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Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2018 11:05:46 GMT
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Post by cspragu on Oct 16, 2018 13:29:39 GMT
My question is will an FA like this always run when I am sincere and kind? Is there a good way to balance directness and availability with the FA’s need for space? Are they only attracted to emotionally unavailable and mean people?
I am very willing to leave this relationship, there are lots of people out there for me to date and I know I’ll be fine. But I also really like her, even before the cold turn, I was very much into her. TL;DR
Dating an FA who came on strong and then pulled back some after a pregnancy scare. Is there a way to stop the tail spin with an FA that becomes deactivated, and I start to feel super insecure, or am I best moving on? Any advice greatly appreciated.
Short answer....probably. She clearly has a lot of traumatic history and a lot of associated issues stemming from that history. If she is FA then the likelihood is that she has severe worthiness/self esteem issues(substantiated by the eating disorder) and isn't comfortable with the growing level of intimacy between you two. As such, she will distance and deactivate when her anxiety flares up in relation to that intimacy. They aren't attracted to emotionally unavailable people, they're often attracted to the opposite. But the intimacy and relational expectations that come along with that attraction over time are uncomfortable for them. The best thing you can do is give her space and time to come back, which she likely will do with renewed enthusiasm. But....is that the type of relationship you want to have? I just got out of an off and on relationship with the same FA for the 4th time in a year. I generally test as secure in other relationships but this girl pushes me so far into anxious territory that its maddening. The good news is that its brought some things to light that you can perhaps address while you're waiting for her to come back. The bad news is that its a cycle that's likely doomed to repeat itself, at least on her end, until she commits to getting help and working through her trauma. The sad news is that she has to WANT to seek that help and most avoidants, of either flavor, aren't motivated to do so. Its painful stuff and much easier to ignore and avoid than confront and address. I empathize with you and my advice would be to take care of yourself first. |
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Post by writerguy on Oct 16, 2018 14:50:36 GMT
I just exited a 15 year relationship with an FA that also is a recovered anorexic (and body dysmorphia) and I will say that no matter how much you love/like this person you will never have a whole relationship with her. There is just too much damage that she must spend time in therapy dealing with. The on-again-off-again nature of these kinds of relationships can take you from secure to AP over time (as I did.) I am just coming out of the fog of dealing with all of this (which included attempts at therapy, which she ended saying she would never go back to counseling with me.) If I knew then what I know now - about the attachment issues, the BDD issues, the anxiety and low-self esteem issues, I would have gotten out at the point you're at. Also be aware, that she's tried to use sex to bond with you VERY quickly. This happened to me with my ex throwing herself at me on the second date and then leaving for an MBA class so there could be no cuddling (which I now get is a red flag.) She wanted that bonding very quickly and was "fast forwarding" the relationship. Obviously, this is your life. I will only say that based on what you've written you need to ask yourself this: this is VERY early in the relationship. Do you want to do this back-and-forth for months or years of your life? You need to think seriously about that no matter how much you like this person. It's a tough, tough thing...especially if they are not working on themself. Be well.
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Post by chipper on Oct 16, 2018 15:24:41 GMT
I could have written this post 11 months ago, almost word for word. So I know where you are.
The difference is that I didn't know about attachment until after the second time she broke up with me, about 5 months in. The first time, we were NC for about a week, she told me she missed me, and I just chalked it up as early butterflies. The second time I knew something else was up.
Then's when I read about attachment (Jeb's book Avoidant & Attached). I felt like I knew enough to try again. However, for the third go around, I decided I wasn't going to stick it out unless she showed an active interest in learning about attachment and growing herself. I got her to read Attached, and that helped. I started suggesting therapy, and although she didn't say "no" outright, she wasn't ready to go. Said it "wouldn't help her." I even went so far as saying I would go with her, I would pay for it, etc. I tried to remove every objection.
She recently broke up with me for the third time, and I think her fear & anxiety about me leaving her, despite my assurances otherwise, was just too much for her to handle.
