Post by Yakob on Apr 15, 2017 12:16:02 GMT
I met this girl 5 months ago, introduced through friends. Wasn't expecting it but I fell hard quite quickly, but tried to play it reasonably cool. My last GF was 4 years and was a long dragged out break up, although i've dated this is the first girl I have allowed myself to feel like this with since. (might come into play :/)
We met in November, dated a lot up until Christmas and both knew it was moving fast, but were enjoying it. Then I went away for Christmas but we remained in close communication over the holidays. In January I was staying a few hours away from her for a month and she drove down twice to see me for the weekends. All these first two months were great, but I was feeling anxious a lot, looking back on it I think partly because i was terrified at feeling this feeling again and opening myself up to getting hurt. Also, although we were enjoying time together she had already shown a lot of what I now know to possibly be AvPD and Emotionally Unavailable traits. She would drive three hours to see me only to then close herself off immediately playing on phone, then be affectionate then suddenly pull away again. I thought it was nerves at first. So after January when we were back living in the same city, things were great for a few days, then she pulled away. I'd become a bit used to her inconsistency with contact, but once we were living in the same city and had dated for 2.5months the hot cold intensified.
We had a few discussions over the next month or so about what we wanted and we made it pretty clear to each other that we really liked one another. She was very open about finding relationships difficult and that she wants to carry on dating, exclusively but not with labels. I agreed, which was genuinely fine. Then after this conversation she would be relaxed and actually act very close for a while, then retreat again a week later. This cycle repeated every 2-3 weeks, same conversation, same closeness after followed by a pull away. The times it were worse were just before Valentines and her birthday (the latter being two weeks ago when she finally ended it). These specific times she felt the pressure of relationship expectations. After valentines had passed and she'd purposefully gone away for a spa with a friend, she was back and very keen again immediately after. She had said to me that she has never felt this comfortable with another guy and that she is scared and that she is aware of the emotional barriers she has up. We continued to date like this through March, although only seeing each other about once a week. The longer we dated the more pressure she felt.
She only worked 15 mins from my flat but most nights would go home 1hr+ away. I began to find it a bit strange that although she said she had these strong feelings and felt so comfortable with me, then why was she wanting to spend less and less time with me. I didn't react to this at all until one morning she did stay around and when she was leaving I thought that i actually have no idea when I will see her next and it drove me to talk about it. Very calmly to be honest. But just saying to her that i don't need to see her all time, but i do want more of her time and to understand and feel connected to her more. I said think about things for a week or so and i'll give you space. She agreed, but then stayed another hour or so and being very affectionate. After a week I text her saying i hoped she was having a good week. She immediately contacted me saying she was glad i text and then called for an hour that evening. So she pulled me back into contact and things were good for a few days and then we spoke seriously one more time about relationship, with the same outcome as all other times. But at this point I had read up about AvPD etc and felt comfortable how to move forward and felt i understood her behaviour better.
So during that conversation, we had spoken about her birthday and she hinted at being free on the night of her birthday so I said perhaps i'll take her out. She said maybe. Then a couple days later we meet up, drinks, she stays round i mention birthday and she ignores completely changes subject. That weekend she is away and on her return calls me up. This is when things turned sour, i mention the birthday as it was 4 days away and i'd have wanted to make a plan. She freaks out about this and shouts, first time i'd heard her like that. Says i don't want to do anything i don't want the pressure. I calm her down and then we end conversation. She calls up next evening for a normal conversation and texts a bit over next couple of days then she comes round on the thursday. Very nervous and i knew something was up. She said i can't do this, i have really strong feelings for you and I know I will regret this in a few months. But i know i will hurt you and probably already am. I asked her what had changed since our conversation only 6days earlier. She said nothing, but we can't pretend it isn't serious, we both have feelings for each other and have been dating a while now, and I just can't handle it. She was crying quite a bit, but i accepted it and let her go.
She text me saying I wish it could have worked out but thought this was for the best and that she is going to really miss me. Then her birthday came and I sent her a card and present, nothing overly dramatic. She was grateful, but just a thanks and thats all i heard from her since break up 2weeks ago. A few days ago i sent an email, having collected my thoughts. It was very relaxed and was just to say that i understand if you really don't want to be in any relationship at all with me, i understand your need for space and independence. But if it was fear and/or pressure you felt then give me a call and we can talk. Anytime. That i would rather spend small amount of time with her and go at her pace than move on. But it was all very light really not implying any pressure. Offering her an open door really and saying i understand (i don't really, entirely) but i am not upset with her. Anyway, no response to this. She seems to have cut off her emotions to this situation entirely. And I am worried she will just accept she can't do this and I won't have the chance to spend time with her now I understand her attachment style better.
