Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2018 13:35:24 GMT
My therapist said something to me a few months back that twigged in my mind today as a "shower thought".
He said that when we are young, and we see that our family system isn't functioning, we see that there is this inability to get our needs met, it is more safe for a child to come to a conclusion that they are the problem and there is something wrong with them rather than recognising that the parent is the one with the problem and it is entirely out of our control. The weight of that reality, that it is not safe and it is out of our control is something a child can't bear and so we internalise that we are the problem and work to make it so that our parents are happy, if we do enough, they will then in turn take care of our needs.
I realised this morning that I have spent over a decade entering into incompatible relationships (with almost anyone if I found them attractive) with this delusion that I am this selfless, unconditionally loving helper and that I will give so much love and affection to this person that nothing else really matters. That is not unconditional love, that is a lack of boundaries, and a covertly manipulative way of coaxing people to stay with me for my own inability to meet my own needs.
I have been with violent and abusive narcissists, I've been with addicts who treated me terribly - and there I was, "loving unconditionally" thinking that it was some virtue. But actually, I was doing that thing... I was telling myself, I must be the problem here, and if I love them unconditionally, they wouldn't feel judged and we would be happier. No, they and I were the problem. The relationship existing was a problem.
I had come to the conclusion that the other person had to be the right person for me, therefore I won't hold them accountable and leave, because if I love them enough, maybe they will take care of me.
I've come a long way since then, but that is a scary way to be. I can't believe I would put myself and other people in that position.
Does anyone relate to this?
What are your stories?
He said that when we are young, and we see that our family system isn't functioning, we see that there is this inability to get our needs met, it is more safe for a child to come to a conclusion that they are the problem and there is something wrong with them rather than recognising that the parent is the one with the problem and it is entirely out of our control. The weight of that reality, that it is not safe and it is out of our control is something a child can't bear and so we internalise that we are the problem and work to make it so that our parents are happy, if we do enough, they will then in turn take care of our needs.
I realised this morning that I have spent over a decade entering into incompatible relationships (with almost anyone if I found them attractive) with this delusion that I am this selfless, unconditionally loving helper and that I will give so much love and affection to this person that nothing else really matters. That is not unconditional love, that is a lack of boundaries, and a covertly manipulative way of coaxing people to stay with me for my own inability to meet my own needs.
I have been with violent and abusive narcissists, I've been with addicts who treated me terribly - and there I was, "loving unconditionally" thinking that it was some virtue. But actually, I was doing that thing... I was telling myself, I must be the problem here, and if I love them unconditionally, they wouldn't feel judged and we would be happier. No, they and I were the problem. The relationship existing was a problem.
I had come to the conclusion that the other person had to be the right person for me, therefore I won't hold them accountable and leave, because if I love them enough, maybe they will take care of me.
I've come a long way since then, but that is a scary way to be. I can't believe I would put myself and other people in that position.
Does anyone relate to this?
What are your stories?