To answer your question about stopping the tailspin: The scientific literature indicates that it's possible. The trick is that both of you have to have that mindset, and both of you have to be willing to put in the work for it.
> My question is will an FA like this always run when I am sincere and kind? Is there a good way to balance directness and availability with the FA’s need for space?
Yes, but you would both need to learn how to spot it, and how to handle it. Read those books.
> Are they only attracted to emotionally unavailable and mean people?
No. Unless she tries to change herself, she'll likely react like this with any romantic partner. Clearly, she was attracted to you, and you seem to be the opposite of emotionally unavailable and mean.
For me, she was close enough to my ideal partner that I was willing to spend some time to see if she would put in the hard work. In the end though, her refusal of therapy in a dark moment of confusion and anxiety was enough for me to say enough.
I'm still sad over the loss, but I am looking forward to not dealing with the distancing.
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Post by lilyg on Oct 16, 2018 15:37:54 GMT
Hello and welcome! I had anorexia and I can tell you if she's not treating it… she will not be honest with you, or be afraid of intimacy. I even recognize that I was very FA while I was dealing with it. It is like an addiction (of counting calories, exercise, or even food if she's binge eating), you often have a lot of denial and internal struggles. I'm so sorry you're going through it. A different thing is if she's treating it and getting therapy, or if the disorder it's not that severe (but it'll still be there). I think there are a lot of things going on right now: pregnancy scare with someone she has just met, an ED, a sexual abuse case. If you're willing to go away 'without a problem', that means you're not commited to this relationship. Which is normal, as you've just been dating for two months  you're just testing the waters. Right know you're very anxious, counting the minutes she takes to respond a message, needing time after a bad weekend to think about the relationship, wanting to run away. I can understand, it's very normal, don't feel bad. But you'll not solve this if you keep going back to that anxious state. Take your time to address your insecurity so you can make better and more secure decisions, and maybe approach difficult conversations with her (as you'll have to do sooner or later. You have a lot of resources here to do some secure exercises and understand your own attachment style. Maybe if she's willing to take responsability on her own things and you both slow down a little and get to know each other little by little you can work it out simple_smile two months are very little to address a lot of important things that may be going on between the two of you. And I guess people are very different from each other but I'm a very direct person (not blunt) and it has done wonders for my relationship with someone with avoidant tendencies. I had pull/push from my partner but I was always very direct with him and at first he needed some days to reflect upon what I used to tell him, but with time he has realised we can talk and address things without causing a meltdown and not even we resolve after a few moments, but he's willing to talk to me about things he feels and we can address them normally. It takes time to balance both our needs but it's very possible, as with time you start to become an expert of your partner if you listen and learn. I'm just learning thought, I hope I can continue this path. Best of luck on your journey! |
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Post by lilyg on Oct 16, 2018 15:46:58 GMT
To answer your question about stopping the tailspin: The scientific literature indicates that it's possible. The trick is that both of you have to have that mindset, and both of you have to be willing to put in the work for it. > My question is will an FA like this always run when I am sincere and kind? Is there a good way to balance directness and availability with the FA’s need for space? Yes, but you would both need to learn how to spot it, and how to handle it. Read those books. > Are they only attracted to emotionally unavailable and mean people? No. Unless she tries to change herself, she'll likely react like this with any romantic partner. Clearly, she was attracted to you, and you seem to be the opposite of emotionally unavailable and mean. This As I always recommend, anne12 post about Avoidance, that I think is a must for someone with a partner that struggles: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1071/healing-avoidant-da-attatchmentstyleI made this post with a good interview about interacting with an avoidant partner: jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1386/interacting-avoidant-partner-interpersonal-stress |
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Post by suburbanwizard on Oct 16, 2018 15:54:24 GMT
Thanks for the thoughtful responses. I am very seriously considering getting out now, because years of this doesn't sound like the sort of life I want to lead.
I will say, she is in therapy. I suspect its for her bulimia, but she has said that she thinks strides towards self improvement are a big deal.
