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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2018 0:28:56 GMT
i have been taking care of my dear friend, 78 year old woman who was very vibrant and healthy to all appearances- until this summer.
she and i have a very close relationship, like best friends almost.
we were surprised by a late stage cancer diagnosis this summer.
she declined rather rapidly, but i was able to provide lots of in home care for her and her last weeks were as comfortable as one could hope for, she felt loved and pampered actually, and was at peace and accepting. we had many many hours to continue and deepen our relationship and that brought us a lot of happiness.
we grieved together also, but it was pure and we did it together so it was ok.
our mutual friends provided a lot of visit and moral support.
her body suddenly failed monday, and she went to hospital and died within hours.
so, it was a sudden death but merciful.
it hit me like a train right in the middle of my chest.
i've never had such an intimate, precious friendship that was so involved and steady. we met to share just about every day. we were soul-friends,, we both new it.
so, i've never experienced a loss like this.
i have been able to go through it openly and have asked for and gotten a lot of support.
there is a group of mutual friends that were our "angel squad", they came for visits and brought food and checked in on her when her son or i couldn't be there, to make sure she was safe and her pain controlled.
when she passed i called one of the friends immediately, i couldn't breathe. i just cried and talked. then i thought i could be ok after i hung up but i couldn't so i called another friend to share the news, and asked if i could drive to where he was to not be alone.
he said of course so i got in my car. when i was driving i started to scream and i couldn't stop. i was kind of surprised by it but i could t stop.
when i got to where he was there was another friend there who rushed to hold me and i cried, i could not really function but he jus held me.
over the last two days i have just cried randomly with the deepest sadness for missing her. i have not known what fo do without my friend. i have not known what to do with all the words i used to share with her, all my thoughts and feelings and stories. i have not known what to do without her face and her voice and her hugs.
so, i have called my support friends, the angel squad.
i have called them and texted them randomly, just to grieve. i have felt a little awkward like o have to justify why i am so sad and why i am losing my shit. i don't. know if everyone feels that way when they cry and express so hard, like they have to apologize and explain it. but my friends have been great to me and just let me talk and cry and gasp. it helped me tremendously.
i feel a lot more peace today. i am not over it, of course i am not. but i don't feel like i am bleeding out. i realized this morning that i can still feel her, i can sense her and we know each other so well, it's only natural that in my private time, i still will talk to her. that's how i am going to do it, i am just going to still talk to her because her love for me was so real i can still feel it.
so, it's been a lot different than when my mom passed this summer. the grief around that was complicated and jagged and stained by pain related to abuse, betrayal, and abandonment. the grief around my friend is simple and pure and has only love in it.
so, even losing my friend shows me the gift of my emotional healing and transformation.
i just have to keep going.
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Post by camper78 on Oct 12, 2018 5:27:54 GMT
juniper, your words have brought tears to my eyes. I can feel some of the pain you’re experiencing and I’m so sorry for your loss. The love you have for your friend is beyond time and space - something on the soul level, as you say. What a blessing to experience such love and such grief. They are both beautiful and both belong, the sweetness and the pain. Thank you for sharing something so sacred with us here. And glad to know you are being held in safe hands during such a hard time. -Camper78
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andy
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Post by andy on Oct 12, 2018 5:47:08 GMT
Much love to you, Juniper.
