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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 15, 2018 2:01:16 GMT
While I do believe that theoretically some people could have psychic abilities, it also occurs to me that AP-types are probably the most likely to go visit psychics, and in many cases the "psychics" may tell them what they want to hear. These relationship patterns are common/universal enough that it woudn't take much for a psychic or tarot reader to figure out what's going on here...
But even if the psychic were to be right and he did "return by the weekend," this man is someone who is so unable to be in the ups and downs of a actual relationship that you're constantly breaking up. I understand why you hold the fantasy, but I don't see how you can build the foundation of trust needed under these circumstances to make the relationship something new and different enough, and not just the continual perpetuation of the cycle.
Wise words you had there, though, about having compassion for yourself and recognizing that things will take time.
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 15, 2018 5:32:31 GMT
While I do believe that theoretically some people could have psychic abilities, it also occurs to me that AP-types are probably the most likely to go visit psychics, and in many cases the "psychics" may tell them what they want to hear. These relationship patterns are common/universal enough that it woudn't take much for a psychic or tarot reader to figure out what's going on here... But even if the psychic were to be right and he did "return by the weekend," this man is someone who is so unable to be in the ups and downs of a actual relationship that you're constantly breaking up. I understand why you hold the fantasy, but I don't see how you can build the foundation of trust needed under these circumstances to make the relationship something new and different enough, and not just the continual perpetuation of the cycle. Wise words you had there, though, about having compassion for yourself and recognizing that things will take time. This AP wouldn’t put any stock in a psychic or go to one. I don’t think it’s an attachment thing. |
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joan
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Post by joan on Nov 15, 2018 6:27:30 GMT
Hey Joan, I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I hope you're feeling a bit better today and that you're reaching out to your loved ones for support. As I told you, I think he having too much on his plate right now makes him unavailable to date in the way that you need. When I was going through something similar I did think I left people in my life 'on pause'. I don't think I had the mental and emotional capacity of fully commiting to a relationship with all the ups and downs at that time. Even if I really liked someone, I'd probalby had to be with someone that understood enjoying a relationship was not my priority back then. This has made you anxious and stressed and has created a toxic dynamic in which two people who like each other (and possibly love each other) were struggling. It must hurt a lot, and I'm very sorry for you. But sometimes we have to take a deep breath and focus on what's going on inside us and decide if this is the type of relationship we want in our lives. It's a very mature thing to do, even if it sometimes hurts like hell. Please don't go to psychists  they'll only take your money and confuse you more. I had a friend who used to hear them and they only made her more insecure with all their crap (for a modest price). It wasn't until she decided she was done with her ex that she took full control of herself and later entered a much more fullfilling relationship with a secure guy. The answer is very much inside you. I understand we cannot control what we feel, and what you feel now it's very painful, but you can focus on your actions. Stop the AP trap. Try to do some relaxing exercises and post here if you're feeling down. I'd definetely advise no contact in the meantime. Thank you lilyg for your empathy. You're right about him not being available for what I need. I tried to deny, and avoid facing that fact. I thought if I tried hard enough, gave enough space, understanding and whatever he needed that it could work. The problem is I wasn't getting enough of what I needed, and as much as I tried to hide and deny it, it always managed coming out. You're right that the mature thing to do is to honestly face things even if it hurts, and it really is painful. Yes I agree talking to these psychics has only confused me more. They keep telling me what I want to hear, keeping the hope alive in me, and not allowing me to see the reality of the situation, and the concrete words he's telling me, that's it's over. What also keeps me hoping is he's broken up with me so many times before, I can't even fully believe his words. So I feel stuck in this purgatory. I know I don't have to be. I could go about living and let time and space diminish the pain. I texted him earlier today, and we went back and forth, and really got nowhere, so yes now I'm heeding your advice as well as so many others, I'm not going to text him again. |
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joan
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Post by joan on Nov 15, 2018 6:43:28 GMT
