joan
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Posts: 100
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Post by joan on Nov 14, 2018 0:32:09 GMT
I'm feeling absolutely heartbroken and devastated right now and could really use any support or words of comfort. A lot of times I come on here when I'm feeling distressed and just read through the posts and that has a way of comforting me. This time I need to post something because my heart is feeling so heavy and broken right now.
I know as an AP we have a tendency to create a fantasy/fairy tale like story of love and relationships. I've lived in one for the past three years. I'm still clinging onto it if I'm being honest. My DA and I got into a fight the other night. I posted that on here the other day. Anyway today he told me it's over. Mind you he's probably broken up with me 50 times since we've been seeing each other. I'm the absolute definition of a glutton for punishment. The thing is I've always felt when he's broken up with me that he didn't really want that. I believed it was his way of keeping his distance, fearing getting close, fearing engulfment and fighting his feelings for me. Also as a way to test my love and devotion to him. Will I stick around, will I fight for him? How strong am I to weather through his turbulent feelings. I saw in every instance when things were good how deeply he felt for me. I didn't need to hear the words. I saw the action, the look in his eyes, and the way he held me and all the other nuances that can't be described. Fact or fantasy?
A lot of people think astrology, psychics and twin flame/soul mate relationships are a bunch of bull. I'm a skeptic myself. However, the fantasy thinking in me will still read our astrology compatibility and just today out of desperation I called a psychic. I needed something, anything. I'm struggling to understand how someone who I felt really had strong and deep feelings for me could end things over something I felt was small. Granted, the small things can add up, but I didn't think they were deal breakers or unbearable for anyone to deal with. This psychic told me with only knowing both our names and my birth date that he's feeling highly stressed from other things in his life like work, and family. He's also feeling the pull of taking things to the next level and that scares him. He's reacting out of fear because he loves me and knows things are getting deeper. She said I needed to back off, take a lot but not all of my energy off of him and he will feel that energy flowing away from him and he'll come towards me when he feels I'm no longer banging on the door (sounds very similar to how they've described a DA).
She also said he's projecting all of his current stresses on me, like I'm the cause of them. Once I pull back, he will see that I wasn't the cause, but actually someone who brought some light to his life. She says he'll come back to me by this weekend, so the jury's still out.
I realize the fantasy thinking, but this is what's kept me from falling to the ground crying the gut wrenching tears that I've experienced throughout the last couple of days. You all know my pain all too well.
I'm trying to bring some compassion to myself. I tell myself he won't have to worry about me stressing him out anymore. Meaning, he won't have to worry about seeing my face light up and get so excited and wrapping myself around him when he comes over. He won't have to worry about sharing something going on in his day with me where he'll have to have someone who'll listen to him vent, give advice or be happy for him. He won't have to hear me say I'll miss him when he leaves. He won't have to make me laugh or laugh at my stupid jokes. He won't have to worry about someone out in this world who gives a crap about him. I try to be indignant obviously. That indignation, and anger is still stuck in between this heart wrenching pain. The last thing he said was, "You and I as a couple are done. You're free to chat and stuff. I don't have you or anything. This is totally civil as two adult." I texted back my heart was totally broken so you think I can or want to chat?? I don't hate you but you have completely crushed me. That was the last of our texts today and I know at this point I have to leave it alone. Whether he texts me again or not, no matter what this psychic said is out of my control. It's now just finding the strength to put one foot in front of the other until time takes away this pain.
