hannah
Junior Member
Posts: 67
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Post by hannah on Oct 9, 2018 13:09:59 GMT
I put this here cause maybe this can help some FA on their path/reflection. And if you have some thoughts on that or other things I would love to hear from you how are you coping/struggling with all this FA thing. Accepting that I need others - Finding balance between being alone and being with others
I notice earlier this year, when I was dating a lot and met my ex FA, that I was really happy around people but that I needed a lot of time for myself. I saw my ex FA every 10 days. Knowing that I was going to see him gave me joy to explore life and I enjoyed my lonely hobbies and my friends (even if I was slightly anxious by moments about my FA). Now that I’m not dating anyone I feel anxious most of the time, specially the weekends when there are less things going on (during the week I have my job and my group activities) and I’m not able to enjoy my lonely jobs anymore. It’s hard but also precious to me to notice that I do need others and this allowed me to think about ways to create some solid connections to rely on - by strengthening the friendships I already have and by joining some communities. But... Accepting I need more time to establish connection
As a FA I need more time to trust and to be comfortable with people, to be able to open up and rely on them so it demands a lot of efforts to create and maintain a friendship/relationship. So, instead of going deep on completely deactivation when it seems to hard, when comparing myself to others who get along with each other easily and instead of saying myself that I don’t fit into any group I’m trying to accept that it’s just that I need more time and that these bad feelings (deactivation) will pass. The last two weeks it’s been tough, I deactivate a lot, didn’t show up for many group activities (always finding good excuses to do so, of course). Normally in this case I give up everything and come back to my shell but I’m trying to keep in mind it’s just my deactivating patterns and that I can come back and try again soon. Accepting the differences and the imperfections When this happens I go to faultfinding mode (on me and others): I focus on everything that keeps me at a distance of my friends for example, instead of focusing on what connect us. I’m trying to keep in mind that nobody is perfect, that diversity is beautiful and rewarding and that we cannot find someone who is 100% like us (and what interest to talk to a mirror?). I tend to see only the bad sides on the relationships, saying that I’m always the one to reach out to some friends and that makes me anxious at the beginning and I start to distance myself. But I’m trying to notice others signs that show me people care about me. I know that I have a really hard time showing people when we are together that I’m having a good time with them, I’m more guarded so maybe they don’t reach out a lot cause they think I don’t like them. I think I lost many people like that – me thinking they don’t like me, they thinking I don’t like them, both going distant. Fortunately my friends often say or give me signs that they do like to spend time with me so I try to keep this in mind when I’m finding excuses to no contact them. As I’m not very enthusiastic when we are together I say myself that my way to show that I care and to show up in the relationship is to reach out and keep things going between us. I could add other thoughts, especially on unhealthy behaviors and on dating and family topics but I already wrote a lot, maybe later  |
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Post by camper78 on Oct 9, 2018 15:29:24 GMT
Thank you for posting this. hannah. I will add to this thread soon because it’s really helpful (for me) to see that others are struggling with similar stuff, and trying to find strategies for overcoming avoidance (and what the strategies are, how it’s working). I’m trying to be very intentional about this right now too. More to follow.. |
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Post by lilyg on Oct 10, 2018 7:37:52 GMT
I put this here cause maybe this can help some FA on their path/reflection. And if you have some thoughts on that or other things I would love to hear from you how are you coping/struggling with all this FA thing. Accepting that I need others - Finding balance between being alone and being with others
I notice earlier this year, when I was dating a lot and met my ex FA, that I was really happy around people but that I needed a lot of time for myself. I saw my ex FA every 10 days. Knowing that I was going to see him gave me joy to explore life and I enjoyed my lonely hobbies and my friends (even if I was slightly anxious by moments about my FA). Now that I’m not dating anyone I feel anxious most of the time, specially the weekends when there are less things going on (during the week I have my job and my group activities) and I’m not able to enjoy my lonely jobs anymore. It’s hard but also precious to me to notice that I do need others and this allowed me to think about ways to create some solid connections to rely on - by strengthening the friendships I already have and by joining some communities. But... Accepting I need more time to establish connection
