He broke up with me - please help

Thank you HowPredictable1. I appreciate your help and honesty (I don't want anything sugar coated -- so your delivery was perfect).

May I ask a follow up? If, beyond the one other time he tried to break up, he never distanced himself like others on here describe, do you think he'll be different in friendship?

I think you're right that he saw that I wanted more ... BUT it was all in his head. I honestly didn't want any more than what we had ... I am really independent and enjoyed the way things were going. If we could have sustained what we had for forever, it would have been fine with me. He seemed to think that we should be moving to the next level, and when I said I didn't want it, it didn't seem to matter to him.

So I guess, to ask it another way, is the sort of thing that regularly happens with fearful avoidants (believing something that isn't true and thus sabotaging the relationship -- any relationship), or if that was more because it was a dating relationship that the fear set in.

Thank you again, so much, for your input. And if anyone else reading this has any thoughts, I'd really welcome them. I want to learn as much as I can about this.

Have a wonderful weekend.

Thank you, HowPredictable1. Sounds like we've experienced the same thing (I think I'm a bit avoidant, too). It's quite surreal to have someone break up with you because he feels he can't give you what you need ... when you keep telling him that you've never once said it's what you need. I'm so sorry that happened to you, too, but somehow glad I'm not alone.

Just out of curiosity, did you talk to your ex again after you broke up? Curious how that would be.

And thank you for the book recommendation. I just ordered it. I keep trying to make logical sense out of things, which isn't easy, so I think it will help a lot.

Thank you again for all your help. It's so helpful.

Hi Emmy,
Glad my input is helpful to you. To answer your direct question: Yes, I did speak with my Ex after, I guess it was about 2 weeks later I went over to his place uninvited, because I knew he would not likely agree to speak or arrange to meet.

We chatted for about an hour, it was a bit awkward because he was very distant and uncomfortable (since as you know, Avoidants hate confrontation and conflict and I think that's what he was expecting). We discussed our respective Attachment challenges and he agreed that he had been distancing, he agreed with my suggesting that he didn't genuinely want and couldn't manage the type of relationship he had initially led me to believe he wanted. He agreed that he wasn't capable.

But what was interesting was more of what I mentioned earlier -- he had re-cast so much of the relationship in his own mind, to hear him tell it, you would think that we were in entirely different relationships. His memories of events ere all skewed toward the negative, he had trouble coming up with positives at all an in his own assessment we never had fun together, we fought all the time (not true, we never fought -- see "conflict averse", above). I noticed this with him before, one time a few years ago when we had briefly broken up. He re-cast everything so he didn't even remember the good times... and that was only after about a day of being broken up.

So the whole relationship has been tainted in his mind, and I could tell that he had completely moved on in his own mind. I told him I was sure he wouldn't even remember anything about me or our time together, soon enough. He simply shrugged and said he has always moved on from people and relationships quickly.

Hi emmy

I should caution you not to take what I've said as gospel, or some kind of manual, as each person is unique and may act or react in different ways. I guess it also works on a scale, where some will be more avoidant than others, and no doubt their histories will affect their reasons and behaviors too. Equally, I'm a man who was dating an avoidant woman, and there are still the regular, underlying male and female emotions, and so all in all it's a complicated mix. As such, all I've said is based on my own specific experiences and my interpretations of things I've read.

That said, I'll try and answer your questions as best as I can, and give you as much detail on my own experience, and you can see how much you can relate to and if it helps at all.

The anxious feelings are normal, because you're dealing with someone who doesn't react in the same way to things as anyone else. Sometimes it's blatant, and sometimes it's more subtle, and so you find yourself reacting and adapting to the shifts, instead of being able to interact more naturally, and without too much thought. One misstep or misunderstanding and you can find yourself in a position that ordinarily could be dealt with quite easily, but now is a big hole you have to try and dig yourself out of, and often a downward spiral as you try. In my case I always found it best not to try, and let it pass, which it usually did.

