Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2018 17:25:36 GMT
I am writing to express my irritation and have an outlet for it - I am really annoyed right now.
I was casually seeing (I mean that very loosely) a very DA guy who I met at the library a couple of months back, after a couple of dates, the weird distancing was way too noticeable, I decided to tell the guy that I felt like we should just be friends and he agreed and asked to meet for coffee that day, so we did. During coffee, I was very activated and aware of it, both my AP and FA sides.
Well, I noticed how insanely activated I was after leaving (really awful stomach ache) and was so grateful and sure that I had done the right thing in cutting things off early before I got blinded by my AP side, nevermind the fact that he communicated in so many ways he is not someone to have a long or maybe even short term emotionally intimate relationship with. I made a very smart choice.
A couple of weeks later, we hung out, and ended up sleeping together - and despite the fact I really wanted it (why? He should have been unattractive to me given what signs I was given), it was awful. He was clearly not present with me at all, who even knows who he was thinking about.. I remember laying there, and for one of the first times in my life in sleeping with an "unavailable guy", I was fully present to myself and the experience and not in fantasy, and it made me realise how much the sex was not worth it... I was staring at a point in the room and thinking how I would never do this to myself again. But I DID! The next morning! And, he checked his phone half-way through! I felt really peeved and ashamed in myself. It's not even like I'm unattractive - I'm nearly 10 years younger than him at 25, but I felt that way, and ugh... it really sucked. I left him to that and went to "sort myself out" in the bathroom, and when I came back fully dressed, he asked why I got dressed as if we weren't done? Like... what? I mentioned that he used his phone to I assumed he wasn't into it, and he said that he had to reply to something because it was on his mind.... mmm. Afterwards, we laid and talked, and he started talking about a girl and asking me girl advice... yeah... he's that kind of guy. But hold on... I'm that kind of girl. I let that happen. And why?
He dropped me home and lamented in the car about how he is concerned how people perceive him and whether he is narcissistic or even psychopathic. It was a weird conversation. I kissed him when he dropped me off and got out. I realised that I pretend... I pretend to be in love, and it feels good. I pretend because fantasy is better than reality. I really wasn't that into this guy... but it's interesting that I still went through with all of this? I do find him attractive but... why? I am going to say it: he is kind of a jerk. I am shocked at the kind of men I want to sleep with given the kind of messages they are giving me. After not really hearing much from him, when I next heard from him, I told him I want to stop talking or at least for a while and he seemed fine with that.
I ran into him in town yesterday, and he was really warm and even seemed happy to see me, and that in itself felt boundary-busting because I feel like it's a battle even in myself to respect myself appropriately and not let my AP side hijack me... so I told him I was in a hurry but I was polite.
The most annoying thing about him is that I left an earring at his house, and he never mentioned it... and when I did, he acted like it didn't even happen. So now I don't have one of my favourite earrings.
Ugh. When will I stop putting myself in situations with men who just do not care about me... and moreover, when will I care about me enough to not let this happen?
I wish I valued myself more.
I was casually seeing (I mean that very loosely) a very DA guy who I met at the library a couple of months back, after a couple of dates, the weird distancing was way too noticeable, I decided to tell the guy that I felt like we should just be friends and he agreed and asked to meet for coffee that day, so we did. During coffee, I was very activated and aware of it, both my AP and FA sides.
Well, I noticed how insanely activated I was after leaving (really awful stomach ache) and was so grateful and sure that I had done the right thing in cutting things off early before I got blinded by my AP side, nevermind the fact that he communicated in so many ways he is not someone to have a long or maybe even short term emotionally intimate relationship with. I made a very smart choice.
A couple of weeks later, we hung out, and ended up sleeping together - and despite the fact I really wanted it (why? He should have been unattractive to me given what signs I was given), it was awful. He was clearly not present with me at all, who even knows who he was thinking about.. I remember laying there, and for one of the first times in my life in sleeping with an "unavailable guy", I was fully present to myself and the experience and not in fantasy, and it made me realise how much the sex was not worth it... I was staring at a point in the room and thinking how I would never do this to myself again. But I DID! The next morning! And, he checked his phone half-way through! I felt really peeved and ashamed in myself. It's not even like I'm unattractive - I'm nearly 10 years younger than him at 25, but I felt that way, and ugh... it really sucked. I left him to that and went to "sort myself out" in the bathroom, and when I came back fully dressed, he asked why I got dressed as if we weren't done? Like... what? I mentioned that he used his phone to I assumed he wasn't into it, and he said that he had to reply to something because it was on his mind.... mmm. Afterwards, we laid and talked, and he started talking about a girl and asking me girl advice... yeah... he's that kind of guy. But hold on... I'm that kind of girl. I let that happen. And why?
He dropped me home and lamented in the car about how he is concerned how people perceive him and whether he is narcissistic or even psychopathic. It was a weird conversation. I kissed him when he dropped me off and got out. I realised that I pretend... I pretend to be in love, and it feels good. I pretend because fantasy is better than reality. I really wasn't that into this guy... but it's interesting that I still went through with all of this? I do find him attractive but... why? I am going to say it: he is kind of a jerk. I am shocked at the kind of men I want to sleep with given the kind of messages they are giving me. After not really hearing much from him, when I next heard from him, I told him I want to stop talking or at least for a while and he seemed fine with that.
I ran into him in town yesterday, and he was really warm and even seemed happy to see me, and that in itself felt boundary-busting because I feel like it's a battle even in myself to respect myself appropriately and not let my AP side hijack me... so I told him I was in a hurry but I was polite.
The most annoying thing about him is that I left an earring at his house, and he never mentioned it... and when I did, he acted like it didn't even happen. So now I don't have one of my favourite earrings.
Ugh. When will I stop putting myself in situations with men who just do not care about me... and moreover, when will I care about me enough to not let this happen?
I wish I valued myself more.