As a FA I need more time to trust and to be comfortable with people, to be able to open up and rely on them so it demands a lot of efforts to create and maintain a friendship/relationship. So, instead of going deep on completely deactivation when it seems to hard, when comparing myself to others who get along with each other easily and instead of saying myself that I don’t fit into any group I’m trying to accept that it’s just that I need more time and that these bad feelings (deactivation) will pass. The last two weeks it’s been tough, I deactivate a lot, didn’t show up for many group activities (always finding good excuses to do so, of course). Normally in this case I give up everything and come back to my shell but I’m trying to keep in mind it’s just my deactivating patterns and that I can come back and try again soon. Accepting the differences and the imperfections When this happens I go to faultfinding mode (on me and others): I focus on everything that keeps me at a distance of my friends for example, instead of focusing on what connect us. I’m trying to keep in mind that nobody is perfect, that diversity is beautiful and rewarding and that we cannot find someone who is 100% like us (and what interest to talk to a mirror?). I tend to see only the bad sides on the relationships, saying that I’m always the one to reach out to some friends and that makes me anxious at the beginning and I start to distance myself. But I’m trying to notice others signs that show me people care about me. I know that I have a really hard time showing people when we are together that I’m having a good time with them, I’m more guarded so maybe they don’t reach out a lot cause they think I don’t like them. I think I lost many people like that – me thinking they don’t like me, they thinking I don’t like them, both going distant. Fortunately my friends often say or give me signs that they do like to spend time with me so I try to keep this in mind when I’m finding excuses to no contact them. As I’m not very enthusiastic when we are together I say myself that my way to show that I care and to show up in the relationship is to reach out and keep things going between us. I could add other thoughts, especially on unhealthy behaviors and on dating and family topics but I already wrote a lot, maybe later I love this, thank you It's so true, specially the two first paragraphs. It's great to treat yourself with so much kindness and awareness. I've discussed two things which I think are very important in this respect with my partner: about him needing more (not actually time) but trust and experiences to get to a feeling of love and connection (he's finally there with me) and that being actually a very understandable need when connecting. I can understand that a lot and it made me reflect on my own paces in relationships and friendships. The other one is talking about how we all feel anxiety by some things in our lives, and learning to live and act through that. We all feel anxious sometimes and sometimes is the feeling that keeps us moving foward, if handled well (instead of running away or paralizing). |
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Post by goldilocks on Oct 10, 2018 16:11:54 GMT
Hi Hannah, this is a really good post!
Balance between alone time and time with others is also something that has been helpful to me.
I was originally DA and am now secure but find that the processes where I am currently still having difficulties are feeling more like fear to me.
FA seem to have a very keen sense of balance in relationships. It can be painful to make more of an effort than someone else and worry if they will respond. I have been socially rejected in high school and had some buried fear around being the one to reach out. As an adult, this has gradually improved and I can accept not knowing a friend's interest level. Romantically, I do have more difficulty with this still.
With friends, I have decided to regularly take the initiative in making plans. In my thirties, I find that many people are busy with work and children and as much as they care, 3 months of not seeing each other can slip in with even the best of friends. Many people are socially passive but still more than willing to show up to your dinner party with a bottle of wine in hand, to help cleaning up after or to make a reservation. I did let two friends slip away over the last 5 years because they did not make sufficient effort, not wanting to come to my town even once a year. But with both of them it was also a relief to be able to let them go, and feel no guilt as I have done my part. But with my other long term friends, I am glad to have reached out and maintained the connection over relocations, motherhood and other life changes. Though I have felt vulnerable at times, my life has been happier with deeper connections.
Aside from maintaining long term friendships, I look at my social calender from month to month to see that I have enough time for myself and enough fun social things to do. Balance allows me to fully enjoy my solitude without feeling lonely too often and to enjoy my social life without feeling frazzled or missing my own company.
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Post by ocarina on Oct 10, 2018 22:36:59 GMT
As a mostly DA with some FA thrown in along the way, I totally get all of this - and this is the place where I am working too.
Being conscious of patterns and then making small changes, taking small moments before habitually reacting to sit with discomfort, practising and cultivating real deep engagement with trusted others.
It's life enhancing stuff!