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 14, 2018 2:27:16 GMT
I'm feeling absolutely heartbroken and devastated right now and could really use any support or words of comfort. A lot of times I come on here when I'm feeling distressed and just read through the posts and that has a way of comforting me. This time I need to post something because my heart is feeling so heavy and broken right now. I know as an AP we have a tendency to create a fantasy/fairy tale like story of love and relationships. I've lived in one for the past three years. I'm still clinging onto it if I'm being honest. My DA and I got into a fight the other night. I posted that on here the other day. Anyway today he told me it's over. Mind you he's probably broken up with me 50 times since we've been seeing each other. I'm the absolute definition of a glutton for punishment. The thing is I've always felt when he's broken up with me that he didn't really want that. I believed it was his way of keeping his distance, fearing getting close, fearing engulfment and fighting his feelings for me. Also as a way to test my love and devotion to him. Will I stick around, will I fight for him? How strong am I to weather through his turbulent feelings. I saw in every instance when things were good how deeply he felt for me. I didn't need to hear the words. I saw the action, the look in his eyes, and the way he held me and all the other nuances that can't be described. Fact or fantasy? A lot of people think astrology, psychics and twin flame/soul mate relationships are a bunch of bull. I'm a skeptic myself. However, the fantasy thinking in me will still read our astrology compatibility and just today out of desperation I called a psychic. I needed something, anything. I'm struggling to understand how someone who I felt really had strong and deep feelings for me could end things over something I felt was small. Granted, the small things can add up, but I didn't think they were deal breakers or unbearable for anyone to deal with. This psychic told me with only knowing both our names and my birth date that he's feeling highly stressed from other things in his life like work, and family. He's also feeling the pull of taking things to the next level and that scares him. He's reacting out of fear because he loves me and knows things are getting deeper. She said I needed to back off, take a lot but not all of my energy off of him and he will feel that energy flowing away from him and he'll come towards me when he feels I'm no longer banging on the door (sounds very similar to how they've described a DA). She also said he's projecting all of his current stresses on me, like I'm the cause of them. Once I pull back, he will see that I wasn't the cause, but actually someone who brought some light to his life. She says he'll come back to me by this weekend, so the jury's still out. I realize the fantasy thinking, but this is what's kept me from falling to the ground crying the gut wrenching tears that I've experienced throughout the last couple of days. You all know my pain all too well. I'm trying to bring some compassion to myself. I tell myself he won't have to worry about me stressing him out anymore. Meaning, he won't have to worry about seeing my face light up and get so excited and wrapping myself around him when he comes over. He won't have to worry about sharing something going on in his day with me where he'll have to have someone who'll listen to him vent, give advice or be happy for him. He won't have to hear me say I'll miss him when he leaves. He won't have to make me laugh or laugh at my stupid jokes. He won't have to worry about someone out in this world who gives a crap about him. I try to be indignant obviously. That indignation, and anger is still stuck in between this heart wrenching pain. The last thing he said was, "You and I as a couple are done. You're free to chat and stuff. I don't have you or anything. This is totally civil as two adult." I texted back my heart was totally broken so you think I can or want to chat?? I don't hate you but you have completely crushed me. That was the last of our texts today and I know at this point I have to leave it alone. Whether he texts me again or not, no matter what this psychic said is out of my control. It's now just finding the strength to put one foot in front of the other until time takes away this pain. Joan, I’m so sorry you’re going through this heart break...so much instability and upheaval 😞 And a terrible way to end in a text. Is he DA or FA? Sounds like FA to keep returning...I didn’t think DA’s revisited? Either way, sorry for your pain- I would create distance and pull way back. Begging will only lose respect and shut him down more- he’s obviously not wanting to talk. When my ex DA ignores a text, I now will not give that dismissal cause for my utter misery. I continue on with a project or plan of my own. He so often shuts down that I’ve learned to fill my own space and not depend on him at all. Maybe you can get to that place and eventually break free from this pattern. Look at your past with this man and ask yourself if this relationship really what you want...or deserve? Can you ever rely on him to stay with you and offer his part of a stable relationship? Can he consistently show up as a partner and think of another's needs? Praying for your comfort and strength. I used to be triggered by time and space from my partner more than anything else- now I see every morning is a chance for hope and healing. You’re not alone! ((Hugs)) |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 14, 2018 2:49:34 GMT
I'm trying to bring some compassion to myself. I tell myself he won't have to worry about me stressing him out anymore. Meaning, he won't have to worry about seeing my face light up and get so excited and wrapping myself around him when he comes over. He won't have to worry about sharing something going on in his day with me where he'll have to have someone who'll listen to him vent, give advice or be happy for him. He won't have to hear me say I'll miss him when he leaves. He won't have to make me laugh or laugh at my stupid jokes. He won't have to worry about someone out in this world who gives a crap about him.