In my opinion I found it best to try and not react at all, and always act as though things were normal, but that was easier for me as I'm not the most emotional type. So yes, the moments of niceness and affection may be a case of looking for reassurance, but equally they may not. So welcome them and reciprocate, but don't go overboard or overreact. If you do then you can just as easily push them back the other way, as even attention that's sought can suddenly seem smothering and overwhelming if it's too much. Additionally, they're highly sensitive to your behaviors, and seem to be always on the alert, and notice the tiniest change, so will pick up anything they see as a reaction to them, which causes either confusion or discomfort.

I've known my ex for almost 2 years now, and haven't talked to her since her last withdrawal. We last saw each other about 6 weeks ago, which was about 6 weeks after we'd broken up. We'd kept in contact and were getting on really well, and we'd even talked about getting back together, which she seemed to want, but was hesitant. In some ways she made it apparent that she wanted me to be more assertive about reconciling, but would always back off ever so slightly when I tried to move things forward, whilst still leaving the door open. That last meeting was also very friendly, but she said she was still confused and had exams to focus on that week, so we agreed to leave it till after she'd taken them. We parted on very good terms, and she even made plans to do other things together that she missed. It was only after that that things went downhill, as she had said that she'd been unable to concentrate since we'd broken up and, as a result, she ended up postponing her exams till next year. I also suspect she hadn't got the result she was hoping for in some other studies, both of which were important to her, and I knew she'd have taken it hard. So, communication rapidly shifted from often and friendly, to basic and sparse. I naturally sensed the shift, and called to say that I could she had a lot on her plate, and so would give her some space rather than add to her pressures, to which she got agitated and sounded a bit angry, and hung up. I sent a text asking how she was a week or so later, and another a week after that, and both were ignored. The last was about two weeks ago.

So, who knows if we'll speak again. On the surface it seems that, despite anything else, she needed space to clear her head and be able to focus on work and studies again. No doubt there's also some resentment about her exams, which clearly was due to the situation, and so perhaps she blames me, even though we were getting on well throughout. It's tough to know, as when I thought she hated me before, she called out of the blue, crying and saying how much she missed me. We even split up once before, about 18 months ago, and I left her alone, and when I contacted her a month or so later she was fine. I didn't follow up until a few months later, but when I did we picked things up as though nothing had happened. One thing I do know is that she's determined (I'd possibly say stubborn), and whether she's distanced herself because she misses me but needs to focus, or has chosen to blame and resent me, there's little I can do. She may welcome further contact, or be irritated by it, but she's neither responded nor told me to stop contacting her, and so it's impossible to know.

Like your ex, she would communicate sometimes about her issues but, the reason I cautioned about not taking things as gospel, is that the issues may be different. She admitted she avoided relationships, and had a tendency to run, but said she genuinely wanted to try not to, and in honesty that didn't seem to be too much of a problem in itself. It was more the underlying reason, in that she said she was really happy being together, but couldn't bear the pain of being apart. That was mitigated somewhat by living together, but of course resurfaced after we broke up and she'd moved out. From what I understand, this kind of anxiety isn't common to avoidants, and so is probably a separate, but parallel issue, that adds to and complicates things further.

She also would never raise the subject of just being friends, even after we broke up, and it seems the only reason we stayed in contact was to either reconcile or not. Had it not been for her exam problems then I'm pretty sure we would have, as until then she was hesitantly pushing for that. Now that I've backed off she'll no doubt cool down eventually, but whether that will cause her to want to re-initiate contact is anyone's guess.
If she did then I suspect it will only be because she wants to try again, which ironically makes it harder, as she's nervous and fearful of rejection, and so would struggle to make the first move, even though she's shut me out. As such it would have to be me, but the dilemma is timing, as too soon will just push her further away. In fact I'd say timing is just as important as what you do, as their moods and emotions can switch so rapidly that the same thing can be taken in a hundred different ways, depending on how they feel at the time.