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Post by camper78 on Oct 11, 2018 1:33:53 GMT
Ive been aware that I am FA for a while now. I was in a relationship with someone very special for the last 1.5 yrs until it ended this summer, in part because I had spent the previous several months withdrawing & deactivating. We both have our issues and for a combination of reasons, things shut down. Although she wants very much to reconcile and I miss her deeply, I am really and truly scared of getting on the rollercoaster I know so well and hurting her even more with the push/pull of FA attachment. I'm scared of failing, of love, of engulfment, of compromise.. I'm basically screwed any way I turn right now. So yeah, I've crashed hard and am having a really tough time recovering from this. I don't think I've cried this much in years, which is weird (and good) because a) I don't cry, and b) I'm always the one who walks away from relationships without any trouble. I also turned 40 this year and am really exhausted and saddened with these shitty patterns and not being able to maintain intimate connections with people I care about and who love me. But I'm glad I'm feeling something and not just checked out, even if that something is fear and pain. So, I am doing what I can to bring some of my shadow side into the light, in the hopes that I can begin the long process loosening the grip of FA and (hopefully, hopefully) become more secure, receptive to love and all that comes with it. At the very least I think I can become more self aware and better able to manage myself when deactivation happens, if I keep at this long enough *sigh* 1. No alcohol, regular exercise, healthy food made at home.- just trying to keep my body healthy and my mind clear so that I can feel what comes up. Exercise is critical for my brain chemistry and stress levels. I go to the gym regularly, hike with my dog, bike and am getting back into running.
2. Practicing mindfulness and reaching for support where it feels comfortable.- this forum has been so helpful. I spent most of Sept. reading and re-reading the posts here, every day. It's made me feel like recovery is possible and that there is real support out there.. which helps me to be a bit more ok about sharing and feeling vulnerable.
- I had a brutal day yesterday so I just tried to sit with my feelings and get grounded through breathing and touch. I tried the WaterTank Exercise too, and will keep coming back to this. I think it's critical for me to figure out ways of dealing with the anxious, stressful energy that puts me in shut-down mode otherwise.
- I'm listening to Tara Brach's podcasts pretty much every day, capturing the parts that really skewer my heart or make me think in my journal, and am reflecting on those bits as often as I can. Along with that, I'm trying to write about what's happening for me inside, without bias or blame or judgement. If I can re-read it later and it sounds authentic and I don't cringe, I've probably been honest with myself.
- Trying to ask myself regularly 'what are you feeling? where does it hurt? what do you want?' as a way of making the connection between my needs and my inner state.
I have realized how HARD it is for me to just feel. and how quickly I will distract myself from really experiencing or investigating how my feelings present in my body. I spend way too much time in my head. 3. Creating more space for solo time, but trying not to disappear.- Trying to find a some balance between staying connected to some good friends and taking the time I need for myself. My tendency in times like this is to want to crawl into my pain cave and drop off the face of the earth for a while, but I know that too much isolation is self-indulgent and counterproductive to healing. Those are my habits, old and false needs. When I'm feeling good it's pretty easy and I don't have to think much about it, but it's hard when I'm feeling bad. So when I'm having to consciously put effort into it, I just try to pick 1-2 people a week to connect with in some way, even if it's small. Then I can feel ok about it because I followed through with a healthy goal I set, maintained some connectedness w/ a couple of people and I can take the pressure off myself for not reaching out to others.
4.Listing all my deactivating strategies and the things that trigger them, and am trying to notice when I'm going down that road.- Because I'm single now and spending more time alone, I'm trying to practice this awareness more with friends and family, and with myself when I'm getting caught up in stuck thoughts. This one is also really challenging.
- Trying to do a better job of explaining to people that are close to me what is going on and what I need so that they don't take it personally or aren't as confused when it happens. Also SO hard because explaining it to someone who isn't FA or aware of attachment wounds makes me feel pathetic and weak.. and I *hate* feeling that way. But I think this is part of the problem.
