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Post by chipper on Oct 16, 2018 20:17:41 GMT
What do you mean by “take it with a grain of salt”?
People can attach differently in romantic and platonic relationships. So that may influence behavior with you and behavior with friends.
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Post by suburbanwizard on Oct 16, 2018 21:25:49 GMT
What do you mean by “take it with a grain of salt”? People can attach differently in romantic and platonic relationships. So that may influence behavior with you and behavior with friends. I would take the image of her test graph with a grain of salt. |
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liz
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Post by liz on Oct 16, 2018 22:17:10 GMT
I do see that she could be a troubled person due to the difficult past she had, her withdrawn personality and bulimia, but to me, there hasn't been any actions on her part you have described that would be a deal-breaker for me.
I'd cut her a lot of slack about the hot-cold sexuality due to the sexual abuse she suffered and the pregnancy scare. You've got to understand that she went through quite an ordeal, it's difficult for men to comprehend the full scope of the trauma but as a woman, I'd really be sympathetic about her fears and how she would be thrown off by this past. She apologized often for disappointing you, that's a good sign.
The biggest red flag I find in a partner is selfishness - narcissism, cheating, putting her needs and interests before yours and a sense of entitlement, etc. I read that on a psychology site about dark personalities and their common denominator. That trait would make it extremely difficult to mutually work out the kinks and differences in the relationship in the long run. If you sense that she may be selfish and lacks the ability to consider your needs and feelings, then it probably isn't going to end up well. You are the best person to judge though. If she has proven to be naturally generous in spirit, in private, not for show, then that's another positive sign. So you might need to put in a lot of work with her, but whether she is a diamond in the rough, her shine to be brought out brilliantly in the course of a long romantic journey, with trust and support from a true partner, or a potential long life-wrecking nightmare, is something you might need to carefully think over in the light of her behavior thus far. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2018 4:57:09 GMT
I don't know if it's because most of you are men, but all of you ignore the fact that she thought she was pregnant (and not ready for that) with a guy that she knew for A FEW WEEKS.
It's scary as hell no matter what is your attachment style! For some people it's normal to withdraw to process their thoughts and feelings.
Moreover she's busy, has a lot on her mind... How long was it since she found out she isn't pregnant? Two? Three weeks?
I don't think there's a reason to bring and speculate about her private life beyond that.
Especially she told you what the issue is, you're looking for hidden signs in classic AP style.
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Post by suburbanwizard on Oct 17, 2018 5:48:28 GMT
I don't know if it's because most of you are men, but all of you ignore the fact that she thought she was pregnant (and not ready for that) with a guy that she knew for A FEW WEEKS. It's scary as hell no matter what is your attachment style! For some people it's normal to withdraw to process their thoughts and feelings. Moreover she's busy, has a lot on her mind... How long was it since she found out she isn't pregnant? Two? Three weeks? I don't think there's a reason to bring and speculate about her private life beyond that. Especially she told you what the issue is, you're looking for hidden signs in classic AP style. Its been 3 weeks. You might be right, maybe I am just being selfish and freaking out over the tea leaves. As I said in another post, I moved to a new place, don't have nearly as much going on as usual and I think I am being unfair to her. I think I got so caught up in my own reaction to the pregnancy scare I didn't fully consider hers. I will say that I only got explanations after calling out behavioral shifts, that at least to me seemed significant. I think its very fair to suggest I wasn't being as empathetic I should have. I came here because this is an anonymous board and I needed to think through my feelings in a place that i could get some feedback. I don't have a therapist, because my crappy healthcare won't cover it and I can't afford it. I don't know if I am AP style, I don't think that's how I am in long term relationships at all. Perhaps I have occasional tendencies to act AP in early/shorter relationships where things more plastic. I know I normally don't feel like this, but I feel pretty nutty now. Her and I are going to talk in the morning. I don't know if we are right for each other, despite really liking her. |
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Post by chipper on Oct 17, 2018 14:32:21 GMT