While I do believe that theoretically some people could have psychic abilities, it also occurs to me that AP-types are probably the most likely to go visit psychics, and in many cases the "psychics" may tell them what they want to hear. These relationship patterns are common/universal enough that it woudn't take much for a psychic or tarot reader to figure out what's going on here... But even if the psychic were to be right and he did "return by the weekend," this man is someone who is so unable to be in the ups and downs of a actual relationship that you're constantly breaking up. I understand why you hold the fantasy, but I don't see how you can build the foundation of trust needed under these circumstances to make the relationship something new and different enough, and not just the continual perpetuation of the cycle. Wise words you had there, though, about having compassion for yourself and recognizing that things will take time. Thank you leavethelighton for the compliment. I wish I could take my own advice much more. It seems like I can intellectually know what's going on and see things clearly, yet emotionally I'm stunted and in this fog. You're so right in saying that he's unable to be in the ups and downs of an actual relationship. The second I say or do anything no matter how big or small he's heading for the door. I'm not trying to take away my own misdeeds in our dynamic. However, as an example, he started this big fight, contemplated not seeing me anymore and wouldn't really text me for days because I didn't know how to correctly use this workout machine at the gym. He freaked out about that, and I apologized up and down about that even though I was shocked at how big a deal he was making it. So yes I agree with you there was no way to build a foundation of trust when I had to walk on eggshells with him, and even then he'd find something to break up with me over no matter how careful I tried to be. I knew in my heart he wasn't someone I could rely on yet I kept avoiding the truth. I fear being alone that much, and that scares me. This relationship has completely opened my eyes to all the things I didn't want to see in myself. He's been like a mirror for me and it's been ugly, but I suppose I needed to see it. |
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Post by joan on Nov 15, 2018 6:52:18 GMT
Sorry you're going through this. I didn't do a physic but I have gotten a tarot reading, it was so accurate it was scary! LOL Totally pegged his avoidant behaviors and how I was feeling. All I gave was his name. I think readings can help you gain some clarity, it helped me and it gave me relief. Do I put total stock in it, no but I gained a lot of insight about where we were at at that time. The universe and the energies are real along with free will. No matter what a reader says there is free will and energies change. Twin flames, meh but soulmates yes, they come in all forms. And yes just back off and let him be, leave it to the universe. I left mine to the universe, if we were meant to be we will be. As they say set them free... Am I waiting on him, no, but its up to the universe now and Im just doing me or as one of my favorite readers says "just do you boo". haha. The universe will send him back self aware ready to make changes or they will send me someone else that is ready for me. Just do you.  Yeah I'm almost embarrassed to admit I talked to three different psychics in the midst of the worst part of my anxiety. It did give me relief, albeit temporarily. The skeptic in me still can't fully trust it even though they all described him, me and our situation exactly. I only had to give our names too. Unfortunately it's just not concrete enough for me to know anything. All I can know is what he's telling me even though I don't quite believe his words either. At this point I'm trying to take the focus off of waiting for him to come around, or hoping, praying and wishing on a star that he'll come back. I'm now questioning how much I really want this, and facing some harsh truths I've worked really hard to avoid seeing. |
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Post by joan on Nov 15, 2018 7:07:57 GMT
Hey Joan...I just want to add......it is worth looking into his capacity for a relationship that you desire at this time......one of the AP traps is to personalize things.....that he broke up with you because of you (and solely because of you.....which feeds into the whole..if onlys)....but where there is growth opportunity is to be able to take a step back and see the picture laid out by Juniper not as a negative statement about you...but how he is not in a place to provide you with what you need because of his own circumstances. I don't believe the focus should be what you need to do should him come back, but rather....what is the relationship that Joan needs and then being open to that being met by someone else. Hugs. Thank you tnr9 for the additional very wise and reassuring insight. I have very much personalized everything. It doesn't help that a lot of times he'd make it personal and point out all of my failings as a person. I have to fight my own negative perception of myself so it's been pretty exhausting to fight off his too. I've really been thinking about what I need these last couple of days, and this relationship has been pretty far away from that. I flip flop a lot though. One moment I have this clarity of what I want, how this isn't working, and then the next moment this child inside me wants to protest and cry but I don't care, I just want to be with him. I feel crazy, which in turns makes me feel ashamed of myself. It's like this battle going on in my mind and I just want to turn it off. |
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joan
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Post by joan on Nov 15, 2018 7:15:24 GMT
It doesn't sound like the break up was "sudden" as you have broken up 50 times in the past. You say you could see it if you were having problems, but you were largely unhappy in the relationship. If you were unhappy, the changes are huge that he was unhappy as well. Each break up, it becomes more final. Perhaps you are grieving what you think the relationship could have been rather than what it actually was. Break ups are hard and I know you will find a lot of support here. Sending cyber hugs. Yeah...you're right Mary  I'm definitely grieving the hope and fantasy. The reality wasn't all bad, but there were a lot of painful elements to it. Neither one of us were entirely happy together, but both of us had our own reasons for sticking in it. I'm still trying to accept the ending, and I don't think I'm there yet. So far I've found a lot of support here and I'm so very grateful. Thank you for the hugs. |