Thanks for starting this thread. I hope to see more about what others are doing to get in touch with and work on their stuff. There is a lot to do.. it's overwhelming. So I'm just starting with a few things at a time. - Camper78 |
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Post by camper78 on Oct 11, 2018 2:01:34 GMT
oh also I'm trying to get rid of some negativity in my life, so that I have more space and time for healthier things. I feel quite good about this. For example, my morning routine used to be to wake early, read the news and Twitter with a cup of coffee in bed (ok 2 cups) before walking my dog. I found the news depressing and was amazed at the hostility in the Twitterverse. It was even bringing out hostility and anger in me (i made a couple snarky tweets) and was like 'woah. I definitely do not need more of this in my life - this has to stop'. So now, I still have my coffee in bed, but I do the mindfulness podcast instead and spend a little more time with my dog before going to work or the gym. It's a new habit but I'm loving it. It's making a difference in my heart.. and making me a more courteous driver in morning traffic  An intentional choice to spend precious time more wisely. It feels good. |
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hannah
Junior Member
Posts: 67
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Post by hannah on Oct 14, 2018 10:45:50 GMT
I put this here cause maybe this can help some FA on their path/reflection. And if you have some thoughts on that or other things I would love to hear from you how are you coping/struggling with all this FA thing. Accepting that I need others - Finding balance between being alone and being with others
I notice earlier this year, when I was dating a lot and met my ex FA, that I was really happy around people but that I needed a lot of time for myself. I saw my ex FA every 10 days. Knowing that I was going to see him gave me joy to explore life and I enjoyed my lonely hobbies and my friends (even if I was slightly anxious by moments about my FA). Now that I’m not dating anyone I feel anxious most of the time, specially the weekends when there are less things going on (during the week I have my job and my group activities) and I’m not able to enjoy my lonely jobs anymore. It’s hard but also precious to me to notice that I do need others and this allowed me to think about ways to create some solid connections to rely on - by strengthening the friendships I already have and by joining some communities. But... Accepting I need more time to establish connection
As a FA I need more time to trust and to be comfortable with people, to be able to open up and rely on them so it demands a lot of efforts to create and maintain a friendship/relationship. So, instead of going deep on completely deactivation when it seems to hard, when comparing myself to others who get along with each other easily and instead of saying myself that I don’t fit into any group I’m trying to accept that it’s just that I need more time and that these bad feelings (deactivation) will pass. The last two weeks it’s been tough, I deactivate a lot, didn’t show up for many group activities (always finding good excuses to do so, of course). Normally in this case I give up everything and come back to my shell but I’m trying to keep in mind it’s just my deactivating patterns and that I can come back and try again soon. Accepting the differences and the imperfections When this happens I go to faultfinding mode (on me and others): I focus on everything that keeps me at a distance of my friends for example, instead of focusing on what connect us. I’m trying to keep in mind that nobody is perfect, that diversity is beautiful and rewarding and that we cannot find someone who is 100% like us (and what interest to talk to a mirror?). I tend to see only the bad sides on the relationships, saying that I’m always the one to reach out to some friends and that makes me anxious at the beginning and I start to distance myself. But I’m trying to notice others signs that show me people care about me. I know that I have a really hard time showing people when we are together that I’m having a good time with them, I’m more guarded so maybe they don’t reach out a lot cause they think I don’t like them. I think I lost many people like that – me thinking they don’t like me, they thinking I don’t like them, both going distant. Fortunately my friends often say or give me signs that they do like to spend time with me so I try to keep this in mind when I’m finding excuses to no contact them. As I’m not very enthusiastic when we are together I say myself that my way to show that I care and to show up in the relationship is to reach out and keep things going between us. I could add other thoughts, especially on unhealthy behaviors and on dating and family topics but I already wrote a lot, maybe later I love this, thank you It's so true, specially the two first paragraphs. It's great to treat yourself with so much kindness and awareness. I've discussed two things which I think are very important in this respect with my partner: about him needing more (not actually time) but trust and experiences to get to a feeling of love and connection (he's finally there with me) and that being actually a very understandable need when connecting. I can understand that a lot and it made me reflect on my own paces in relationships and friendships. The other one is talking about how we all feel anxiety by some things in our lives, and learning to live and act through that. We all feel anxious sometimes and sometimes is the feeling that keeps us moving foward, if handled well (instead of running away or paralizing). Thank you, lilyg for your kind words Yes, for me it has been a whole life of running away before I started to understand my anxiety. I'm now more able to recognize the anxiety, acknowledge that it belongs to me and that it has nothing to do with the person who triggers me. So I can retreat to soothe myself and come back. Well, I don't always come back, sometimes behind the triggers there are real toxic behaviors or mismatchs, but let's say that now I can live a bit more with the doubt while trying to figure it out instead of just running away and not looking back. |
