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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2018 23:27:15 GMT
lilos, I am sorry that you are feeling negative. It sounds like you are having a difficult time. What I see in your post is regret, a lot of regret and disappointment. They are powerful emotions and states of mind. You are not unforgiveable. The only person that has to forgive you is yourself. Sounds cheesy but forgiveness and closure comes from within. I know that a lot of people look to their ex for answers/closure, but I think most of the time, the answers they give are more damaging and resolve nothing. The only answers you need are the ones you give yourself. It sounds like you are on the right track to more clarity.
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Post by mrob on Nov 10, 2018 0:27:48 GMT
This sounds bad, but what a great place from which to start a whole new examined life. From here, there’s no going back. Living life challenging old ideas is hard, but well worth it. epicgum You asked what I meant in another thread? Exactly this. |
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Post by camper78 on Nov 10, 2018 2:25:14 GMT
I was just writing in my journal this week about negativity bias, confirmation bias and the terrible role it plays in looping dysfunctional attachment behaviours. You're not alone, lilos . It is hard. Some days harder than others, some days not too bad. The anger, disappointment and regret is very, very valuable right now. It sounds a bit crazy but (for me), that pain is what is allowing my heart to break over and over again, until I learn how to hold it with compassion and real tenderness. This is the starting point for healing. Be gentle with yourself and try to be patient. You are on the right track. sending hugs -Camper78 |
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Nov 10, 2018 2:34:09 GMT
I was just writing in my journal this week about negativity bias, confirmation bias and the terrible role it plays in looping dysfunctional attachment behaviours. You're not alone, lilos . It is hard. Some days harder than others, some days not too bad. The anger, disappointment and regret is very, very valuable right now. It sounds a bit crazy but (for me), that pain is what is allowing my heart to break over and over again, until I learn how to hold it with compassion and real tenderness. This is the starting point for healing. Be gentle with yourself and try to be patient. You are on the right track. sending hugs -Camper78 I read a Pema chodron book that said “only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible in us be found.” I think of it often. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2018 4:01:02 GMT
faithopelove - I saw yours and @mary past right after I wrote mine and thought that was interesting! @mary you read me correctly- I’m full of regret and disappointment. And mrob I am living the examined life now and I know what I come away from this with is so much more than I came in with. I am so grateful to him for the lessons he has taught me. I am proud of myself for having the strength to stay with it every time it hurts like this. If I had to loose this chance to know him again in this life to be a real authentic compassionate and whole hearted person then I guess that is the way it had to be. But it’s so sad that this is the way it goes. I feel defeated. I am working on my own forgiveness and self love- but it’s a process and I can’t always hold it. Has anyone seen images of the sculpture “love” by Alexander Milov? It speaks volumes to me and I can’t shake the image. I’m going to try to link it here if I’m savvy enough. This is what it feels like to me. Just two inner children trying to be friends and connect while the big ego filled adults can’t get it together. personalexcellence.co/blog/burning-man-inner-child/ Wow, the sculpture is powerful. Thank you for posting the link. I wish I could give you some advice on self love and forgiving yourself. It was a long road for me to give that gift to myself, but once it was there for me, it never went away. I am gentle with myself, my mistakes and trust that I will continue to learn and do better. To let go of regret is healing, freeing and will only contribute to your happiness. I can tell you are on the path, because you recognize the work that needs to be done. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 10, 2018 6:14:19 GMT
faithopelove- I saw yours and @mary past right after I wrote mine and thought that was interesting! @mary you read me correctly- I’m full of regret and disappointment. And mrob I am living the examined life now and I know what I come away from this with is so much more than I came in with. I am so grateful to him for the lessons he has taught me. I am proud of myself for having the strength to stay with it every time it hurts like this. If I had to loose this chance to know him again in this life to be a real authentic compassionate and whole hearted person then I guess that is the way it had to be. But it’s so sad that this is the way it goes. I feel defeated. I am working on my own forgiveness and self love- but it’s a process and I can’t always hold it. Has anyone seen images of the sculpture “love” by Alexander Milov? It speaks volumes to me and I can’t shake the image. I’m going to try to link it here if I’m savvy enough. This is what it feels like to me. Just two inner children trying to be friends and connect while the big ego filled adults can’t get it together. personalexcellence.co/blog/burning-man-inner-child/ Thx for sharing. Awesome and powerful sculpture. Sad and so relatable...but now we know better 🌺 |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 10, 2018 12:31:18 GMT
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” —Maya Angelou.
