zercher ,
epicgum I totally feel this way. The fear of engulfment, loss of autonomy are huge parts of the narrative that drives my deactivation. It has ruined so many relationships in my life.
zercher , I really relate to your comments about the give and take. I am often suspicious and afraid that someone close to me will pull a 'bait and switch' or suddenly want more than what was 'agreed to' .. give an inch and take a mile.
Definitely I over-value independence, or perhaps more accurately, fear dependence. Other scripts and patterns that get me hooked and take me down.. wondering if any other FAs/DAs do the same:
- difficulty accessing & describing emotions, lack embodied awareness;
- strong disconnect between conscious thoughts and emotional system;
- see myself as incapable of loving & emotionally unreliable;
- fear of failure (failure is inevitable, once the relationship starts to decline it's irreversible - either she will get fed up with my BS and pull the plug or I will bail);
- fear of engulfment / loss of autonomy;
- turned off by needs (repress my own, can't ask for what I need/often not consciously aware), not aware of/able to express vulnerability;
- very turned off by 'needy people's' needs;
- prominent negativity bias, perpetuated by confirmation bias (I'm looking for evidence to support my misperceptions/justify my behaviour);
- controlling, risk averse
I am trying to work on re-programming myself now that I'm so much more aware. It's still really hard but FWIW, to anyone else, I'm trying to do the following as a means of healing:
- practicing mindfulness > feeling emotions and where they are showing up in my body
> catching the mental looping
> calming the nervous system when triggered (thank you
anne12 )
> working with fear (not fighting it, naming it, practicing self-compassion and returning to my heart's intention to heal to give myself the courage to sit with it)
> 'turning my kayak into the waves'
- getting more comfortable with needs > identifying what my own needs are they are (meditation helps)
> distinguishing between true needs and false needs (reactivity)
> thinking about the 'meaning' I attribute to the needs expressed by someone else (not inferring or projecting my own bias/fear)
> trying to 'right size' the risk associated with meeting those needs (I'm probably not going to die from engulfment if I respond to that text today vs tomorrow)
- communication > taking risks (small ones are good practice) & expressing vulnerability (what I'm struggling with) in doing so
> take breaks in communication if I can feel the triggers come on and I need to calm/regulate so that I can engage calmly
> come back & repair, own up to my deactivation or shittiness as soon as possible
> allow others to see me for the hot mess I am sometimes - surrendering to what is. Don't assume others can't relate or understand.. all I can do is show up, authentically, as often as I can.
> come back to working with fear as often as I need to
- develop trust > let it grow over time; let it be slow
> know my 'Mara-mind' (inner demons) and when they are taking over my thoughts
> do my best to align my words with my actions as often as possible, so that I can learn to trust myself and feel more 'reliable' to others
It's a lot, and it's new, but it feels like the right track for me. I come back to these these things often (every day or so) and reflect to keep it front of mind and to make it a practice - it seems to be working. Right now it seems like the only way forward, so that's what I'm committing to.
-Camper78
