Post by ians on Oct 25, 2018 20:03:55 GMT
OK so I just discovered Attachment Theory this week. Took the quiz, but no surprise to discover I'm AP.
A love-interest I've known a few years while volunteering is DA, with a lot of anxiety thrown in. I always felt strongly attracted to her, but worked hard to keep things platonic. About 18 months ago I got too close and was quickly put in my place. I withdrew, and came to realise there's probably a deep-seated reason she generally only works with women, kids and animals.
After a few weeks of very sporadic contact, I got an email from her "we miss you" (at the volunteer events she leads). So I agreed to go back to those events. As months passed, she became gradually more affectionate with me. She kept putting out small hints and cues. She seemed to push her own anxiety through the roof just to get close. She obviously enjoyed the regular physical contact of subtle touches but with just enough "plausible deniability".
The chemistry in my brain went nuts. Rational thought would check out whenever I looked at her.
Eventually I thought "OK cool, I'll respond". So I touched her back the same way. She was delighted. Never seen her so happy. She was just going away, so I said we'd catch up on her return. We had a few text exchanges while she was away (which I can now see were very probably stressing her out if she's DA.... if only I had known, I'd happily have left her alone).
She got back, and I suggested we meet up. She was bummed about being back home, as she'd had a great trip. I just wanted to cheer her up, as I could always make her laugh. But she freaked out when I dared to suggest we were close. Told me I made her uncomfortable, and not for the first time, and that she didn't want to be friends, would only be involved with me as a volunteer.
Then she went a big step further, which I feel was totally not necessary: completely "ghosted" me.
I'm still involved with the volunteering. Why should I deprive myself of that weekly pleasure just because she has a problem? I don't sign up for the regular events that she leads, which must make other regulars wonder, but no big deal there's other stuff I can do without her. There's no similar facility close to my home, and I have other friends there. So anything else I do would suck and admit "defeat", and I lose out even though I did nothing so badly wrong.
She's now acting really disturbed around me. Perhaps it's her karma for ghosting, which she now cannot undo without admitting she overreacted and owes an apology. I figured she'd calm down when she sees I'm not a psycho about to tear her a new one for such behavior. She's obviously not "over" me, even though we haven't communicated in over 3 months.
Last weekend, she took a bunch of photos of her friend which have my car in the background, and posted those on a shared FB group that I can still see.
The photos are innocent enough, but this sent my head into overdrive. She 100% knows which is my car, so this was no accident.
So.... I'm wondering what message she's trying to send. She has to know that her behavior in July was immature, and now also knows I'm not looking for revenge or to embarrass her about that in front of her friends.
It just seems to me that she's not nearly as "done" as she'd decided to be.
I guess I just have to wait, play it cool, be patient. But the confusion and loss of sleep isn't helping me get back to rational thinking.
A love-interest I've known a few years while volunteering is DA, with a lot of anxiety thrown in. I always felt strongly attracted to her, but worked hard to keep things platonic. About 18 months ago I got too close and was quickly put in my place. I withdrew, and came to realise there's probably a deep-seated reason she generally only works with women, kids and animals.
After a few weeks of very sporadic contact, I got an email from her "we miss you" (at the volunteer events she leads). So I agreed to go back to those events. As months passed, she became gradually more affectionate with me. She kept putting out small hints and cues. She seemed to push her own anxiety through the roof just to get close. She obviously enjoyed the regular physical contact of subtle touches but with just enough "plausible deniability".
The chemistry in my brain went nuts. Rational thought would check out whenever I looked at her.
Eventually I thought "OK cool, I'll respond". So I touched her back the same way. She was delighted. Never seen her so happy. She was just going away, so I said we'd catch up on her return. We had a few text exchanges while she was away (which I can now see were very probably stressing her out if she's DA.... if only I had known, I'd happily have left her alone).
She got back, and I suggested we meet up. She was bummed about being back home, as she'd had a great trip. I just wanted to cheer her up, as I could always make her laugh. But she freaked out when I dared to suggest we were close. Told me I made her uncomfortable, and not for the first time, and that she didn't want to be friends, would only be involved with me as a volunteer.
Then she went a big step further, which I feel was totally not necessary: completely "ghosted" me.
I'm still involved with the volunteering. Why should I deprive myself of that weekly pleasure just because she has a problem? I don't sign up for the regular events that she leads, which must make other regulars wonder, but no big deal there's other stuff I can do without her. There's no similar facility close to my home, and I have other friends there. So anything else I do would suck and admit "defeat", and I lose out even though I did nothing so badly wrong.
She's now acting really disturbed around me. Perhaps it's her karma for ghosting, which she now cannot undo without admitting she overreacted and owes an apology. I figured she'd calm down when she sees I'm not a psycho about to tear her a new one for such behavior. She's obviously not "over" me, even though we haven't communicated in over 3 months.
Last weekend, she took a bunch of photos of her friend which have my car in the background, and posted those on a shared FB group that I can still see.
The photos are innocent enough, but this sent my head into overdrive. She 100% knows which is my car, so this was no accident.
So.... I'm wondering what message she's trying to send. She has to know that her behavior in July was immature, and now also knows I'm not looking for revenge or to embarrass her about that in front of her friends.
It just seems to me that she's not nearly as "done" as she'd decided to be.
I guess I just have to wait, play it cool, be patient. But the confusion and loss of sleep isn't helping me get back to rational thinking.
