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Post by tnr9 on Oct 29, 2018 18:24:51 GMT
So yesterday....I was in a really swirly, needy, desperate place and I called B. We had a good conversation which ended with him saying he planned to come over between doctor appointments. He literally just left after being here for 2 hours...I did a lot better this time...was far more rational and just spoke in friendly terms...but then I noticed his screen saver was a vineyard (it was a picture from the day that he went to the vineyard with the other girl and some of her friends) and I could feel my whole attitude starting to change. Just that picture alone was enough for me to start going down the rabbit's hole of comparison.....he never had a screensaver from when he and I were together..and it just spiraled in my head from there.....we did not talk about her at all. I was all of a sudden noticing myself being paranoid and suspicious in my thoughts...he had a scripture verse on the photo and the immediate thought was it as about her...he had a group photo from the trip and my thought were he was saving it because of her...he hasn't been watching football (which he skipped community for when he and I were dating) because he he is trying to get to know the community...my thought was...it is because he wants to get to know her....on and on.....it just spiraled through my head.....I did not say anything to him....and we hugged goodbye...but oh.....it was really painful at the end for me to sit with these thoughts. I am ok....thankfully I am still working and have numbed myself or at least put distance between myself and my feelings...but I know when I let them actually sink in...it is going to sting....and i tell myself that this is good...this is progress....because I have a moment to reflect and see how I am doing all of this to myself. So I have an opportunity to change things...I just don't know how I will do that.
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Post by alexandra on Oct 29, 2018 19:45:27 GMT
tnr9, your high awareness of your anxious thoughts is great and half the battle. Allow yourself to feel the pain when he's not around and try to sit with it, explore where this need for comparison is really coming from. After you have released some of the anguish, maybe you can do some DBT work and consider how you may provide the validation you're still seeking from B (and perceiving he's giving elsewhere, true or not) to yourself?
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 29, 2018 23:09:39 GMT
So yesterday....I was in a really swirly, needy, desperate place and I called B. We had a good conversation which ended with him saying he planned to come over between doctor appointments. He literally just left after being here for 2 hours...I did a lot better this time...was far more rational and just spoke in friendly terms...but then I noticed his screen saver was a vineyard (it was a picture from the day that he went to the vineyard with the other girl and some of her friends) and I could feel my whole attitude starting to change. Just that picture alone was enough for me to start going down the rabbit's hole of comparison.....he never had a screensaver from when he and I were together..and it just spiraled in my head from there.....we did not talk about her at all. I was all of a sudden noticing myself being paranoid and suspicious in my thoughts...he had a scripture verse on the photo and the immediate thought was it as about her...he had a group photo from the trip and my thought were he was saving it because of her...he hasn't been watching football (which he skipped community for when he and I were dating) because he he is trying to get to know the community...my thought was...it is because he wants to get to know her....on and on.....it just spiraled through my head.....I did not say anything to him....and we hugged goodbye...but oh.....it was really painful at the end for me to sit with these thoughts. I am ok....thankfully I am still working and have numbed myself or at least put distance between myself and my feelings...but I know when I let them actually sink in...it is going to sting....and i tell myself that this is good...this is progress....because I have a moment to reflect and see how I am doing all of this to myself. So I have an opportunity to change things...I just don't know how I will do that. Just keep being honest and kind to yourself. I think still being around our exes while trying to heal AP takes a tremendous amount of self-control and puts us in a little bit of a “boiling pot” at times. I get you wanting to keep the connection with B....I’m just curious, what does he get out of it? I’m just wondering about his motivation- I think must guys who are done would move on, for various reasons. Yet, he sees you for long visits. Do you wonder why he does this? Is he hanging onto hope? |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 29, 2018 23:21:35 GMT
So yesterday....I was in a really swirly, needy, desperate place and I called B. We had a good conversation which ended with him saying he planned to come over between doctor appointments. He literally just left after being here for 2 hours...I did a lot better this time...was far more rational and just spoke in friendly terms...but then I noticed his screen saver was a vineyard (it was a picture from the day that he went to the vineyard with the other girl and some of her friends) and I could feel my whole attitude starting to change. Just that picture alone was enough for me to start going down the rabbit's hole of comparison.....he never had a screensaver from when he and I were together..and it just spiraled in my head from there.....we did not talk about her at all. I was all of a sudden noticing myself being paranoid and suspicious in my thoughts...he had a scripture verse on the photo and the immediate thought was it as about her...he had a group photo from the trip and my thought were he was saving it because of her...he hasn't been watching football (which he skipped community for when he and I