I'll also add that she has a very stable and large friend group, with several good friends that is in regular contact with. All of her friends she's know for years, many of them are from her time in law school a decade ago. I do feel like her ability to have many good friends is a point in her favor, is this usual or unusual in FA types?
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Post by suburbanwizard on Oct 16, 2018 16:16:03 GMT
Hello and welcome! I had anorexia and I can tell you if she's not treating it… she will not be honest with you, or be afraid of intimacy. I even recognize that I was very FA while I was dealing with it. It is like an addiction (of counting calories, exercise, or even food if she's binge eating), you often have a lot of denial and internal struggles. I'm so sorry you're going through it. A different thing is if she's treating it and getting therapy, or if the disorder it's not that severe (but it'll still be there). I think there are a lot of things going on right now: pregnancy scare with someone she has just met, an ED, a sexual abuse case. If you're willing to go away 'without a problem', that means you're not commited to this relationship. Which is normal, as you've just been dating for two months you're just testing the waters. Right know you're very anxious, counting the minutes she takes to respond a message, needing time after a bad weekend to think about the relationship, wanting to run away. I can understand, it's very normal, don't feel bad. But you'll not solve this if you keep going back to that anxious state. Take your time to address your insecurity so you can make better and more secure decisions, and maybe approach difficult conversations with her (as you'll have to do sooner or later. You have a lot of resources here to do some secure exercises and understand your own attachment style. Maybe if she's willing to take responsability on her own things and you both slow down a little and get to know each other little by little you can work it out simple_smile two months are very little to address a lot of important things that may be going on between the two of you. And I guess people are very different from each other but I'm a very direct person (not blunt) and it has done wonders for my relationship with someone with avoidant tendencies. I had pull/push from my partner but I was always very direct with him and at first he needed some days to reflect upon what I used to tell him, but with time he has realised we can talk and address things without causing a meltdown and not even we resolve after a few moments, but he's willing to talk to me about things he feels and we can address them normally. It takes time to balance both our needs but it's very possible, as with time you start to become an expert of your partner if you listen and learn. I'm just learning thought, I hope I can continue this path. Best of luck on your journey! Thanks, that was a great post. She clearly has been acting out on the bulimia lately, I don't know if its a relapse because of the sexual assault case or if she has just never really dealt with it. She has causally made jokes or references to bulimia about 4 times over the course of our courtship. She is also hyper-vigilant about calories, carbs and food being bad for you. I've been told my another friend recovering from an eating disorder that I should *not confront her about it, but let her come to me, if/when she is ready. Do you disagree? She is in therapy, and I think she might also be in a bulimia recovery group, but I am not sure. I wouldn't say without a problem, I am clearly smitten with this women, but I am also committed to my sanity over chasing people who will slowly erode it. You're very right about looking inward at my insecurity. I've done this the last week and it has very much eased my mind. I recently moved to a new city, have few friends and started working out of a home office. All of which is very isolating and no doubt had me subconsciously making her the highlight of my life, while leaving me few escapes from my mind when things went wrong. Realizing this has been very helpful for me, I think the combination of not having enough going on and a pregnancy scare clearly had a strong affect on me. I am also rather direct. The two occasions I was rather upset with her, she pulled closer. The first time we actually spent the entire next day having sex, maybe this was a manipulative move on her part. Other times that confronted her in an open non-threatening way and she has responded well to it. She admits wrong and seems very sincere. However since the last time, she has pretty clearly pulled away, which makes me wonder if my directness is threatening and instigating deactivation. I can deal with space, and I don't need constant texting or affection, but I can't deal with a relationship where if I express my needs my partner pulls away consistently. |
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Post by anne12 on Oct 16, 2018 16:28:34 GMT
