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Post by trixie5179 on May 2, 2017 22:25:59 GMT
He could be avoidant.... I can totally see how you would be confused by all this, as it seems like a lot of hot/cold behavior going on. If I were you, and I really wanted to know, I would probably talk to him and ask him what he wants. But also think about what you want....Like, if he thinks he can keep acting this way and have you be satisfied, then clearly that's not the case! Just my two cents here..
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Post by trixie5179 on May 2, 2017 22:41:45 GMT
Just wanted to add that this guy sounds very similar to my ex avoidant bf in that he expressed a kind of scepticism and bitterness about relationships (and women) in general. Like this guy, my ex also was a 'solo' guy and had that mentality. Not that he wasn't able to be loving and caring etc, but this mentality and his habits of thinking negatively won out in the end. Your guy may be different, but in general if he has this mindset I feel like it's not promising for a mutually fulfilling relationship.
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Post by Herewegoagain on May 5, 2017 16:16:45 GMT
Somehow I deleted my earlier messages...
Long Story Short:
"Dated" a DA for about 6 months. First 'Date' was an amazing weekend date, followed by hot and cold behavior and distancing. Push Pulled for about several more months, God...I really thought this guy was legit. A few weeks ago he took me on vacation...we got super close, he opened up a lot, to include his negative thoughts on dating/LT relationships.
Immediately after, extreme distancing. I used to be very Anxious/Preoccupied but have been moving toward secure with age, so every time he distanced I would raise my concerns with good communication, he communicated well back...but all for naught because now I guess I got too close and asked for more than he could give and now it's just a brick wall of polite coldness. Here is the latest after I tried talking to DA but he just shut me out. I was triggered, but managed to keep my cool somewhat...I sent two messages reaching out to him and finally got this:
"I like you but it's not going to work out. We're on different wavelengths and that's ok, but dating is not going to work out. Sorry."
I feel just sort of cold all over. I can feel my tendencies to want to hang on and compromise rising...but I know, hopefully it will pass. I guess I hoped he wasn't an extreme case but based on the way he just immediately shut me out, he must be extremely DA? Or really maybe for on the FA since he ran away so fast and suddenly.
This guy had some textbook DA/FA tendencies but also a lot of secure seeming habits as well. When we were close, we were pretty enmeshed. But soon after, distance and avoidance, refusing to make plans or commit to anything.
I have enough secure tendencies now where situations like these scare and just turn me off, but at this moment I'm super emotional and feeling lost and needy, I wish I could just fast forward to 3 days from now, 1 week from now, when I know I'll be feeling much better.
Anyway I read all the Attachment style books ( I knew about my issues for a long time but DA was totally new to me and upon reflection I've dated a lot of them), and this is THE LAST AVOIDANT I will allow myself to get attached to.
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Post by annieb on May 9, 2017 10:06:18 GMT
He sounds like he could be FA, since he was still sending polite messages and a breakup message. That would be very unusual for a Dismissive, a dismissive would simply not bother and be afraid to show any emotion or communication whatsoever. You are better off without these relationships. They can really upset and trigger you and since you are more secure, you really don't need to put yourself through this rollercoaster of emotions. I am a FA female and have tested Secure before, when I was focused and in therapy. There is so much more to life than trying to fix broken men and trying to accommodate their rather ridiculous destructive habits. Good luck to you and your healing and I hope that you meet someone with a Secure attachment style and are able to enjoy a relationship.
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