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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2018 14:44:50 GMT
What makes you feel trapped vs what makes you feel "contained" and held?
A therapist I work with, who is about 40 years my senior, used to have long mentor-like talks with me inbetween waiting for clients. He once said something simple to me that I loved. He said:
"I used to grip a flower like this-"
*clenched his fist*
"-until someone told me a flower can also be held like this ..."
*and he gently held out his palm*
"... lightly."
I hope I can remember that to love is to hold flowers lightly.
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hannah
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Post by hannah on Nov 2, 2018 18:04:30 GMT
"I used to grip a flower like this-" *clenched his fist*"-until someone told me a flower can also be held like this ..." *and he gently held out his palm*"... lightly." That's so beautiful! Thank you  |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2018 18:22:37 GMT
i feel trapped by anger but i feel held by forgiveness
it's the first thing that came to mind
i feel trapped by projections and i feel held by gentle questions about me
i feel trapped by the shoulds and i feel held by being trusted to do what feels right even if it isn't perfect
thich nhat hanh said a bouquet is most beautiful when each flower has space around herself to be as she is and be seen
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Post by ocarina on Nov 3, 2018 16:35:06 GMT
What makes you feel trapped vs what makes you feel "contained" and held? A therapist I work with, who is about 40 years my senior, used to have long mentor-like talks with me inbetween waiting for clients. He once said something simple to me that I loved. He said: "I used to grip a flower like this-" *clenched his fist*"-until someone told me a flower can also be held like this ..." *and he gently held out his palm*"... lightly." I hope I can remember that to love is to hold flowers lightly. That is beautiful - I think bearing this in mind is helpful for everyone - for the APs who potentially crush the flower - to the DAs who may just allow the flower to blow away in the wind without noticing its disappearance or forget to water it. The holding it gently and allowing it to be there is the middle way, for me at least. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 3, 2018 20:27:53 GMT
What makes you feel trapped vs what makes you feel "contained" and held? A therapist I work with, who is about 40 years my senior, used to have long mentor-like talks with me inbetween waiting for clients. He once said something simple to me that I loved. He said: "I used to grip a flower like this-" *clenched his fist*"-until someone told me a flower can also be held like this ..." *and he gently held out his palm*"... lightly." I hope I can remember that to love is to hold flowers lightly. That is beautiful - I think bearing this in mind is helpful for everyone - for the APs who potentially crush the flower - to the DAs who may just allow the flower to blow away in the wind without noticing its disappearance or forget to water it. The holding it gently and allowing it to be there is the middle way, for me at least. Love this!! 💕💐 |
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Post by mrob on Nov 4, 2018 12:30:14 GMT
One person’s contained is another person’s trapped, engulfed, get me out of here!! Another person’s contained is not feeling loved.
Isn’t that why were here?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2018 13:23:29 GMT
One person’s contained is another person’s trapped, engulfed, get me out of here!! Another person’s contained is not feeling loved. Isn’t that why were here? Absolutely, which is why I was enquiring about what the nuances are for each of us that define a situation as either trapping or containing I know for me that I can feel trapped just by the degree of warmth and unthreatened consistency that comes from someone emotionally available, because I am most comfortable with the degree of warmth (or there lack of it) I experienced from my Dad, who habitually prefers to "visit" his relationships with intensity and intention or he is vacant as opposed to nurture them with consistency of attention and warmth over time and my mother was either emotionally incesting or dismissive... so as an FA, the degree to which I feel trapped or held varies so much from person to person, and tends to fall into more what I can gauge around whether that person has a foot out of the door or not, which feels safe for me to invest, but if I feel their energy turn to me and no threat for it to turn away, I can experience the entrapped feeling and I think it comes down to their expectation for me to be consistent also. I suppose I am just exploring what everyone else's map looks like with regards to this too |
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Post by epicgum on Nov 5, 2018 2:19:05 GMT
One person’s contained is another person’s trapped, engulfed, get me out of here!! Another person’s contained is not feeling loved. Isn’t that why were here? No, I don't think it is quite as simple as "different strokes for different folks" I do, of course, have a habbit of being wrong. 8) |
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Post by epicgum on Nov 5, 2018 2:24:10 GMT
Trapped is about the consequences of not feeling or acting a certain way. Anything given without obligation is fine, I am being held.
But if I feel like I need to do something or else I will be threatened with abandonment or crushing obligation and loss of autonomy, that is feeling trapped. (Even if these threats of abandonment and loss of autonomy are not really real, if I dont have the courage to find out IF they are real, then they are.)