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hannah
Junior Member
Posts: 67
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Post by hannah on Oct 14, 2018 11:00:07 GMT
Hi Hannah, this is a really good post! Balance between alone time and time with others is also something that has been helpful to me. I was originally DA and am now secure but find that the processes where I am currently still having difficulties are feeling more like fear to me. FA seem to have a very keen sense of balance in relationships. It can be painful to make more of an effort than someone else and worry if they will respond. I have been socially rejected in high school and had some buried fear around being the one to reach out. As an adult, this has gradually improved and I can accept not knowing a friend's interest level. Romantically, I do have more difficulty with this still. With friends, I have decided to regularly take the initiative in making plans. In my thirties, I find that many people are busy with work and children and as much as they care, 3 months of not seeing each other can slip in with even the best of friends. Many people are socially passive but still more than willing to show up to your dinner party with a bottle of wine in hand, to help cleaning up after or to make a reservation. I did let two friends slip away over the last 5 years because they did not make sufficient effort, not wanting to come to my town even once a year. But with both of them it was also a relief to be able to let them go, and feel no guilt as I have done my part. But with my other long term friends, I am glad to have reached out and maintained the connection over relocations, motherhood and other life changes. Though I have felt vulnerable at times, my life has been happier with deeper connections. Aside from maintaining long term friendships, I look at my social calender from month to month to see that I have enough time for myself and enough fun social things to do. Balance allows me to fully enjoy my solitude without feeling lonely too often and to enjoy my social life without feeling frazzled or missing my own company. Thank you for the support goldilocks and thanks for sharing your experience. I'm still trying to find a balance but it's hard. I'm more able to enjoy the moments I share with friends now (not thinking about my ex FA all the time) but I'm still a bit anxious while alone. This week it was nice, I had a really great time with a friend, I felt a real connection and we were able to talk about our friendship and agree that we would like to see each other more often. I could talk about some of my struggles in relationships, explain to her why I ran away from her when we first met. I'm really happy that I was capable of reconnecting after my first fearful reaction about her. Like you I have already noticed that I need enough time for myself when I'm engaging in many social things but it's not the case now, I feel more lonely. I think it's attachment related cause objectively I'm doing lot of things with people and I'm often busy. I don't know. |
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hannah
Junior Member
Posts: 67
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Post by hannah on Oct 14, 2018 11:12:25 GMT
As a mostly DA with some FA thrown in along the way, I totally get all of this - and this is the place where I am working too. Being conscious of patterns and then making small changes, taking small moments before habitually reacting to sit with discomfort, practising and cultivating real deep engagement with trusted others. It's life enhancing stuff! That's it ocarina ! I'm learning to take a time to reflection instead of just reacting to everything. It's not easy when triggered but maybe with practice we can be able to not react out of fear when the trigger is there? By the way, trying to identify my triggers and strategies (to activation and deactivation - FA a double fight!  ) is helping me to keep calm and don't just react. |
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hannah
Junior Member
Posts: 67
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Post by hannah on Oct 14, 2018 11:49:43 GMT
Sad to know that you were going through that with your ex camper78. Maybe at some point in the futur with all the work you are doing things could work out with her? Is she able to work on her own issues also? And thank you for all you shared, it’s gold! I have always struggled on creating a routine. But I just figured out that’s very important to me and that the lack of boundaries in my relationship with my ex FA is related to that, I was always avaiable to him and compromising my schedule in order to acommodate him. So I’m trying to build a routine with my activities and trying to stick with it, so my next partner will need to fit in. Yeah, I know I must pay attention to not fall on the avoidant end by keeping some flexibility and not engaging in so many things that I would never be avaiable for someone. It’s me or FA are always struggling with finding balance?  I struggle also on being in the present moment and on keeping in touch with my body and sensations. I’m always on my head. I have never be able to practice mindfulness, I’m trying a new hobby who keeps my mind busy when I’m playing to it and to connect to my body and also calming down the mind I think I will try yoga. I think you are right about the depressing news on bed. I tried last night to sleep far away of my phone to avoid reading the news before sleeping and when I wake up. It’s not good to sleep anyway. |