Joan.....I am not seeing how the text above shows any compassion to you...it is all about him.....he won't this and he won't that...what about Joan? What won't you have to put up with or worry about? I know you are hurting.....gosh I know about the pain you describe. Do you have friends you can spend time with who can help you to treat yourself kindly at this time? Hugs.
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joan
Full Member
Posts: 100
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Post by joan on Nov 14, 2018 4:11:52 GMT
I'm feeling absolutely heartbroken and devastated right now and could really use any support or words of comfort. A lot of times I come on here when I'm feeling distressed and just read through the posts and that has a way of comforting me. This time I need to post something because my heart is feeling so heavy and broken right now. I know as an AP we have a tendency to create a fantasy/fairy tale like story of love and relationships. I've lived in one for the past three years. I'm still clinging onto it if I'm being honest. My DA and I got into a fight the other night. I posted that on here the other day. Anyway today he told me it's over. Mind you he's probably broken up with me 50 times since we've been seeing each other. I'm the absolute definition of a glutton for punishment. The thing is I've always felt when he's broken up with me that he didn't really want that. I believed it was his way of keeping his distance, fearing getting close, fearing engulfment and fighting his feelings for me. Also as a way to test my love and devotion to him. Will I stick around, will I fight for him? How strong am I to weather through his turbulent feelings. I saw in every instance when things were good how deeply he felt for me. I didn't need to hear the words. I saw the action, the look in his eyes, and the way he held me and all the other nuances that can't be described. Fact or fantasy? A lot of people think astrology, psychics and twin flame/soul mate relationships are a bunch of bull. I'm a skeptic myself. However, the fantasy thinking in me will still read our astrology compatibility and just today out of desperation I called a psychic. I needed something, anything. I'm struggling to understand how someone who I felt really had strong and deep feelings for me could end things over something I felt was small. Granted, the small things can add up, but I didn't think they were deal breakers or unbearable for anyone to deal with. This psychic told me with only knowing both our names and my birth date that he's feeling highly stressed from other things in his life like work, and family. He's also feeling the pull of taking things to the next level and that scares him. He's reacting out of fear because he loves me and knows things are getting deeper. She said I needed to back off, take a lot but not all of my energy off of him and he will feel that energy flowing away from him and he'll come towards me when he feels I'm no longer banging on the door (sounds very similar to how they've described a DA). She also said he's projecting all of his current stresses on me, like I'm the cause of them. Once I pull back, he will see that I wasn't the cause, but actually someone who brought some light to his life. She says he'll come back to me by this weekend, so the jury's still out. I realize the fantasy thinking, but this is what's kept me from falling to the ground crying the gut wrenching tears that I've experienced throughout the last couple of days. You all know my pain all too well. I'm trying to bring some compassion to myself. I tell myself he won't have to worry about me stressing him out anymore. Meaning, he won't have to worry about seeing my face light up and get so excited and wrapping myself around him when he comes over. He won't have to worry about sharing something going on in his day with me where he'll have to have someone who'll listen to him vent, give advice or be happy for him. He won't have to hear me say I'll miss him when he leaves. He won't have to make me laugh or laugh at my stupid jokes. He won't have to worry about someone out in this world who gives a crap about him. I try to be indignant obviously. That indignation, and anger is still stuck in between this heart wrenching pain. The last thing he said was, "You and I as a couple are done. You're free to chat and stuff. I don't have you or anything. This is totally civil as two adult." I texted back my heart was totally broken so you think I can or want to chat?? I don't hate you but you have completely crushed me. That was the last of our texts today and I know at this point I have to leave it alone. Whether he texts me again or not, no matter what this psychic said is out of my control. It's now just finding the strength to put one foot in front of the other