were dating) because he he is trying to get to know the community...my thought was...it is because he wants to get to know her....on and on.....it just spiraled through my head.....I did not say anything to him....and we hugged goodbye...but oh.....it was really painful at the end for me to sit with these thoughts. I am ok....thankfully I am still working and have numbed myself or at least put distance between myself and my feelings...but I know when I let them actually sink in...it is going to sting....and i tell myself that this is good...this is progress....because I have a moment to reflect and see how I am doing all of this to myself. So I have an opportunity to change things...I just don't know how I will do that. Just keep being honest and kind to yourself. I think still being around our exes while trying to heal AP takes a tremendous amount of self-control and puts us in a little bit of a “boiling pot” at times. I get you wanting to keep the connection with B....I’m just curious, what does he get out of it? I’m just wondering about his motivation- I think must guys who are done would move on, for various reasons. Yet, he sees you for long visits. Do you wonder why he does this? Is he hanging onto hope? He gets a place to take a break when he has something in or around this area....he lives about 45 minutes away. No...I don't think he has hope...he just sees this as "friends" "hanging out". |
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Post by faithopelove on Oct 29, 2018 23:30:50 GMT
Just keep being honest and kind to yourself. I think still being around our exes while trying to heal AP takes a tremendous amount of self-control and puts us in a little bit of a “boiling pot” at times. I get you wanting to keep the connection with B....I’m just curious, what does he get out of it? I’m just wondering about his motivation- I think must guys who are done would move on, for various reasons. Yet, he sees you for long visits. Do you wonder why he does this? Is he hanging onto hope? He gets a place to take a break when he has something in or around this area....he lives about 45 minutes away. No...I don't think he has hope...he just sees this as "friends" "hanging out". Ok, I never had an ex desire to just be friends with me. He either had intentions or wanted to run. B def takes you to your limits of your AP. Try to focus on the good part of the visit and on you 💗 |
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Post by alexandra on Oct 29, 2018 23:59:27 GMT
I have exes who just wanted to be friends and still are many years later. I wouldn't read too much into that unless actions and words seem really misaligned. Which it doesn't sound like they have been, in this case.
And if there is misalignment, that usually just reflects dysfunction and doesn't necessarily mean romantic love. Or ready for a relationship.
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 30, 2018 3:15:40 GMT
He gets a place to take a break when he has something in or around this area....he lives about 45 minutes away. No...I don't think he has hope...he just sees this as "friends" "hanging out" Ok, I never had an ex desire to just be friends with me. He either had intentions or wanted to run. B def takes you to your limits of your AP. Try to focus on the good part of the visit and on you 💗 Yeh...the issue with focusing on the good is that I don't stay in realistic good..just as I don't stay in realistic bad either.....before I would try to journal everything from his "visits"...even when we were dating I tried to capture everything on paper...but now...I write..B came over..had a good time...and I leave it at that...otherwise I will read over and reread over and stop at every word and question everything...looking for signs. It is exhausting. I am proud of the way things went today.....I was in a better place. But there is so much more work to do. |
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Post by epicgum on Oct 30, 2018 4:29:29 GMT
Ok, I never had an ex desire to just be friends with me. He either had intentions or wanted to run. B def takes you to your limits of your AP. Try to focus on the good part of the visit and on you 💗 Yeh...the issue with focusing on the good is that I don't stay in realistic good..just as I don't stay in realistic bad either.....before I would try to journal everything from his "visits"...even when we were dating I tried to capture everything on paper...but now...I write..B came over..had a good time...and I leave it at that...otherwise I will read over and reread over and stop at every word and question everything...looking for signs. It is exhausting. I am proud of the way things went today.....I was in a better place. But there is so much more work to do. Good for you for journaling though. I think it is such a good thing. Personally, I just picked it up after the breakup and I feel like if I'd been doing it all along in would have been much less confused emotionally and more assertive. |
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Post by 8675309 on Oct 30, 2018 8:25:45 GMT
Ok, I never had an ex desire to just be friends with me. He either had intentions or wanted to run. B def takes you to your limits of your AP. Try to focus on the good part of the visit and on you 💗 Yeh...the issue with focusing on the good is that I don't stay in realistic good..just as I don't stay in realistic bad either.....before I would try to journal everything from his "visits"...even when we were dating I tried to capture everything on paper...but now...I write..B came over..had a good time...and I leave it at that...otherwise I will read over and reread over and stop at every word and question everything...looking for signs. It is exhausting. I am proud of the way things went today.....I was in a better place. But there is so much more work to do. Write it all out, I mean all of it and then burn it, stops you from the reading over and over trap. What I ever wrote to my DA to release, I burned and left it to the universe. |
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