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Post by tnr9 on Oct 31, 2018 10:52:53 GMT
I actually see this is a step in the right direction because it means that I am finally waking up to the reality that B isn't coming back....not as anything other then a "friend on his terms". A few months back, he offered to leave the community because he saw how much it was hurting me for him to be there...I reassured him that I did not want him to leave the group on account of me and so, I left. I have found myself recently missing the community. The other day B mentioned that his top three things that he is working on are 1. Growing closer to God 2. Growing in the community and 3. School. The resentment is really at myself more than him because I could have simply said "Thank you for understanding and I hope you find a suitable community closer to where you live"...but I thought I was doing the right thing by acknowledging the issue was mine and stepping away. While B and I were dating...he did not attend the community at all...except for a couple of events that I invited him to. So, I was thinking of talking to him the next time I see him about shared community custody....because I know myself well enough to know I cannot be in community while he is there. The only thing about that direction is....I was not sure how I would feel towards this other woman who has become a bigger presence in his life as a friend. I really don't know her but I feel that my AP jealousy will have a field day...so maybe I just have to release the whole thing....which is a shame...because so many of my friends go there and I don't get to see them.
My parents think B has been incredibly selfish...they think he should have seen past my niceties and moved to a different community closer to him out of respect to the fact that I was there first and it was something important to me.
I guess in the end..I am just hurting under the resentment.....because having found that community and having a leadership role within it...I don't want to have to admit defeat.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2018 12:40:27 GMT
I say fight for what you want. I do this more than I like to admit..don't deny what you want for him. Don't think he will do something when you have told him the opposite. Resentment is poison.
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 31, 2018 12:50:09 GMT
I say fight for what you want. I do this more than I like to admit..don't deny what you want for him. Don't think he will do something when you have told him the opposite. Resentment is poison. Oh...I agree Mary...the resentment has died down..and I am back to logic....but it was a good hour of being mad. It was my parents who thought he should ignore my nicities...i knew better. What I did not expect was for him to essentially "claim" the group...but I can't fault him for that....I was simply expressing that I now am going through a wider range of emotions which I think is good as I am working towards separating reality from fantasy. |
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Post by epicgum on Oct 31, 2018 16:06:15 GMT
I say fight for what you want. I do this more than I like to admit..don't deny what you want for him. Don't think he will do something when you have told him the opposite. Resentment is poison. Oh...I agree Mary...the resentment has died down..and I am back to logic....but it was a good hour of being mad. It was my parents who thought he should ignore my nicities...i knew better. What I did not expect was for him to essentially "claim" the group...but I can't fault him for that....I was simply expressing that I now am going through a wider range of emotions which I think is good as I am working towards separating reality from fantasy. Have you heard of the book "no more Mr. Nice guy" tnr9 ? It is about men who are codependent, but I think that you might gain some insight from it as well. A subject that it covers is "covert contacts" wherein the codependent does something they dont want to do with the unexpressed expectation that they will be rewarded with something they do want. I believe you may have a subconscious covert contract in place where you feel like if you "do the right thing" and "sacrifice your own needs" that B will reward you with the love and affection you desire. |
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 31, 2018 16:11:07 GMT
Oh...I agree Mary...the resentment has died down..and I am back to logic....but it was a good hour of being mad. It was my parents who thought he should ignore my nicities...i knew better. What I did not expect was for him to essentially "claim" the group...but I can't fault him for that....I was simply expressing that I now am going through a wider range of emotions which I think is good as I am working towards separating reality from fantasy. Have you heard of the book "no more Mr. Nice guy" tnr9 ? It is about men who are codependent, but I think that you might gain some insight from it as well. A subject that it covers is "covert contacts" wherein the codependent does something they dont want to do with the unexpressed expectation that they will be rewarded with something they do want. I believe you may have a subconscious covert contract in place where you feel like if you "do the right thing" and "sacrifice your own needs" that B will reward you with the love and affection you desire. Oh...I absolutely resemble that remark....so yes....it backfired on me and I had a moment of being really pissed about it. If I could go back in a time machine...I would have told him at the time of the breakup that he needed to find a different community since he had not attended the whole time we were together...but the reprocusions of choices don't always reveal themselves right away...and in order to have done that...I would have had to have the capacity that I have now back then...which I did not have.  |
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Post by epicgum on Oct 31, 2018 16:20:59 GMT
Have you heard of the book "no more Mr. Nice guy" tnr9 ? It is about men who are codependent, but I think that you might gain some insight from it as well. A subject that it covers is "covert contacts" wherein the codependent does something they dont want to do with the unexpressed expectation that they will be rewarded with something they do want. I believe you may have a subconscious covert contract in place where you feel like if you "do the right thing" and "sacrifice your own needs" that B will reward you with the love and affection you desire. Oh...I absolutely resemble that remark....so yes....it backfired on me and I had a moment of being really pissed about it. If I could go back in a time machine...I would have told him at the time of the breakup that he needed to find a different community since he had not attended the whole time we were together...but the reprocusions of choices don't always reveal themselves right away...and in order to have done that...I would have had to have the capacity that I have now back then...which I did not have. Of course. No time like the present though. The best time to plant a tree is 20yrs ago. Second best time is now. Figure out what your needs are, then don't compromise in expressing them. You aren't responsible for Bs feelings. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 1, 2018 2:48:03 GMT
"...I would have told him at the time of the breakup that he needed to find a different community since he had not attended the whole time we were together.."