I don't know if it's because most of you are men, but all of you ignore the fact that she thought she was pregnant (and not ready for that) with a guy that she knew for A FEW WEEKS. It's scary as hell no matter what is your attachment style! For some people it's normal to withdraw to process their thoughts and feelings. Moreover she's busy, has a lot on her mind... How long was it since she found out she isn't pregnant? Two? Three weeks? I don't think there's a reason to bring and speculate about her private life beyond that. Especially she told you what the issue is, you're looking for hidden signs in classic AP style. I disagree. She was 5 days late for a period. Yes, that’s concerning, but not abnormal. Combine that with other factors, such as the pulling away during a party and the test above, and there’s objectively enough here to assume she is FA. OP said he would take the test with a grain of salt. Fair, but keep in mind it’s designed by smart folks with PHD behind their name. It may not be totally accurate, but it’s worthy of more than a grain of salt, especially when considered in context of her behavior. |
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Post by chipper on Oct 17, 2018 14:35:00 GMT
Maybe one way to look at it is that her current life situation has made her a bit more FA. The sexual assault, pregnancy scare, you pulling back. Maybe that’s activated her.
But she was already there to some extent.
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Post by cspragu on Oct 17, 2018 14:58:04 GMT
The biggest red flag I find in a partner is selfishness - narcissism, cheating, putting her needs and interests before yours and a sense of entitlement, etc. I read that on a psychology site about dark personalities and their common denominator. That trait would make it extremely difficult to mutually work out the kinks and differences in the relationship in the long run. If you sense that she may be selfish and lacks the ability to consider your needs and feelings, then it probably isn't going to end up well. You are the best person to judge though. If she has proven to be naturally generous in spirit, in private, not for show, then that's another positive sign. This was the death knell of my on again off again relationship with an FA. She was consistently inconsiderate and selfish and when her behavior was hurtful I would put my foot down. She refused to engage in any type of calm, empathetic, constructive discourse about what could've been minor issues and so those things eventually just piled up until it was a mountain of unresolved frustration. She literally told me that "I gave a lot and she took a lot but didn't give much back". When asked why she said "because I'm being selfish". When asked if and when it would change she said "eventually". That should've been my cue to insert a boundary and walk away...but I didn't, due to my own anxious(bordering codependent) idea that, if I loved her harder and proved my trustworthiness, she would come around. She didn't. Moral of that story is that a pattern of selfishness and lack of consideration for(or even interest in) your needs and feelings is a huge red flag that you shouldn't ignore. That's the definition of a one sided relationship and is unacceptable, regardless of attachment style. |
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liz
Junior Member
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Post by liz on Oct 22, 2018 11:58:17 GMT
the death knell of my on again off again relationship with an FA. She was consistently inconsiderate and selfish and when her behavior was hurtful I would put my foot down. She refused to engage in any type of calm, empathetic, constructive discourse about what could've been minor issues and so those things eventually just piled up until it was a mountain of unresolved frustration. She literally told me that "I gave a lot and she took a lot but didn't give much back". When asked why she said "because I'm being selfish". When asked if and when it would change she said "eventually". That should've been my cue to insert a boundary and walk away...but I didn't, due to my own anxious(bordering codependent) idea that, if I loved her harder and proved my trustworthiness, she would come around. She didn't. Moral of that story is that a pattern of selfishness and lack of consideration for(or even interest in) your needs and feelings is a huge red flag that you shouldn't ignore. That's the definition of a one sided relationship and is unacceptable, regardless of attachment style. I concur - the most fundamental issue that would make or break relationships is the ability to focus outside of oneself and on the partner. This is where it becomes possible to see the other's point of view, understand their situation and be sympathetic, generous and supportive. All attachment types are capable of selfishness - the avoidant types are selfish by avoiding meeting the reasonable needs of their partners, and the anxious-preoccupied types are selfish in demanding that their excessive need for attention, validation, loved, etc. be met. Secures are selfish too, but they have the ability to know when they are being selfish, either through avoiding or demanding, and are able to feel remorse and adjust their attitude and behavior accordingly to meet their partners' needs. They can calibrate their behavior in their relationships.
