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Post by yojimbo on Oct 4, 2018 16:51:38 GMT
I was told that I may have been dating someone that is Fearful-Avoidant so I came here to share my story.
I started seeing a woman (29) who had a history of being bullied while younger, which led to social anxiety that she worked on quite a bit and having only one relationship that lasted four years with someone who was bi-polar and pretty mentally abusive. We met online, she was pretty open about it all. Talked everyday and for hours for weeks before meeting, the connection was great. After date two she said she needs to move slow because she fears getting caught up in something abusive like that again. Our dates were great though she often would have moments of appearing very nervous or guarded. Often sat a space away from me or turned her body a bit away. She would deflect or ignore compliments. One time she told me i seem very stable and put together while she has a lot of issues. I said her issues (anxiety and trust issues) are in no way deal breakers and she said too be fair i didnt know everything. I said she can tell me when shes ready and she said itd best be done in person. She never did. Anyways moving slow, we didnt hug till date 4, and i kissed her on the cheek on 6. Eventually we discussed being closer and she said it only hasnt happened yet because she doesnt know how to initiate it. Anyways, two dates later i went in for the kiss after a day in the city at the aquarium, she rejected it saying there was too many people which i have seen hints of her having a public affection fear so I said it was okay, we hugged, i asked if shed come over this week she said yes. Next day and a half i hear nothing from her.
Yesterday she sent me a message saying she cant continue this as she doesnt see it going further. She said I should be with someone who isnt so broken, and doesnt spend dates lamenting past issues (we discussed on the last date her anxiety, and she sisters bad moods). I told her I don't have a problem with her at all and ive never liked anyone more. She then changed her reason to she hasnt felt the spark. I tried to talk to her and she would tell me shes "fucked up" and im dodging a bullet, but again would say its just shes not feeling it. Felt like i got two stories. I was confused why she kept telling me shes not as good as i think she is and im dodging bullet if it was simply she didnt feel anything. She said shes sorry she spent so long with me, she thought shed grow in to the feelings and was confused if it was no spark or her battling her issues with her ex. Told me i deserve someone who doesnt have a problem kissing me for two months. I asked her to tell me why she thinks she is such a disaster, thinking shed finally tell me what this bad issues are. She said her life is in shambles because she is almsot 30 and lives at home, has debt, her room is a mess like a hoarders, she is a bitch with a temper like her dad and sister, and her sister doesnt talk to her. I thought this all sounded not unusual. I tried to fight for her but in the end she was gone.
This is the hardest break-up ive gone through despite it not being so long. I have never liked anyone more and i feel like i have such little closure. I'm not sure if she was only being nervous because she didnt want me, or if her aversions would happen with anyone else. If she really didnt feel a spark or if she is just feeling to broken for me. But why try dating someone else then, and why be with me for that length of time, why do that last date then. She couldnt have been so repulsed by me and felt no spark for two months, thats insane. Did her attachment issues stop a connection and she thought it was me. Was I too nervous when she was and im too blame for not being able to show my complete self. Was i too great and shes sabotaging. Why is she saying shes not great like i think. I dont understand, and i fell so hard for her. I felt we had awesome chemistry despite some periods of nervousness - we had so much in common, i dont get how its not thing to her.
So all i know is - bullied bad, developed social anxiety, met bad first boyfriend at 24 for four years. Starts seeing me, first relationship since the ex. Seems nervous and sometimes cold, but ultimately treats me well, we have a lot in common. Tells me she has a fear of getting emotionally close to quickly, has to be cautious. Starts to seem less interested but still comes around and talks each day. More and more dates. Hug, kiss on cheek, discuss being closer. Another date. Next date has her describe her sister will ignore her for weeks over a disagreement, dad has a temper, mom has learned to be more passive agressive, but this girl doesnt try to get in to that stuff, wants to be better, gets upset saying she doesnt want to talk about it anymore. Day and a half later she says shes too broken and for me, i say shes fine, she tells me there is no chemistry and shes sorry she waited so long to see and that i developed feelings for her.
