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Post by faithopelove on Oct 8, 2018 0:41:40 GMT
Hi friends- my ex is an avoidant so I thought your perspective may be helpful.
My ex and I have been casually seeing each other for 10 months and are no closer to reconciliation. He knows I desire more but he told me he’s afraid to trust and feels incapable of being in a relationship. He says that he doesn’t mean to be hard on me but he’s not “normal.” I also see signs of depression.
My reaching out and being with him physically has brought us no closer to reconciliation, as he hasn’t worked on himself. I feel at this point I’m probably enabling his distancing behavior and allowing him to behave at this low level of functioning. I thought seeing him would build trust- which seems to be the crux of his issues, but I don’t know if my thinking is flawed on how to build trust.
My question- how to proceed in this gridlock? Should I just go silent and start no contact or should I have a heart to heart talk with him first, then be prepared to walk? Other ideas? I’m the one to initiate texts so if I don’t reach out, then I probably won’t hear from him...at least for a very long time. (And no contact would sever all ties since he doesn’t do social media and he have no mutual friends.
Thanks in advance for any advice 💗
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Post by writerguy on Oct 8, 2018 2:11:04 GMT
Hi friends- my ex is an avoidant so I thought your perspective may be helpful. My ex and I have been casually seeing each other for 10 months and are no closer to reconciliation. He knows I desire more but he told me he’s afraid to trust and feels incapable of being in a relationship. He says that he doesn’t mean to be hard on me but he’s not “normal.” I also see signs of depression. My reaching out and being with him physically has brought us no closer to reconciliation, as he hasn’t worked on himself. I feel at this point I’m probably enabling his distancing behavior and allowing him to behave at this low level of functioning. I thought seeing him would build trust- which seems to be the crux of his issues, but I don’t know if my thinking is flawed on how to build trust. My question- how to proceed in this gridlock? Should I just go silent and start no contact or should I have a heart to heart talk with him first, then be prepared to walk? Other ideas? I’m the one to initiate texts so if I don’t reach out, then I probably won’t hear from him...at least for a very long time. (And no contact would sever all ties since he doesn’t do social media and he have no mutual friends. Thanks in advance for any advice 💗 Having just gone through this with my FA girlfriend of 15 years, I can tell you that the tough decision I made was to go NC until after the New Year. That will be four months. After that time, I won't contact her...I'm working on myself and getting on with my life (this includes not only therapy, but also hitting the gym, reading, mindfulness, and other aspects of self-care.) Don't live your life for your partner. They HAVE to want to change for themselves - no amount of love your throw at them will do this for them. Be your own best friend and hope they can get some help (I know it's extremely difficult with FAs...they don't react well to therapy...I know from experience with my ex.) Priority number one should be YOU. That's all you have control over. Be well. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 8, 2018 4:43:23 GMT
Hi friends- my ex is an avoidant so I thought your perspective may be helpful. My ex and I have been casually seeing each other for 10 months and are no closer to reconciliation. He knows I desire more but he told me he’s afraid to trust and feels incapable of being in a relationship. He says that he doesn’t mean to be hard on me but he’s not “normal.” I also see signs of depression. My reaching out and being with him physically has brought us no closer to reconciliation, as he hasn’t worked on himself. I feel at this point I’m probably enabling his distancing behavior and allowing him to behave at this low level of functioning. I thought seeing him would build trust- which seems to be the crux of his issues, but I don’t know if my thinking is flawed on how to build trust. My question- how to proceed in this gridlock? Should I just go silent and start no contact or should I have a heart to heart talk with him first, then be prepared to walk? Other ideas? I’m the one to initiate texts so if I don’t reach out, then I probably won’t hear from him...at least for a very long time. (And no contact would sever all ties since he doesn’t do social media and he have no mutual friends. Thanks in advance for any advice 💗 Having just gone through this with my FA girlfriend of 15 years, I can tell you that the tough decision I made was to go NC until after the New Year. That will be four months. After that time, I won't contact her...I'm working on myself and getting on with my life (this includes not only therapy, but also hitting the gym, reading, mindfulness, and other aspects of self-care.) Don't live your life for your partner. They HAVE to want to change for themselves - no amount of love your throw at them will do this for them. Be your own best friend and hope they can get some help (I know it's extremely difficult with FAs...they don't react well to therapy...I know from experience with my ex.) Priority number one should be YOU. That's all you have control over. Be well. Wow, 15 years. Ironically, I was thinking the same. Going no contact until the new year. Good luck to you....I hope it works out for you. |
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Post by stayhappy on Oct 8, 2018 8:08:32 GMT
Sorry but don’t you think that going no contact to make someone miss you and want you back is a little manipulative?