until time takes away this pain. Joan, I’m so sorry you’re going through this heart break...so much instability and upheaval 😞 And a terrible way to end in a text. Is he DA or FA? Sounds like FA to keep returning...I didn’t think DA’s revisited? Either way, sorry for your pain- I would create distance and pull way back. Begging will only lose respect and shut him down more- he’s obviously not wanting to talk. When my ex DA ignores a text, I now will not give that dismissal cause for my utter misery. I continue on with a project or plan of my own. He so often shuts down that I’ve learned to fill my own space and not depend on him at all. Maybe you can get to that place and eventually break free from this pattern. Look at your past with this man and ask yourself if this relationship really what you want...or deserve? Can you ever rely on him to stay with you and offer his part of a stable relationship? Can he consistently show up as a partner and think of another's needs? Praying for your comfort and strength. I used to be triggered by time and space from my partner more than anything else- now I see every morning is a chance for hope and healing. You’re not alone! ((Hugs)) Thank you Faithopelove for your empathy and understanding. I really do appreciate it. I felt he was DA, but could've been slightly FA. I know I need to create distance, and I told myself that I would after he broke up with me and we went back and forth earlier today. Yet I still ended up texting him about an hour ago asking if there was anyone else so I could really drive it home in my head that it's over. Of course he hasn't responded. He's always denied there being anyone else, but I'm struggling to understand how he could go from seeming to be so into me where he had brought over all these things he saw I needed for my place, was still being affectionate and was going to spend the night this past Saturday to breaking up with me because I started asking him questions about being distant. He asked if I wanted him to go home and I responded I didn't care, if he wanted to. That I know really triggered him. I've never been dismissive like that, but for some weird reason, and the for the first time ever I did have this slight feeling of wanting him to go home. I'm still trying to figure out where that came from. I've been largely unhappy in this. I wanted him, but I didn't like the relationship and how he wanted things to be. There was so much discomfort even when things were going good between us. I didn't like the distance he needed. I cannot rely on him whatsoever to stay with me and offer any stability. That's where so much of my discomfort came from. Knowing I couldn't rely on him, trust him or know where things were going. At times I felt it was good for me, it forced me to be alone, to be stronger, and more self-sufficient. Yet there was that hurt and sadness that I had this partner who I shared this intimacy with that there was this distance with and I felt this wall he'd put up between us. Being fully single felt better than being with someone who I couldn't understand why they weren't showing up as my partner consistently. |
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joan
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Post by joan on Nov 14, 2018 4:19:50 GMT
I'm trying to bring some compassion to myself. I tell myself he won't have to worry about me stressing him out anymore. Meaning, he won't have to worry about seeing my face light up and get so excited and wrapping myself around him when he comes over. He won't have to worry about sharing something going on in his day with me where he'll have to have someone who'll listen to him vent, give advice or be happy for him. He won't have to hear me say I'll miss him when he leaves. He won't have to make me laugh or laugh at my stupid jokes. He won't have to worry about someone out in this world who gives a crap about him. Joan.....I am not seeing how the text above shows any compassion to you...it is all about him.....he won't this and he won't that...what about Joan? What won't you have to put up with or worry about? I know you are hurting.....gosh I know about the pain you describe. Do you have friends you can spend time with who can help you to treat yourself kindly at this time? Hugs. I'm really trying to find compassion for myself and I do at times. I've been reaching out to friends and I've gotten a lot of sound advice that's helping me. Since this just happened I'm still feeling so gutted and I know time is really the only remedy. It helps to talk to people, get out of the house, and write out what I'm feeling, but I know ultimately it's time and distance that's going to eventually take this away. I've been through heartbreaks before and I know I will get through this, but man does this hurt. The suddenness of it, and the total about face. That adds to the confusion that adds to the heartache. I could see if we'd been distant, having problems or he was acting weird, but it wasn't that way. His words, this break up doesn't line up with how things have been. I'm just trying to make sense of it all. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 14, 2018 4:35:42 GMT