So either: A) Didnt like me, only seemed anxious cause of that. B) Really liked me and felt she wasnt good enough for me C) Liked me and got triggered by me getting to close D) I was too nervous around her, didnt show my best self and lost her. To see me for that long and then imply i was nothing...
Does anyone have some insight in to this? I just wish i understood.
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Post by leavethelighton on Oct 5, 2018 0:10:49 GMT
I don't think we can know which of those things is true--ultimately you have to accept that there are some things you can't really know... but I know it is hard to face that when you really wish the other person was on the same page.
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 5, 2018 2:42:02 GMT
I agree with leavethelighton...this is a matter where we cannot know her innermost thoughts and motives. I know you are in a lot of pain and are seeking answers to questions about her behavior and that is normal...but I would like to extend an invite to share more about yourself. What is your attachment? |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 8, 2018 19:54:20 GMT
I was told that I may have been dating someone that is Fearful-Avoidant so I came here to share my story. I started seeing a woman (29) who had a history of being bullied while younger, which led to social anxiety that she worked on quite a bit and having only one relationship that lasted four years with someone who was bi-polar and pretty mentally abusive. We met online, she was pretty open about it all. Talked everyday and for hours for weeks before meeting, the connection was great. After date two she said she needs to move slow because she fears getting caught up in something abusive like that again. Our dates were great though she often would have moments of appearing very nervous or guarded. Often sat a space away from me or turned her body a bit away. She would deflect or ignore compliments. One time she told me i seem very stable and put together while she has a lot of issues. I said her issues (anxiety and trust issues) are in no way deal breakers and she said too be fair i didnt know everything. I said she can tell me when shes ready and she said itd best be done in person. She never did. Anyways moving slow, we didnt hug till date 4, and i kissed her on the cheek on 6. Eventually we discussed being closer and she said it only hasnt happened yet because she doesnt know how to initiate it. Anyways, two dates later i went in for the kiss after a day in the city at the aquarium, she rejected it saying there was too many people which i have seen hints of her having a public affection fear so I said it was okay, we hugged, i asked if shed come over this week she said yes. Next day and a half i hear nothing from her. Yesterday she sent me a message saying she cant continue this as she doesnt see it going further. She said I should be with someone who isnt so broken, and doesnt spend dates lamenting past issues (we discussed on the last date her anxiety, and she sisters bad moods). I told her I don't have a problem with her at all and ive never liked anyone more. She then changed her reason to she hasnt felt the spark. I tried to talk to her and she would tell me shes "fucked up" and im dodging a bullet, but again would say its just shes not feeling it. Felt like i got two stories. I was confused why she kept telling me shes not as good as i think she is and im dodging bullet if it was simply she didnt feel anything. She said shes sorry she spent so long with me, she thought shed grow in to the feelings and was confused if it was no spark or her battling her issues with her ex. Told me i deserve someone who doesnt have a problem kissing me for two months. I asked her to tell me why she thinks she is such a disaster, thinking shed finally tell me what this bad issues are. She said her life is in shambles because she is almsot 30 and lives at home, has debt, her room is a mess like a hoarders, she is a bitch with a temper like her dad and sister, and her sister doesnt talk to her. I thought this all sounded not unusual. I tried to fight for her but in the end she was gone. This is the hardest break-up ive gone through despite it not being so long. I have never liked anyone more and i feel like i have such little closure. I'm not sure if she was only being nervous because she didnt want me, or if her aversions would happen with anyone else. If she really didnt feel a spark or if she is just feeling to broken for me. But why try dating someone else then, and why be with me for that length of time, why do that last date then. She couldnt have been so repulsed by me and felt no spark for two months, thats insane. Did her attachment issues stop a connection and she thought it was me. Was I too nervous when she was and im too blame for not being able to show my complete self. Was i too great and shes sabotaging. Why is she saying shes not great like i think. I dont understand, and i fell so hard for her. I felt we had awesome chemistry despite some periods of nervousness - we had so much in common, i dont get how its not thing to her. So all i know is - bullied bad, developed social anxiety, met bad first boyfriend at 24 for four years. Starts seeing me, first relationship since the ex. Seems nervous and sometimes cold, but ultimately treats me well, we have a lot in common. Tells me she has a fear of getting emotionally close to quickly, has to be cautious. Starts to seem less interested but still comes around and talks each day. More and more dates. Hug, kiss on cheek, discuss being closer. Another date. Next date has her describe her sister will ignore her for weeks over a disagreement, dad has a temper, mom has learned to be more passive agressive, but this girl doesnt try to get in to that stuff, wants to be better, gets upset saying she doesnt want to talk about it anymore. Day and a half later she says shes too broken and for me, i say shes fine, she tells me there is no chemistry and shes sorry she waited so long to see and that i developed feelings for her. So either: A) Didnt like me, only seemed anxious cause of that. B) Really liked me and felt she wasnt good enough for me C) Liked me and got triggered by me getting to close D) I was too nervous around her, didnt show my best self and lost her. To see me for that long and then imply i was nothing... Does anyone have some insight in to this? I just wish i understood.
