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Post by blueunif on Oct 19, 2018 23:01:07 GMT
So the background is: We've been in the AP-DA vicious cycle for years (me anxiously trying to fix us and the more I do, the more he distances, so try even more...) This cycle has peaked a few times resulting in him threatening to break up. I've recently come to realise my responsibilities: that up till now I've hurt him so much (my anxious & manipulative behaviour), I've driven him to it HelsbellsPresently I'm dealing with a new threat (him witholding intimacy explicitly) My question was: is this really a new threat to end the relationship once and for all, or just a repeat of the same pattern? If any DAs could offer their take please? I'm trying to understand what he's REALLY asking for / needing bc, in true DA fashion, he can't put it into words. And, like a true AP, I am spinning out on a crazed mission to try and fix and control it all. I am learning, and at times manage to bring in some self-care and my own activities to break it up. It is times when I'm stuck in my own head and trawling through pages for answers that I find hard to change tack and go do something else. Any tips there? Thank you |
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Post by leavethelighton on Oct 20, 2018 0:46:23 GMT
I think you're putting too much blame on yourself. It takes two to tango.
Does he know stuff about attachment styles?
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2018 10:51:52 GMT
So the background is: We've been in the AP-DA vicious cycle for years (me anxiously trying to fix us and the more I do, the more he distances, so try even more...) This cycle has peaked a few times resulting in him threatening to break up. I've recently come to realise my responsibilities: that up till now I've hurt him so much (my anxious & manipulative behaviour), I've driven him to it HelsbellsPresently I'm dealing with a new threat (him witholding intimacy explicitly) My question was: is this really a new threat to end the relationship once and for all, or just a repeat of the same pattern? If any DAs could offer their take please? I'm trying to understand what he's REALLY asking for / needing bc, in true DA fashion, he can't put it into words. And, like a true AP, I am spinning out on a crazed mission to try and fix and control it all. I am learning, and at times manage to bring in some self-care and my own activities to break it up. It is times when I'm stuck in my own head and trawling through pages for answers that I find hard to change tack and go do something else. Any tips there? Thank you How are you today? I know I struggle terribly with communication. Do you both have good communication with each other. Has this relationship triggered your anxiety throughout. How happy are you really. I'm trying to learn the difference between is what I feel for my FA really love and how happy am i really. Or is it really all about my attachment and how he triggers me, and my real fear of abandonment over riding all logic. Like others have said, don't bare all the brunt of what's happening now x |
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Post by blueunif on Oct 22, 2018 9:09:23 GMT
I think you're putting too much blame on yourself. It takes two to tango. Does he know stuff about attachment styles? I do know his hefty 50% of the responsibility - just didn't say much about it. Doesn't know anything about attachment styles and would be very closed to it - shuts off about anything that comes from me really, esp if I mention the word 'counselling' or therapy or any such. I try to avoid bringing those up, or only say it about myself. I've stuffed up too often in the past, pushing my agenda far beyond what they could handle  |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 22, 2018 9:54:37 GMT
I think you're putting too much blame on yourself. It takes two to tango. Does he know stuff about attachment styles? I do know his hefty 50% of the responsibility - just didn't say much about it. Doesn't know anything about attachment styles and would be very closed to it - shuts off about anything that comes from me really, esp if I mention the word 'counselling' or therapy or any such. I try to avoid bringing those up, or only say it about myself. I've stuffed up too often in the past, pushing my agenda far beyond what they could handle But is it truly an agenda or is it you stuffing your legitimate needs that you don't know how to properly express? Think about that...what are you saying to/about yourself when "he" becomes the focus? I think the answer does not lie in understanding him...it comes from undstanding/loving and respecting who you are. What do you need? Can you express that in a self honoring way? |
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Post by blueunif on Oct 22, 2018 10:18:22 GMT
So here I am on the rollercoaster.... sometimes I feel a tantrum coming on and want to scream that I'm done with and leaving this time bc no one should treat me this way. However I know that this also is just a AP ploy to get a reaction. So then I just get stuck in limbo, stuck here. I guess it will take as long as it takes and in the meantime I have to remember to be kind to myself. (long way from mastering that!) leavethelighton thank you, I think there is much work to do in this department, and I've only just recently realised, which is why I ended up on this forum  |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 22, 2018 10:27:41 GMT