Joan, I’m so sorry you’re going through this heart break...so much instability and upheaval 😞 And a terrible way to end in a text. Is he DA or FA? Sounds like FA to keep returning...I didn’t think DA’s revisited? Either way, sorry for your pain- I would create distance and pull way back. Begging will only lose respect and shut him down more- he’s obviously not wanting to talk. When my ex DA ignores a text, I now will not give that dismissal cause for my utter misery. I continue on with a project or plan of my own. He so often shuts down that I’ve learned to fill my own space and not depend on him at all. Maybe you can get to that place and eventually break free from this pattern. Look at your past with this man and ask yourself if this relationship really what you want...or deserve? Can you ever rely on him to stay with you and offer his part of a stable relationship? Can he consistently show up as a partner and think of another's needs? Praying for your comfort and strength. I used to be triggered by time and space from my partner more than anything else- now I see every morning is a chance for hope and healing. You’re not alone! ((Hugs)) Thank you Faithopelove for your empathy and understanding. I really do appreciate it. I felt he was DA, but could've been slightly FA. I know I need to create distance, and I told myself that I would after he broke up with me and we went back and forth earlier today. Yet I still ended up texting him about an hour ago asking if there was anyone else so I could really drive it home in my head that it's over. Of course he hasn't responded. He's always denied there being anyone else, but I'm struggling to understand how he could go from seeming to be so into me where he had brought over all these things he saw I needed for my place, was still being affectionate and was going to spend the night this past Saturday to breaking up with me because I started asking him questions about being distant. He asked if I wanted him to go home and I responded I didn't care, if he wanted to. That I know really triggered him. I've never been dismissive like that, but for some weird reason, and the for the first time ever I did have this slight feeling of wanting him to go home. I'm still trying to figure out where that came from. I've been largely unhappy in this. I wanted him, but I didn't like the relationship and how he wanted things to be. There was so much discomfort even when things were going good between us. I didn't like the distance he needed. I cannot rely on him whatsoever to stay with me and offer any stability. That's where so much of my discomfort came from. Knowing I couldn't rely on him, trust him or know where things were going. At times I felt it was good for me, it forced me to be alone, to be stronger, and more self-sufficient. Yet there was that hurt and sadness that I had this partner who I shared this intimacy with that there was this distance with and I felt this wall he'd put up between us. Being fully single felt better than being with someone who I couldn't understand why they weren't showing up as my partner consistently. Awe, yes, I hear you. 💗 Being alone is starting to feel safer than putting myself out there to my ex. I feel that way with texting now- if I don’t reach out then I don’t put myself in the position of being ignored. I hate the thought too of him cringing at my name on his cell...I don’t want to have to hunt him down and chase him just to get some breadcrumbs. I feel we need to be at the point that we know our self-worth and if a guy doesn’t want us or simply feels incapable then we need to accept it gracefully and release. I know that’s SOOO hard to do- I’ve been seeing my ex for a year, but I’m at the point that getting hurt is getting old and his efforts are so minimum that really....what are we losing? |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2018 4:59:28 GMT
i'm sorry you're hurting.
i've read your posts.
i believe you could use some perspective on the difficulty of his life.
he is a grown man voluntarily living with his parents (who presumably shaped his attachment.) OUCH
He is helping care for his father who has dementia. Read accounts of what that is like for adult children. anguish. OUCH
He works from home while caring for a father with dementia. OUCH
He expresses he is not able to have a relationship because of these pressures. OUCH
He has been sweet and attentive and helpful to you in spite of all this, by your own account.