I'm sorry you're struggling with this, because I've been there with self-blame and it's very upsetting. However, I'm wondering why you don't take her at her word? It definitely sounds like she isn't ready for a relationship and is messed up and telling you the truth. If someone has low self-esteem and baggage they haven't addressed yet, it doesn't matter how great you think they are, they do not see themselves the same way. I've read several articles about how one of the biggest red flags a person can give you is saying they're not good enough for you, or any variation on that ("She said I should be with someone who isnt so broken.") You should absolutely believe a person who tells you this because the feeling is coming from inside them and you can't "save" them. There is nothing you can do to change that for them. In fact, if self-esteem is low enough, she may sincerely believe she is doing you a favor. This is not a situation where love can overcome all, because it actually has nothing to do with you and what you've done. It has to do with where she is at in her journey. She acknowledges that she has problems, and likely thought she'd just try something different to see if they'd go away because she likes you. However, if the person doesn't understand that the problems aren't actually related to the other person, they are internal, just changing surface behavior still results in the same patterns and cycling, even if it takes a bit longer than normal to get to. Making small changes to behavior on the surface doesn't get to the deep wounding that may result in insecure attachment.
My question for you is, why are you trying to take responsibility for her feelings and what is driving your attraction to someone so emotionally unavailable to you? Are you able to pause wondering about her motivations for this and focus on yourself and your own motivations while you process the breakup?
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Post by yojimbo on Oct 11, 2018 19:13:41 GMT
I was told that I may have been dating someone that is Fearful-Avoidant so I came here to share my story. I started seeing a woman (29) who had a history of being bullied while younger, which led to social anxiety that she worked on quite a bit and having only one relationship that lasted four years with someone who was bi-polar and pretty mentally abusive. We met online, she was pretty open about it all. Talked everyday and for hours for weeks before meeting, the connection was great. After date two she said she needs to move slow because she fears getting caught up in something abusive like that again. Our dates were great though she often would have moments of appearing very nervous or guarded. Often sat a space away from me or turned her body a bit away. She would deflect or ignore compliments. One time she told me i seem very stable and put together while she has a lot of issues. I said her issues (anxiety and trust issues) are in no way deal breakers and she said too be fair i didnt know everything. I said she can tell me when shes ready and she said itd best be done in person. She never did. Anyways moving slow, we didnt hug till date 4, and i kissed her on the cheek on 6. Eventually we discussed being closer and she said it only hasnt happened yet because she doesnt know how to initiate it. Anyways, two dates later i went in for the kiss after a day in the city at the aquarium, she rejected it saying there was too many people which i have seen hints of her having a public affection fear so I said it was okay, we hugged, i asked if shed come over this week she said yes. Next day and a half i hear nothing from her. Yesterday she sent me a message saying she cant continue this as she doesnt see it going further. She said I should be with someone who isnt so broken, and doesnt spend dates lamenting past issues (we discussed on the last date her anxiety, and she sisters bad moods). I told her I don't have a problem with her at all and ive never liked anyone more. She then changed her reason to she hasnt felt the spark. I tried to talk to her and she would tell me shes "fucked up" and im dodging a bullet, but again would say its just shes not feeling it. Felt like i got two stories. I was confused why she kept telling me shes not as good as i think she is and im dodging bullet if it was simply she didnt feel anything. She said shes sorry she spent so long with me, she thought shed grow in to the feelings and was confused if it was no spark or her battling her issues with her ex. Told me i deserve someone who doesnt have a problem kissing me for two months. I asked