I’m not a big fun of this no contact thing. I like to get and stay connect and if someone does not want to connect with me the only thing I can do is to respect her/his decision.
No contact is a good to make you free from dangerous people like narcissists and other abusive people.
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Post by leavethelighton on Oct 8, 2018 23:48:53 GMT
I voted in the poll but I agree with what someone said on another recent message that the goal here isn't to figure out how to get the person back but how to figure out what you want and to seek it authentically, so I can see why it's probably none of the above. I voted casual contact with no physical contact because I think often when you're talking about attachment style you're dealing with two scared people, and communication can potentially be the best way out of that, but both people have to want to talk their way out and push through their fears of getting hurt or abandoned. Your boyfriend doesn't sound ready for that.
So contact him or don't, but do it because it's what's going to help you with your journey...
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 9, 2018 3:11:57 GMT
Having just gone through this with my FA girlfriend of 15 years, I can tell you that the tough decision I made was to go NC until after the New Year. That will be four months. After that time, I won't contact her...I'm working on myself and getting on with my life (this includes not only therapy, but also hitting the gym, reading, mindfulness, and other aspects of self-care.) Don't live your life for your partner. They HAVE to want to change for themselves - no amount of love your throw at them will do this for them. Be your own best friend and hope they can get some help (I know it's extremely difficult with FAs...they don't react well to therapy...I know from experience with my ex.) Priority number one should be YOU. That's all you have control over. Be well. Wow, 15 years. Ironically, I was thinking the same. Going no contact until the new year. Good luck to you....I hope it works out for you. When B broke up with me, I will admit that I did type in google how to win your ex back....I tried the whole NC thing, letting him know that I needed more time...he actually broke NC, which I thought was a positive sign...but I think he just wanted to keep me in his life versus have me be his girlfriend. Looking back...it was a real manipulative act on my part...had I done NC for the right reason...I likely would have progressed further. I say that because it is really important to check the motive behind our actions. If you go into NC hoping to spur something in him or even go into NC thinking you can change you to be back with him....it likely will only keep you focused on him. I know you care tremendously for him and I suspect he cares for you as well...but you are at different places in what you want. Ido wish you well and please keep us posted. |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 9, 2018 4:49:46 GMT
Wow, 15 years. Ironically, I was thinking the same. Going no contact until the new year. Good luck to you....I hope it works out for you. When B broke up with me, I will admit that I did type in google how to win your ex back....I tried the whole NC thing, letting him know that I needed more time...he actually broke NC, which I thought was a positive sign...but I think he just wanted to keep me in his life versus have me be his girlfriend. Looking back...it was a real manipulative act on my part...had I done NC for the right reason...I likely would have progressed further. I say that because it is really important to check the motive behind our actions. If you go into NC hoping to spur something in him or even go into NC thinking you can change you to be back with him....it likely will only keep you focused on him. I know you care tremendously for him and I suspect he cares for you as well...but you are at different places in what you want. Ido wish you well and please keep us posted. Thanks...I hear what you’re saying. I need to do NC for the right reasons. It’s hard when my feelings are still tied up, but I think the best thing to do for me is to let go and trust everything will work out in the right time for me. I was always honest with him in our relationship and I want to continue to be honest. That’s why I texted him last week that I felt fake being casual with him and I thought we were selling ourselves short. He ignored my text. I’ve held back being blatantly honest with him about how painful being casual is bc I knew it would cause me to lose him- he would stop if he knew the extent of my hurt over this...so I kept plugging along, but I’m not respecting myself and my needs. I’m thinking I’ll just remain in NC and if he reaches out to me then I’ll be honest and explain. I don’t think I’ll reach out to tell him I’m not reaching out anymore. He’ll figure it out and he’ll know why. I did tell him a couple times that casual just isn’t me. Thank you so much for your support, insight and well wishes!! Good luck to you, too!! ((Hugs)) 💗 |
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