Post by dismissed on Apr 18, 2017 10:13:58 GMT
Hello,
As stated in the subject, I would like a Dismissive-Avoidant Female's perspective on a recent relationship (Bonus points if you are also introverted).
Here's my story:
My background is that I'm an extroverted male in my 20's who is secure-avoidant. I have avoidant tendencies, but am generally secure in the majority of my relationships aside from girlfriends. My emotional tank fills up pretty quick and I tend to need space between times that I see my girlfriends. My job requires that I don't have much time for girlfriends. I work nights (7pm-4am) and work 4 on, 2 off which basically allows for me to see my significant others roughly 2X/week. However, I was in a different position at this time and worked from 10-6, monday-friday, allowing me a lot of free time compared to my usual schedule.
So, I met this girl (also in her 20's), asked her out, and she obliged. We worked out at the same gym and she told me that (not in a creepy way) she had her eye on me for over a year. She had not dated anyone in four years prior to me. So we went out and instantly got along. I mean really, we were super comfortable with each other from the get-go. She was coming over after she got off work in sweatpants and no makeup in the first couple weeks and made significant efforts to see me (not at my request). The feeling appeared to be mutual, not one sided. I would contact her if I wanted to get together, and she would contact me equally as much. In fact, we only spent about 6 days apart in the little over a month we dated. I mean, I had the time then, so I thought, why not? We can go through the honeymoon stage if this works, as in my experience girls generally like to spend more time together than guys do, then when I have to go back to my old schedule it won't be as bad and I'll be able to have more time apart.
I noticed certain things she said to me and barriers she put up and the beginning of the relationship, although I never mentioned this to her. She told me things like, "I don't like to cuddle after sex." "Being in a relationship and depending on someone or having someone depend on me feels kind of weird to me." "I don't know if I could ever live with someone else." "Sometimes I have disconnected from even my closest friends for up to even a month." I thought to myself, "Hey, this sounds a lot like avoidance, and I can get down with that because I am similar."
However, other things she did didn't really make sense. I'm pretty good at perceiving people's body language (I have to be for the job I do) and when I told her I had a female roommate she looked at me with mild panic. I asked her what was wrong and jokingly asked if she was jealous and she said she wasn't, but just thought it was weird that a male and a female lived together, but I could tell she had concerns.
She was also the proponent of securing the relationship. She talked to me after seeing each other for two weeks and asked if we were exclusive, because she wanted to be. Then, about a week later, she told me a guy asked her out and she declined him because our relationship was "serious enough that she wasn't going to go out with another guy." I also kind of jokingly but kind of seriously said that she should have a toothbrush at my place as she was coming over almost every night and she said, "If I bring a toothbrush here that means it's serious." so I said, "Oh, you're right, better hold off on that." To which she replied, "Just face it, I'm your girlfriend, accept it."
Then after a little over a month, she went on a camping trip with her family for 4 days. I didn't text her much during this trip as she probably wasn't going to have reception. On the day she returned, I texted her seeing if she maybe wanted to come over, take it easy, and have dinner/watch a movie. She declined saying that she "just wanted to stay in my cave tonight." The next day, she texted me asking if she could stop by after work. She then broke up with me saying that "We get along great, we have more in common than anyone I've dated, I'm attracted to you physically, but I don't know what it is. I kind of view you as an OLD FRIEND." Now....that doesn't really make ANY sense to me, as usually it's like A) you're not physically attracted to the person, or B) you don't get along well. If A and B are present generally the answer is C: good relationship. She then also said, "the last couple weeks I have been kind of forcing myself to come over, but I thought that if I hung out with you more, those feelings might come, but they haven't." The whole time she was doing it, she didn't look at me, was turned to the side, appeared like she didn't want to do it but had to, etc. She also said it really sucked and she didn't know what was wrong, but maybe that it was because she had been single for so long.
It was just so weird to me because I didn't even feel her pushing away. In fact, the day before she went on her camping trip, we went out on our best date ever. Spent the whole day together, it seemed great. So then when she came back and just cut it off completely with no signs at all, it was just so weird for me because with me and my avoidance, I can usually start feeling it build up and build up and I become more and more avoidant until I leave. It's a slow onset.
I saw her about 5 months afterward at the gym and talked to her there. Just made some small talk, asked how life was going, etc. She told me she was going to move out of the country to teach abroad for two years. I kept the conversation light, but I could sense a slight anxiety on her end the entire time we were talking, while I was completely comfortable, which is weird since it should be opposite since she broke up with me.
So I would like to ask any female Avoidants a couple of questions:
1. Does this relationship resonate with any of you? If so, how?
2. If you also think she may be Avoidant, do you think she knows it? I know a lot of things she said leads me to believe she might know it, but the breakup stuff seemed to say otherwise.
3. If you think she may be Avoidant, Do you think I should contact her and just kind of say, "hey, I deal with this a little, and I just noticed some stuff when we went out, maybe you should check this out." She's very intelligent and minored in psychology. I know when I was told about this stuff it was like a light went on in my head about myself and I'm glad someone pointed this out to me.
I just found out recently she is currently dating someone. I don't know any of the details, but given my experience with her, I can kind of see how that may end up. It just bothers me because 1. Obviously I was the one who was broken up with and the relationship wasn't done on my end, so yeah, it hurt a bit. We got along better than anyone I've ever dated and things seemed cool. And 2. I have been in a similar place and I would hate to see her try and make a relationship with someone and have it fail over and over again because she has no idea what is going on, only that she feels she needs to get away from the person. Thank you if you're still with me! And I appreciate any responses!