her to tell me why she thinks she is such a disaster, thinking shed finally tell me what this bad issues are. She said her life is in shambles because she is almsot 30 and lives at home, has debt, her room is a mess like a hoarders, she is a bitch with a temper like her dad and sister, and her sister doesnt talk to her. I thought this all sounded not unusual. I tried to fight for her but in the end she was gone. This is the hardest break-up ive gone through despite it not being so long. I have never liked anyone more and i feel like i have such little closure. I'm not sure if she was only being nervous because she didnt want me, or if her aversions would happen with anyone else. If she really didnt feel a spark or if she is just feeling to broken for me. But why try dating someone else then, and why be with me for that length of time, why do that last date then. She couldnt have been so repulsed by me and felt no spark for two months, thats insane. Did her attachment issues stop a connection and she thought it was me. Was I too nervous when she was and im too blame for not being able to show my complete self. Was i too great and shes sabotaging. Why is she saying shes not great like i think. I dont understand, and i fell so hard for her. I felt we had awesome chemistry despite some periods of nervousness - we had so much in common, i dont get how its not thing to her. So all i know is - bullied bad, developed social anxiety, met bad first boyfriend at 24 for four years. Starts seeing me, first relationship since the ex. Seems nervous and sometimes cold, but ultimately treats me well, we have a lot in common. Tells me she has a fear of getting emotionally close to quickly, has to be cautious. Starts to seem less interested but still comes around and talks each day. More and more dates. Hug, kiss on cheek, discuss being closer. Another date. Next date has her describe her sister will ignore her for weeks over a disagreement, dad has a temper, mom has learned to be more passive agressive, but this girl doesnt try to get in to that stuff, wants to be better, gets upset saying she doesnt want to talk about it anymore. Day and a half later she says shes too broken and for me, i say shes fine, she tells me there is no chemistry and shes sorry she waited so long to see and that i developed feelings for her. So either: A) Didnt like me, only seemed anxious cause of that. B) Really liked me and felt she wasnt good enough for me C) Liked me and got triggered by me getting to close D) I was too nervous around her, didnt show my best self and lost her. To see me for that long and then imply i was nothing... Does anyone have some insight in to this? I just wish i understood.
I'm sorry you're struggling with this, because I've been there with self-blame and it's very upsetting. However, I'm wondering why you don't take her at her word? It definitely sounds like she isn't ready for a relationship and is messed up and telling you the truth. If someone has low self-esteem and baggage they haven't addressed yet, it doesn't matter how great you think they are, they do not see themselves the same way. I've read several articles about how one of the biggest red flags a person can give you is saying they're not good enough for you, or any variation on that ("She said I should be with someone who isnt so broken.") You should absolutely believe a person who tells you this because the feeling is coming from inside them and you can't "save" them. There is nothing you can do to change that for them. In fact, if self-esteem is low enough, she may sincerely believe she is doing you a favor. This is not a situation where love can overcome all, because it actually has nothing to do with you and what you've done. It has to do with where she is at in her journey. She acknowledges that she has problems, and likely thought she'd just try something different to see if they'd go away because she likes you. However, if the person doesn't understand that the problems aren't actually related to the other person, they are internal, just changing surface behavior still results in the same patterns and cycling, even if it takes a bit longer than normal to get to. Making small changes to behavior on the surface doesn't get to the deep wounding that may result in insecure attachment.
My question for you is, why are you trying to take responsibility for her feelings and what is driving your attraction to someone so emotionally unavailable to you? Are you able to pause wondering about her motivations for this and focus on yourself and your own motivations while you process the breakup?