The worst are the ones who are selfish but are too selfish to be able to see it!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2018 15:38:10 GMT
I don't know if it's because most of you are men, but all of you ignore the fact that she thought she was pregnant (and not ready for that) with a guy that she knew for A FEW WEEKS. It's scary as hell no matter what is your attachment style! For some people it's normal to withdraw to process their thoughts and feelings. Moreover she's busy, has a lot on her mind... How long was it since she found out she isn't pregnant? Two? Three weeks? I don't think there's a reason to bring and speculate about her private life beyond that. Especially she told you what the issue is, you're looking for hidden signs in classic AP style. I disagree. She was 5 days late for a period. Yes, that’s concerning, but not abnormal. Combine that with other factors, such as the pulling away during a party and the test above, and there’s objectively enough here to assume she is FA. OP said he would take the test with a grain of salt. Fair, but keep in mind it’s designed by smart folks with PHD behind their name. It may not be totally accurate, but it’s worthy of more than a grain of salt, especially when considered in context of her behavior. You disagree with what? You say that she couldn't get scared because it was "only" 5 days late? One day is enough for questions like "What now? Am I ready? Would I want him to be a father of my child? Do I want him in my life? Do I even know this guy?". And since she told him she obviously must taken that possibility seriously. Remember that for women consequences are different and our thinking is different, even if she had no intention to keep it anyway. Also remember that he is not her long term partner but someone she met a month before that "incident", someone who you don't know how she felt about, maybe it was just casual to her and it suddenly became serious. I doubt she had very strong feelings after a month, especially if she has avoidant tendencies. OP also mentioned she was in a such situation before, maybe it brought back bad memories and it made her pull away. Or you claim that because she might have an insecure attachment style her problems/fears/needs doesn't matter? She is a person, not her attachment style. It does not dictate your each and every decision. I know APs like to think that, that their DAs ended things or behave in a way they didn't like only because their attachment and ONLY IF THEY CHANGED if would have worked out. Well, no. Secure people also have problems in relationships. |
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Post by chipper on Nov 11, 2018 16:12:11 GMT
I disagree. She was 5 days late for a period. Yes, that’s concerning, but not abnormal. Combine that with other factors, such as the pulling away during a party and the test above, and there’s objectively enough here to assume she is FA. OP said he would take the test with a grain of salt. Fair, but keep in mind it’s designed by smart folks with PHD behind their name. It may not be totally accurate, but it’s worthy of more than a grain of salt, especially when considered in context of her behavior. You disagree with what? You say that she couldn't get scared because it was "only" 5 days late? One day is enough for questions like "What now? Am I ready? Would I want him to be a father of my child? Do I want him in my life? Do I even know this guy?". And since she told him she obviously must taken that possibility seriously. Remember that for women consequences are different and our thinking is different, even if she had no intention to keep it anyway. Also remember that he is not her long term partner but someone she met a month before that "incident", someone who you don't know how she felt about, maybe it was just casual to her and it suddenly became serious. I doubt she had very strong feelings after a month, especially if she has avoidant tendencies. OP also mentioned she was in a such situation before, maybe it brought back bad memories and it made her pull away. Or you claim that because she might have an insecure attachment style her problems/fears/needs doesn't matter? She is a person, not her attachment style. It does not dictate your each and every decision. I know APs like to think that, that their DAs ended things or behave in a way they didn't like only because their attachment and ONLY IF THEY CHANGED if would have worked out. Well, no. Secure people also have problems in relationships. I disagree that we shouldn’t need use these facts and circumstances to consider her attachments style. Sure, there’s other things going on here. But she still has an attachment style that’s worth investiga for OP, IMO |
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