He seems distant lately and you get activated and obsess about him cheating. Which means he would be lying. a liar. you suspect he is a cheat and a liar.
you question him.
you distance. you reject.
look at this. this is not a surprise he ended things; he felt unable to have a relationship and got involved with a woman who looks at his stressful life and because of her insecurity thinks he is cheating and lying.
he doesn't need this and neither do you. it's toxic.
but don't rewrite this in your head and pretend there is no basis for this breakup. You're just torturing yourself and losing touch with some real factors. His life stressors are huge!!!
sorry to be blunt but really, is it so surprising this man has decided he just can't do it?
think about what really is true here. this relationship has been rough on both of you and maybe ending it is best. for both of you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2018 5:10:55 GMT
imagine tag teaming with your mother , both of you working to live, and together you take care of your father with dementia. he's a lot to handle. but he's your dad. you do the right thing, the hard thing, the thing that is the hardest thing you perhaps have ever done in your life.
you go to the grocery store with the man you're seeing.
you're stressed.
every time you go to another aisle he imagines you're texting another man.
he acts out, questioning you, acting as if he has no awareness of the kind of day you just had working at home with your demented father. you're at the grocery store. you'd like to be relaxing somewhere comfy to retreat but errands aren't done.
your jealous man turns cold. you ask if he wants you to go home.
he doesn't care. he's dismissive.
you break up because this relationship hurts and you hurt enough already , dammit.
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Post by lilyg on Nov 14, 2018 10:28:07 GMT
Hey Joan, I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I hope you're feeling a bit better today and that you're reaching out to your loved ones for support. As I told you, I think he having too much on his plate right now makes him unavailable to date in the way that you need. When I was going through something similar I did think I left people in my life 'on pause'. I don't think I had the mental and emotional capacity of fully commiting to a relationship with all the ups and downs at that time. Even if I really liked someone, I'd probalby had to be with someone that understood enjoying a relationship was not my priority back then. This has made you anxious and stressed and has created a toxic dynamic in which two people who like each other (and possibly love each other) were struggling. It must hurt a lot, and I'm very sorry for you. But sometimes we have to take a deep breath and focus on what's going on inside us and decide if this is the type of relationship we want in our lives. It's a very mature thing to do, even if it sometimes hurts like hell. Please don't go to psychists  they'll only take your money and confuse you more. I had a friend who used to hear them and they only made her more insecure with all their crap (for a modest price). It wasn't until she decided she was done with her ex that she took full control of herself and later entered a much more fullfilling relationship with a secure guy. The answer is very much inside you. I understand we cannot control what we feel, and what you feel now it's very painful, but you can focus on your actions. Stop the AP trap. Try to do some relaxing exercises and post here if you're feeling down. I'd definetely advise no contact in the meantime. |
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 14, 2018 11:49:10 GMT
Sorry you're going through this. I didn't do a physic but I have gotten a tarot reading, it was so accurate it was scary! LOL Totally pegged his avoidant behaviors and how I was feeling. All I gave was his name. I think readings can help you gain some clarity, it helped me and it gave me relief. Do I put total stock in it, no but I gained a lot of insight about where we were at at that time. The universe and the energies are real along with free will. No matter what a reader says there is free will and energies change. Twin flames, meh but soulmates yes, they come in all forms. And yes just back off and let him be, leave it to the universe. I left mine to the universe, if we were meant to be we will be. As they say set them free... Am I waiting on him, no, but its up to the universe now and Im just doing me or as one of my favorite readers says "just do you boo". haha. The universe will send him back self aware ready to make changes or they will send me someone else that is ready for me. Just do you.  |
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Post by tnr9 on Nov 14, 2018 12:40:45 GMT
Hey Joan...I just want to add......it is worth looking into his capacity for a relationship that you desire at this time......one of the AP traps is to personalize things.....that he broke up with you because of you (and solely because of you.....which feeds into the whole..if onlys)....but where there is growth opportunity is to be able to take a step back and see the picture laid out by Juniper not as a negative statement about you...but how he is not in a place to provide you with what you need because of his own circumstances. I don't believe the focus should be what you need to do should him come back, but rather....what is the relationship that Joan needs and then being open to that being met by someone else. Hugs.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2018 14:02:07 GMT
It doesn't sound like the break up was "sudden" as you have broken up 50 times in the past. You say you could see it if you were having problems, but you were largely unhappy in the relationship. If you were unhappy, the changes are huge that he was unhappy as well. Each break up, it becomes more final. Perhaps you are grieving what you think the relationship could have been rather than what it actually was.
