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Post by stephster on Oct 8, 2018 5:50:09 GMT
Hi all, I have a strong romantic connection with someone I work with. He is going through a divorce. We have been texting each other and talking on the phone now for a few months. He asked me on a date but I told him I wanted to wait until he is further along in the divorce process and he was fine with that.
He continued to flirt with me at work, text me, and call me. One day he and I shared a 2 hour long phone conversation. He opened up to me about so much and I felt happy about the fact that we were getting closer. After this conversation took place, he suddenly started to avoid me at work. At times he completely ignored me. He stopped texting me and calling. It's going on three weeks now and I haven't heard from him and at work he avoids me.
I got so upset by his behavior that I started ignoring him as well. I now walk by him without saying hi and pretend he's not even there. I don't know how else to show him how hurt I am.
Does anyone have any insight into this? Is this behavior something that may be out of his control? I feel like what he is doing is so cruel to just suddenly blow me off with no reason. I'm so heartbroken. One day I seemed to matter so much to him and then the next day he just completely pretends I don't exist. It's so upsetting.
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Post by alexandra on Oct 8, 2018 5:59:43 GMT
It can take people a very long time to become emotionally stable and available again after a divorce. Don't underestimate how up and down that roller coaster can be. My guess is he also felt very close to you after opening up and realized he's not ready for that type of connection yet. I don't think you can assume this is an insecure attachment issue right off the bat.
Also, you don't have to ignore him, too. Why might you be doing that? You can just tell him how you feel. "I enjoyed getting closer to you but noticed we're not talking as much anymore. I'd like to continue exploring if there's a romantic connection here, would you?"
But do be super careful, layering in coworkers on top of it is dicey and you want to keep things civil/respectful (and stay out of any perception of sexual harassment territory!). The one time I tried to do this, boundaries were way more important than normal, and he was too casual for it to develop into anything. I've avoided office romances since, too complicated. |
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Post by stephster on Oct 8, 2018 14:09:18 GMT
It can take people a very long time to become emotionally stable and available again after a divorce. Don't underestimate how up and down that roller coaster can be. My guess is he also felt very close to you after opening up and realized he's not ready for that type of connection yet. I don't think you can assume this is an insecure attachment issue right off the bat.
Also, you don't have to ignore him, too. Why might you be doing that? You can just tell him how you feel. "I enjoyed getting closer to you but noticed we're not talking as much anymore. I'd like to continue exploring if there's a romantic connection here, would you?"
But do be super careful, layering in coworkers on top of it is dicey and you want to keep things civil/respectful (and stay out of any perception of sexual harassment territory!). The one time I tried to do this, boundaries were way more important than normal, and he was too casual for it to develop into anything. I've avoided office romances since, too complicated. Thanks for your reply. I know it's not the most mature thing to do to ignore him. I'm finding it difficult to handle his sudden withdrawal and frankly to ignore a person this way makes it difficult for me not to give back as good as I get. I tend to strike back when hurt in a relationship. I guess it's my way of holding onto some power. I guess I'm also afraid of rejection, so I'm avoiding having what could be a very painful conversation with him. I almost would rather never talk with him again than deal with the rejection of him no longer wanting me. |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 8, 2018 19:36:17 GMT
Thanks for your reply. I know it's not the most mature thing to do to ignore him. I'm finding it difficult to handle his sudden withdrawal and frankly to ignore a person this way makes it difficult for me not to give back as good as I get. I tend to strike back when hurt in a relationship. I guess it's my way of holding onto some power. I guess I'm also afraid of rejection, so I'm avoiding having what could be a very painful conversation with him. I almost would rather never talk with him again than deal with the rejection of him no longer wanting me. The situation definitely stinks, and I'm sorry you're going through it. Before you decide how to handle things with him, I would suggest you think about what this may tell you about your own attachment style. Getting involved with a coworker who is in the middle of a divorce sounds like attraction to someone in the unavailable territory on both counts (things with coworkers can work out, but it's usually a lot tougher than starting a relationship out of the workplace). I also asked why you withdrew to see how much of the response is fear-based, because in this context that behavior can actually be anxiously OR avoidantly-driven. Do you know what your own attachment style is? |
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Post by stephster on Oct 8, 2018 23:08:20 GMT
Thanks for your reply. I know it's not the most mature thing to do to ignore him. I'm finding it difficult to handle his sudden withdrawal and frankly to ignore a person this way makes it difficult for me not to give back as good as I get. I tend to strike back when hurt in a relationship. I guess it's my way of holding onto some power. I guess I'm also afraid of rejection, so I'm avoiding having what could be a very painful conversation with him. I almost would rather never talk with him again than deal with the rejection of him no longer wanting me. The situation definitely stinks, and I'm sorry you're going through it. Before you decide how to handle things with him, I would suggest you think about what this may tell you about your own attachment style. Getting involved with a coworker who is in the middle of a divorce sounds like attraction to someone in the unavailable territory on both counts (things with coworkers can work out, but it's usually a lot tougher than starting a relationship out of the workplace). I also asked why you withdrew to see how much of the response is fear-based, because in this context that behavior can actually be anxiously OR avoidantly-driven. Do you know what your own attachment style is? Thanks again:) I'm not sure what style I am...Im about to take a test to see tonight. I think I'm AP. As far as this situation...him being unavailable. I could be in a room filled with people and somehow the person who is unavailable in one way or another will find me. I never go looking either. The men I have dated have been gay, married, a priest, an addict, etc. They all have one thing in common...they are unavailable to me. I'm doing all I can to break this pattern believe me. Unfortunately, my latest interest...well, I'm in love with him. But I'm prepared at this point to leave this job and go elsewhere. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Oct 8, 2018 23:52:19 GMT
I've had this type of situation with a few people before. I think it may be that they felt the intimacy of the conversation was too much for the context, and that made them retreat.
Have you tried chatting with him more casually, going back to small talk? This friendship maybe isn't quite ready to delve into the sort of emotionally intimacy of that 2-hour conversation, unfortunately.
It does seem like you should also be seeking out other dating opportunities. Do you feel overly smitten with this guy? I ask because of how you mentioned considering leaving your job.
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Post by stephster on Oct 9, 2018 1:01:18 GMT
I've had this type of situation with a few people before. I think it may be that they felt the intimacy of the conversation was too much for the context, and that made them retreat. Have you tried chatting with him more casually, going back to small talk? This friendship maybe isn't quite ready to delve into the sort of emotionally intimacy of that 2-hour conversation, unfortunately. It does seem like you should also be seeking out other dating opportunities. Do you feel overly smitten with this guy? I ask because of how you mentioned considering leaving your job. Yes, I definitely have strong loving feelings for him. The conversation we had was led (and always led by him) so he is the one who initiated everything. I like to let the man lead. And so, I'm so confused as to why he comes on so strong and then ignores me like this. He even texted me a few times "I love you" in like a little text like ecard. It's all so hurtful. |
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