Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2018 21:28:09 GMT
leavethelighton - have you ever heard of the book 'The Truth' by Neil Strauss? I just finished reading it - it's about his journey from avoidant to secure, and he explores all his thoughts around sex and his deactivating behaviours and it just sounds almost exactly like your own. It might be really insightful for you to read it too  I also read "the truth" and I LOVED it. Really easy and fun read. I'm so glad someone else has read it too! It's a really interesting book! It was a really tough love kind of book for me to read as an AP-leaning FA, especially as it was recommended to me by the last avoidant I dated after we called things off. It seemed like it was his way of professing a version of his truth to me without saying it directly, as it was the book that made him realise his attachment style and my own. But I really have to say, it was eye-opening in so many ways to read from an AP point of view, because it showed me just how differently my activated behaviours and standards are perceived by a DA/FA than I mean them - it actually made me cringe! Also eye-opening for my FA side who is always on the look-out for the "next". The scene in the bathroom with Anne, where she can't stand behind her own needs and stick to them, and how even after communicating his limitations, her laying her head on his lap, and his internal dialogue of how dumbfounded he is that she would even be that way really struck a chord with me and I don't think I can forget that. It made me feel embarrassed of all of the ways I've thrown myself under the bus for a fantasy and how crazy I must seem to the other person to disrespect myself in that way. Where do you fall on the attachment continuum epicgum ? What insights did you find in the book? |
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Oct 30, 2018 22:23:06 GMT
I also read "the truth" and I LOVED it. Really easy and fun read. I'm so glad someone else has read it too! It's a really interesting book! It was a really tough love kind of book for me to read as an AP-leaning FA, especially as it was recommended to me by the last avoidant I dated after we called things off. It seemed like it was his way of professing a version of his truth to me without saying it directly, as it was the book that made him realise his attachment style and my own. But I really have to say, it was eye-opening in so many ways to read from an AP point of view, because it showed me just how differently my activated behaviours and standards are perceived by a DA/FA than I mean them - it actually made me cringe! Also eye-opening for my FA side who is always on the look-out for the "next". The scene in the bathroom with Anne, where she can't stand behind her own needs and stick to them, and how even after communicating his limitations, her laying her head on his lap, and his internal dialogue of how dumbfounded he is that she would even be that way really struck a chord with me and I don't think I can forget that. It made me feel embarrassed of all of the ways I've thrown myself under the bus for a fantasy and how crazy I must seem to the other person to disrespect myself in that way. Where do you fall on the attachment continuum epicgum ? What insights did you find in the book? I'm most likely FA...for the book, in could really identify with the character, except he was in some ways worse than me....so made me feel better! |
|
|
|
Post by leavethelighton on Oct 31, 2018 0:15:45 GMT
I'm very similar, 15+ years marriage, held in a pattern but now it's soured & we have to take a break altogether. From my search for similar answers, it seems nothing much can happen if the emotional connection isn't there - something that we both wrecked being in our DA-AP cycle. Staggering to recover something back now, i hope you find your way soon too. P.s. i think the fantasising can get addictive, can you try giving it up - leave the lights on Unlikely on giving up fantasy, but I could work on making them more strategic... |
|
|
|
Post by blueunif on Oct 31, 2018 0:33:56 GMT
I'm very similar, 15+ years marriage, held in a pattern but now it's soured & we have to take a break altogether. From my search for similar answers, it seems nothing much can happen if the emotional connection isn't there - something that we both wrecked being in our DA-AP cycle. Staggering to recover something back now, i hope you find your way soon too. P.s. i think the fantasising can get addictive, can you try giving it up - leave the lights on Unlikely on giving up fantasy, but I could work on making them more strategic... Fantasy is actually a healthy part of sexuality, I guess you are worried about depending on it too much, so it was prob unrealistic of me to suggest giving it up - I take that back. Not sure what you meant by 'strategic'..?? I think there are lots of techniques to explore as it is such a common problem that I bet most couples encounter. And because it is a physical, bodily thing, I think it can be improved with 'training' like a sport. Fake it till you make it? Old habits die hard so go easy on yourself. |
|
|
|
Post by leavethelighton on Oct 31, 2018 0:45:03 GMT
leavethelighton - have you ever heard of the book 'The Truth' by Neil Strauss? I just finished reading it - it's about his journey from avoidant to secure, and he explores all his thoughts around sex and his deactivating behaviours and it just sounds almost exactly like your own. It might be really insightful for you to read it too Interesting-- I have not heard of that book but I'll check it out. I wonder if I'll relate at all or feel like there's too much of a gender difference (I'm female) and I'll but it sounds like it could be worth reading. Thanks for telling me about it. |
|
|
|