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Post by goldilocks on Oct 12, 2018 7:00:55 GMT
juniperI'm holding you in my heart You miss your dear friend and grieve with wholehearted grief. You also show deep appreciation for the friendship you have shared with her and the depth of your connection. For her showing up as a soul friend, for yourself to be able to be a soul friend, for the good times of friendship before the illness, for sharing the difficult times during the illness and allowing a deepening of the friendship, for being there for her and for not being alone as you were there for her. 🌹🌹🌹 You are healing while you are hurting, feeling the pain come into a whole heart and showing you the wholeness of your heart. I actually sense your heart as always having been whole, but now being accessible where the grief around your mother was too twisted to come into without freezing up. I am not sure if what I see is accurate, but I wanted to share that. Every experience, painful or joyful, can be a healing experience if we have it wholeheartedly. 🌹🌹🌹 You rose
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2018 11:36:58 GMT
juniper, your words have brought tears to my eyes. I can feel some of the pain you’re experiencing and I’m so sorry for your loss. The love you have for your friend is beyond time and space - something on the soul level, as you say. What a blessing to experience such love and such grief. They are both beautiful and both belong, the sweetness and the pain. Thank you for sharing something so sacred with us here. And glad to know you are being held in safe hands during such a hard time. -Camper78 thank you for these beautiful words camper. i just woke up and i am missing her loving face. all i want to do is thank her and appreciate her and i'm going to do that every day. she made me feel i belong, and we had such fun and such depth also. |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2018 11:39:54 GMT
juniperI'm holding you in my heart You miss your dear friend and grieve with wholehearted grief. You also show deep appreciation for the friendship you have shared with her and the depth of your connection. For her showing up as a soul friend, for yourself to be able to be a soul friend, for the good times of friendship before the illness, for sharing the difficult times during the illness and allowing a deepening of the friendship, for being there for her and for not being alone as you were there for her. 🌹🌹🌹 You are healing while you are hurting, feeling the pain come into a whole heart and showing you the wholeness of your heart. I actually sense your heart as always having been whole, but now being accessible where the grief around your mother was too twisted to come into without freezing up. I am not sure if what I see is accurate, but I wanted to share that. Every experience, painful or joyful, can be a healing experience if we have it wholeheartedly. 🌹🌹🌹 You rose goldi, i hurt, you said it well. and you are right- the last grief is so twisted and barbed it lodged in my gut. i know it's there but if it comes up it might cut me so i want to dissolve it right where it's at. maybe my new grief will dissolve it somehow. it's powerful and pure and she helped me heal in so many ways. |
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Post by ocarina on Oct 12, 2018 19:18:15 GMT
Thank you for sharing this
Strangely this is the only description I have ever found, of what I felt when my father died. We had an wonderful relationship, close lovely and mutually supportive in a way that seems to be extremely rare. When he died, quite suddenly, I felt what could only be described as pure grief - good grief. Raw, painful and pure in a way that I have never experienced before - there were no regrets or hidden agendas just a huge empty sadness that felt - in a kind of bizarre way, close to what one should feel after loss of someone so incredibly dear.
Nearly twenty years later I still miss him intensely - but intensely and simply which is good.
Love to you.
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Post by lilyg on Oct 12, 2018 20:22:00 GMT
You've got this, strong lady 💐
I've felt this in a very similar way. I'm very glad you've your angels there with you.
I admire you for talking about this in such a raw and intimate way. It is very true and sincere 😊 take a lot of care, Juni.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2018 21:23:31 GMT
Thank you for sharing this Strangely this is the only description I have ever found, of what I felt when my father died. We had an wonderful relationship, close lovely and mutually supportive in a way that seems to be extremely rare. When he died, quite suddenly, I felt what could only be described as pure grief - good grief. Raw, painful and pure in a way that I have never experienced before - there were no regrets or hidden agendas just a huge empty sadness that felt - in a kind of bizarre way, close to what one should feel after loss of someone so incredibly dear. Nearly twenty years later I still miss him intensely - but intensely and simply which is good. Love to you. i am so touched that my expression echoed your beautiful grief. it's beautiful because of the love that gave birth to it. i understand it. it's precious and it's truly an honor to have loved and been loved in such a way. ❤️ |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2018 21:25:01 GMT
You've got this, strong lady 💐 I've felt this in a very similar way. I'm very glad you've your angels there with you. I admire you for talking about this in such a raw and intimate way. It is very true and sincere 😊 take a lot of care, Juni. ah Lily, your losses are profound, and so is your compassion. thank you🌸 |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 12, 2018 21:41:44 GMT
today i miss her lovely smile and her twinkly eyes and her voice, but even more, i feel the brightness of what an honor it was to take care of her and celebrate our friendship to the very end of her days here.
we did what friends do.
we took care of each other.
she would have done the same for me that i gladly did for her.
our relationship met my ideal of what a solid and beautiful friendship is.
it was constant, loyal, and true in every sense of the word.
we shared our appreciation and respect for each other with no holding back.
what made me truly happy, made her truly happy, and what made her truly happy, made me truly happy.
we empathized, sympathized, and celebrated with each other.