Break ups are hard and I know you will find a lot of support here. Sending cyber hugs.
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joan
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Post by joan on Nov 14, 2018 22:54:51 GMT
i'm sorry you're hurting. i've read your posts. i believe you could use some perspective on the difficulty of his life. he is a grown man voluntarily living with his parents (who presumably shaped his attachment.) OUCH He is helping care for his father who has dementia. Read accounts of what that is like for adult children. anguish. OUCH He works from home while caring for a father with dementia. OUCH He expresses he is not able to have a relationship because of these pressures. OUCH He has been sweet and attentive and helpful to you in spite of all this, by your own account. He seems distant lately and you get activated and obsess about him cheating. Which means he would be lying. a liar. you suspect he is a cheat and a liar. you question him. you distance. you reject. look at this. this is not a surprise he ended things; he felt unable to have a relationship and got involved with a woman who looks at his stressful life and because of her insecurity thinks he is cheating and lying. he doesn't need this and neither do you. it's toxic. but don't rewrite this in your head and pretend there is no basis for this breakup. You're just torturing yourself and losing touch with some real factors. His life stressors are huge!!! sorry to be blunt but really, is it so surprising this man has decided he just can't do it? think about what really is true here. this relationship has been rough on both of you and maybe ending it is best. for both of you. I do understand what you’re saying Juniper and I appreciate your bluntness. I have always tried to keep in mind that the responsibility and stress of taking care of his father was hard enough for him and he didn’t need the added burden of my insecurities. Whenever I felt triggered by him being distant or whatever triggers came up I’d lose sight of that and start with the protest behavior. I’m now feeling the intense regret and shame of that. I don’t blame him for wanting to end things. I wish I could take it all back but what’s done is done |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2018 23:13:28 GMT
i'm sorry you're hurting. i've read your posts. i believe you could use some perspective on the difficulty of his life. he is a grown man voluntarily living with his parents (who presumably shaped his attachment.) OUCH He is helping care for his father who has dementia. Read accounts of what that is like for adult children. anguish. OUCH He works from home while caring for a father with dementia. OUCH He expresses he is not able to have a relationship because of these pressures. OUCH He has been sweet and attentive and helpful to you in spite of all this, by your own account. He seems distant lately and you get activated and obsess about him cheating. Which means he would be lying. a liar. you suspect he is a cheat and a liar. you question him. you distance. you reject. look at this. this is not a surprise he ended things; he felt unable to have a relationship and got involved with a woman who looks at his stressful life and because of her insecurity thinks he is cheating and lying. he doesn't need this and neither do you. it's toxic. but don't rewrite this in your head and pretend there is no basis for this breakup. You're just torturing yourself and losing touch with some real factors. His life stressors are huge!!! sorry to be blunt but really, is it so surprising this man has decided he just can't do it? think about what really is true here. this relationship has been rough on both of you and maybe ending it is best. for both of you. I do understand what you’re saying Juniper and I appreciate your bluntness. I have always tried to keep in mind that the responsibility and stress of taking care of his father was hard enough for him and he didn’t need the added burden of my insecurities. Whenever I felt triggered by him being distant or whatever triggers came up I’d lose sight of that and start with the protest behavior. I’m now feeling the intense regret and shame of that. I don’t blame him for wanting to end things. I wish I could take it all back but what’s done is done i think we have all behaved in ways that we aren't proud of in retrospect, it's the awful reality of attachment injury. i'm sure your partner has behaved in ways that are damaging to a relationship also. it's the nature of this stuff. the growth is in refusing to succumb to self defeating behaviors like self-shaming and circular thinking. easier said than done, i know. but there is the option of having compassion for yourself by recognizing that yes, you've been conditioned in ways that hurt you and