As stated in the subject, I would like a Dismissive-Avoidant Female's perspective on a recent relationship (Bonus points if you are also introverted).
Here's my story:
My background is that I'm an extroverted male in my 20's who is secure-avoidant. I have avoidant tendencies, but am generally secure in the majority of my relationships aside from girlfriends. My emotional tank fills up pretty quick and I tend to need space between times that I see my girlfriends. My job requires that I don't have much time for girlfriends. I work nights (7pm-4am) and work 4 on, 2 off which basically allows for me to see my significant others roughly 2X/week. However, I was in a different position at this time and worked from 10-6, monday-friday, allowing me a lot of free time compared to my usual schedule.
So, I met this girl (also in her 20's), asked her out, and she obliged. We worked out at the same gym and she told me that (not in a creepy way) she had her eye on me for over a year. She had not dated anyone in four years prior to me. So we went out and instantly got along. I mean really, we were super comfortable with each other from the get-go. She was coming over after she got off work in sweatpants and no makeup in the first couple weeks and made significant efforts to see me (not at my request). The feeling appeared to be mutual, not one sided. I would contact her if I wanted to get together, and she would contact me equally as much. In fact, we only spent about 6 days apart in the little over a month we dated. I mean, I had the time then, so I thought, why not? We can go through the honeymoon stage if this works, as in my experience girls generally like to spend more time together than guys do, then when I have to go back to my old schedule it won't be as bad and I'll be able to have more time apart.
I noticed certain things she said to me and barriers she put up and the beginning of the relationship, although I never mentioned this to her. She told me things like, "I don't like to cuddle after sex." "Being in a relationship and depending on someone or having someone depend on me feels kind of weird to me." "I don't know if I could ever live with someone else." "Sometimes I have disconnected from even my closest friends for up to even a month." I thought to myself, "Hey, this sounds a lot like avoidance, and I can get down with that because I am similar."
However, other things she did didn't really make sense. I'm pretty good at perceiving people's body language (I have to be for the job I do) and when I told her I had a female roommate she looked at me with mild panic. I asked her what was wrong and jokingly asked if she was jealous and she said she wasn't, but just thought it was weird that a male and a female lived together, but I could tell she had concerns.
She was also the proponent of securing the relationship. She talked to me after seeing each other for two weeks and asked if we were exclusive, because she wanted to be. Then, about a week later, she told me a guy asked her out and she declined him because our relationship was "serious enough that she wasn't going to go out with another guy." I also kind of jokingly but kind of seriously said that she should have a toothbrush at my place as she was coming over almost every night and she said, "If I bring a toothbrush here that means it's serious." so I said, "Oh, you're right, better hold off on that." To which she replied, "Just face it, I'm your girlfriend, accept it."
Then after a little over a month, she went on a camping trip with her family for 4 days. I didn't text her much during this trip as she probably wasn't going to have reception. On the day she returned, I texted her seeing if she maybe wanted to come over, take it easy, and have dinner/watch a movie. She declined saying that she "just wanted to stay in my cave tonight." The next day, she texted me asking if she could stop by after work. She then broke up with me saying that "We get along great, we have more in common than anyone I've dated, I'm attracted to you physically, but I don't know what it is. I kind of view you as an OLD FRIEND." Now....that doesn't really make ANY sense to me, as usually it's like A) you're not physically attracted to the person, or B) you don't get along well. If A and B are present generally the answer is C: good relationship. She then also said, "the last couple weeks I have been kind of forcing myself to come over, but I thought that if I hung out with you more, those feelings might come, but they haven't." The whole time she was doing it, she didn't look at me, was turned to the side, appeared like she didn't want to do it but had to, etc. She also said it really sucked and she didn't know what was wrong, but maybe that it was because she had been single for so long.
It was just so weird to me because I didn't even feel her pushing away. In fact, the day before she went on her camping trip, we went out on our best date ever. Spent the whole day together, it seemed great. So then when she came back and just cut it off completely with no signs at all, it was just so weird for me because with me and my avoidance, I can usually start feeling it build up and build up and I become more and more avoidant until I leave. It's a slow onset.
I saw her about 5 months afterward at the gym and talked to her there. Just made some small talk, asked how life was going, etc. She told me she was going to move out of the country to teach abroad for two years. I kept the conversation light, but I could sense a slight anxiety on her end the entire time we were talking, while I was completely comfortable, which is weird since it should be opposite since she broke up with me.
So I would like to ask any female Avoidants a couple of questions:
1. Does this relationship resonate with any of you? If so, how?
2. If you also think she may be Avoidant, do you think she knows it? I know a lot of things she said leads me to believe she might know it, but the breakup stuff seemed to say otherwise.
3. If you think she may be Avoidant, Do you think I should contact her and just kind of say, "hey, I deal with this a little, and I just noticed some stuff when we went out, maybe you should check this out." She's very intelligent and minored in psychology. I know when I was told about this stuff it was like a light went on in my head about myself and I'm glad someone pointed this out to me.
I just found out recently she is currently dating someone. I don't know any of the details, but given my experience with her, I can kind of see how that may end up. It just bothers me because 1. Obviously I was the one who was broken up with and the relationship wasn't done on my end, so yeah, it hurt a bit. We got along better than anyone I've ever dated and things seemed cool. And 2. I have been in a similar place and I would hate to see her try and make a relationship with someone and have it fail over and over again because she has no idea what is going on, only that she feels she needs to get away from the person. Thank you if you're still with me! And I appreciate any responses!