From the "healing disorganized/FA thread":Dealing with a partner with some desorganized (FA) attatchmentstyle: Examine these topics to preserve your own health inside of a bond shared with a loved one with attachment injury or trauma. Can You Maintain Healthy Boundaries? We cannot change others, but we can control our reaction to their behavior. When your loved one or family member displays attachment injury, can you walk away or realize that their behavior is not truly related to you? This is difficult sometimes, as individuals often lash out due to chaotic emotions and the inability to self-regulate. Letting your loved one know your boundaries can benefit you – and them. Is your loved one ready for help? If they are unaware of the area of attachment therapy, pointing him or her toward resources to help with secure attachment might be of value. Display Sensitivity and Attunement Realize that everyone comes from a subjective place. Often, showing attunement and compassion for your loved one with attachment injury gives them a taste of secure attachment while also setting a good example. It is possible to heal attachment at any age. Attunement strategies include verbal and non-verbal qualities: Affirmations Acknowledgments Active listening Mirroring body language Eye contact Through attunement, your loved one can feel more secure, and being with less insecure people is far more pleasant. Don’t Go on the Defensive If your loved one shares a feeling with you, “I feel like my family doesn’t love or support me.” Or, “Everyone always lets me down.” Don’t come back with an immediate rebuttal. Respond while keeping in mind that it is their reality, their feelings. A compassionate response will validate their feelings and avoid the barrier that often arises with an instant rebuttal. Sometimes we need to feel heard. Good phrases to repair a disorganized attachment with your partner or other: I notice you, and what you need I'm sorry, I scared you I want to protect you, and you can count on me Let me make things clear for you If your partner runs off and is triggered/situational triggered: Remember they are looking for love and at the same time gets frightened by it. You can try give your partner contact every day, if it feels natural to you. But only short! By sms short and loving. By phone short and loving If you meet, short and loving Be clear in your communication. No ambiguities. No long explanations. Brief/short, concistent and loving If your partner could be under a lot of stress and stops the relationship out of nowhere: Find out if there are many things happening in your partners life, so it's clear if your partners thoughts fly around on everything else. For example, a new apartment, a new job and a life as a student after some years of sabbath. Right now, your partners behavior is not normal, but you nterpret it as a natural stage and do not know if you should let your partner push you away and sometimes hurt you every time, but support your partners situation right now and hope for a few days / weeks a normal level again? Does your partner ends up feeling sorry for her/his behavior and is willing to fight for it? Solution: Keep on having the dialogue with your partner. Remind your partner, that there is so much happening in her/his life right now, that it might be overwhelming for her/him. Investigate what kind of support, that overwhelmed part of your partner needs Also look at the klip with Diane Poole Heller about how to cope with a partner with some desorganised attatchmentstyle/trauma www.youtube.com/watch?v=fihihodKw_A
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Post by lilyg on Oct 16, 2018 17:29:16 GMT
Hello and welcome! I had anorexia and I can tell you if she's not treating it… she will not be honest with you, or be afraid of intimacy. I even recognize that I was very FA while I was dealing with it. It is like an addiction (of counting calories, exercise, or even food if she's binge eating), you often have a lot of denial and internal struggles. I'm so sorry you're going through it. A different thing is if she's treating it and getting therapy, or if the disorder it's not that severe (but it'll still be there). I think there are a lot of things going on right now: pregnancy scare with someone she has just met, an ED, a sexual abuse case. If you're willing to go away 'without a problem', that means you're not commited to this relationship. Which is normal, as you've just been dating for two months you're just testing the waters. Right know you're very anxious, counting the minutes she takes to respond a message, needing time after a bad weekend to think about the relationship, wanting to run away. I can understand, it's very normal, don't feel bad. But you'll not solve this if you keep going back to that anxious state. Take your time to address your insecurity so you can make better and more secure decisions, and maybe approach difficult conversations with her (as you'll have to do sooner or later. You have a lot of resources here to do some secure exercises and understand your own attachment style. Maybe if she's willing to take responsability on her own things and you both slow down a little and get to know each other little by little you can work it out simple_smile two months are very little to address a lot of important things that may be going on between the two of you. And I guess people are very different from each other but I'm a very direct person (not blunt) and it has done wonders for my relationship with someone with avoidant tendencies. I had pull/push from my partner but I was always very direct with him and at first he