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Post by joan on Nov 15, 2018 7:28:58 GMT
I do understand what you’re saying Juniper and I appreciate your bluntness. I have always tried to keep in mind that the responsibility and stress of taking care of his father was hard enough for him and he didn’t need the added burden of my insecurities. Whenever I felt triggered by him being distant or whatever triggers came up I’d lose sight of that and start with the protest behavior. I’m now feeling the intense regret and shame of that. I don’t blame him for wanting to end things. I wish I could take it all back but what’s done is done i think we have all behaved in ways that we aren't proud of in retrospect, it's the awful reality of attachment injury. i'm sure your partner has behaved in ways that are damaging to a relationship also. it's the nature of this stuff. the growth is in refusing to succumb to self defeating behaviors like self-shaming and circular thinking. easier said than done, i know. but there is the option of having compassion for yourself by recognizing that yes, you've been conditioned in ways that hurt you and others. all of us insecurely attached have, and it's as deep as our nervous system and brains!!! it's automatic stuff, not stiff we would engage in if we had a better way. over time, we have to develop and practice a better way. anne12 has posted so many good threads on healing the different styles. try to take this opportunity to make a commitment to your self and your future happiness to undertake the hard work of reworking this stuff in yourself. it will be a more fruitful use of time and energy to heal than it will be to deepen the wound and rob yourself of hope by staying stuck. i'm truly sorry that you are hurting. i just want to encourage you to proceed with the awareness and potential you have to actually progress toward secure instead of getting lost in illusions and denial. most of us heal because of loss. we are tired of experiencing loss. hugs, joan 🌸 Thank you Juniper - yes he's equally contributed to the damage of this relationship even though he's loathe to admit that. I'm trying to climb out of this shameful feeling I've been in since this happened. I'm feeling a bit more compassion for myself and I hope that helps me heal. You're completely right in how these behaviors are so automatic even if we know better. I keep beating myself up over the night that caused this break up where I saw everything was good, he was about to go to bed and there I started in with my questions against my better judgement. None of that matters now...I will read anne12's posts and keep focusing on how I can find love, peace and happiness within myself instead of this mad, frenetic search that leads me nowhere. Hugs back to you. |
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Post by 8675309 on Nov 15, 2018 9:00:36 GMT
Sorry you're going through this. I didn't do a physic but I have gotten a tarot reading, it was so accurate it was scary! LOL Totally pegged his avoidant behaviors and how I was feeling. All I gave was his name. I think readings can help you gain some clarity, it helped me and it gave me relief. Do I put total stock in it, no but I gained a lot of insight about where we were at at that time. The universe and the energies are real along with free will. No matter what a reader says there is free will and energies change. Twin flames, meh but soulmates yes, they come in all forms. And yes just back off and let him be, leave it to the universe. I left mine to the universe, if we were meant to be we will be. As they say set them free... Am I waiting on him, no, but its up to the universe now and Im just doing me or as one of my favorite readers says "just do you boo". haha. The universe will send him back self aware ready to make changes or they will send me someone else that is ready for me. Just do you. Yeah I'm almost embarrassed to admit I talked to three different psychics in the midst of the worst part of my anxiety. It did give me relief, albeit temporarily. The skeptic in me still can't fully trust it even though they all described him, me and our situation exactly. I only had to give our names too. Unfortunately it's just not concrete enough for me to know anything. All I can know is what he's telling me even though I don't quite believe his words either. At this point I'm trying to take the focus off of waiting for him to come around, or hoping, praying and wishing on a star that he'll come back. I'm now questioning how much I really want this, and facing some harsh truths I've worked really hard to avoid seeing. Yes just focus on you. What is meant to be will be it him or another. The important thing is to just do what you need to do for you right now. While I do believe that theoretically some people could have psychic abilities, it also occurs to me that AP-types are probably the most likely to go visit psychics, and in many cases the "psychics" may tell them what they want to hear. These relationship patterns are common/universal enough that it woudn't take much for a psychic or tarot reader to figure out what's going on here... But even if the psychic were to be right and he did "return by the weekend," this man is someone who is so unable to be in the ups and downs of a actual relationship that you're constantly breaking up. I understand why you hold the fantasy, but I don't see how you can build the foundation of trust needed under these circumstances to make the relationship something new and different enough, and not just the continual perpetuation of the cycle. Wise words you had there, though, about having compassion for yourself and recognizing that things will take time. Im not AP and a few friends/acquaintances of mine are not AP and they get readings. There are those that believe and those that dont, its not an attachment thing. My one friend is very secure like me, we actually became better friends because of our belief in the universe.