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 11, 2018 3:20:18 GMT
faithopelove - I saw yours and @mary past right after I wrote mine and thought that was interesting! @mary you read me correctly- I’m full of regret and disappointment. And mrob I am living the examined life now and I know what I come away from this with is so much more than I came in with. I am so grateful to him for the lessons he has taught me. I am proud of myself for having the strength to stay with it every time it hurts like this. If I had to loose this chance to know him again in this life to be a real authentic compassionate and whole hearted person then I guess that is the way it had to be. But it’s so sad that this is the way it goes. I feel defeated. I am working on my own forgiveness and self love- but it’s a process and I can’t always hold it. Has anyone seen images of the sculpture “love” by Alexander Milov? It speaks volumes to me and I can’t shake the image. I’m going to try to link it here if I’m savvy enough. This is what it feels like to me. Just two inner children trying to be friends and connect while the big ego filled adults can’t get it together. personalexcellence.co/blog/burning-man-inner-child/ This is so exactly where I was 6 months ago. Reading your description of that mindset helped me realize that I've reached much more a state of acceptance than I had then (and after a long time- years and years) and that makes me wonder if what you are describing here is the storm before the calm, like the psyche's final struggle before reaching a deeper state of acceptance. |
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lilos
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Post by lilos on Nov 11, 2018 4:02:15 GMT
faithopelove - I saw yours and @mary past right after I wrote mine and thought that was interesting! @mary you read me correctly- I’m full of regret and disappointment. And mrob I am living the examined life now and I know what I come away from this with is so much more than I came in with. I am so grateful to him for the lessons he has taught me. I am proud of myself for having the strength to stay with it every time it hurts like this. If I had to loose this chance to know him again in this life to be a real authentic compassionate and whole hearted person then I guess that is the way it had to be. But it’s so sad that this is the way it goes. I feel defeated. I am working on my own forgiveness and self love- but it’s a process and I can’t always hold it. Has anyone seen images of the sculpture “love” by Alexander Milov? It speaks volumes to me and I can’t shake the image. I’m going to try to link it here if I’m savvy enough. This is what it feels like to me. Just two inner children trying to be friends and connect while the big ego filled adults can’t get it together. personalexcellence.co/blog/burning-man-inner-child/ This is so exactly where I was 6 months ago. Reading your description of that mindset helped me realize that I've reached much more a state of acceptance than I had then (and after a long time- years and years) and that makes me wonder if what you are describing here is the storm before the calm, like the psyche's final struggle before reaching a deeper state of acceptance. I sure hope so. I feel like I’m on my own emotional roller coaster- some days I feel like I got it, I understand and I’m there. Then I drop it and I’m back trying to re-learn these ideas again and again. I just wonder at what point do they STICK? The struggles seem to be shorter lived at least but they come and go a lot more than I would like. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 11, 2018 18:02:18 GMT
This is something I wrote months back. I found it today. Writing these things is helpful so that I can come back and remind myself when I’m not holding it. I’m sharing it because it helps me.Maybe I can keep it a little longer this time. Maybe it can help someone else. I used to forgive out of necessity- to keep the thing I needed to survive- but nothing ever changed and under it all there was the belief that it was my fault and that I had no control. I “trusted” people because I needed them and I had no choice- but I kept them at arms length because in reality i knew they would hurt me. That they couldn’t be trusted to give me what I needed, or if they did it came with stipulations. That I had to measure up. And if I didn’t do what I was told or be what I was told to be I would be punished or criticized and belittled into submission. I loved them and I wanted them with me and ultinately I needed them so I endured it anyway. When I was little I had no choice. Then I got older and I tried to find that thing- that unconditional love that I so wanted. But subconsciously I was always looking for that thing I was so afraid was coming. Either the judgement and control or the inevitable abandonment. There is an injustice- real or perceived. Find the injustice. Acknowledge it and hold it. It may be real- it maybe inescapable. Acknowledge and accept it. Don’t run from the things you are afraid of. Dive in- f*** it up. Live. I was so afraid of talking to my ex-DA. Afraid of facing what he did to me, and ultimately what I did to him too. I f***ed it up so bad and got the weight of all those feelings on me. I was dying under them- fighting to escape them. And I’m not now. I am in them. I was afraid and now I am not. I am free. I am no longer with people because I need them. I don’t need them- I am capable and enough on my own. I am with them because I choose to be. But I also choose to be because THAT is where the joy lies. In experience and in sharing it with someone else and in that connection of spirit. Where I am free to be me and they are free to be them. I wasn’t able to give unconditional love anymore than I was able to accept it. I can now. I can give it and accept it for myself. I can give it others too even if they can’t give it back to me. ——————- Oh man that’s a lot to put on the internet. But there it is. Lilos- beautifully stated...and I can relate. It sounds a lot like my AP journey. All familiar fears and struggles. Being free and enough on our own...so hard but necessary to finally get. I’m working on it....I’m happy for all your progress 🌺 |
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Post by blueunif on Nov 12, 2018 23:33:26 GMT
faithopelove - I saw yours and @mary past right after I wrote mine and thought that was interesting! @mary you read me correctly- I’m full of regret and disappointment. And mrob I am living the examined life now and I know what I come away from this with is so much more than I came in with. I am so grateful to him for the lessons he has taught me. I am proud of myself for having the strength to stay with it every time it hurts like this. If I had to loose this chance to know him again in this life to be a real authentic compassionate and whole hearted person then I guess that is the way it had to be. But it’s so sad that this is the way it goes. I feel defeated. I am working on my own forgiveness and self love- but it’s a process and I can’t always hold it. Has anyone seen images of the sculpture “love” by Alexander Milov? It speaks volumes to me and I can’t shake the image. I’m going to try to link it here if I’m savvy enough. This is what it feels like to me. Just two inner children trying to be friends and connect while the big ego filled adults can’t get it together. personalexcellence.co/blog/burning-man-inner-child/ Hi lilos I just clicked on your link and it immediately brought me to tears. Thank you, it is a beautiful sculpture. It makes me so sad because I can't show it to my DA, he is that withdrawn at the moment. I'll hold it close till the day that I can. We are all hurting a lot and I'm so appreciative of the support we can find here. Take care. |
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