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Post by boomerang on Nov 10, 2018 14:49:34 GMT
I don't know how to "be" with my ex-DA/FA at present, and I am struggling with it.
In a nutshell, we had a bad ending late summer and we work in the same building, although not for the same employer. We have had several breakups before. Every time he has ended with me (including this one), I haven't chased--I just remove myself. I stop texting. I don't call. I don't raise the matter. Ditto for him. In past breakups, we have been cordial when we run into each other in the building, but rather reserved. Not much more than hi, how's it going. Then after a few months, he reaches out in small ways, I open the door and engage directly, and we reunite.
This break was different and definitive. We both know we are not getting back together. Recently, we have been bumping into each other a lot. He started initiating conversations, and I picked up anxiety. He seemed to really want to be sure that I would talk to him still. We chatted in a friendly manner for a few minutes each time, catching up. You would think this would mean that things were smoothed over and we could continue in that casually-friendly vein when we see each other in the building.
But, for some reason now, lately, he is clipped and terse when he sees me. Minimal eye contact. It feels like he is angry at me, and I haven't done anything. The one time I texted, which was to send him a link I had promised in one of the friendly conversations, he did not read my text for hours and then just wrote back "thanks". He did not take the opportunity to engage (and I didn't expect it)--so I don't think it's that I haven't reached out more directly.
I don't understand it, and it is upsetting me. Why the anger suddenly and why now, three months later?
I am very attuned to his attitude toward me. And I believe he is attuned to me similarly. But I cannot see what I am doing that is sparking him. And, this is beginning to affect how I am, too, when I see him (more withdrawn). I do know how to be in the face of this. It is incredibly uncomfortable to say hi and smile at someone in the elevator and have them tersely say hi and look away with no smile in return.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2018 16:02:31 GMT
Why care what he thinks? He's an ex. Be cordial and move on.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 10, 2018 16:08:10 GMT
I don't know how to "be" with my ex-DA/FA at present, and I am struggling with it.
In a nutshell, we had a bad ending late summer and we work in the same building, although not for the same employer. We have had several breakups before. Every time he has ended with me (including this one), I haven't chased--I just remove myself. I stop texting. I don't call. I don't raise the matter. Ditto for him. In past breakups, we have been cordial when we run into each other in the building, but rather reserved. Not much more than hi, how's it going. Then after a few months, he reaches out in small ways, I open the door and engage directly, and we reunite.
This break was different and definitive. We both know we are not getting back together. Recently, we have been bumping into each other a lot. He started initiating conversations, and I picked up anxiety. He seemed to really want to be sure that I would talk to him still. We chatted in a friendly manner for a few minutes each time, catching up. You would think this would mean that things were smoothed over and we could continue in that casually-friendly vein when we see each other in the building.
But, for some reason now, lately, he is clipped and terse when he sees me. Minimal eye contact. It feels like he is angry at me, and I haven't done anything. The one time I texted, which was to send him a link I had promised in one of the friendly conversations, he did not read my text for hours and then just wrote back "thanks". He did not take the opportunity to engage (and I didn't expect it)--so I don't think it's that I haven't reached out more directly.
I don't understand it, and it is upsetting me. Why the anger suddenly and why now, three months later?
I am very attuned to his attitude toward me. And I believe he is attuned to me similarly. But I cannot see what I am doing that is sparking him. And, this is beginning to affect how I am, too, when I see him (more withdrawn). I do know how to be in the face of this. It is incredibly uncomfortable to say hi and smile at someone in the elevator and have them tersely say hi and look away with no smile in return.
didn't you write in a thread recently that you woke up angry after all this time recalling things that had happened? do you think it shouldn't be that way for him? i'm not sure i get why you would be questioning his anger when you have a burden of your own- or am i mistaken and that wasn't you who expressed that? i'm sorry if i have that wrong. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 10, 2018 19:22:06 GMT
Hey...If he’s an ex that you let go then I wouldn’t put stock into how he feels or analyze why he may feel a certain way. It could be a variety of reasons, past or present, but you don’t need the angst to figure it out. I would be cordial but not reach out at all in texts or it will likely keep your mind whirling around this. Focus on you and let him work out whatever is provoking these feelings. When I was done with my ex husband I blocked him on every side to prevent future stress that could interrupt my moving forward. We share 4 kids and I still blocked him. It helped me immensely.