I dont think dealing with avoidants is a common/universal relationship pattern at all. They are not common relationships in any way. They are more the exception, not the norm. Took me till my 40's to come across one.... at my age Ive 'been around the block'. haha. Just like for me Ive only come across maybe a handful of AP type men in all these years, they were not that common for me either.
Now avoidants may be more common for AP types as they seem to attract each other but its not a common thing in general. What I experienced with him was not common at all. LOL Anyone I talked to about his behavior has not experienced this either when dating someone. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2018 10:37:07 GMT
Hey Joan...I just want to add......it is worth looking into his capacity for a relationship that you desire at this time......one of the AP traps is to personalize things.....that he broke up with you because of you (and solely because of you.....which feeds into the whole..if onlys)....but where there is growth opportunity is to be able to take a step back and see the picture laid out by Juniper not as a negative statement about you...but how he is not in a place to provide you with what you need because of his own circumstances. I don't believe the focus should be what you need to do should him come back, but rather....what is the relationship that Joan needs and then being open to that being met by someone else. Hugs. Thank you tnr9 for the additional very wise and reassuring insight. I have very much personalized everything. It doesn't help that a lot of times he'd make it personal and point out all of my failings as a person. I have to fight my own negative perception of myself so it's been pretty exhausting to fight off his too. I've really been thinking about what I need these last couple of days, and this relationship has been pretty far away from that. I flip flop a lot though. One moment I have this clarity of what I want, how this isn't working, and then the next moment this child inside me wants to protest and cry but I don't care, I just want to be with him. I feel crazy, which in turns makes me feel ashamed of myself. It's like this battle going on in my mind and I just want to turn it off. Hey Joan, My heart hurts so bad for you right now it really does. You remind me so much off me and how i felt and i had exactly the same thought patterns when my fa/da bf left me and it felt like torture, the pain was mental but felt incredibly physical too. I now realize I am a very wounded little girl inside a grown up ladies body. Full of fear and invisible scars. I wish I could help ease your pain, but no one really can, time is your best friend and in time you will heal. Try not to beat yourself up to much as it has been a two person dance for a long time. I know he is an avoidant and is protecting himself but he has some responsibility to this relationship, he has to own his part, he chose to be with you and often treated you not very nice. What ever attachment we have doesn't give others the right to put us down, be little us act embarrassed about us, make one feel very low priority, this being the person they have chose to have a relationship with. I know we also don't have to accept and put up with and that is the attachment stuff we have to work through. This dynamic appears to often bring the worse out in people unfortunately but we still continue which is just so sad for both parties. Splitting up over 50 times and getting back does make me wonder if he is more FA than DA, perhaps he becomes more da again once he has you back which just isn't fair it just messes with ones head so much. God what to do hey. You can really see the immaturity of two hurt children play out in this dynamic. As others have said and as bloody hard as it is just try and not contact him and give yourself some breathing space, I use to hate the thought of making him cringe if I text him, that often worked enough for me to not reach out. I also hated the thought of giving all my power over to another person that also stopped me reaching out. Keep coming here And sharing freely this is for Aps to help other AP's who are going thru what your dealing with right now. Like how AA works for recovering alcoholics it's about someone totally relating to where your coming from as only one fellow AP to another can, and believe me my love I am feeling your raw pain with you right now. Just try and keep it in the day, one day at a time, take your thoughts captive and don't allow them to run away on a tangent of fantasy thinking. Sending you lots of love and you are in my thoughts and prayers Xx |
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joan
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Post by joan on Nov 15, 2018 20:45:47 GMT
Thank you tnr9 for the additional very wise and reassuring insight. I have very much personalized everything. It doesn't help that a lot of times he'd make it personal and point out all of my failings as a person. I have to fight my own negative perception of myself so it's been pretty exhausting to fight off his too. I've really been thinking about what I need these last couple of days, and this relationship has been pretty far away from that. I flip flop a lot though. One moment I have this clarity of what I want, how this isn't working, and then the next moment this child inside me wants to protest and cry but I don't care, I just want to be with him. I feel crazy, which in turns makes me feel ashamed of myself. It's like this battle going on in my mind and I just want to turn it off. Hey Joan, My heart hurts so bad for you right now it really does. You remind me so much off me and how i felt and i had exactly the same thought patterns when my fa/da bf left me and it felt like torture, the pain was mental but felt incredibly