So why don´t you do this now ? What is it that this guy has, that you do not see/allow in yourself (whats in your shadow)? Maybe if possible you can use the anger and transform it into some life energy and power, so that you can move on just a little bit more. It´s about daring to show up in the world (not always easy, I know), practising dissapointing other people, allowing yourself to be "selfish" ect. right ? You are so much more than a victim, you have a lot of resources now, you are not that little girl any more! Let the grown up Tnr9 show you the way! It was your church, your "pack" ect. and now you have given up on all of this for a guy, who diden´t really want you? Maybe it time to take some action, to take some off your power back, reclaim what is yours (not him) but your church, friends in the church, your leadership in the church ect. ? Hey Anne....I appreciate this..I really do....the thing is....I can't take it back....even if he isn't there,,the other girl will be and I will just get caught up in circular jealousy again....I am not a victim....I am choosing to stay away...because I know me and showing up with him there has only led me down a very emotional road...so I chose the most caring road I could at the time. I think I was resentful because it just feels like I am "losing out"...which is simply a scarcity model. I could find another church, another community....that is also in my power...but I haven't yet...so I am lonely....completely self inflicted I will add...but thank you so much for your suggestions. |
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Post by cris88 on Nov 1, 2018 6:01:23 GMT
"...I would have told him at the time of the breakup that he needed to find a different community since he had not attended the whole time we were together.."
So why don´t you do this now ? What is it that this guy has, that you do not see/allow in yourself (whats in your shadow)? Maybe if possible you can use the anger and transform it into some life energy and power, so that you can move on just a little bit more. It´s about daring to show up in the world (not always easy, I know), practising dissapointing other people, allowing yourself to be "selfish" ect. right ? You are so much more than a victim, you have a lot of resources now, you are not that little girl any more! Let the grown up Tnr9 show you the way! It was your church, your "pack" ect. and now you have given up on all of this for a guy, who diden´t really want you? Maybe it time to take some action, to take some off your power back, reclaim what is yours (not him) but your church, friends in the church, your leadership in the church ect. ? Hey Anne....I appreciate this..I really do....the thing is....I can't take it back....even if he isn't there,,the other girl will be and I will just get caught up in circular jealousy again....I am not a victim....I am choosing to stay away...because I know me and showing up with him there has only led me down a very emotional road...so I chose the most caring road I could at the time. I think I was resentful because it just feels like I am "losing out"...which is simply a scarcity model. I could find another church, another community....that is also in my power...but I haven't yet...so I am lonely....completely self inflicted I will add...but thank you so much for your suggestions. Sometimes it takes time to get strong enough to start again (meaning new church and new community) I think being a bit resentful at the beginning helps to disconnect and see the relationship for what it really was and how it didn't meet your needs. Yes, it may have not been his fault (completely because there's always two in the equation) but it wasn't amazing either. You and who you are is important. I know too what it feels like leaving them with someone who is the object of their desire and feel a bit jealous. But sometimes you have to give up, accept, surrender to the moment and let it be. Think there's nothing you can do, is not your battle anymore. You learned, you are working on yourself and you tried, with good intentions and a good heart. Even Dita Von Teese said 'you may be the ripest peach and yet, someone is going to hate peaches' or something along those lines. Life just happens and turns in ways you can't imagine. So concentrate on the now and the people around you who truly care about you, they may be friends or family. Cherish them and stop giving up energy to an empty space. And this may not even apply to you but I am going through something and I wished I didn't pay so much attention to that person when I could have spent more time with someone who now I'm losing due to illness. Also, today I was remembering some good times, falling into the 'good memories' trap which are nice and I appreciate them but then I immediately remembered how inconsistent it was the whole time and how I accepted that, how anxious, sad and guilty I felt for not being able to make it work. How inadequate and lonely I felt, walking on eggshells. It is not worth the time and not even a good life! No matter how amazing the other person seems to be, if you have to make it work from only one side and the other person is inconsistent it doesn't matter the attachment style, it's not going to work! I really admire your strength and your journey. And I wish to see you healed and happy soon. |
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