it's truly the honor of a lifetime to share what we shared as i took care of her ailing body.
she gave herself to me like a child, she trusted me and allowed me to love her down to her very bones, which showed themselves to me, just as beautiful a part of her as the flesh that used to hide them. it was natural and good to just keep living, while the living was good.
that was a beautiful thing, to love her down to her bones, neither of us felt afraid, there was no dismay. we just did this all together, and we had a lot of beautiful days. we smiled and laughed a lot!
she never complained, she accepted her changes and let me help her through them. we did what friends do.
i can't express what a gift this whole experience has been and will continue to be. it inspires me to cherish my time and the people i love, just like we did.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2018 19:52:18 GMT
i have been taking care of my dear friend, 78 year old woman who was very vibrant and healthy to all appearances- until this summer. she and i have a very close relationship, like best friends almost. we were surprised by a late stage cancer diagnosis this summer. she declined rather rapidly, but i was able to provide lots of in home care for her and her last weeks were as comfortable as one could hope for, she felt loved and pampered actually, and was at peace and accepting. we had many many hours to continue and deepen our relationship and that brought us a lot of happiness. we grieved together also, but it was pure and we did it together so it was ok. our mutual friends provided a lot of visit and moral support. her body suddenly failed monday, and she went to hospital and died within hours. so, it was a sudden death but merciful. it hit me like a train right in the middle of my chest. i've never had such an intimate, precious friendship that was so involved and steady. we met to share just about every day. we were soul-friends,, we both new it. so, i've never experienced a loss like this. i have been able to go through it openly and have asked for and gotten a lot of support. there is a group of mutual friends that were our "angel squad", they came for visits and brought food and checked in on her when her son or i couldn't be there, to make sure she was safe and her pain controlled. when she passed i called one of the friends immediately, i couldn't breathe. i just cried and talked. then i thought i could be ok after i hung up but i couldn't so i called another friend to share the news, and asked if i could drive to where he was to not be alone. he said of course so i got in my car. when i was driving i started to scream and i couldn't stop. i was kind of surprised by it but i could t stop. when i got to where he was there was another friend there who rushed to hold me and i cried, i could not really function but he jus held me. over the last two days i have just cried randomly with the deepest sadness for missing her. i have not known what fo do without my friend. i have not known what to do with all the words i used to share with her, all my thoughts and feelings and stories. i have not known what to do without her face and her voice and her hugs. so, i have called my support friends, the angel squad. i have called them and texted them randomly, just to grieve. i have felt a little awkward like o have to justify why i am so sad and why i am losing my shit. i don't. know if everyone feels that way when they cry and express so hard, like they have to apologize and explain it. but my friends have been great to me and just let me talk and cry and gasp. it helped me tremendously. i feel a lot more peace today. i am not over it, of course i am not. but i don't feel like i am bleeding out. i realized this morning that i can still feel her, i can sense her and we know each other so well, it's only natural that in my private time, i still will talk to her. that's how i am going to do it, i am just going to still talk to her because her love for me was so real i can still feel it. so, it's been a lot different than when my mom passed this summer. the grief around that was complicated and jagged and stained by pain related to abuse, betrayal, and abandonment. the grief around my friend is simple and pure and has only love in it. so, even losing my friend shows me the gift of my emotional healing and transformation. i just have to keep going. Juniper i am so very sorry to hear this very sad news. You have experienced love of a beautiful friendship and the loss of your dear friend is heartbreaking. You are in my thoughts dear lady. Lots of love ❤️ Xx |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2018 20:20:36 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs, hugs, hugs. You had a beautiful relationship with her and that is such a gift. Sometimes we experience loss that is indescribable and at times, unbearable. Take the time to grieve, my friend.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2018 20:40:43 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs, hugs, hugs. You had a beautiful relationship with her and that is such a gift. Sometimes we experience loss that is indescribable and at times, unbearable. Take the time to grieve, my friend. thank you so much @mary! the relationship was and is beautiful. she was also dismissive, and it's incredible to me how we formed such a deep bond that ultimately brought both of us to such a beautiful place. thank you for the hugs---- received and returned! |
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2018 20:42:00 GMT
Helsbells , thank you so much for your loving words. ♥️♥️♥️
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