needed some days to reflect upon what I used to tell him, but with time he has realised we can talk and address things without causing a meltdown and not even we resolve after a few moments, but he's willing to talk to me about things he feels and we can address them normally. It takes time to balance both our needs but it's very possible, as with time you start to become an expert of your partner if you listen and learn. I'm just learning thought, I hope I can continue this path. Best of luck on your journey! Thanks, that was a great post. She clearly has been acting out on the bulimia lately, I don't know if its a relapse because of the sexual assault case or if she has just never really dealt with it. She has causally made jokes or references to bulimia about 4 times over the course of our courtship. She is also hyper-vigilant about calories, carbs and food being bad for you. I've been told my another friend recovering from an eating disorder that I should *not confront her about it, but let her come to me, if/when she is ready. Do you disagree? She is in therapy, and I think she might also be in a bulimia recovery group, but I am not sure. I wouldn't say without a problem, I am clearly smitten with this women, but I am also committed to my sanity over chasing people who will slowly erode it. You're very right about looking inward at my insecurity. I've done this the last week and it has very much eased my mind. I recently moved to a new city, have few friends and started working out of a home office. All of which is very isolating and no doubt had me subconsciously making her the highlight of my life, while leaving me few escapes from my mind when things went wrong. Realizing this has been very helpful for me, I think the combination of not having enough going on and a pregnancy scare clearly had a strong affect on me. I am also rather direct. The two occasions I was rather upset with her, she pulled closer. The first time we actually spent the entire next day having sex, maybe this was a manipulative move on her part. Other times that confronted her in an open non-threatening way and she has responded well to it. She admits wrong and seems very sincere. However since the last time, she has pretty clearly pulled away, which makes me wonder if my directness is threatening and instigating deactivation. I can deal with space, and I don't need constant texting or affection, but I can't deal with a relationship where if I express my needs my partner pulls away consistently. I'm glad to help! I had the exact same thoughts you're having some time ago. Well, EDs are very secretive and we who have them are usually very embarrassed to have them. Acting weird and out of control around food, while everybody else is normal with it makes you feel very incompetent. And then you have a lot of self hate... Anyway. When I had anorexia of course everybody could see it. I was all skin and bones but I reacted very defensive if someone brought it up. I talked about it when I felt safe. Now, as I have recovered, I almost always disclose it to friends and partners as I have peculiar ways of eating that they ask me about. Maybe you can open up a conversation around EDs in general and see what she says. Always from non-judgement and a place from love. A lot of woman have had episodes like this so it's nothing to be ashamed of 😊 maybe it's too soon now in your relationship. I understand the doubts you're having. Please try reading the links about dealing with an avoidant partner. They'll help, I promise. You'll have to not be afraid to tell her as it is, but you'll have to accept her and have patience. And she'll need to understand herself too and be commited in making the relationship a safe and important place for you both to be in. I've not gone back to my boyfriend if his heart was not on it. Amazing Anne also shared with me this, the couple's bubble, a great read: liveboldandbloom.com/11/relationships/how-to-fix-a-relationship |
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Post by epicgum on Oct 16, 2018 18:14:33 GMT
Thanks for the thoughtful responses. I am very seriously considering getting out now, because years of this doesn't sound like the sort of life I want to lead. I will say, she is in therapy. I suspect its for her bulimia, but she has said that she thinks strides towards self improvement are a big deal. I'll also add that she has a very stable and large friend group, with several good friends that is in regular contact with. All of her friends she's know for year, many of them are from her time in law school a decade ago. I do feel like her ability to have many good friends is a point in her favor, is this usual or unusual in FA types? I think this is a strong point in her favor that she has a stable group and talks regularly. I am FA and I struggle with friendships, and friendships are crucial in maintaining stability and developing vulnerability I think. HOWEVER, it's not the number of friends that counts so much as the quality of communication and the safety and openness one feels. FAs can be "performers" and chameleons, projecting whatever face best suits the needs of whoever is with them. Of course this means that while they might seem to be very socially adept, they are actually very lonely and fragile on the inside. |