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Post by boomerang on Nov 11, 2018 1:34:15 GMT
I don't know how to "be" with my ex-DA/FA at present, and I am struggling with it.
In a nutshell, we had a bad ending late summer and we work in the same building, although not for the same employer. We have had several breakups before. Every time he has ended with me (including this one), I haven't chased--I just remove myself. I stop texting. I don't call. I don't raise the matter. Ditto for him. In past breakups, we have been cordial when we run into each other in the building, but rather reserved. Not much more than hi, how's it going. Then after a few months, he reaches out in small ways, I open the door and engage directly, and we reunite.
This break was different and definitive. We both know we are not getting back together. Recently, we have been bumping into each other a lot. He started initiating conversations, and I picked up anxiety. He seemed to really want to be sure that I would talk to him still. We chatted in a friendly manner for a few minutes each time, catching up. You would think this would mean that things were smoothed over and we could continue in that casually-friendly vein when we see each other in the building.
But, for some reason now, lately, he is clipped and terse when he sees me. Minimal eye contact. It feels like he is angry at me, and I haven't done anything. The one time I texted, which was to send him a link I had promised in one of the friendly conversations, he did not read my text for hours and then just wrote back "thanks". He did not take the opportunity to engage (and I didn't expect it)--so I don't think it's that I haven't reached out more directly.
I don't understand it, and it is upsetting me. Why the anger suddenly and why now, three months later?
I am very attuned to his attitude toward me. And I believe he is attuned to me similarly. But I cannot see what I am doing that is sparking him. And, this is beginning to affect how I am, too, when I see him (more withdrawn). I do know how to be in the face of this. It is incredibly uncomfortable to say hi and smile at someone in the elevator and have them tersely say hi and look away with no smile in return.
didn't you write in a thread recently that you woke up angry after all this time recalling things that had happened? do you think it shouldn't be that way for him? i'm not sure i get why you would be questioning his anger when you have a burden of your own- or am i mistaken and that wasn't you who expressed that? i'm sorry if i have that wrong. Juniper, Mary, FHL--
Yes, that was me who posted on waking up angry. I was angry pretty much continuously for a long time afterwards --getting over it, but still have days. Maybe he just gets angry on a different timeline, as this has popped up suddenly and for a month wasn't present at all. People do process things differently. Thanks for reminding me of that. I am not saying he should not be angry, but the problem is me and how I react to it. And because of our reactive dynamic history with each other, it makes me feel that I have done something to spark it. And I don't want to do that because I do not want to feel uncomfortable at work. Plus, when I am uncomfortable, it shows (and he reacts to me, then) and I do not want this to spiral down. Because it is a) unpleasant and b) keeps me focused on him.
But yes, it may have nothing to do with anything I am doing or not doing at present, so I will take that viewpoint as it is helpful. I have to move out of the mental loop of our previous relationship and feeling that I cause every negative thing by what I do/don't do.
I will just focus on continuing the cordiality when we meet, masking my reactions, and get through this period until we can return to being causally pleasant or some other normal work interaction.
As for contact, no worries there. Aside from fulfilling what I said I would do in that one text, which was not personal in any way, I have not reached out at all.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2018 2:05:23 GMT
it sucks you are in that position, boomerang. working with an ex is emotionally exhausting. i hope you can detach from him over time and find your peace at work. in the past i have found that "fake it till you make it" can be helpful. |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 11, 2018 2:18:39 GMT
I feel for you...I don't think it would be easy at all to see an ex (even briefly) on a regular basis. I thought I could do that "weekly" with B coming to the community we met at and in the end, I had to pull away from the group in order to stop the cycle of being sad/hopeful. I want you to know that when I was in the group...I did exactly the same thing...I would question every single interaction and if B was not in a good space...I would get concerned it was related to me and it would impact my thoughts and mood for days....and I only saw him 1 day a week. If you can grant space that his feeling may have nothing to do with you (which I find is uber difficult, but I am still working on it), then that may allow some much needed space between his reaction and how you react to it. Just a consideration.
