuck but now i don't. |
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Post by epicgum on Nov 1, 2018 20:25:33 GMT
I forget to eat, forget to drink, forget to sleep, forget to be social. ...etc..
I think it comes down to being totally out of touch with your own needs and being unable to Express them even to yourself.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2018 21:58:33 GMT
I forget to eat, forget to drink, forget to sleep, forget to be social. ...etc.. I think it comes down to being totally out of touch with your own needs and being unable to Express them even to yourself. yep, just shut down. awful  |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2018 14:30:58 GMT
Not DA but when I deactivate I... fly out of my body. I don't feel connected even though I might feel more grounded-it is an illusion. I don't feel hunger, I don't feel pain. I can immerse myself in a project and focus on that but I won't remember to do small everyday things (if I do I'm very slow). Once I forgot I was holding a cup, so I let it fall.
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