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Post by epicgum on Nov 5, 2018 2:25:58 GMT
Trapped is about the consequences of not feeling or acting a certain way. Anything given without obligation is fine, I am being held. But if I feel like I need to do something or else I will be threatened with abandonment or crushing obligation and loss of autonomy, that is feeling trapped. (Even if these threats of abandonment and loss of autonomy are not really real, if I dont have the courage to find out IF they are real, then they are.) Come to think of it, maybe the whole FA thing (as defined on this board) is about fear of loss of autonomy combined with fear of abandonment. |
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Post by mrob on Nov 5, 2018 2:30:38 GMT
Brilliant paradox, isn’t it, lol.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 5, 2018 19:24:34 GMT
Trapped is about the consequences of not feeling or acting a certain way. Anything given without obligation is fine, I am being held. But if I feel like I need to do something or else I will be threatened with abandonment or crushing obligation and loss of autonomy, that is feeling trapped. (Even if these threats of abandonment and loss of autonomy are not really real, if I dont have the courage to find out IF they are real, then they are.) This is exactly how it is for me. With a DA, my fear of loss of autonomy is rarely triggered. But as soon as he tried to tell me what to do in this relationship, I felt obliged and blackmailed. If the relationship or a certain level of intimacy depends on only me doing or not doing things, I refuse to do it. If I sometimes accommodate, I take it as a debt, like "I may give in now, but you will pay it back later". If they don't pay back, I eventually push them away, maybe even end things with them. It comes down to being afraid of being used, controlled, taken advantage of and dominated. In every possible way, I make sure I don't give more than I'm getting. Not that this is healthy, just recognizing my own ways of relating. Do any other FAs feel like their relationships are some kind of power struggles? |
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Post by epicgum on Nov 5, 2018 20:13:35 GMT
Trapped is about the consequences of not feeling or acting a certain way. Anything given without obligation is fine, I am being held. But if I feel like I need to do something or else I will be threatened with abandonment or crushing obligation and loss of autonomy, that is feeling trapped. (Even if these threats of abandonment and loss of autonomy are not really real, if I dont have the courage to find out IF they are real, then they are.) This is exactly how it is for me. With a DA, my fear of loss of autonomy is rarely triggered. But as soon as he tried to tell me what to do in this relationship, I felt obliged and blackmailed. If the relationship or a certain level of intimacy depends on only me doing or not doing things, I refuse to do it. If I sometimes accommodate, I take it as a debt, like "I may give in now, but you will pay it back later". If they don't pay back, I eventually push them away, maybe even end things with them. It comes down to being afraid of being used, controlled, taken advantage of and dominated. In every possible way, I make sure I don't give more than I'm getting. Not that this is healthy, just recognizing my own ways of relating. Do any other FAs feel like their relationships are some kind of power struggles? Oh I totally relate to the fear of being trapped and dominated. I'm not sure about a power struggle, mostly that becomes apparent towards the end. |
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hannah
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Post by hannah on Nov 5, 2018 22:26:34 GMT
"It comes down to being afraid of being used, controlled, taken advantage of and dominated. In every possible way, I make sure I don't give more than I'm getting."
Oh, that's totally me on all my relationships, even the friendships! I just realized this some months ago, that this is an important part of my narrative that keeps me distant of everybody, specially the "being used" thing. My conclusion is that, at least in my case, I feel/think like this cause I have a really bad image of myself so I can't trust people when they come around, I can't trust that it's because they like me for what I'm but because I have something they need and they will use me until they don't need me anymore. So I act suspicious towards them and don't let anybody in. Now I can see that it's a defense mechanism, cause ok, when I was a child and I was the only one on my street who had a ball I can understand the "young me" could think "they invite me to play because I own the ball" but now I don't have a ball at all! So it's easier now to trust my friends even if sometimes I'm wondering to ask them "why the h*@*l do you like me? I don't even have a ball!"
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Post by epicgum on Nov 5, 2018 22:33:09 GMT
"It comes down to being afraid of being used, controlled, taken advantage of and dominated. In every possible way, I make sure I don't give more than I'm getting." Oh, that's totally me on all my relationships, even the friendships! I just realized this some months ago, that this is an important part of my narrative that keeps me distant of everybody, specially the "being used" thing. My conclusion is that, at least in my case, I feel/think like this cause I have a really bad image of myself so I can't trust people when they come around, I can't trust that it's because they like me for what I'm but because I have something they need and they will use me until they don't need me anymore. So I act suspicious towards them and don't let anybody in. Now I can see that it's a defense mechanism, cause ok, when I was a child and I was the only one on my street who had a ball I can understand the "young me" could think "they invite me to play because I own the ball" but now I don't have a ball at all! So it's easier now to trust my friends even if sometimes I'm wondering to ask them "why the h*@*l do you like me? I don't even have a ball!" Haha oh boy. Yeah I can relate, for similar, if not the same reasons from childhood. Basically it comes down to viewing your relationships as transactional because no one really likes or cares for you just because. I think I've mentioned this before, but I'll pitch the "Frientimacy" book again that I think has helped to alter my mindset. |
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