So here I am on the rollercoaster.... sometimes I feel a tantrum coming on and want to scream that I'm done with and leaving this time bc no one should treat me this way. However I know that this also is just a AP ploy to get a reaction. So then I just get stuck in limbo, stuck here. I guess it will take as long as it takes and in the meantime I have to remember to be kind to myself. (long way from mastering that!) leavethelighton thank you, I think there is much work to do in this department, and I've only just recently realised, which is why I ended up on this forum So..instead of having the tantrum.....try to see what legitimate needs are behind the tantrum and then see if you can ap calmly express those to him in a way that honors you. What I know I struggle with as an AP is that I have needs...but I have a limited tool box...so then I judge the tools I have as ineffective and decide that since those don't work...I will remain stuck. What I am suggesting is...you have a chance to add a tool....but that will require handling your legitimate needs in a very different way. |
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Post by lilyg on Oct 22, 2018 10:37:29 GMT
So here I am on the rollercoaster.... sometimes I feel a tantrum coming on and want to scream that I'm done with and leaving this time bc no one should treat me this way. However I know that this also is just a AP ploy to get a reaction. So then I just get stuck in limbo, stuck here. I guess it will take as long as it takes and in the meantime I have to remember to be kind to myself. (long way from mastering that!) leavethelighton thank you, I think there is much work to do in this department, and I've only just recently realised, which is why I ended up on this forum So..instead of having the tantrum.....try to see what legitimate needs are behind the tantrum and then see if you can ap calmly express those to him in a way that honors you. What I know I struggle with as an AP is that I have needs...but I have a limited tool box...so then I judge the tools I have as ineffective and decide that since those don't work...I will remain stuck. What I am suggesting is...you have a chance to add a tool....but that will require handling your legitimate needs in a very different way. This advice is amazing! |
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Post by blueunif on Oct 23, 2018 7:33:42 GMT
So here I am on the rollercoaster.... sometimes I feel a tantrum coming on and want to scream that I'm done with and leaving this time bc no one should treat me this way. However I know that this also is just a AP ploy to get a reaction. So then I just get stuck in limbo, stuck here. I guess it will take as long as it takes and in the meantime I have to remember to be kind to myself. (long way from mastering that!) leavethelighton thank you, I think there is much work to do in this department, and I've only just recently realised, which is why I ended up on this forum So..instead of having the tantrum.....try to see what legitimate needs are behind the tantrum and then see if you can ap calmly express those to him in a way that honors you. What I know I struggle with as an AP is that I have needs...but I have a limited tool box...so then I judge the tools I have as ineffective and decide that since those don't work...I will remain stuck. What I am suggesting is...you have a chance to add a tool....but that will require handling your legitimate needs in a very different way. Thanks again tnr9 . Any suggestions for baby steps toward this? So far all I know is that my needs are the things that trigger my DA (hence the AP-DA cycle). I'm not sure if it's just a case of wording them differently. But the reason I'm stuck is I'm too scared to set off his trigger--> cycle all over again. |
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Post by lilyg on Oct 23, 2018 7:56:19 GMT
So..instead of having the tantrum.....try to see what legitimate needs are behind the tantrum and then see if you can ap calmly express those to him in a way that honors you. What I know I struggle with as an AP is that I have needs...but I have a limited tool box...so then I judge the tools I have as ineffective and decide that since those don't work...I will remain stuck. What I am suggesting is...you have a chance to add a tool....but that will require handling your legitimate needs in a very different way. Thanks again tnr9 . Any suggestions for baby steps toward this? So far all I know is that my needs are the things that trigger my DA (hence the AP-DA cycle). I'm not sure if it's just a case of wording them differently. But the reason I'm stuck is I'm to scared to set off his trigger--> cycle all over again. Feel free to search for my last posts, there are some great replies to them from great posters here, APs and partners of DAs. Some really nice and kind advice and some kick in the butt to stop giving into each other's narrative I know it's super hard, I've found that I chose my partner because it's a person that makes me revisit my most internal conflicts, ones that I thought were a thing in the past. I hope you can find the answers you're looking for. Wish you the best! |