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 11, 2018 2:43:04 GMT
It would be nice to be able to get into other people's minds  In this case, you mentioned the breakup is more definitive than usual so it could make sense that his behaviors could be different than usual as a means of self protection. My guess is he's probably still adjusting to the breakup, working through his own complex feelings, etc. Maybe he's being more guarded as a means of self protection. Of course you can't control his behavior, so just keep working on your behavior and reactions. |
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Post by boomerang on Nov 11, 2018 11:32:16 GMT
Indeed, it would be nice to get into other people's minds!
The break was his call, but it was a bad break, so it would not surprise me if he is still working through it and all the things around it. I am, too.
He is a complex person, and very self-contained, so there is no way to really know what is going on. And I never will, unless he tells me--which he won't. That's OK.
I am just going to take Juniper's advice and fake it 'til I make it. In time, we'll find a new normal, and it's my wish that it is a cordial one--so that is how I am going to proceed regardless.
Thanks, all--I feel rebalanced.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2018 13:32:50 GMT
Indeed, it would be nice to get into other people's minds!
The break was his call, but it was a bad one, so it would not surprise me if he is still working through it and all the things around it. I am, too.
He is a complex person, and very self-contained, so there is no way to really know what is going on. And I never will, unless he tells me--which he won't. That's OK.
I am just going to take Juniper's advice and fake it 'til I make it. In time, we'll find a new normal, and it's my wish that it is a cordial one--so that is how I am going to proceed regardless.
Thanks, all--I feel rebalanced.
acting "as if" you are more detached, emotionally free from the toxic entanglement, empowered instead of disempowered, can be a great exercise innopening to another perspective and way of coming out of this. it's like smiling - the brain is influenced by a smile. it's been proven i think, that we can influence our insides with a conscious shift in our bodies, due to the mind body connection. hold your head higher- you have dignity. smile more- peace is possible for you here. move with some grace , don't stumble through this, you've got it. - think of all the ways you can be a Queen here and it might lift you up and help you realize your worth in all situations, no matter what some else is doing with their mind and body. you can be autonomous from him, here and now. it's very freeing to own your own space and inhabit it joyfully. you deserve to be there, as a happy woman who is finding freedom from pain, not drowning it it. hugs!!! oh and breathe- breath awareness when you are at work will bring your focus back to you and your beautiful queen self. |
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Post by boomerang on Nov 11, 2018 15:21:24 GMT
Thank you, Juniper. That was beautiful, what you wrote.
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Post by Rookie on Nov 11, 2018 16:51:22 GMT
Thank you for writing this, Juniper. Printing this and reading it every morning till I "own my own space and inhabit it joyfully"  acting "as if" you are more detached, emotionally free from the toxic entanglement, empowered instead of disempowered, can be a great exercise innopening to another perspective and way of coming out of this. it's like smiling - the brain is influenced by a smile. it's been proven i think, that we can influence our insides with a conscious shift in our bodies, due to the mind body connection. hold your head higher- you have dignity. smile more- peace is possible for you here. move with some grace , don't stumble through this, you've got it. - think of all the ways you can be a Queen here and it might lift you up and help you realize your worth in all situations, no matter what some else is doing with their mind and body. you can be autonomous from him, here and now. it's very freeing to own your own space and inhabit it joyfully. you deserve to be there, as a happy woman who is finding freedom from pain, not drowning it it. hugs!!! oh and breathe- breath awareness when you are at work will bring your focus back to you and your beautiful queen self. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 11, 2018 17:37:56 GMT
Thank you for writing this, Juniper. Printing this and reading it every morning till I "own my own space and inhabit it joyfully" acting "as if" you are more detached, emotionally free from the toxic entanglement, empowered instead of disempowered, can be a great exercise innopening to another perspective and way of coming out of this. it's like smiling - the brain is influenced by a smile. it's been proven i think, that we can influence our insides with a conscious shift in our bodies, due to the mind body connection. hold your head higher- you have dignity. smile more- peace is possible for you here. move with some grace , don't stumble through this, you've got it. - think of all the ways you can be a Queen here and it might lift you up and help you realize your worth in all situations, no matter what some else is doing with their mind and body. you can be autonomous from him, here and now. it's very freeing to own your own space and inhabit it joyfully. you deserve to be there, as a happy woman who is finding freedom from pain, not drowning it it. hugs!!! oh and breathe- breath awareness when you are at work will bring your focus back to you and your beautiful queen self. ♥️ |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2018 6:17:12 GMT
Thank you, Juniper. That was beautiful, what you wrote. you got this 🌸 |
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