My issue was our time together was wonderful, and I never felt any issues, so i feel like im losing someone i felt a rare connection with and i dont get why. To have her out of nowhere start referring to herself as terrible was upsetting to me as she is not. She mentioned lamenting her past issues on our dates. I think thats fine, its just learning about one another and its important for me to know. Ive been left confused however, when she switched the reason to lack of chemistry which i dont see as possible after the months we had. I don't know if something terrible happened to her that sent her downward in to self destruction as she was fine one day, vanished the next and then did this. If she wanted to leave for my sake, because she thinks she is not good enough, I want to show her that I think she is and support her because I see an incredible person who had someone trick them in to thinking they are not. My attraction to her is from the time we shared, where she did not seem emotionally unavailable. And I never found out what those "issues" are she wanted to tell me in person sometime were. It seems like PTSD to me with her touch avoidance, trust issues, and low self esteem. So im hurt at the break-up, hurt more on top of that because ive never enjoyed someones company more, and im hurt even more at the idea that she just thinks that about herself. |
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Post by writerguy on Oct 13, 2018 16:12:03 GMT
I'm sorry you're struggling with this, because I've been there with self-blame and it's very upsetting. However, I'm wondering why you don't take her at her word? It definitely sounds like she isn't ready for a relationship and is messed up and telling you the truth. If someone has low self-esteem and baggage they haven't addressed yet, it doesn't matter how great you think they are, they do not see themselves the same way. I've read several articles about how one of the biggest red flags a person can give you is saying they're not good enough for you, or any variation on that ("She said I should be with someone who isnt so broken.") You should absolutely believe a person who tells you this because the feeling is coming from inside them and you can't "save" them. There is nothing you can do to change that for them. In fact, if self-esteem is low enough, she may sincerely believe she is doing you a favor. This is not a situation where love can overcome all, because it actually has nothing to do with you and what you've done. It has to do with where she is at in her journey. She acknowledges that she has problems, and likely thought she'd just try something different to see if they'd go away because she likes you. However, if the person doesn't understand that the problems aren't actually related to the other person, they are internal, just changing surface behavior still results in the same patterns and cycling, even if it takes a bit longer than normal to get to. Making small changes to behavior on the surface doesn't get to the deep wounding that may result in insecure attachment.
My question for you is, why are you trying to take responsibility for her feelings and what is driving your attraction to someone so emotionally unavailable to you? Are you able to pause wondering about her motivations for this and focus on yourself and your own motivations while you process the breakup?
My issue was our time together was wonderful, and I never felt any issues, so i feel like im losing someone i felt a rare connection with and i dont get why. To have her out of nowhere start referring to herself as terrible was upsetting to me as she is not. She mentioned lamenting her past issues on our dates. I think thats fine, its just learning about one another and its important for me to know. Ive been left confused however, when she switched the reason to lack of chemistry which i dont see as possible after the months we had. I don't know if something terrible happened to her that sent her downward in to self destruction as she was fine one day, vanished the next and then did this. If she wanted to leave for my sake, because she thinks she is not good enough, I want to show her that I think she is and support her because I see an incredible person who had someone trick them in to thinking they are not. My attraction to her is from the time we shared, where she did not seem emotionally unavailable. And I never found out what those "issues" are she wanted to tell me in person sometime were. It seems like PTSD to me with her touch avoidance, trust issues, and low self esteem. So im hurt at the break-up, hurt more on top of that because ive never enjoyed someones company more, and im hurt even more at the idea that she just thinks that about herself. I know it hurts - believe me, I've been through it for years - but, ultimately, you have to take her at her word that she can't be in a relationship and that she's a broken person. No matter how great you are to her, you can't fill that empty self-esteem...only she can do that. My ex told me similar things through the years as we went through cycles of together - with great chemistry and common interests - and apart. She would tell me "I'm a broken person" and "I'm no good at relationships" and "I'm a square peg in a round hole in life." I thought it was just cries for reassurance. But she was telling the truth and I was refusing to listen. I finally did and it was painful to let her go. Just know that you can't "love" and person into being better or thinking better about themselves. You can't "love" away her issues for her...she has to do that for herself and WANT to do that for herself. Just be lucky that you've gotten to this point after a few months and not a few years. Be well. |
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