Post by flip on Dec 12, 2015 15:29:21 GMT
I've have been in a pull-push 'relationship' for the last 4 years. At this moment I am once again pushed away. We were separated 3 times before, once for a period of 3 months.
Last I heard from him was that he was feeling really bad and in doubt about 'everything', and that was why he wasn't answering the phone. He let me know in a text, because it's his preferred means of communication. The week before we saw each other and had a conversation in which he told me that he was not feeling good, he felt like 'a ball in a pinball machine'. He told me before that he feels he has little control over his life that things just happen to him and he goes along. He said he didn't know how he felt about us finding a house together or other future plans. It was unpleasant, but I felt he was honest.
The first time 'the push' happened, I went through all the stages of grieving a breakup. He told me he needed space, and broke off all contact. To me it was apparent that no contact meant it was over, although the actual words were never uttered. A couple of months later, he showed up at my doorstep, telling me how much he had missed me and he never thought it was over. It puzzled me, but I thought I had maybe jumped to conclusions.
This april, just before we were supposed to go away for a weekend with mutual friends, he told me once again he was in doubt. This time I thought it was final and started the whole 'acceptance and moving-on'- procedure. He still went, and as I heard later, was constantly texting some other woman. Thus, I thought he moved on too. After a month or so he contacted me, wanting to talk to me. I was reluctant but he insisted. He told me he believed we could still make it work. He also admitted to texting a woman, but told me it was meaningless.
I made the decision to try again and to trust him. After this I made clear to him that I needed us to keep the lines open, spend more time together and be more involved in each others life. This actually went well until now.
When the lines are open and we are spending time together, I do feel connected and loved. I would have never agreed to give it another try if I didn't. He does not have a problem being affectionate, sympathetic or talkative when we are together. I do love him. He told me he loves me too, but given the circumstances I wonder if he is even capable of loving me.
Other people regard him as very social, friendly and cheerful. He has lots of acquaintances and friends. He has a busy social life. I was confused sometimes, because he’d tell me he was feeling bad and/or suffering from anxiety, but he acted like nothing was going on and no one else knew.
I wonder now what's real. I feel sad and I doubt my own judgement. I'm a rational person and I understand this is his burden, but it's extremely hard for me not to take it personal. I have been focusing on myself and trying to be compassionate towards myself.
I acknowledge my own part in this dynamic and I take responsibility for my own feelings.
I'm not sure what to do when we see each other again. This is enviable, for we have mutual friends. How do I stand my ground in a healthy way and how do I hold him accountable for his part?
Last I heard from him was that he was feeling really bad and in doubt about 'everything', and that was why he wasn't answering the phone. He let me know in a text, because it's his preferred means of communication. The week before we saw each other and had a conversation in which he told me that he was not feeling good, he felt like 'a ball in a pinball machine'. He told me before that he feels he has little control over his life that things just happen to him and he goes along. He said he didn't know how he felt about us finding a house together or other future plans. It was unpleasant, but I felt he was honest.
The first time 'the push' happened, I went through all the stages of grieving a breakup. He told me he needed space, and broke off all contact. To me it was apparent that no contact meant it was over, although the actual words were never uttered. A couple of months later, he showed up at my doorstep, telling me how much he had missed me and he never thought it was over. It puzzled me, but I thought I had maybe jumped to conclusions.
This april, just before we were supposed to go away for a weekend with mutual friends, he told me once again he was in doubt. This time I thought it was final and started the whole 'acceptance and moving-on'- procedure. He still went, and as I heard later, was constantly texting some other woman. Thus, I thought he moved on too. After a month or so he contacted me, wanting to talk to me. I was reluctant but he insisted. He told me he believed we could still make it work. He also admitted to texting a woman, but told me it was meaningless.
I made the decision to try again and to trust him. After this I made clear to him that I needed us to keep the lines open, spend more time together and be more involved in each others life. This actually went well until now.
When the lines are open and we are spending time together, I do feel connected and loved. I would have never agreed to give it another try if I didn't. He does not have a problem being affectionate, sympathetic or talkative when we are together. I do love him. He told me he loves me too, but given the circumstances I wonder if he is even capable of loving me.
Other people regard him as very social, friendly and cheerful. He has lots of acquaintances and friends. He has a busy social life. I was confused sometimes, because he’d tell me he was feeling bad and/or suffering from anxiety, but he acted like nothing was going on and no one else knew.
I wonder now what's real. I feel sad and I doubt my own judgement. I'm a rational person and I understand this is his burden, but it's extremely hard for me not to take it personal. I have been focusing on myself and trying to be compassionate towards myself.
I acknowledge my own part in this dynamic and I take responsibility for my own feelings.
I'm not sure what to do when we see each other again. This is enviable, for we have mutual friends. How do I stand my ground in a healthy way and how do I hold him accountable for his part?