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Post by goldilocks on Oct 14, 2018 12:00:45 GMT
Thank you for the support goldilocks and thanks for sharing your experience. You are most welcome! |
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hannah
Junior Member
Posts: 67
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Post by hannah on Oct 14, 2018 12:14:30 GMT
Oh, another thing I'm trying is something I learned about behavior cognitive therapy. I'm trying just to think about it but I suppose it's more effective if we write everything down to keep track. I'll try to explain what I understood: in order to change our dysfunctional beliefs it's important to experience new scripts that will challenge these beliefs. So when something fears us for example, we must question ourselves about these fears - why we fear and wich outcomes we fear, maybe try to rate the fear (it's a big or a little fear, from 1 to 10, etc)? The idea then is to face the situation, ideally after a relaxation practice that we master ( and that we can also use while in the situation). After all, we can analyse again our sensations and our beliefs, was that as terrible as I thought? I was more or less anxious than I thought I would be while facing the situation? And after? The outcome was that terrible? So after many succesful experiences like that, if we see that our mind was kind of trapping us, hopefully our mindset can shift. I don't know if I explain well, you will tell me |
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Post by Dualcitizen on Oct 5, 2019 8:59:50 GMT
I put this here cause maybe this can help some FA on their path/reflection. And if you have some thoughts on that or other things I would love to hear from you how are you coping/struggling with all this FA thing. Accepting that I need others - Finding balance between being alone and being with others
I notice earlier this year, when I was dating a lot and met my ex FA, that I was really happy around people but that I needed a lot of time for myself. I saw my ex FA every 10 days. Knowing that I was going to see him gave me joy to explore life and I enjoyed my lonely hobbies and my friends (even if I was slightly anxious by moments about my FA). Now that I’m not dating anyone I feel anxious most of the time, specially the weekends when there are less things going on (during the week I have my job and my group activities) and I’m not able to enjoy my lonely jobs anymore. It’s hard but also precious to me to notice that I do need others and this allowed me to think about ways to create some solid connections to rely on - by strengthening the friendships I already have and by joining some communities. But... Accepting I need more time to establish connection
As a FA I need more time to trust and to be comfortable with people, to be able to open up and rely on them so it demands a lot of efforts to create and maintain a friendship/relationship. So, instead of going deep on completely deactivation when it seems to hard, when comparing myself to others who get along with each other easily and instead of saying myself that I don’t fit into any group I’m trying to accept that it’s just that I need more time and that these bad feelings (deactivation) will pass. The last two weeks it’s been tough, I deactivate a lot, didn’t show up for many group activities (always finding good excuses to do so, of course). Normally in this case I give up everything and come back to my shell but I’m trying to keep in mind it’s just my deactivating patterns and that I can come back and try again soon. Accepting the differences and the imperfections When this happens I go to faultfinding mode (on me and others): I focus on everything that keeps me at a distance of my friends for example, instead of focusing on what connect us. I’m trying to keep in mind that nobody is perfect, that diversity is beautiful and rewarding and that we cannot find someone who is 100% like us (and what interest to talk to a mirror?). I tend to see only the bad sides on the relationships, saying that I’m always the one to reach out to some friends and that makes me anxious at the beginning and I start to distance myself. But I’m trying to notice others signs that show me people care about me. I know that I have a really hard time showing people when we are together that I’m having a good time with them, I’m more guarded so maybe they don’t reach out a lot cause they think I don’t like them. I think I lost many people like that – me thinking they don’t like me, they thinking I don’t like them, both going distant. Fortunately my friends often say or give me signs that they do like to spend time with me so I try to keep this in mind when I’m finding excuses to no contact them. As I’m not very enthusiastic when we are together I say myself that my way to show that I care and to show up in the relationship is to reach out and keep things going between us. I could add other thoughts, especially on unhealthy behaviors and on dating and family topics but I already wrote a lot, maybe later Thanks for sharing, really insightful and helping me as a secure to understand my Ex. |
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) is helping me to keep calm and don't just react. 