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Post by writerguy on Oct 16, 2018 19:09:38 GMT
Thanks for the thoughtful responses. I am very seriously considering getting out now, because years of this doesn't sound like the sort of life I want to lead. I will say, she is in therapy. I suspect its for her bulimia, but she has said that she thinks strides towards self improvement are a big deal. I'll also add that she has a very stable and large friend group, with several good friends that is in regular contact with. All of her friends she's know for year, many of them are from her time in law school a decade ago. I do feel like her ability to have many good friends is a point in her favor, is this usual or unusual in FA types? I think this is a strong point in her favor that she has a stable group and talks regularly. I am FA and I struggle with friendships, and friendships are crucial in maintaining stability and developing vulnerability I think. HOWEVER, it's not the number of friends that counts so much as the quality of communication and the safety and openness one feels. FAs can be "performers" and chameleons, projecting whatever face best suits the needs of whoever is with them. Of course this means that while they might seem to be very socially adept, they are actually very lonely and fragile on the inside. Just to add a bit to Epic's thoughts: my ex had a large group of friends when I met her, but by the time we broke up, almost all of them had fallen by the wayside (I remained friends with a couple of them, but she did not.) Everyone is different, but I think as Epic says, look at the QUALITY of the relationships. My ex tended to have friends she would talk to mainly by text or email. Some of them - even after all the years - I never met. And, I think, this issue only got worse as the years went along and she became more avoidant. I will also say that it's a good sign she's in therapy and in a support group. Obviously that's a good first step. But be aware, some avoidants only scratch the surface in therapy and some will leave when it starts to get TOO intimate. Everyone is different. But I think turning the focus onto yourself is best. You like this woman, in some ways you're very compatible, but how much time and energy are you willing to invest for what might be no return? What might be a woman that must work on herself for now? And - I think about this often because my therapist said it to me - are YOU helping keep her stuck by being in a relationship? Maybe if you say you love her, but want to give her space to work on herself, she will. I think that as long as I was with my ex, I actually put-off her ability to have to work on herself. I was so into "fixing" and "helping" and "covering" for her in so many ways. Sometimes, as hard as it is, the loving thing to do is let them go and hope that they can do the work on themselves as YOU do the work on yourself, too. I hope that makes sense. |
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Post by writerguy on Oct 16, 2018 19:16:12 GMT
FAs can be "performers" and chameleons, projecting whatever face best suits the needs of whoever is with them. Of course this means that while they might seem to be very socially adept, they are actually very lonely and fragile on the inside. Excellent point and one I didn't understand at first. I mistook my ex for being "strong" and "confident" and realize it was all a facade to keep people from getting too close and asking too many questions. (As she got older, my ex pulled more and more away from social situations.) |
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Post by epicgum on Oct 16, 2018 19:27:55 GMT
I think this is a strong point in her favor that she has a stable group and talks regularly. I am FA and I struggle with friendships, and friendships are crucial in maintaining stability and developing vulnerability I think. HOWEVER, it's not the number of friends that counts so much as the quality of communication and the safety and openness one feels. FAs can be "performers" and chameleons, projecting whatever face best suits the needs of whoever is with them. Of course this means that while they might seem to be very socially adept, they are actually very lonely and fragile on the inside. Just to add a bit to Epic's thoughts: my ex had a large group of friends when I met her, but by the time we broke up, almost all of them had fallen by the wayside (I remained friends with a couple of them, but she did not.) Everyone is different, but I think as Epic says, look at the QUALITY of the relationships. My ex tended to have friends she would talk to mainly by text or email. Some of them - even after all the years - I never met. And, I think, this issue only got worse as the years went along and she became more avoidant. I will also say that it's a good sign she's in therapy and in a support group. Obviously that's a good first step. But be aware, some avoidants only scratch the surface in therapy and some will leave when it starts to get TOO intimate. Everyone is different. But I think turning the focus onto yourself is best. You like this woman, in some ways you're very compatible, but how much time and energy are you willing to invest for what might be no return? What might be a woman that must work on herself for now? And - I think about this often because