Eye contact and insecure chains | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

faithopelove
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Eye contact and insecure chains Oct 28, 2018 19:29:35 GMT via mobile blueunif likes this

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Post by faithopelove on Oct 28, 2018 19:29:35 GMT

Hi everyone- I’m curious if any of you have experienced this...I read the article from psychalive posted by alexandra. The article discussed the famous experiment that described moms leaving and returning to her children to observe the children’s reactions to mom. Upon mom’s return, the anxiously attached toddlers acted clingy and needy towards mom but avoided eye contact.

I found this interesting because at 43 years old, I cannot look either of my parents in the eye- one second is all I can manage and even that is uncomfortable and painful to me. However, I make a point of maintaining eye contact with others and I’m able to do it. Anyone else of any attachment experience this?

I also found it disheartening that attachment styles of a parent are often passed down to their children. From a very young age, I always swore I would not be the parent my parents were to me, but I’m afraid my divorce caused some emotional damage. Do any parents on the board engage in behaviors to try to disrupt the chain of insecure attachment? For example, I’ve always made it a priority to promote affection, acceptance and open communication with my children as a way of breaking the cycle.

Thanks for any input!

Last Edit: Oct 28, 2018 19:34:08 GMT by faithopelove

leavethelighton
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Eye contact and insecure chains Oct 28, 2018 23:49:25 GMT faithopelove and blueunif like this

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Post by leavethelighton on Oct 28, 2018 23:49:25 GMT

Hmm interesting. I can't remember actually trying to look my parents in the eye. The next time we're in the same town I will try it and get back to you, but maybe it's also telling that I have no idea what the answer to this is (which verywell may mean it isn't something we do).

As a parent myself, I maybe overcompensate and sometimes swing too far in the other direction (ex: holding on a bit too tight to compensate for feeling like my parents didn't hold on enough). However, I recognize that in trying to not create one problem we can risk creating a different one (Ex. you don't want them to feel alone in the world, but then you're at risk of being too controlling or not letting them have their freedom). I'm getting better at finding a balance to create a consistent, secure space but also let my children the freedom to grow and be who they are, but it's a process of course, and I have to read a lot of parenting books and do a lot of reflection and conscious, daily action to achieve that balance. I think as you phrased it "affection, acceptance and open communication" is great way to look at the general goal.

blueunif
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Eye contact and insecure chains Oct 31, 2018 0:04:05 GMT

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Post by blueunif on Oct 31, 2018 0:04:05 GMT

Hi faithopelove you have described exactly what I experience too. At times I have 'forced' myself to make eye contact with my parents and it is so uncomfortable that I think they also find it alien and we lock into a glaze of not seeing each other. Just awful. Mostly we just don't make eye contact because it's easier.

I'm afraid I've passed down a lot of wounded habits to my 12 year old, and I really worry about it. Sometimes I forgive myself and tell myself I'm doing what I can, and it's miles more than what I got. There are lots of faults (eg. lack of eye contact - so frustrated by this!). I try to reinvent the way I engage but it's very mechanical. I will just have to say it's better than nothing

Any other tips there?

faithopelove
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Eye contact and insecure chains Oct 31, 2018 0:50:38 GMT via mobile

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Post by faithopelove on Oct 31, 2018 0:50:38 GMT

Oct 31, 2018 0:04:05 GMT blueunif said:

Hi faithopelove you have described exactly what I experience too. At times I have 'forced' myself to make eye contact with my parents and it is so uncomfortable that I think they also find it alien and we lock into a glaze of not seeing each other. Just awful. Mostly we just don't make eye contact because it's easier.

I'm afraid I've passed down a lot of wounded habits to my 12 year old, and I really worry about it. Sometimes I forgive myself and tell myself I'm doing what I can, and it's miles more than what I got. There are lots of faults (eg. lack of eye contact - so frustrated by this!). I try to reinvent the way I engage but it's very mechanical. I will just have to say it's better than nothing

Any other tips there?

The eye contact thing is painful! I can’t even try, honestly. I look away...
Ever since I was a little girl I wanted a big, happy, loving family. Basically the opposite of everything I had...so since having my kids I made it a point to be open, loving and accepting with them. My mom’s love was narcissistic and conditional so I always told my kids and tried to show them that I loved that no matter what. My mom was also very critical and cold so I try to be warm and encourage their independence. I only push them to make friends and nothing more- my mom was all about appearance and image and I can tell you, I care more about what my 4 boys think than any image we project outside of my house. I do have concerns over my soon to be 16 year old bc he shows signs of avoidant behavior- shut down and hands off. My youngest son was only two in my separation with my husband and I have concerns about him, as well. He seems anxious and insecure and tells me he loves me 20 times a day- seeks a lot of assurance. I try my best though and I can only hope each generation gets a little healthier.