Should I pursue further, gently? If I accept its over, should I try and help point her in the direction of AvPD help? If you suffer from AvPD, what do you think is going through her head now? How long does it take usually after this that her anxieties/worry might settle to clarity?
Thanks
We met in November, dated a lot up until Christmas and both knew it was moving fast, but were enjoying it. Then I went away for Christmas but we remained in close communication over the holidays. In January I was staying a few hours away from her for a month and she drove down twice to see me for the weekends. All these first two months were great, but I was feeling anxious a lot, looking back on it I think partly because i was terrified at feeling this feeling again and opening myself up to getting hurt. Also, although we were enjoying time together she had already shown a lot of what I now know to possibly be AvPD and Emotionally Unavailable traits. She would drive three hours to see me only to then close herself off immediately playing on phone, then be affectionate then suddenly pull away again. I thought it was nerves at first. So after January when we were back living in the same city, things were great for a few days, then she pulled away. I'd become a bit used to her inconsistency with contact, but once we were living in the same city and had dated for 2.5months the hot cold intensified.
We had a few discussions over the next month or so about what we wanted and we made it pretty clear to each other that we really liked one another. She was very open about finding relationships difficult and that she wants to carry on dating, exclusively but not with labels. I agreed, which was genuinely fine. Then after this conversation she would be relaxed and actually act very close for a while, then retreat again a week later. This cycle repeated every 2-3 weeks, same conversation, same closeness after followed by a pull away. The times it were worse were just before Valentines and her birthday (the latter being two weeks ago when she finally ended it). These specific times she felt the pressure of relationship expectations. After valentines had passed and she'd purposefully gone away for a spa with a friend, she was back and very keen again immediately after. She had said to me that she has never felt this comfortable with another guy and that she is scared and that she is aware of the emotional barriers she has up. We continued to date like this through March, although only seeing each other about once a week. The longer we dated the more pressure she felt.
She only worked 15 mins from my flat but most nights would go home 1hr+ away. I began to find it a bit strange that although she said she had these strong feelings and felt so comfortable with me, then why was she wanting to spend less and less time with me. I didn't react to this at all until one morning she did stay around and when she was leaving I thought that i actually have no idea when I will see her next and it drove me to talk about it. Very calmly to be honest. But just saying to her that i don't need to see her all time, but i do want more of her time and to understand and feel connected to her more. I said think about things for a week or so and i'll give you space. She agreed, but then stayed another hour or so and being very affectionate. After a week I text her saying i hoped she was having a good week. She immediately contacted me saying she was glad i text and then called for an hour that evening. So she pulled me back into contact and things were good for a few days and then we spoke seriously one more time about relationship, with the same outcome as all other times. But at this point I had read up about AvPD etc and felt comfortable how to move forward and felt i understood her behaviour better.
So during that conversation, we had spoken about her birthday and she hinted at being free on the night of her birthday so I said perhaps i'll take her out. She said maybe. Then a couple days later we meet up, drinks, she stays round i mention birthday and she ignores completely changes subject. That weekend she is away and on her return calls me up. This is when things turned sour, i mention the birthday as it was 4 days away and i'd have wanted to make a plan. She freaks out about this and shouts, first time i'd heard her like that. Says i don't want to do anything i don't want the pressure. I calm her down and then we end conversation. She calls up next evening for a normal conversation and texts a bit over next couple of days then she comes round on the thursday. Very nervous and i knew something was up. She said i can't do this, i have really strong feelings for you and I know I will regret this in a few months. But i know i will hurt you and probably already am. I asked her what had changed since our conversation only 6days earlier. She said nothing, but we can't pretend it isn't serious, we both have feelings for each other and have been dating a while now, and I just can't handle it. She was crying quite a bit, but i accepted it and let her go.
She text me saying I wish it could have worked out but thought this was for the best and that she is going to really miss me. Then her birthday came and I sent her a card and present, nothing overly dramatic. She was grateful, but just a thanks and thats all i heard from her since break up 2weeks ago. A few days ago i sent an email, having collected my thoughts. It was very relaxed and was just to say that i understand if you really don't want to be in any relationship at all with me, i understand your need for space and independence. But if it was fear and/or pressure you felt then give me a call and we can talk. Anytime. That i would rather spend small amount of time with her and go at her pace than move on. But it was all very light really not implying any pressure. Offering her an open door really and saying i understand (i don't really, entirely) but i am not upset with her. Anyway, no response to this. She seems to have cut off her emotions to this situation entirely. And I am worried she will just accept she can't do this and I won't have the chance to spend time with her now I understand her attachment style better.
Should I pursue further, gently? If I accept its over, should I try and help point her in the direction of AvPD help? If you suffer from AvPD, what do you think is going through her head now? How long does it take usually after this that her anxieties/worry might settle to clarity?
Thanks