others. all of us insecurely attached have, and it's as deep as our nervous system and brains!!! it's automatic stuff, not stiff we would engage in if we had a better way. over time, we have to develop and practice a better way. anne12 has posted so many good threads on healing the different styles. try to take this opportunity to make a commitment to your self and your future happiness to undertake the hard work of reworking this stuff in yourself. it will be a more fruitful use of time and energy to heal than it will be to deepen the wound and rob yourself of hope by staying stuck. i'm truly sorry that you are hurting. i just want to encourage you to proceed with the awareness and potential you have to actually progress toward secure instead of getting lost in illusions and denial. most of us heal because of loss. we are tired of experiencing loss. hugs, joan 🌸 |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 14, 2018 23:37:08 GMT
i'm sorry you're hurting. i've read your posts. i believe you could use some perspective on the difficulty of his life. he is a grown man voluntarily living with his parents (who presumably shaped his attachment.) OUCH He is helping care for his father who has dementia. Read accounts of what that is like for adult children. anguish. OUCH He works from home while caring for a father with dementia. OUCH He expresses he is not able to have a relationship because of these pressures. OUCH He has been sweet and attentive and helpful to you in spite of all this, by your own account. He seems distant lately and you get activated and obsess about him cheating. Which means he would be lying. a liar. you suspect he is a cheat and a liar. you question him. you distance. you reject. look at this. this is not a surprise he ended things; he felt unable to have a relationship and got involved with a woman who looks at his stressful life and because of her insecurity thinks he is cheating and lying. he doesn't need this and neither do you. it's toxic. but don't rewrite this in your head and pretend there is no basis for this breakup. You're just torturing yourself and losing touch with some real factors. His life stressors are huge!!! sorry to be blunt but really, is it so surprising this man has decided he just can't do it? think about what really is true here. this relationship has been rough on both of you and maybe ending it is best. for both of you. I do understand what you’re saying Juniper and I appreciate your bluntness. I have always tried to keep in mind that the responsibility and stress of taking care of his father was hard enough for him and he didn’t need the added burden of my insecurities. Whenever I felt triggered by him being distant or whatever triggers came up I’d lose sight of that and start with the protest behavior. I’m now feeling the intense regret and shame of that. I don’t blame him for wanting to end things. I wish I could take it all back but what’s done is done Hey, Joan...Can you see this season as a time to focus on you and your healing? You may have been trying to do that while simultaneously seeing him but this break will give you a chance to think only of you. Do what pleases you. Love and be kind to yourself. No interaction with him is hard but it also means no further stress, eggshells, suspicion, accusations, ruminations, regret, shame and eventual break ups. That part of staying away is liberating. I’m staying away and I feel protected. Once in a while my anxiety creeps up but I manage to push it away pretty quickly. I don’t want to chase, force, manipulate, convince- protest until a man wants me. I hate feeling that desperate. That doesn’t spark desire in either partner. We need to recognize our worth and our partners’ limitations as well as our own limitations and needs. I want what my ex DA can’t or won’t give me. I want a relationship. I will no longer grieve for something that doesn’t exist or keep hurting for someone who doesn’t want me in his life. Pulling away creates a safe place for me...and you. You never know what the future holds, but take this time to retreat, heal and let all the anxiety and angst go. |
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they'll only take your money and confuse you more. I had a friend who used to hear them and they only made her more insecure with all their crap (for a modest price). It wasn't until she decided she was done with her ex that she took full control of herself and later entered a much more fullfilling relationship with a secure guy. The answer is very much inside you. I understand we cannot control what we feel, and what you feel now it's very painful, but you can focus on your actions. Stop the AP trap. Try to do some relaxing exercises and post here if you're feeling down. I'd definetely advise no contact in the meantime.