my therapist said it to me - are YOU helping keep her stuck by being in a relationship? Maybe if you say you love her, but want to give her space to work on herself, she will. I think that as long as I was with my ex, I actually put-off her ability to have to work on herself. I was so into "fixing" and "helping" and "covering" for her in so many ways. Sometimes, as hard as it is, the loving thing to do is let them go and hope that they can do the work on themselves as YOU do the work on yourself, too. I hope that makes sense. Wow writerguy, I'd just like to chime in and say that the same thing very roughly happened to me (FA) as with your ex--I never had that many friends or deep relationships with them, but once in the romantic relationship many of the weaker ones fell away completely and the stronger ones atrophied. I "woke up" to this 2 years into the relationship and started to struggle to learn how to rebuild and find new friends--though I didn't yet realize the importance of depth and vulnerability. Now I realize if I had had stronger more intimate relationships with my friends I would have been able to open up about issues in my romance and get "out of my own head". Not sure if that is useful to OP, just noticed a similar pattern. If you do stay with the relationship, keeping an eye out as to whether she is isolating herself may be something to watch out for. In terms of the "enabling" aspect of it--well, it works the same way as with alcoholics. I only became interested in attachment theory and healing myself in response to pain. As soon as the pain went away, I stopped looking into it. Maybe if someone was there to hold my feet to the fire, or to assure me that they'd still be there for me even if I shared my darkness, I could have done this work while in the relationship, I don't know. |
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Post by suburbanwizard on Oct 16, 2018 19:31:49 GMT
I think this is a strong point in her favor that she has a stable group and talks regularly. I am FA and I struggle with friendships, and friendships are crucial in maintaining stability and developing vulnerability I think. HOWEVER, it's not the number of friends that counts so much as the quality of communication and the safety and openness one feels. FAs can be "performers" and chameleons, projecting whatever face best suits the needs of whoever is with them. Of course this means that while they might seem to be very socially adept, they are actually very lonely and fragile on the inside. Just to add a bit to Epic's thoughts: my ex had a large group of friends when I met her, but by the time we broke up, almost all of them had fallen by the wayside (I remained friends with a couple of them, but she did not.) Everyone is different, but I think as Epic says, look at the QUALITY of the relationships. My ex tended to have friends she would talk to mainly by text or email. Some of them - even after all the years - I never met. And, I think, this issue only got worse as the years went along and she became more avoidant. I will also say that it's a good sign she's in therapy and in a support group. Obviously that's a good first step. But be aware, some avoidants only scratch the surface in therapy and some will leave when it starts to get TOO intimate. Everyone is different. But I think turning the focus onto yourself is best. You like this woman, in some ways you're very compatible, but how much time and energy are you willing to invest for what might be no return? What might be a woman that must work on herself for now? And - I think about this often because my therapist said it to me - are YOU helping keep her stuck by being in a relationship? Maybe if you say you love her, but want to give her space to work on herself, she will. I think that as long as I was with my ex, I actually put-off her ability to have to work on herself. I was so into "fixing" and "helping" and "covering" for her in so many ways. Sometimes, as hard as it is, the loving thing to do is let them go and hope that they can do the work on themselves as YOU do the work on yourself, too. I hope that makes sense. I don't know if she is in fact in a group, but I do know she goes to therapy and she does seem to take it seriously. I don't know for how long she has been. Her friends seem very tight, I don't know how often she see's them, but we met up with different friends of hers on a few occasions. She seems to really care about them. She did however say that she doesn't really confide in anyone, only her therapist, so I don't think she talks about her emotions with them. Her okcupid profile, in the graph they used to have but recently removed, had her listed as significantly less trusting than most women her age. Like the bar was fully extended. I asked her about this early on, and she said it takes a while to warm up to people, but once she does, she keeps them around. This matches what I've experienced of her life. I definitely don't want to be the one that fixes her. I am not interested in a codependent I fix you type of relationship. I want a bubble type relationship lilyg linked to, but I know I can't fix her. I take this with a grain of salt, but here is her attachment type score if that helps.  |
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you're just testing the waters. 