physical too. I now realize I am a very wounded little girl inside a grown up ladies body. Full of fear and invisible scars. I wish I could help ease your pain, but no one really can, time is your best friend and in time you will heal. Try not to beat yourself up to much as it has been a two person dance for a long time. I know he is an avoidant and is protecting himself but he has some responsibility to this relationship, he has to own his part, he chose to be with you and often treated you not very nice. What ever attachment we have doesn't give others the right to put us down, be little us act embarrassed about us, make one feel very low priority, this being the person they have chose to have a relationship with. I know we also don't have to accept and put up with and that is the attachment stuff we have to work through. This dynamic appears to often bring the worse out in people unfortunately but we still continue which is just so sad for both parties. Splitting up over 50 times and getting back does make me wonder if he is more FA than DA, perhaps he becomes more da again once he has you back which just isn't fair it just messes with ones head so much. God what to do hey. You can really see the immaturity of two hurt children play out in this dynamic. As others have said and as bloody hard as it is just try and not contact him and give yourself some breathing space, I use to hate the thought of making him cringe if I text him, that often worked enough for me to not reach out. I also hated the thought of giving all my power over to another person that also stopped me reaching out. Keep coming here And sharing freely this is for Aps to help other AP's who are going thru what your dealing with right now. Like how AA works for recovering alcoholics it's about someone totally relating to where your coming from as only one fellow AP to another can, and believe me my love I am feeling your raw pain with you right now. Just try and keep it in the day, one day at a time, take your thoughts captive and don't allow them to run away on a tangent of fantasy thinking. Sending you lots of love and you are in my thoughts and prayers Xx Thank you so much for that helsbells. I guess since this time I know I started this fight, and it was completely my fault when things had been calm and without conflict for a good 5-6 months I'm feeling so much shame and regret. It's been hard to come out of that feeling. When it's been him who's caused the conflict it's been easier for me to go quiet, not text him and in general not feel as tortured as I am now. My anxiety has been so highly triggered right now. I'm embarrassed of my behavior, but finding it so hard to stop. I feel like my daily texts to him will push him to the point where he doesn't respond or even block me. I'm just tired of going silent for days. I feel like this time he almost wants me to fight for him. Certain things he said. I could be reading between the lines or making myself believe what I want to believe. I'm just an absolute mess and I truly appreciate having this forum and all of you to let out all of the things going on in my head right now. Your understanding, and compassion is invaluable to me right now. |
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 15, 2018 22:22:13 GMT
Thank you tnr9 for the additional very wise and reassuring insight. I have very much personalized everything. It doesn't help that a lot of times he'd make it personal and point out all of my failings as a person. I have to fight my own negative perception of myself so it's been pretty exhausting to fight off his too. I've really been thinking about what I need these last couple of days, and this relationship has been pretty far away from that. I flip flop a lot though. One moment I have this clarity of what I want, how this isn't working, and then the next moment this child inside me wants to protest and cry but I don't care, I just want to be with him. I feel crazy, which in turns makes me feel ashamed of myself. It's like this battle going on in my mind and I just want to turn it off. Hey Joan, My heart hurts so bad for you right now it really does. You remind me so much off me and how i felt and i had exactly the same thought patterns when my fa/da bf left me and it felt like torture, the pain was mental but felt incredibly physical too. I now realize I am a very wounded little girl inside a grown up ladies body. Full of fear and invisible scars. I wish I could help ease your pain, but no one really can, time is your best friend and in time you will heal. Try not to beat yourself up to much as it has been a two person dance for a long time. I know he is an avoidant and is protecting himself but he has some responsibility to this relationship, he has to own his part, he chose to be with you and often treated you not very nice. What ever attachment we have doesn't give others the right to put us down, be little us act embarrassed about us, make one feel very low priority, this being the person they have chose to have a relationship with. I know we also don't have to accept and put up with and that is the attachment stuff we have to work through. This dynamic appears to often bring the worse out in people unfortunately but we still continue which is just so sad for both parties. Splitting up over 50 times and getting back does make me wonder if he is more FA than DA, perhaps he becomes more da again once he has you back which just isn't fair it just messes with ones head so much. God what to do hey. You can really see the immaturity of two hurt children play out in this dynamic. As others have said and as bloody hard as it is just try and not contact him and give yourself some breathing space, I use to hate the thought of making him cringe if I text him, that often worked enough for me to not reach out. I also hated the thought