Post by leavethelighton on Oct 31, 2018 0:50:04 GMT
Unlikely on giving up fantasy, but I could work on making them more strategic... Fantasy is actually a healthy part of sexuality, I guess you are worried about depending on it too much, so it was prob unrealistic of me to suggest giving it up - I take that back. Not sure what you meant by 'strategic'..?? I think there are lots of techniques to explore as it is such a common problem that I bet most couples encounter. And because it is a physical, bodily thing, I think it can be improved with 'training' like a sport. Fake it till you make it? Old habits die hard so go easy on yourself. I suppose one would have to explore what strategic means-- I guess I mean more deliberate. For instance I almost never fantasize about my partner-- isn't the point of fantasy what you don't/can't have? I have no desire to fantasize about my actual partner. But I could try it and see what happens. I also have a lot of fantasies that reinforce certain attachment patterns. Like I'll be enjoying a fantasy figure for awhile, but they end up disassociating, leaving, etc. I used to think my mind was just working through abandonment issues, but it's starting to seem more like a rut. Like why keep fantasizing about being left by someone I desire? I could more consciously break that pattern even though that fantasy sort of keeps happening. |
|
|
|
Post by faithopelove on Oct 31, 2018 0:55:37 GMT
Fantasy is actually a healthy part of sexuality, I guess you are worried about depending on it too much, so it was prob unrealistic of me to suggest giving it up - I take that back. Not sure what you meant by 'strategic'..?? I think there are lots of techniques to explore as it is such a common problem that I bet most couples encounter. And because it is a physical, bodily thing, I think it can be improved with 'training' like a sport. Fake it till you make it? Old habits die hard so go easy on yourself. I suppose one would have to explore what strategic means-- I guess I mean more deliberate. For instance I almost never fantasize about my partner-- isn't the point of fantasy what you don't/can't have? I have no desire to fantasize about my actual partner. But I could try it and see what happens. I also have a lot of fantasies that reinforce certain attachment patterns. Like I'll be enjoying a fantasy figure for awhile, but they end up disassociating, leaving, etc. I used to think my mind was just working through abandonment issues, but it's starting to seem more like a rut. Like why keep fantasizing about being left by someone I desire? I could more consciously break that pattern even though that fantasy sort of keeps happening. I never felt love and desire for a person so strongly until the last guy I dated- my ex DA that I still see. I can tell you since the first time we were together that he’s all I fantasize about- I loved it bc for once I was fully focused on the person I was with...in the moment. I want it to always be that way- I won’t date or be with someone again that I don’t have physical chemistry with...just looking back on my relationships, I won’t be content any other way. |
|
|
|
Post by epicgum on Oct 31, 2018 2:54:42 GMT
Fantasy is actually a healthy part of sexuality, I guess you are worried about depending on it too much, so it was prob unrealistic of me to suggest giving it up - I take that back. Not sure what you meant by 'strategic'..?? I think there are lots of techniques to explore as it is such a common problem that I bet most couples encounter. And because it is a physical, bodily thing, I think it can be improved with 'training' like a sport. Fake it till you make it? Old habits die hard so go easy on yourself. I suppose one would have to explore what strategic means-- I guess I mean more deliberate. For instance I almost never fantasize about my partner-- isn't the point of fantasy what you don't/can't have? I have no desire to fantasize about my actual partner. But I could try it and see what happens. I also have a lot of fantasies that reinforce certain attachment patterns. Like I'll be enjoying a fantasy figure for awhile, but they end up disassociating, leaving, etc. I used to think my mind was just working through abandonment issues, but it's starting to seem more like a rut. Like why keep fantasizing about being left by someone I desire? I could more consciously break that pattern even though that fantasy sort of keeps happening. Personally, (not exclusicely) I fantasized about my partner a lot, and I sometimes sought out pornography of women with similar bodies/that reminded me of her. Fantasizing about my partner sometimes helped me to build up and work through sexual scenes that I then shared with her. I definitely fantasized and used porn WAAAY to much, maybe even addicted to it, but it has some pluses in terms of building up sexual creativity. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Nov 8, 2018 18:42:01 GMT
leavethelighton - have you ever heard of the book 'The Truth' by Neil Strauss? I just finished reading it - it's about his journey from avoidant to secure, and he explores all his thoughts around sex and his deactivating behaviours and it just sounds almost exactly like your own. It might be really insightful for you to read it too Interesting-- I have not heard of that book but I'll check it out. I wonder if I'll relate at all or feel like there's too much of a gender difference (I'm female) and I'll but it sounds like it could be worth reading. Thanks for telling me about it. After reading this thread, I read the book and I related to it so much and I am female. I think the characters were a bit flat (one being so bad and one being so good) but it gave me a lot of insight into my life story and his search was very similar to mine. |
|