As to whether I think such a relationship is possible, then I guess yes. Sure, you can learn to read the triggers, especially if the other person is willing and able to communicate, and keen to make things work, but it's more a matter of whether you'd want to. Even if you could read them, it's a case of always having to react, in a way that's often not natural to you, and so to some degree you'll always be anxious, and at times that will show, which makes things worse. Yes, relationships take work, but mostly they should be about two people being able to be themselves, and not one having to always accommodate the other. That onesidedness isn't selfish on the part of the avoidant either, it's just who they are and so, whilst on the one hand they may appreciate your efforts, on the other it can make them uncomfortable too. That's why there's sometimes more of a connection between someone avoidant and someone more selfish, aloof and less emotional. The avoidant does their back and forth thing, and the other person either doesn't notice, doesn't react, or doesn't care, and so, whilst dysfunctional in its own way, both people are just being themselves, and so are not overly triggered either way.

I'd like to add that whilst I said that such relationships are "possible", I concur with HowPredictable1 in that they're far from practical, or even pleasant.

I'm possibly a little avoidant myself, and far from emotional, so whilst I could handle the occasional withdrawals, they still weren't fun. As for the more full on withdrawals, which can and will happen, even I would feel some levels of increased anxiety, and I'm pretty thick skinned. That's no way to live a life, even if you could sustain it, which you probably couldn't.

If it helps, you may wish to read up on the psychological effects of something called random and intermittent reward. It's the principle that keeps people addicted to things like gambling and slot machines, believing that if they keep paying in they'll eventually hit the jackpot.

The constant push/pull of niceness and intimacy, mixed with distancing and withdrawal, is exactly the same, and triggers the same automatic response from you. As a result, it's common for people to believe that such a person is the most wonderful person they've ever met, albeit flawed and, if only they can crack the code, and keep investing, they'll win the prize. Additionally, it's also true that the more you invest in something/someone, the greater value you perceive it to be. Ultimately though it's an illusion, and a trick of the mind.

Not that they do this deliberately, they don't. They can't help it, as they are as much a victim of their own emotions as you, and are equally pushed and pulled by them, and you're just on the receiving end of the effects.

In many ways you're currently in the best position to part now, as friends. To continue, even though you might think you can maintain sufficient distance, he won't be able to. It's not just the intimacy you may offer, but the intimacy he craves, that he will either get from you, or create himself, that ultimately scares him. Each time that happens he'll pull away and, even if he comes back, the intimacy will likely feel (real or perceived) that much greater, and so even more scary. In the end it will get so great that he'll pull away for good, and that could be sharply, without word, and with strong resistance to any further contact. As much as that will hurt you, it will likely hurt him even more. Quite possibly to the extent that he can only process it by casting you in a negative light in his mind.

Parting on good terms, as friends, with a mutual understanding of the reality, offers some closure, which makes moving on so much easier. A bit like leaving the slot machine at a break even point. Whilst that may be painful, it's nothing like as painful as someone who said (and genuinely meant it at the time) they cared about you, and then suddenly cuts you off, without a word, and ignores any attempt to reach out. Instead of some peace of closure, that comes with parting with positive feelings towards each other, you're left with doubt, insecurity, and always wondering if the once positive emotions towards you are now negative; along with the frustration of not being able to do anything about it.

Actually I'm not sure I'd read it entirely that way, but maybe it's semantics, or just me. I don't think she does get hurt by the more avoidant, uncaring types, or even jerks, at least not in the sense you and I understand it. Sure there may be some hurt, but it's less than the constant anxiety that comes from the fear of even greater hurt from losing something you really want.

Deep down, she likely knows they're no good for her, and so the fear of abandonment is far less severe. If I understand it correctly, an avoidant's base position is that ultimately every relationship they have will fail, and so it's always going to be easier to be in ones that will hurt you less when they do.

Think of it this way, would you prefer to drive a beaten up old runabout, or a nice fancy car that you've invested everything in? Now, imagine you believed, without question, that every single day you were going to have a crash and write off your car. What do you think your anxiety levels might be when driving the fancy car, compared to the runabout?

So, it's no longer about what you want, or would ultimately prefer, but how uncomfortable having what you want feels, because of your intense fear of losing it. And so, you pick the runabout.