of giving all my power over to another person that also stopped me reaching out. Keep coming here And sharing freely this is for Aps to help other AP's who are going thru what your dealing with right now. Like how AA works for recovering alcoholics it's about someone totally relating to where your coming from as only one fellow AP to another can, and believe me my love I am feeling your raw pain with you right now. Just try and keep it in the day, one day at a time, take your thoughts captive and don't allow them to run away on a tangent of fantasy thinking. Sending you lots of love and you are in my thoughts and prayers Xx Great insight. That’s why I finally let go of my ex DA-he was taking no responsibility for our ensuing casual relationship. He began to treat me almost non-human. Not even a secure could (or would!) tolerate that well. It also helped that I pictured him doing exactly what you said- cringing by my texts. We deserve someone who wants the same things. I’m by no means claiming I’m perfect- God knows I very deeply regret my actions and shortcomings, but I’ve been working to change since our break a year ago. It’s the willingness factor. It all comes done to that. I just had to go of the madness. It’s too hard. |
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 16, 2018 0:17:37 GMT
While I do believe that theoretically some people could have psychic abilities, it also occurs to me that AP-types are probably the most likely to go visit psychics, and in many cases the "psychics" may tell them what they want to hear. These relationship patterns are common/universal enough that it woudn't take much for a psychic or tarot reader to figure out what's going on here... But even if the psychic were to be right and he did "return by the weekend," this man is someone who is so unable to be in the ups and downs of a actual relationship that you're constantly breaking up. I understand why you hold the fantasy, but I don't see how you can build the foundation of trust needed under these circumstances to make the relationship something new and different enough, and not just the continual perpetuation of the cycle. Wise words you had there, though, about having compassion for yourself and recognizing that things will take time. This AP wouldn’t put any stock in a psychic or go to one. I don’t think it’s an attachment thing.
I didn't say that most APs would go to a psychic, just that I'd guess a lot of the people who do go to psychics are APs. But that could be 1% of APs for all we know. Just a guess. That would be an interesting research study.
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Post by leavethelighton on Nov 16, 2018 0:22:37 GMT
Joan, you mentioned fear of being alone. What would make being alone a special thing for you? What would you LOVE to do alone? Explore a city? Explore a nature setting? Sit in a coffeeshop and draw or journal? Or maybe you meant single, but that's still something to envision how you could make it a lovely YOU thing. How would you decorate your solo space? What would you eat for meals? Where would you vacation?
And what are your fears, and how can you create a back-up plan for what you can do without him if those fears came true?
I'm not saying it doesn't sometimes get lonely being alone, but there can also be a lot of beauty and awesomeness in it too. Maybe it would help you to figure out what that could look like for you. You don't need this guy.
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Post by faithopelove on Nov 16, 2018 0:34:27 GMT
Joan, you mentioned fear of being alone. What would make being alone a special thing for you? What would you LOVE to do alone? Explore a city? Explore a nature setting? Sit in a coffeeshop and draw or journal? Or maybe you meant single, but that's still something to envision how you could make it a lovely YOU thing. How would you decorate your solo space? What would you eat for meals? Where would you vacation? And what are your fears, and how can you create a back-up plan for what you can do without him if those fears came true? I'm not saying it doesn't sometimes get lonely being alone, but there can also be a lot of beauty and awesomeness in it too. Maybe it would help you to figure out what that could look like for you. You don't need this guy. I’ve always feared being alone and single- it was why I went back to an ex years ago. I was in my early 20’s and feared living a life alone. The fear of abandonment is closely tied to this for me.....I’m trying to use this time alone- the longest I’ve been in my life, as a time of healing and rest. Slowing down, treating myself with kindness and learning how to love me. Finding that rest, without pressure to perform or fear of rejection, makes being alone more comfortable. |
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they'll only take your money and confuse you more. I had a friend who used to hear them and they only made her more insecure with all their crap (for a modest price). It wasn't until she decided she was done with her ex that she took full control of herself and later entered a much more fullfilling relationship with a secure guy. The answer is very much inside you. I understand we cannot control what we feel, and what you feel now it's very painful, but you can focus on your actions. Stop the AP trap. Try to do some relaxing exercises and post here if you're feeling down. I'd definetely advise no contact in the meantime.
I'm definitely grieving the hope and fantasy. The reality wasn't all bad, but there were a lot of painful elements to it. Neither one of us were entirely happy together, but both of us had our own reasons for sticking in it. I'm still trying to accept the ending, and I don't think I'm there yet. So far I've found a lot of support here and I'm so very grateful. Thank you for the hugs.