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Post by faithopelove on Oct 8, 2018 0:23:15 GMT
Hi friends- My FA ex and I have been casually seeing each other for 10 months and are no closer to reconciliation. He knows I desire more but he told me he’s afraid to trust and feels incapable of being in a relationship. I also see signs of depression.
My reaching out and being with him physically has brought us no closer to reconciliation, as he hasn’t worked on himself. I feel at this point I’m probably enabling his distancing behavior and allowing him to behave at this very low level of functioning.
My question- should I just go silent and start no contact or should I have a heart to heart talk with him first, then be prepared to walk? I’m the one to initiate texts so if I don’t reach out, then I probably won’t hear from him...at least for a very long time. (And no contact would sever all ties since he doesn’t do social media and he have no mutual friends.) Thanks in advance for any advice 💗
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 8, 2018 1:21:20 GMT
faithopelove ..what do you want to do? What would make sense for you? Take him out of the equation for a moment and sit with yourself....are you ok with things as they are even if nothing changes? If the answer is no..then what do you need to change in the dynamic? Can you see him without being swayed back into physical intimacy? Are you able to spend time with him as a "friend" and be ok with it or would you only be friends in order to hopefully date again? If the second one is true..then does it make sense to see him if you are at different places? I pose these questions because I know all too well the myriad of questions, fears and desires to reconcile and the many ways that I was putting what I thought B needed before my own needs. It took over a year before things clicked and now I am on a break from thecommunity he and I attended. I am not doing this to punish him...I am doing this to take care of myself. It is not easy...the if onlys do not die just because I don't seeB...however....my life is vastly calmer overall because I am not swirling in stories about him and I can prioritize things that are important to me. I have not put a time limit on this break and I do reach out from time to time as a way to keep things friendly...but I won't see him....because I know what that means for me and I would rather have peace within myself then drama trying to win someone back. Whatever you decide...put yourself first....and then trust your decision. Because self compassion and love and trust are empowering. Cyber hugs.
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 8, 2018 1:54:34 GMT
faithopelove ..what do you want to do? What would make sense for you? Take him out of the equation for a moment and sit with yourself....are you ok with things as they are even if nothing changes? If the answer is no..then what do you need to change in the dynamic? Can you see him without being swayed back into physical intimacy? Are you able to spend time with him as a "friend" and be ok with it or would you only be friends in order to hopefully date again? If the second one is true..then does it make sense to see him if you are at different places? I pose these questions because I know all too well the myriad of questions, fears and desires to reconcile and the many ways that I was putting what I thought B needed before my own needs. It took over a year before things clicked and now I am on a break from thecommunity he and I attended. I am not doing this to punish him...I am doing this to take care of myself. It is not easy...the if onlys do not die just because I don't seeB...however....my life is vastly calmer overall because I am not swirling in stories about him and I can prioritize things that are important to me. I have not put a time limit on this break and I do reach out from time to time as a way to keep things friendly...but I won't see him....because I know what that means for me and I would rather have peace within myself then drama trying to win someone back. Whatever you decide...put yourself first....and then trust your decision. Because self compassion and love and trust are empowering. Cyber hugs. Thanks for your reply 🙂 yes, I read your responses and found our situations to be very similar. I understand exactly where you’re coming from...and it sounds like you found a happy medium for yourself in your current place. I can see letting go even temporarily would foster peace and lower the preoccupation with B. I’m definitely not satisfied in a purely physical relationship with S. Although I don’t think he ever means to hurt me- even Thurs night he was probably confused about my text when I mentioned the distance between us is hard- I do feel hurt by his avoidance. It’s very hard to go from being the gf he loved and wanted to marry to a “friends with benefits” relationship. I was hoping it would draw us closer...as far as being just friends? That would be hard for me bc of my feelings- I don’t think I could at this time, as my feelings would remain activated. Plus, he’s an introvert and I don’t think he would be bothered simply being friends. He has almost no social needs. It is a lot of work and effort trying to “win” him over, which makes me think I should stop efforting and let go- see what happens. It’s hard for me to sever ties but it’s also hard for me to see him as this distant shell of a person he’s become. So...I feel like I’m in Limbo Land. I feel he must have some thoughts of being with me again or he wouldn’t even bother seeing me at a all- it would be less complicated to be physical with someone else without a shared history- he had always deleted ex’s numbers in the past- not mine, so I feel deep down in his fearful soul that he is holding onto hope...which feeds my hope. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 8, 2018 11:18:12 GMT
faithopelove ..what do you want to do? What would make sense for you? Take him out of the equation for a moment and sit with yourself....are you ok with things as they are even if nothing changes? If the answer is no..then what do you need to change in the dynamic? Can you see him without being swayed back into physical intimacy? Are you able to spend time with him as a "friend" and be ok with it or would you only be friends in order to hopefully date again? If the second one is true..then does it make sense to see him if you are at different places? I pose these questions because I know all too well the myriad of questions, fears and desires to reconcile and the many ways that I was putting what I thought B needed before my own needs. It took over a year before things clicked and now I am on a break from thecommunity he and I attended. I am not doing this to punish him...I am doing this to take care of myself. It is not easy...the if onlys do not die just because I don't seeB...however....my life is vastly calmer overall because I am not swirling in stories about him and I can prioritize things that are important to me. I have not put a time limit on this break and I do reach out from time to time as a way to keep things friendly...but I won't see him....because I know what that means for me and I would rather have peace within myself then drama trying to win someone back. Whatever you decide...put yourself first....and then trust your decision. Because self compassion and love and trust are empowering. Cyber hugs. Thanks for your reply 🙂 yes, I read your responses and found our situations to be very similar. I understand exactly where you’re coming from...and it sounds like you found a happy medium for yourself in your current place. I can see letting go even temporarily would foster peace and lower the preoccupation with B. I’m definitely not satisfied in a purely physical relationship with S. Although I don’t think he ever means to hurt me- even Thurs night he was probably confused about my text when I mentioned the distance between us is hard- I do feel hurt by his avoidance. It’s very hard to go from being the gf he loved and wanted to marry to a “friends with benefits” relationship. I was hoping it would draw us closer...as far as being just friends? That would be hard for me bc of my feelings- I don’t think I could at this time, as my feelings would remain activated. Plus, he’s an introvert and I don’t think he would be bothered simply being friends. He has almost no social needs. It is a lot of work and effort trying to “win” him over, which makes me think I should stop efforting and let go- see what happens. It’s hard for me to sever ties but it’s also hard for me to see him as this distant shell of a person he’s become. So...I feel like I’m in Limbo Land. I feel he must have some thoughts of being with me again or he wouldn’t even bother seeing me at a all- it would be less complicated to be physical with someone else without a shared history- he had always deleted ex’s numbers in the past- not mine, so I feel deep down in his fearful soul that he is holding onto hope...which feeds my hope. I understand the feeling of hope...Holding onto text messages is very different from showing through actionable steps that you want tobe with someone. You are obviously special to him....but currently he can't provide you with what you need and holding on "just in case" is going to keep you swirling. Sometimes you have to let go and let the other person step up...and if he doesn't...then he will always be someone special to you as well, but that allows your heart to grieve and move on. |
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