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Post by blueunif on Oct 23, 2018 8:32:01 GMT
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 23, 2018 13:38:20 GMT
So..instead of having the tantrum.....try to see what legitimate needs are behind the tantrum and then see if you can ap calmly express those to him in a way that honors you. What I know I struggle with as an AP is that I have needs...but I have a limited tool box...so then I judge the tools I have as ineffective and decide that since those don't work...I will remain stuck. What I am suggesting is...you have a chance to add a tool....but that will require handling your legitimate needs in a very different way. Thanks again tnr9 . Any suggestions for baby steps toward this? So far all I know is that my needs are the things that trigger my DA (hence the AP-DA cycle). I'm not sure if it's just a case of wording them differently. But the reason I'm stuck is I'm too scared to set off his trigger--> cycle all over again. Before you even approach him...sit with yourself....ask yourself...what are my needs? Write everything that comes into your mind no matter what it is or your initial reaction to it. Then walk away from that list for a bit...do something kind for yourself. Come back to it and ask the same question...do this cycle until nothing more comes to your mind. That would be the first step....get your needs out of your head and onto paper. Don't focus on any next steps....just focus on this one....and let me know when you are done....take as much time as you want on this step....and don't judge anything that comes to mind...just write it down. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 23, 2018 14:03:58 GMT
As APs, I think we are somewhat afraid of our needs because when we were little...our needs were not met....so we have 2 opposing forces....one that says...I have legitimate needs, the other that says my/your (depending on your internal voice) needs will not be met...and out of that chaos...we developed protest behaviors. Taking time to write out your needs without judgement...provides validation that yes...you have needs..and your needs are legitimate to you.
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Post by blueunif on Oct 24, 2018 0:17:03 GMT
As APs, I think we are somewhat afraid of our needs because when we were little...our needs were not met....so we have 2 opposing forces....one that says...I have legitimate needs, the other that says my/your (depending on your internal voice) needs will not be met...and out of that chaos...we developed protest behaviors. Taking time to write out your needs without judgement...provides validation that yes...you have needs..and your needs are legitimate to you. Thanks tnr9 . I think my confusion is over my needs being those child needs, so therefore they are needs that I need to provide for myself, rather than seeking them out in my partner.
So for example, I will state my need as "I need verbal and physical displays of affection". This is a true and valid need however I know that the source of it is the wounded child, and so should not be expecting it from a partner!
Also messed up in that is knowing saying that will trigger the AP distancing. (Annnnd I know all this is a judgement which you advised me not to do!!!!!  )
All in all, I will do the writing out exercise and see what it brings, so thank you for putting me on a good path.
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 24, 2018 1:53:35 GMT
As APs, I think we are somewhat afraid of our needs because when we were little...our needs were not met....so we have 2 opposing forces....one that says...I have legitimate needs, the other that says my/your (depending on your internal voice) needs will not be met...and out of that chaos...we developed protest behaviors. Taking time to write out your needs without judgement...provides validation that yes...you have needs..and your needs are legitimate to you. Thanks tnr9 . I think my confusion is over my needs being those child needs, so therefore they are needs that I need to provide for myself, rather than seeking them out in my partner.
So for example, I will state my need as "I need verbal and physical displays of affection". This is a true and valid need however I know that the source of it is the wounded child, and so should not be expecting it from a partner!
Also messed up in that is knowing saying that will trigger the AP distancing. (Annnnd I know all this is a judgement which you advised me not to do!!!!! )
All in all, I will do the writing out exercise and see what it brings, so thank you for putting me on a good path.
I would counter that most adults (secures included) need physical and verbal displays of affection...it is not just your little girl..it is the adult you as well....and no...that should not only come from yourself....healthy friendships are also part of the equation. |
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